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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2003, at 21:44:04
I have been looking over the notes to myself and letters to my therapist that I wrote since starting therapy eight years ago. It's fascinating.
I can see how I explained things then, and how I explain them now. I see the differences and the similarities. But mainly I see how much progress I've made in knowing how I feel. It's amazing to see my notes from the early years. I talk about not knowing for days what I'm feeling or thinking about something. I talk about even then having to guess a bit. Now I know what I'm feeling, and can figure out why pretty quickly!
The early notes read like business agendas. Very analytical and detached about what was going on inside of me. I couldn't have said at that point that I was sad or mad or glad. It would have come out in a very circuitous and emotionally dry report.
I can see how really troubled my relationship with my therapist was at one time. It's astonishing that we made it through at all, much less as well as we have. I wonder if it was changes in me that made the difference, or accomodations by him?
I saw all the medical notes I requested from prior pdocs. I wonder if I still have constricted affect?
It was just sort of interesting seeing my progress (very slow progress, granted) over that time period. And my slightly, but not as much as I had thought, different ways of conceiving my problems. In fact, I say a lot of the same things but in different language. So my occasional worries that some of my problems are iatrogenic (do I have that right? created by therapy?) are allayed.
Posted by DissociativeJane on June 11, 2003, at 22:20:26
In reply to Going over my notes to myself, posted by Dinah on June 11, 2003, at 21:44:04
Dinah,
how were you able to see notes from your pdoc?
I think it's wonderful that you can see progress in your therapy. You seem quite gifted with your words so I can only imagine how fabulous your previous letters were to re-read.
Posted by judy1 on June 11, 2003, at 22:30:09
In reply to Going over my notes to myself, posted by Dinah on June 11, 2003, at 21:44:04
I'm glad you had the opportunity to see your progress. I've kept most of my e-mail communication to and from my pdoc (hundreds!) and occasionally I check it out and notice how clear my mood episodes come across. I agree it's a pretty interesting process to watch. take care, judy
Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2003, at 22:33:39
In reply to Re: Going over my notes to myself, posted by DissociativeJane on June 11, 2003, at 22:20:26
In my state, you can request medical records. I've had four psychiatrists in my life. I requested the records for my childhood one, and while the psych records had long since been destroyed, there were some notes in my pediatric file from my psychiatrist. I actually found him after all these years and asked what he meant by those notes since one of them was rather alarming, but he didn't remember.
I also asked for the records from a well respected psychiatrist that I went to very briefly. I really wasn't well at the time, and that relationship ended badly because of me. But the records were very well organized and enlightening.
I didn't ask for the records from my current doc, although I might when he retires. He seems to take very sparse notes tho, and is rather averse to giving a diagnosis.
And I didn't ask for the notes from my second pdoc, the pdoc from h*ll, because he worked closely with my therapist and consulted about me with my therapist. I'm afraid his notes will tell me a bit more than I want to know about how my therapist sees me, or at least how he saw me at that time. I'm not an idiot, and I don't want to cause myself needless pain.
I just finished a conversation with my husband about whether he saw the same improvements in me that I saw in myself from the notes. He said he did.
So I've sort of answered for myself a question that's been bugging me a bit, about whether therapy has been helpful or hurtful.
Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2003, at 22:48:21
In reply to Re: Going over my notes to myself » Dinah, posted by judy1 on June 11, 2003, at 22:30:09
Judy, I really wish my therapist accepted email communications. I don't even know if he has email. Of course, then my OCD might kick in and not want me to put anything in writing. :)
But it would be so convenient. Sometimes I want to say something to him, but I know that when the next appointment comes around I'll be feeling a bit differently and won't want to say it. So then I either have to call him to leave a message, or hope that the next appt I will tell him what I want to tell him in the way I want to tell him (which very rarely happens). I tried writing it down, but I just shredded the communications. And while I must admit that I told him what I shredded, I didn't tell him in the same way. I changed the whole tone of it, making it a different message altogether.
Email would solve that whole dilemma. And he would be able to hear from me while I'm in the mood I'm trying to communicate from. Instead of filtered and distorted from a different mood entirely.
I wonder if he has email, or if he's afraid I'll misuse it. Or if it just hasn't occurred to him. Maybe I'll bring up the problem with him and see if he has a suggestion.
Posted by noa on June 12, 2003, at 3:46:31
In reply to Going over my notes to myself, posted by Dinah on June 11, 2003, at 21:44:04
Posted by fallsfall on June 12, 2003, at 7:10:51
In reply to Going over my notes to myself, posted by Dinah on June 11, 2003, at 21:44:04
Ah, yes. I have 6 or 7 notebooks full of journalling, and I've gone back to read it on occasion. What strikes me is the depth of my agony. I don't know that it is better now, but it was awful then (I have 8 years of journalling, too). I have only gone back probably twice. It is a lot of writing and a lot of pain.
I think best with a keyboard, so I always journal on the computer. I don't save it there (too many other eyes in this house), but I print 2 copies. One I give to my therapist, and one I keep. Sometimes if there has been a really difficult situation, instead of telling her about it I read the journalling (it is more accurate than my memory). If it was really hard, I give her the journalling to read during the session and then we can talk about it. I always give her the sheets when I leave the session. I'm on my 12th folder for my chart!! I can tell her things in my journalling that I can't say. It also gives me a chance to get extra information to her without running over on my sessions. She seems to like the journalling.
So, Dinah, don't shred it!! Give it to your therapist.
I've made progress, too. And it is nice to see.
Posted by judy1 on June 12, 2003, at 12:05:04
In reply to Re: Going over my notes to myself » judy1, posted by Dinah on June 11, 2003, at 22:48:21
I really hope you do decide to bring e-mail up with your doc Dinah, you're absolutely right that it really helps to write something at 3am instead of waitng until morning to try to communicate. Sometimes, my pdoc actually writes back at 3 am!, he's as much an insomniac as I am. He also is very computer oriented so that helps, my last pdoc didn't even know how to use one. good luck, judy
P.S. I do have to admit his responses are very brief ( a la Dr. Bob :-), maybe 1 or 2 sentences to my paragraph- but it does really help.
Posted by Cerodwen on June 15, 2003, at 16:27:11
In reply to Re: Going over my notes to myself » Dinah, posted by judy1 on June 12, 2003, at 12:05:04
Journaling is so helpful - I too have been writing things down for about 3 years. However, when I get seriously depressed or manic, I stop writing, and don't start again until I feel sort of okay again. Which is frustrating because those are the times when I wish I had notes the most.
Posted by Dinah on June 15, 2003, at 22:23:05
In reply to Re: Going over my notes to myself, posted by Cerodwen on June 15, 2003, at 16:27:11
I'm the same way. :( Actually, I do lousy journaling. But I keep a mood log with short notations. Problem is that I can't seem to do it consistently enough to get a good picture.
I usually only write well when something really feels compelling. And most of what I write is in letter form to my therapist, or posts here on the board. I don't do nearly so well in diary format.
Another problem is that as I get better at communicating my thoughts to my therapist, I write much much less. So I won't have the same material to go over from this period as I did over the period when I had more trouble communicating verbally.
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