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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by helenag on November 20, 2003, at 21:53:22
Have had so much trouble the past months that I don't dare say much to anyone here at home. Was in hospital five times, came home and felt somewhat better for awhile, but now find myself sliding back into depression. Am doing what I can to help myself which means watching over my other trouble, alcoholism-been going to meetings and staying clear of drinking.
Am ashamed to be feeling this way. Like, what now? as my husband asked me on Sunday. I have fears that my pdoc will get sick of me and even he said we have tried many approaches. I don't even think calling him any more is even good sense no matter how rotten it feels inside.
Today was very tough. Had very impulsive dark thoughts. Am coming to the conclusion that this may be as good as it gets for me...to just aceept the fact that life may include these shifts. Yet, surely not! Then the other side of me says why care? Go about your business and quit giving a damn about how you feel. Except it is hard to concentrate and the depression becomes almost like a physical sense of pain.
Have never felt a fear of abandonment around this before. The pdoc threatened to leave me once if I didn't enter alcohol treatment; and I did go. Now my fear is that not only he but my husband will get sick of me--
Told myself today that I've been dealing with this shit for years and years before ever seeking psych help and did okay (well, sorta) and maybe the robot approach would work.
Am just so tired of all this...I was starting to even out in mood and was hit with severe anxiety and then slid right into this morass...
Sorry for all the whining. As my post says, I needed to talk to someone. I don't feel safe talking to anyone in person here...it's like watching your hamster go around the wheel again. Maybe I should go and join the circus???
Posted by Elle2021 on November 21, 2003, at 0:40:18
In reply to Re: need someone to talk to badly, posted by helenag on November 20, 2003, at 21:53:22
I'm so sorry to hear what your going through. I have experienced depression and I know how painful it is and what a toll it can take on a family. I don't think your therapist is going to abandon you. The reason he threatened to the first time is probably because he wanted you to get help for your alcoholism because there wasn't anything he could do for you until that was out of the way. Now it is. Consider having your husband go to one of your sessions with you. That way, he can get a better grip of whats going on, and he can be more supportive. I hope you feel better very soon. God bless you.
Elle
Posted by Poet on November 21, 2003, at 9:39:49
In reply to Re: need someone to talk to badly, posted by helenag on November 20, 2003, at 21:53:22
Hi,
You aren't whining, you are being very articulate about your pain. This is a safe place to discuss that pain.
I'm bulimic, which like alcoholism is an addictive disorder. I've had some major setbacks lately and finally opened up to my therapist that I'm afraid she'll abandon me if I tell her I binged.
She assured me that she will never abandon me, and we'd work something out that I could see someone else and her. Your pdoc might not have much experience with alcoholism, like my therapist doesn't with eating disorders.
Your pdoc won't get sick of you, you are just struggling with depression and he should understand that. That you aren't drinking to try to end the pain makes you strong. If you join the circus you are the strongwoman.
Poet
Posted by joslynn on November 21, 2003, at 11:02:27
In reply to Re: need someone to talk to badly » helenag, posted by Poet on November 21, 2003, at 9:39:49
Ugh, I know what that's like when the depression is almost like physical pain. I felt like I was walking around squeezed between two planes of glass the whole time I was severely depressed. And every morning when I woke up around 3 a.m. (yuck) I felt like a 50-pound black raven was hunkered down on my chest, spreading his big black wings over me and looking at me with beady eyes.
It's your pdoc's job to treat depressed people, so, you are the perfect patient, you are in the right place. If he gets impatient with depressed people, then he is the wrong doctor. But you are not the wrong patient.
Posted by helenag on November 21, 2003, at 18:24:50
In reply to Re: need someone to talk to badly, posted by helenag on November 20, 2003, at 21:53:22
failed miserably today. went to the bar after work and had four drinks. then proceeded to call my pdoc and finally got ahold of him about an hour and a half later. thank goodness I was able to articulate some of my feelings to him. we agreed to resume therapy with the in-house therapist. sure hope that will help. he promised that he would not leave me, so deep is my shame and guilt over having trouble so soon after being hospitalized so many times.
Don't know about you all, but I find life so very bewildering--I once cut out this quote and it fits my experience most well: "LIfe has been, since man was born, licking honey from a thorn."
As the lion said in the Wizard of Oz, "Ain't it the truth, ain't it the truth??"
Every time I try to attempt a normal course of existence, it doesn't fit me. There is just something too wierd about life that won't go away with me. Is it perpetual adolescence??? Yikes, I hope not. Have been around the block too many times. It's not that. My pdoc told me tonight that for some reason he can't fathom, and as corny as it sounds, I don't have any love for myself.
Now, someone tell me what that even means. Regard, yes. I do. But, however, for years and years, I believe that I have been quite caught up in this "survival" mode....maybe its mid-life.????
All the lollipops I've used in the past to help me with moods do not help me anymore: religion, self-help books, zen, medititation, crafts, etc... Not as a means to that end. For themselves, okay, but not as a means to improve my mood or better myself. That's bogus. Have tried it before and obviously, they aren't to be used that way.
Have come to the conclusion again, that maybe the way out is to simply stop giving a shit about it all in the first place. Mood disorders keep you so focused on yourself...what if you just noted it and went on?? (Oh, yeah)
I vacillate between depression over this and anger. You cannot believe my despair over finding myself still battling this shit after all these years. I am so tired of it all. Asked my pdoc if maybe there was nothing wrong with me except maybe I was just plain neurotic...nuts.
And the real kicker is: you couldn't catch me dead talking to anyone I know like this....I hide this from everyone....so I thank you from the bottom of my little crazy heart.
This is the end of the thread.
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