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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on October 22, 2003, at 10:00:22
Hi everyone,
I've been wallowing in intense sadness so I haven't been babbling much this week. Last week, I told my therapist that I don't like my inner child and don't want to find her anymore. She told me I have to figure out why I felt that way and we'll discuss it in the next session,which is tomorrow.
Last night, I just started crying and I rarely cry.
The usual beating myself up for feeling like a failure, etc. Then it hit me, what I was crying about. I realized that the little girl inside of me, who my therapist says feels abandoned, was abandoned by me. I don't like her because I don't like what she became.I remembered a poem I wrote when I was 18 about my child running away. As I had no children (still don't, except cats) I realized I meant my inner child. It's like I wrote it, forgot about it, and never fully understood what I said until now.
I wrote down what I was feeling, and I will read it to my T tomorrow. I've never done that before, but I know others, here, do it and it seems to be a good way to talk about hard things.
I needed to share this with someone before tomorrow and I don't want to call her today. I know, you can call your therapist anytime they're needed, but that's an issue I still haven't resolved.
Poet
Posted by DaisyM on October 22, 2003, at 10:26:39
In reply to Breakthrough: inner child, posted by Poet on October 22, 2003, at 10:00:22
Poet,
Sounds like a tough night...I'm sorry for your sadness. I think though that you must have been ready to both feel your/her sadness and integrate them together last night. The memory of the poem is a big signal that "she" (your inner child) tried this before but "you" weren't ready. Whatever reasons you had for abandoning (your word,not mine) her were, you must have needed to protect yourself. Survival instincts are so strong, both for physical and psychological protection.Maybe the next step is to figure out how to not blame the child for whom you've become but look at the experiences of the child, both from her perspective then and your adult perspective now. This is really hard I know...and oh so painful. It is easier to blame ourselves, no matter whether it is us in the past or present. I'm glad you wrote down what you are feeling. My experience is that things boil up and over and I have what I now call "crisis-clarity". But, I can't sustain it and a few days later I'm calm (numb?) and can't get back to the feelings so what I verbalize sounds wrong, or incomplete. I now write down what I am thinking/feeling during these episodes, even if it is just for me.
Calling your Therapist is really hard (see my above posts) BUT -- what might work is calling to say "I had this really painful episode but I discovered something and I don't want to lose it before tomorrow's session. I just wanted to tell you about it." Then you can take a breath and know you will be talking about it very soon. This alone can be grounding.
Ok, so it is easier to offer advice and support than it is to receive them. :) I'm thinking about you.
-D
Posted by fallsfall on October 22, 2003, at 10:57:40
In reply to Re: Breakthrough: inner child » Poet, posted by DaisyM on October 22, 2003, at 10:26:39
Poet,
That sounds so important! Wow.
I agree so strongly with what Daisy said:
My experience is that things boil up and over and I have what I now call "crisis-clarity". But, I can't sustain it and a few days later I'm calm (numb?) and can't get back to the feelings so what I verbalize sounds wrong, or incomplete. I now write down what I am thinking/feeling during these episodes, even if it is just for me.
I think I will print that out and give it to my therapist. He doesn't like me to read stuff, says it makes me "not present". But if I don't do that he doesn't know what I've learned.
Poet, you are doing really, really well. Keep working hard. It will pay off.
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 22, 2003, at 12:15:07
In reply to Breakthrough: inner child, posted by Poet on October 22, 2003, at 10:00:22
poet,,
it sure sounds to me like you are well on your way towards that inner child..
you have a great perspective about yourself..embrace her..forgive her..
and then celebrate her..
dance like no one is looking
:)jyl
Posted by Poet on October 22, 2003, at 13:02:41
In reply to Breakthrough: inner child, posted by Poet on October 22, 2003, at 10:00:22
Everyone at work was out to lunch and I thought I can do this, a breakthrough is a good thing, she won't hate me for disturbing her, etc.
She told me that she knows that realizing why I feel the way I do about my inner child was very painful. Working through this, I will face some very hard things, but she'll be "there with me."
Daisy, she also picked up on that I blame my inner child for the adult I became. You are a great therapist. She said that we'll have to talk about why I do that. Talk about painful.
Thanks for the support.
Poet
Posted by DaisyM on October 22, 2003, at 13:34:28
In reply to I called my therapistRe: Breakthrough: inner child, posted by Poet on October 22, 2003, at 13:02:41
Poet,
I am so glad you called and reached her! I'm sure she was too.
And, though I would like to take credit for being insightful, please reread what you wrote:
>The usual beating myself up for feeling like a failure, etc. Then it hit me, what I was crying about. I realized that the little girl inside of me, who my therapist says feels abandoned, was abandoned by me. I don't like her because I don't like what she became. <
You, yourself, identified that you don't like "her" (blame)...I didn't do that. This is your courage, your strength showing itself. I wish it wasn't so painful and I don't have the answer for how to make it through quickly. Wishing isn't helping. Talking about it, writing here seems to.
Let me know how it goes tomorrow.
-D
Posted by bubblechild on October 22, 2003, at 17:28:28
In reply to Re: I called my therapistRe: Breakthrough: inner child » Poet, posted by DaisyM on October 22, 2003, at 13:34:28
Poet, what a sad thing to realize. I know because I'm in a similar place as you. I never realized I had an inner child until I began T. Then I suddenly realized that my inner child had been securly sealed in this bubble (which I could actually picture-really freaked me out!). Not only do I not like this child, I am afraid of her as well. She holds all the feelings and emotions I have fought so hard not to feel. I also hate her for being emotional and needy. I asked my T once, if I could feel towards this child, the way my mother might have felt about me (either overtly or covertly.) Interesting concept. I wish you all the best in your quest for understanding.
Posted by Poet on October 23, 2003, at 9:20:35
In reply to Re: I called my therapistRe: Breakthrough: inner child, posted by bubblechild on October 22, 2003, at 17:28:28
Hi bubblechild,
You are definitely in a similar place as me, I feel for you. I never really thought I had an inner child until therapy, either. I cast her out so long ago, I thought she was dead. She wasn't, she was just hiding.
It's so sad that some part of us, lost long ago, can cause so much pain.
Thanks for your sympathy and support. I'll let you know what my progress is in my quest.
Poet
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