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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 7, 2003, at 13:52:55
Several weeks ago my therapist confessed to me that his mother had died the previous week.
He didn't make a big deal about it or anything, and actually used it in reference to a problem I was experiencing.Anyway, I sent him a condolence note the next day. I then went away for 2 weeks and just saw him again yesterday.
He mentioned nothing about the note. I didn't want to bring it up since that seemed like I was using the death of his mother to be all about ME
by asking if he received my note. So I said nothing and he said nothing. But I did wish he would have acknowledged it.I am figuring he has been busy (of course) and it slipped his mind. The fatalistic part of me
though thinks that he never got it and I would hate for him to think that he would mention
his mother's death to me and me do nothing! And the pessimistic part of me thinks that maybe he was displeased that I somehow intruded on his personal life by sending him
a note. Or maybe he is embarassed or chagrined that he shared this with me.Any thoughts? Do I bring it up or just forget about it?
Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2003, at 14:53:29
In reply to Did I overstep a boundary?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 7, 2003, at 13:52:55
A card under such circumstances seems reasonable, and nothing even a high stickler for therapeutic boundaries could object to. It might just have slipped his mind since it was a couple of weeks.
It's quite a dilemma though isn't it? The same thing happened with my therapist, and I felt rotten over *not* sending a card. I couldn't decide what to do about the whole thing, so gave my condolences in person. And it is very hard to talk about. I didn't even feel comfortable talking about how uncomfortable I felt about talking about it, or not talking about it, or whatever I did or didn't do. Nothing seemed right, but it didn't seem right to talk about my dilemma either.
I am guessing they understand that, and won't hold whatever we do or don't do or say or don't say against us.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 7, 2003, at 15:37:16
In reply to Re: I don't think so. » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2003, at 14:53:29
Do you think I should ask him about it though? We have been discussing my tremendous need for attention lately and I fear that
if I ask him if he received my note that he may perceive it as a tacky way of me using his mother's death to get attention from him.Does that make sense?
Posted by DaisyM on November 7, 2003, at 15:57:07
In reply to But should I ask?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 7, 2003, at 15:37:16
I think I would let it go...I'm sure he is fine with getting a note. My guess is that he puts that part of him away during work, so he doesn't think about it, but not in a negative way. He isn't ignoring that you sent it -- it just has been the passage of time, etc.
You want him to focus with what is going on with you, not with him. So, unless this IS a part of that need for attention, which it doesn't sound like, I'd move on. As a card carrying member of the I want to be the perfect therapy client club, I can see how this might be something to get twisted up about.
-D
Posted by karen_kay on November 7, 2003, at 16:02:48
In reply to But should I ask?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 7, 2003, at 15:37:16
I send my therapist cards all the times.. Thank you cards, congrats, ect. But, he puts them up in his office, so I know he got them. But, he never thanks me or mentions them... But, I know he appreciates them. I think they have a written rule to never mention notes they receive.
I think that your best bet is to not mention the note. Do you wnat to mention it because you want a thank you? I am sure he appreciates it, even ifhe does not say it. I think by asking if he got it then he knows that you are wnating a thank you, it may appear to him to be rude. Just my opinion. I am sure the thought is very much appreciated. You did a great and wonderfult hing by sending a card. It was very appropriate, even if he did not say thank you, which would have been more appropriate. Just know that he has a lot on his mind right now, even if he doesn't say thanks. Karen
Posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 9:40:25
In reply to Re: But should I ask?, posted by karen_kay on November 7, 2003, at 16:02:48
I agree that you can let it go. The arguments that you hadn't seen him for a while and that he is trying to segment his private life from his professional life are both quite reasonable.
You said that "I would hate for him to think that he would mention his mother's death to me and me do nothing"
My personal belief is that both sending a card and not sending a card are acceptable behaviors on your part in this case. He had brought the matter up in a session, so you did talk about it in person - and I assume that you said "Oh, I'm so sorry" - that could be considered sufficient. So I don't think that he would think badly of you if you *hadn't* sent a card.
Posted by Dinah on November 9, 2003, at 13:34:51
In reply to Re: But should I ask?, posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 9:40:25
>
> My personal belief is that both sending a card and not sending a card are acceptable behaviors on your part in this case. He had brought the matter up in a session, so you did talk about it in person - and I assume that you said "Oh, I'm so sorry" - that could be considered sufficient. So I don't think that he would think badly of you if you *hadn't* sent a card.Thank heavens! I didn't. But I did express my condolences in person.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 9, 2003, at 17:30:08
In reply to Re: But should I ask? » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on November 9, 2003, at 13:34:51
Thank you everyone for your input! All of your advice/insight has been very helpful.
This is the end of the thread.
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