![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 14 to 38 of 89. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:32:08
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:19:20
there isn't.
people try it on when they say that there are things i can do to make people want to help me.
the only way to make people want to help you is to revise what it is that you want to do until you are doing what it is that they want you to do.
the only way my supervisor would have wanted to help me finish in a timely fashion was if i had have done what she said and submitted late. and then it wouldn't have gotten processed in time but it would have been my fault because i submitted it late. but she would have really wanted to help me only she couldn't have done anything for me because i submitted it late.
that kind of help.
someone from... somewhere... said that it was a shame that x (someone i know who is maaori) wasn't completed and given a job. he's bright and he's keen and he's actually really talented and kind and generous of spirit and everyone knows this... and over the years he spent years and years and years and years and years on his phd. he had periods of such awful black dark hole where he was not at all productive. he also had lots of personal health problems (cancer and he's got heart problems from the rheumatic fever complications). anyway...
my advisor was like 'he did finish his phd and if he wants a job he needs a couple publications - same as everyone else'.
and i pointed out he'd likely die of heart failure before nz pays him his very own personal living wage. (he's been supported by partners for a while now -- finding a partner to support him has had to have been a fairly high priority for him for much of his life in addition to everything else)...
and she just didn't get it. just doesn't get it.
he should have had a hand to get it handed in in 3 years. a phd is 3 years. he started out writing and working and full of passion and hope. and instead of them going 'great' and 'make x concrete change, great now move on' and so on... instead of sheparding him through they went 'rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish' until they shut him down. until he started doing that to himself and then they could blame him for his own unproductivity.
simlarly with the publications. someone could take a direct... this bit and this bit and this bit and i'll do this bit... proactive approach with him. help shepard him along... so he internalises that...
but instead the 'help' is only shutting him down.
because at the end of the day... you have these people earning what they earn... these people who apparently don't have time to work with their research students (not that i'm complaining) because they are too busy with undergraduae teaching... who choose not to reliably contract that work out to others (such as him) so that those others might also have a living wage.
she does seem to genuinely care for him.
so i don't quite get the double consciousness.
i don't know what it is.
i am so angry that philosophy became overrun with bullies. back when i used to love it i saw people with integrity and professionalism... not all... but some...
i see less now...
bullies.
how am in supposed to handle myself in all this?
given the whole 'just one more year of we'll take your money' b*llsh*t. i mean... at what point do i call b*llsh*t.
and what does calling b*llsh*t amount to.
killing myself?
?
i don't see a way.
in this country...
it is a political thing...
i just don't see a way to pursue my ends.
and i dont want to live if i can't pursue my ends.
my ends are not the ends of a sadist (requring others to give up their ends)
but the ends of most others who seem to be honored are the ends of the sadist (which among other things involve me givnig up my ends)
i dont know what to do.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:38:16
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:32:08
and here we are, again. and i have been here before.
last year.
and the response was: just one more year, then there will be a way forwards, okay? and i worked my way forwards. and now here we are again.
what about the year before that one...
let's see... that one was the same. that year was going to be my year. but, no, just one more year... that was it.
and the year before that... it was going to be two more years. i would get out with an anatomy degree and that would be it.
but before that it was...
two more years. of physiology degree.
before that one more year of first year.
before that two more years. one of a pre-year so that first year would be the year for me.
my friends all think i'm delusional.
can you see why?
shall i just wait one more year?
really?
one more year?
shall i
?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:29:43
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:12:58
I feel bad about what I've said about things being sh*t. About my friends. About my friends work. About their projects. Plans. And so on.
It is philosophy... What philosophy was, in Australia. It was a bonding sort of thing. Everywhere people came from was sh*t and all those people were sh*t and a certain few of the people in the Australian place were really brilliant but everyone else was sh*t.
And I didn't feel that way about the philosophy department where I had come from. My supervisor there was always professional and kind. I had some good friends there. We had fun together and respectful dialogue. They challenged me in good ways. They were interesting and kind people.
And the people in Australia never threw me a cookie. They never said anything positive or encouraging about my work. I suppose it is true that I didn't say much about theirs... But with who they were and with everyone else proclaiming how wonderful they were all the time did they really need me jumping on the bandwagon?
And it was very in-group out-group. And I... I don't know... I didn't have much affinity for the in-group. Because it was gossipy and clique and because people liked to dress up and... I don't know... It just wasn't my thing.
Anyway...
I think the trouble with philosophy is that most people feel their own work is sh*t. Because they are grappling with a problem that has been a problem for centuries, or whatever. Most people feel rubbish because they are very idealistic and focus on how they are short of their ideal. But there is also an aspect of rubbishing other people and other peoples projects etc.
I just want to be free of it.
And the politics stuff, too.
I just wanted to study Med. The science of it. Then learn the clinical skills.
I don't want to do much actual science. People get very into having you do lots of laboratory work with titrations of various things and calculations... Or doing weird things with fish eggs or... Who knows what. All that isn't so fun. It's hard to know how it relates to people (if at all). It's not very interesting to me (no offence). And then all the animal experimentation.
The politics stuff is awful, too.
I just want to train as a clinician. Be trained to work with a team of other trained clinicians. And I see then it's a matter of setting things up...
I already know (I don't need to experience the surgery simulator thing they have got going) that you simply can't do such things when people have decided that your goal (to focus on the pateint) is unacceptable to them. You must focus on them...
I wonder if my friends think I would make such a horrible doctor that they're determined to do what they can to prevent me if they have a chance to do that... I wonder why they would go that way instead of thinking that if they are good to me then maybe I might be able to be good to them down the track. Is it lack of thought or...
I strongly suspect it is that they feel sort of trapped into doing what they are doing. Trapped into following the money because they didn't see another way. What I did...I think maybe they sort of don't want that to work because then maybe they will regret their life choices some? I honestly don't know.
I want to stop thinking.
I don't know how I feel.
Numb.
I did for my interview, too.
How am I supposed to feel?
I think they want to see me beg or plead or dysregulate or? I don't know what they want from me.
I feel like this must be a mistake... A misunderstanding. But I've felt that way before...
And it turned out it wasn't a misunderstanding at all.
They are actually doing this to me all over again.
I wonder what the stats breakdown is on the people who actually get ot do it.
How many places are left once the doctors kids have their places and the university vice chancellor and elite peoples kids have their places and the politicians and business elites kids have their places and the international students who pay 3x the fees have their places and the maaori kids who will do military style data colecltion and flu shots kids have their places...
...
then how many places are left?
maybe some kids who they think would make nice husbands / wives for the above...
and then how many places?
?
i don't know.
apparently there is a bimodal distribution going in. people with most debt and people with no debt. the no debt people i guess they invest their money on the overseas education. the most debt people... they try and crowd them out. probably by firstly hiding the fact that these other kids are working on the overseas education in the first place. it would be considered cruel to let them know, since they can't afford it / can't have it i suppose the idea is.
i don't know.
i just feel...
angry. really f*ck*ng angry.
i put in a reimbursement form for thesis binding costs. a couple hundred dollars that i needed to get to the interview. it was supposed to come back within 6 weeks. 5 weeks in i check with mjy supervisor and she informs me it's been sitting in her tray for 5 weeks and she didn't sign it and get it to the next person...
i end up asking her if i can borrow a couple hundred dollars becuase i need the money to get to interview and i counted on it.
so she loans it to me.
only to then deny i submitted on time and hold off getting it to examiners and then say it's rubbish and shouldn't be passed.
only to do her best to make it the case that i'm not eligable to apply even after supporting me in getting to the interview. i mean... she didn't think to try and dissuade me from spending around $1,000 on attending the interview, at all...
she was a friend.
well call me austistic. i don't need friends.
you can have friends back thanks.
i don't like the noise they make.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:37:56
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:29:43
well they have money. they have jobs that pay well. and i don't. and apparently that is because i'm sh*t. and i won't get to have a MPhil qualification in philospohy because my work is sh*t. and i won't get to do medicine because i am sh*t. i am sh*t. that is why i have nothing.
that is the answer my 'friends' give to me.
that is why they are paid what they are paid whereas i am on welfare. because they are not sh*t -- but i am sh*t. complete and utter garbage sh*t.
and so is this maaori friend of mine... the one who took 10 + or however many years to get his phd thesis signed off on. for them to give him permission to submit, i mean. he's sh*t, too. well no, i don't think they would say he's sh*t... but they would say that he's not very productive. he's slow in his work. he's very slow to get work done.
only (imho) he's pretty darned quick. it's just that they keep wanting him to slooooooooooooooow doooooooooooown and hoooooooooold offfffffff until they okay everything.
and 10 years later...
they have accumulated what wealth?
which is, of course, justified. because he's slow. and i'm garbage.
great people, these.
fo sho
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:44:03
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:37:56
and so...
what's the way out?
i can't find the information on how much the university gets paid for my thesis.
i think they do get paid something... i think i remember that there was indeed a pretty big incentive for the university to get completed theses from the government. only... that might have been in australia. and that was something to do with why the department there got into trouble. because apparently the PhD scholarships the students were paid and so on was just a tip on the iceberg that was the money that came to the department for the student completed phd submissions... and so by not getting the student submissions the university was getting really f*ck*ng pissy with the department...
so...
there might be something like that at my university if i can get hold of the right people. and if i make it clear that this was why i enrolled... and that i have no intention of giving my thesis to waikato if they do not (somehow or other) get auckland to accept that they are giving them late evidence of completion in order not to penalise the candidate since it wasnt the candidates fault the university processing people ground to a halt.
my thesis is political...
i worry a bit people might feel they have some kind of an interest in it not being hardbound. i guess i could send it to publisher and see about getting it published as a book. i can alter the acknowledgements to say that it was initially written as an Mphil but the university refused to grade it in time.
i can see about legal... but i don't think we have legal in this country. it is possible that they have consulted their lawyers already and... i don't know...
i don't know.
i don't know what to do.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:52:03
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:44:03
but i do know they are not getting more work out of me.
i said: evidence of completion by december 7 and i need to be finished up by february 25.
i meant that.
that's not negotiable.
that's the pivot.
and that is why it is the only thing they are hell bent on getting moving.
if you say 'do whatever you want but don't do x'
they will go
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxi remember that. that feeling. that urge. i don't know what it was. but, yeah. i remembe rthat. from when i was younger. how i would test clniicians. how i would think that if they couldn't pass my tests they wouldn't be strong enough to work with me / be solid for me. i used ot push, yeah.
but these are highly paid people. highly paid to do a job. i got myself into debt to subsidise their jobs.
duty of care doesnt mean anything to these people.
they just see themselves as head of a hierarchy which means they have the power to bully.
how am in supposed to interact with that?
i've seen it on previously-med guy. you pretend to be anxious and concerned and supplicant. you seek reassurance from them. you be all like 'i don't know if this is okay -- what do you think? i'm really worried?' and you stay that way until other people reassure you and reassure you again and reassure you again and again and then belly laugh and love your supplication. they give you permission to continue... that's how it's done.
i can't do that.
i don't know that i can explain it. for me... it has the flavor of sexual favors or something. i mean... i have a repulsion... i can't / won't do that.
i feel very strongly that you shouldn't need to ask permission of others to do whatever.
but i guess i am not a hierarchical person.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 13:33:40
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:52:03
I maybe figured out a way.
If Auckland will accept the confirmation by y date and Waikato can confirm acceptance by y date with the provision that I take 10 weeks to make editorial changes then... That would bring final submission to late Feb. And I started in early March. It was just that they bullied me into accepting an official start enrolment date of early May because they took processing time and refused to backdate it.
And maybe that will be acceptable to both. The Auckland people were reasonable, before, about the interview mix up. And I suppose it depends on their reasonableness, really. Whether they accept the late confirmation, I mean. It was Waikato taking longer to process things *every step of the way* that meant the second examiners report wasn't back in time.
I don't understand why Waikato has been so crap / unhelpful about this. I get that they think their job is to... Do something like this. Try and bully people into taking 2 academic years to complete 1 years worth of work...
What kind of healthcare do they want for themselves and the people they love? Maybe they do want the kind whereby it takes 2x as long to get the tests to labs... To get the lab results back... To get the treatment... To live 1/2 the life they would otherwise. Maybe this just is... Uh... The other side of the coin on that.
Maybe it is.
Maybe this is about cutting ties, for me.
I know I said stuff previously about thinking I have some kind of debt to NZ... But really it was more that I was bonded here, since I was a citizen of here. Not eligable / don't have any ability at all to pursue my goals overseas. They have enough of their own rubbish to deal with. But ultimately my duty is to the world, I think. Humanity or something. Why stay here and help people reinvent the wheel when you can work with the world leading engineers and pave the way? It's a different skill set that gets the things that are already worked out to be implemented.
I can't wait to get outta here.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 13:48:48
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 13:33:40
I guess it is maybe helpful in thinking of it as a lifes lesson in how most people will treat others -- if they think they can get away with it.
Given that that is the case, you need to be aware that that is what most people are up to and plan / handle / manage yourself accordingly. Otherwise those other people will simply suck your life away...
It doesn't mean that the only way out or through is to join them. In behaving similarly, I mean. But it does mean that you need to cover your tracks anticipating that people will likely try it on if they think they can get away with it. So plan for that.
And maybe (though I'll think on it) the people who have established history of that life strategy... Maybe those people deserve to be treated comperably.
But how to do that without ruining your habitual responses / world view / for interaction with people who aren't playing that nasty short sighted game...
I don't know that there is a way for that...
And I guess that is the problem. And something like that has been pointed out as the problem. That's why lack of emotional responses... Numbness... As the rational position. The psychopathic position. To have the adaptability...
But then also what are the costs of getting that wrong? We might think that the people who contributed to genocide and the like had that sort of a thing... Just activated towards the wrong targets. Or similarly.
I don't know.
I guess the idea is to minimise exposure to / to get away from people who behave like this. Minimise time spent. So then it's hard to begrudge the people who try and wrap their kids up, a bit. Keep them out of the public schools in these parts. Try and send them a place with genuine team spirit and rivalry in an aimiable way (like what happens with 'rival' or 'twin' univerities in the US... Congenial sort of a rivalry... I guess it is a way of trying to provide a... Civilised outlet. Based mostly on cooperation or collaboration within a group.
Anyway... I still do resent the bullying. I guess that is what people mean when they say about bullying. It is hard to understand what is going on with that, I Mean. It gets to the point where people cry 'bullying!!' everywhere like my Mother will cry 'elder abuse'.
I guess I have something of a heads up on my social supports.
That's okay. I guess, really, most people won't have a lot of social support that they do Med. And I also know that being the kid of someone who expects you do do something you'd rather not... And there are too many outs for that to be the case for people in Med. I think... I guess... It actually seems to be... Really very genuinely the case... That a heap of people really really want it in a quite genuine way. Not saying that their parental support doesn't buy the way easier for them... But I guess the danger of that is their being trapped by the DHBs out the other end. I don't know. Worry about me... Try and make some decent friends... I wonder if other people will be studying for USMLE and if other people or even the uni will bring that up at an early stage.
I hope they do. I hope they encourage us to do that. It would make life so much easier (make it so much more likely one can find an appropriately focused study group). I mean... I'm sure it's hard at the best of times to find a good study group... But if people aren't even in agreemnet over the most basic of materials / over the content that they are being required to learn... Though I guess the curriculum will...
Anyway... Haven't given up yet.
I am resentful of their attempt to bully me out of my goal. They want their own med school. They should have their own doctors who bully them out of their goal. I want no part in it.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 14:07:29
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 13:48:48
it will be that if they think i can't stand up to them / promote my own interests then there isn't any hope that i will be able to stand up to others in order to promote their interests.
yeah, that will be it.
okay. that makes sense of it in a way i can live with. not hate them for it. not want to retailiate in their direction, and so on. why can't people just say that?
anyway...
we will get heaps of materials and they do their best to give us a good curriclumum etc. i need to remember that plenty of things aren't teachable / learnable in book format. they will give us everything they want us to learn, i guess.
i'm just really happy about the first aid book because it handily locates so much useful information in one place. if i think about all the time i've wasted in previous years just trying to find the thing i was supposed to be freaking learning. e.g., becuase there was a typo on the powerpoint they gave us or because they gave us 4 or 7 models and it was hard to know which one in particular to learn. it is just a high yield tool, though. half the time half the battel is in having a standard frame, or whatever. i guess there will be more variability, here, in how much people will use it, or whatever. i guess i don't know how much use there will be in advance...
i'm just surprised that the library doesn't have all the editions of it over the years. There is like... One or two... I guess it is possible that the med students all buy it...
But i guess i would have thought it would have been the sort of thing that would be useful for undergrads to consult sometimes? I don't know...
Whatever...
Whatever...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 13:44:14
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 14:07:29
it is that people have the power to delay things, to hold things up, and so on. and they choose to lord their power over others. so, you have to give them some incentive... money, gifts, bl*w j*bs, metaphoric bl*w j*bs... whatever it is that they want / ask of you... otherwise they will use their power to delay things, lose things, hold things up, and so on.
somehow or other we do not consider this to be corruption.
that administration will not proceed in a timely fashion if the applicant / candidate does not appropriately respond to each and every person who has the power to and who decides to use their power to hold things up along the way.
things don't seem to be processed in this country.
students national examination results from secondary school (required to get them into university both here and overseas) sometimes don't come back in time for them to start next year. they are no longer eligable for foreign scholarships and the like because their results aren't released in time.
my work wasn't processed in time this year because my supervisor decided to teach me some kind of a lesson in how things get done (how things don't get done because work doesn't count unless people sign off on it - and people won't sign off on it unless you give them metaphoric bl*w j*bs). if people see that you are capable enough to get your work done before time... they just interpret that as their having more time than usual to mess with you. they just interpret that as your having more than usual time to give them metaphoric bl*w j*bs. and that is why our most capable people are targeted for 'special' friendships, and the like.
when i wrote a particularly good essay they failed it and asked me to come in to see them. when i got high 90s for my physiology multiguess my first laboratory report was graded in such a way that... the people make it clear enough that they wanted total control over my written work in future. i would write down the sentance when they said because they said or i would be flunked out entirely. the things i was requred to say are things that would render me undesirable to people who are not similarly corrupt. the political line they wanted me to spout so i would sound like a psychopath. the laboratory procedure / methodology / results interpreteation that they wanted me to spout so i would sound like i was willing to falsify things in the laboratory.
there was something in the medical journal recently about students believing that they were require to give cervical examinations on unconscious pateints (anesthetised for un-related operations) when instructed to (without their consent) or they would be failed for a required part of the program of study (failed out of their medical degree or at the least required to re-sit the year).
people seem determined to show me that this is the way the medical degree is...
but is it? or is it the non-medical people who are determined to show me that it's just life so i shuold just get on with doing what they say already...
looking for a way through...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:04:49
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 13:44:14
and in the midst of this i wonder at what point the developed world will simply say that they refuse to acknowledge our qualifications.
i see our universities are moving to some online qualification system. that qualification results will be modifyable by universities retrospectively. that qualification results are only valid for 5 years. then qualifications expire.
university is...
not accessible to the masses. they will take your money... but it is precious few who have access to an education. and it is precious few who gain entry to private training colleges with a genuine apprenticeship into work. it is just that those private training colleges require some kind of university degree as a pre-requisitie.
you can't sit the USMLE and apply for match without being enrolled in medical school. and you are required to complete your degree before you can match. so the home country has veto interest. and the home country always decides to stabotage me because i wont' give them metaphorical bl*w j*bs. and because they decide that what they most value in a doctor is someone who will look them in the face and show them whatever it is that they want to see while their actions...
hence the obsession with psychopaths.
of course the problme is that you are supposed to want to f*ck them. the appropriate desire. which takes us back to camus...
the thing about professionalism was about being able to abstract away from the person and focus on the work. the ability to do the job to the best of your ability and not be distracted into offering a differnet standard of care because of someones race or gender or because you do not like the look of their face or because they dind't pay you enough or because they didn't wnat to give you metaphorical bl*w j*bs. that's the thing about professionalism... the ability to focus on the job and get on with the job instead of becoming focused on trying to make everybody believe that you are making some kind of special exception for them.
the lack of professionalism in processing...
grades don't mean anything. they aren't a test of recall of important informaiton or understanding or anything...
selection for programs is based on an algorithm that is chosen as a justification for them having selected the candidates they selected.
this is the last and final year.
it is possible that there is an element of match that occurs at this point. i mean why not get something for nothing (more money out of the candidate for the nz university system). more time for the candidate to prepare before they start the degree. it is possible that the canadidates who are selected in the earliest (immediately after first year) are the candidates who are most set up for staying in this country indefinately serving the DHBs in non-progressing qualifications. i think these candidates may be more likely to be the kids of doctors in this country... the kids of politicians and the like... the kids coming in with the best education money could buy to expediate their grades from first year... who knows.
automotive engineering at tech might count. if i need to spend another year preparing then that would likely be more useful to me than giving my supervisor metaphoric bl*w j*bs. i basically don't trust her integrity anymore / after that. all she needed to do was get it to examiners within 3 weeks. and she choose to delay... every step of the way... to teach me a lesson in making people want to help me. i don't want to work in the public system with people like that. i want to work someplace with people who are willing and able to throw themselves willingly into their work... not slow the whole thing down for their own f*ck*ng agenda.
what is her agenda?
oh, yeah, to make sure nobody completes in a timely fashion. not on her watch. that's pretty much why they pay her.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:15:53
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:04:49
i don't have anything to say to anyone right now. i am so f*ck*ng mad. i have never hated people so much in my entire f*ck*ng life.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:21:22
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:15:53
because nothing changes of the fact of where does the money go?
the high up admin people on excess of $200,000 a year. who do not consider themselves sufficiently incentivised to blind grade student work on it's actual academic merits.
the fact that many gifted and talented academic students are flunked out because they do not devote their lives to serving their elders (because they are focused on their academic work).
the fact that each and every year genuine productivity diminishes and the amount of busywork increases.
each and every year we lament the lack of knowledgeable and skilled people who are able to get work done (those students we flunked earlier).
each and every year we increase the proportion of administrators and managers and 'support staff'... but there aren't any actual productive academics who are able to nurture independent productivity in their students.
it was flunked out and / or it fled.
but, sure, let me give you metaphorical bl*wj*bs for a job well done!
long live administration, ho!
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:38:49
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:21:22
I mean...
I offered my supervisor a very low-maintenence timely completion.
She knows I'm able and I'm capable. She knows I've written work to the quality where I was accepted on full scholarship to a bunch of universities... She knows I've got a publication...
So she can trust me to produce quality work, at the end of the day.
She didn't know about my ability to work to a deadline (because she only knew of my last Masters where it was just a time filler). So that would have been something that she didn't know /that I was going to show her.
All I needed her to do was let me get on with it, really. Which is bloody convenient since I know as well as she does that she's got a full teaching workload and student grading and the like. So the fact that she doesn't need to meet with me overly much and so on should be a real bonus.
I send her stuff regularly but say 'it's early and I know it's rubbish, but I need to send you some stuff as a progress requirement so here it is. I have more work that needs to be done on it yet'. So she can see at an eyeball about how I have recent references and I'm not plagarising and the like... But she isn't required to make detailed comments or whatever.
Then it comes together really quickly at the end, there. And I give it to, like, a week before I need to submit it, and she gets me comments back on teh odd thing... And I incorporate those as best I can... And then I submit. And she's screaming at me not to. Only it needs to be submitted on that date in order for the standard processing times to mean I can get completion on time.
And she's screaming at me not to. She's saying that why do I think that submitting on time (against her will) is going to get me timely completion instead of my listening to her and submitting later (when she approves it) and then she can expediate the external examination process.
and i don't think that she actually can expediate the external examination process. or: it would undermine the integrity of the degree if she could, rather.
so i submit on time.
and she's screaming about how i can't do that and so on.
and she has this form where she can say 'i don't think it's ready to submit'. and that's fine. she can say on the form that.
but she seemed to think that saying that on the form meant that she was entitled? to... do her best to make things move slowly, now. so she then tried to delay them acknowledging that i had submitted (saying that i hadn't submitted until she had filled out her part of the form which took her about a week and a half) and then delaying getting it to externals because it was 'hard' for her to find an external. then after sending it out to them late (more than 3 weeks later) she decided to send it by boat, or something.
so the externals got it later than she promised (I would imagine) and i think an overseas one waited on her to send a physical copy by non-expediated shipping (it looks like) ... which indicated to them (non-verbally) that they should take their full 8 weeks and similiarly ship it back...
so all of this means i miss my deadline.
which is supposed to be a lesson to me in listening to my supervsior.
only... she never was going to let me complete in time.
because she doesn't get anything done in time. i guess... i don't know what it is...
i think she's unhappy she didn't get to tell me what to say and where to say it and make me take a whole bunhc of my time making alterations to my thesis to make it differnet (not necessarily better) just because she says so.
that process takes time. and she wanted / wants to drag it out for as long as possible.
i imagine there is kudos in the tea room or whtaever that she has this student who she gets to boss around...
so the whole thing needs to be slowed down ... to allow time for all of that...
and how mnay years f*ck*ng later does alex get to get on with the f*ck*ng work, already?
i genuinely hope they let me do autoshop. i'll learn how to do some stuff on my bike so repairs and maintenence won't end up costing an arm or a leg haha.
lesson learned about homage to people because... just because...
i'm not paid to look after her. she's paid to look after me. she hasnt helped me finish on time. she actively worked hard to prevent it.
and so i really don't want them to have my thesis in hardcopy.
i don't want them to get the government money for it. i said my goal with it was to get it done so i could go on to do something else... i thought it would be of mutual benefit to have a timely completion for the department. if students think they can get through arts degrees in a timely way and go on to other things... other occupations even... then that should be good for the university
?
i guess it would make it apparent that the university doesn't have the people to support that.
they'd rather herd them through thousands at a time giving the highest grades to the ones who suck up the most / to a certain proportion of those with brown sounding names out of equity and so on...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:58:46
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:38:49
I am resentful of the requirement to have completed a full time year of study within the last 5 years.
It might make sense in cases where people did science degrees and where laboratory techniques change. Or in computer science degrees... I don't know... I honestly think the 5 year requirement is just a money grabbing move on the part of the university system. Which makes me feel resentful about it.
It might be about cognitive capacity. How your ability to acquire new knowledge partly depends on how practiced you are. But I have been continually studying. And I have been studying classes that are hard for me (maths and chemistry and statistics and so on) and so my full time / part time status thing isn't really so relevant (particularly when you consider I have however many years of lack of secondardy school to plug in to be learned simultaneously).
So it seems to me to be a money grub.
Which makes me think: Do the work. Get it checked off (I pay them for that primarily - right)?
But my supervisor feels that she didn't get out of me... Whatever it is that her her due.
Only she was busy... And I don't actually see that she was required to do much in the way of anything.
Its the graduate schools responsibiltiyt to get it to examiners. And the changes need to be made to the satisfacton of the school - the examiners OR the supervisor.
So she didn't actually need to do anything at all. Just not stick her oar in to make things slow down / grind to a stop.
Given how much of a teaching workload she had... That's all she needed to do.
And she would have supervised someone to timely completion in a way that could not have been less demanding on her time.
But instead she wanted to be a part of the process...
So everything must slow down.
Who is paying who again?
How is this supposed to make me want to help people?
I did want to help people. But then they frustrate me in getting entry to the program that will teach me the knowledge so that I can be in the position to help them...
Which is supposed to make me want to help them?
Or to remain inept and stay with them in their swampy swamp swamp as some kind of... Uh... Lesson to me.
?
?
Just let me go, already.
At least let me to autoshop.
ffs.
I did work for philosophy. And the people didn't sign me off becuase they wanted to only send out little copies of themselves... Little spores that would not take seed anywhere because there was only ever room for one of them...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 15:10:43
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:58:46
and i just come back to this thing, again...
if i can write 1 paper in a year
and you can write 1 paper in a year
then i can give you my paper and you can help me edit it / point out some obvious criticism if there is one. no kudos or special credit for pointing out obscure things that don't matter. ideally you have nothing to say. ideally there are no typos or whatever. ideally it doesn't need changing.
then i can do the same for your paper.
then we can both boost our productivity by co-authoring 2 papers. and the paper would be better for editorial comments. for sure. but that doesn't take as much time as writing the f*ck*ng paper.
then (since we were fairly independent) it might be that a futher paper can be developed as differences of opinion or perspective arise. as there is a disagreemnet between the authors.
yay. a bonus paper number 3.
but this doesn't happen. because instead of getting 3 papers in a timely fashion we end up with 1 paper that was edited into a different paper and where the editorial comments / process took as long (or maybe even longer) than it took to write the f*ck*ng paper in the first place.
in fact...
the 1 paper that could have been written (and processed without hinderance) doesn't even come into fruition, at all.
becuase people decided to oppose it. if they couldn't force it to be paper number 3. right from the starting gate.
good job, people! working together :)
Posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2018, at 22:13:36
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 15:10:43
so i can't get administration (i think it is administration) to process anything. they just don't process my things. they don't process my work. they don't process my applications. they just don't process me, at all. i get messages to the effect (did not receive your thing that you wanted us to process!) and (... just, uh, ain't processing it!) and (processed it and it's too crap to process further) and (you are failed because we can't / don't want to process it). and so on.
i don't know what to do.
it might have something to do with the administration software of the previous government...
i don't know.
our university calendar regulations are all revisable now, too, in an ongoing way.
i don't know what to do.
i can't even afford for the greencard lottery
and even if i could, why would they process it?
MIT rejected my application (years ago now) so swiftly it suggests they didn't process it.
Cornell didn't bother to notify me that they rejected it because they didn't process it to the point of that, even.
it isn't like things seem to be better in the US. to the best of my knowledge. anyway.
i found an old email account the other day. i read specifically where i asked for 3 weeks off to deal with my Father's death. i specifically said i could go for the 1 week spring break and take 1 week either side. that i found someone who was willing to cover my teaching for those 2 weeks (and i was willing to consider ways i could make it up to that person and / or to the university). i specifically said i was willing to make it up to that person / the university. i forgot that / i wasn't sure. i wasn't sure how fair-minded i was back then... but i specifically said that.
and the answer was 'no'. and then when i couldn't get the grading done in that final week... essays on euthanasia... i said i just couldn't rationally process things on the topic right now. i wasn't able to fairly grade my students. that was my reason. i specifically said that.
whatever.
i wish i'd never been born. why did that get processed okay?
and nothing thereafter.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2018, at 22:17:52
In reply to Re: processing, posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2018, at 22:13:36
they just chose not to process my med application. there is this clause about 'normally x' but nothing to say that if x doesn't obtain then applications get to be culled.
but culled it was.
then i had something about how x was going to be the case... so they started processing again and i got an interview.
then that thing didn't turn out (because it wasnt processed in time). so they stopped processing to.
and they say 'try again next year!'
but if they didn't process me this year, why would they process me next year?
and if they just don't process things when they feel like not processing things then why would i trust them to process things in future?
i mean... do i really want to study a medical degree with them if every single year i worry abotu whether or not they processed my year alright or not? whether they are going to credit me the degree or try and flunk me out right at that very last minute, there...
why would anybody want things to be this way?
i don't understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2018, at 22:21:34
In reply to Re: processing, posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2018, at 22:17:52
apparently there is an incentive to keep you in the program once you are in the program because by culling you they are down a student in your cohort and they can't replace that student (get another students fees).
but probably not so very much to complete you right at the last minute, there.
except for the world database thing which makes them report how many students they have and how many were graduated. for the international thing. which will affect their international students aka $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
i'm sure they have a line about how 'only the applicants who really want it figure out how to get their application processed'.
well. just so long as the applicants were focused on making administration want to process their application (and not on studying for their examinations) then all must be well in the world.
i mean, really. what is one supposed to say.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:19:38
In reply to Re: processing, posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2018, at 22:21:34
so apparently now it was processed, it was just that i was too crap to get offered a place. and then i wasn't going to be offered a place even if i wasnt crap because i didn't meet some clause...
but i don't believe them when it comes to my rank score.
i mean... they tried that one already. they sent me a email to say my application was unsuccessful because i didn't make it to interview. the idea being that i didnd't meet the GPA cut-off. only i would have had one of the higher GPAs so i queried it... and they then offered me an interview...
so now they say that i was rank scored lower than 40 other people who did not make places, either. only... i don't believe that. not with my GPA.
and then they took me off that, anyway, over the interpretation of a phrase that didn't have a comma to disambiguate the way they choose to disambiguate which meant they threw me off the list.
how am i supposed to take this process / them seriously?
when they seem so very very very very very very very determined to cull me at every single point they possibly could.
why are they so awful to me?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:24:47
In reply to Re: processing, posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:19:38
and they just go 'it's okay! try again next year!'
yeah...
spend several hundred dollars on the test again (where one test gave me a low score because, you know, i'm autistic which means i get a low score' and then the next test gave me an even lower score because, you know, previously i asked for accommodatinos and this time i didn't and so this time i hvae to do worse because otherwise it would look like their accommodations were actually discriminations against). so they f*ck*d it up. completely. by basically not just... giving me the score i f*ck*ng well earned in the first place... or maybe they actually were never capable of giving people the score that they f*ck*ng well earned at all...
i mean... how can i go from getting maybe 2 or 3 section 2 (verbal) questions wrong in all their hundreds of questions test preparation material only to score low 60's for the actual test (which was actually a thinly veiled 'personality assessment' where they clearly valued boorishness - since I figured they probably didn't want boorishness and i did badly - boorishness it was).
but i pay them for the privaledge of supporting... their boorish private school 17 and 18 year old offspring getting expediated wonderful scores because they are future of healthcare for australasia. clearly.
why think this year will be any different?
it's a f*ck*ng farce.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:30:15
In reply to Re: processing, posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:24:47
and there's 'normally' clauses all over the place. like... the interview portion of selection is based on objective qualities that are assessed... uh... 'normally' by interview.
but i guess 'also not normally' by... whatever mechanism they like.
apparently people get 'definate yes' and 'definite no' scores (must have or must not have) on the basis of interview.
i wonder how that goes...
'one parent is a doctor, they therefore demonstrate perfect knowledge of the field and if they then say they want to do it they also demonstrate perfect motivation --- must have!!!'
and then we have the university administrations kids.. the business peoples kids... the politicians kids..
if they are all expediated through with 'definite yes' because of their 'must have' qualities then it makes sense that someone with (say) an 8.3 GPA would miss out because, you know, there are 40 people or whatever who got 'definite yes' just so long as they made the very basic cut off for GPA.
the whole thing just feels like a f*ck*ng farce.
just one more year?
how many times have i been there before...
i think give me the place that i'm owed.
yeah.
i think people have profiteered from me a little too much already.
i think they have and i think they have been.
i'm really f*ck*ng fed up
Posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:36:00
In reply to Re: processing, posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:30:15
because this was the year i was going to f*ck*ng well earn it via hard work.
but my supervisor decided to sit my work in her tray for 5 weeks because, you know, why wouldn't you - if you thought you could get away with it?
people decide to teach me a little lesson in 'your hard work isn't worth anything unless we acknowledge your work and we simply dismiss it and so what are you going to do about it?
people decide to berate me all year on how i can't possibly get done in standard time. i need to take longer than everyone else. because of my autism, you know, standard accommodation for it is extra time because if you have the diagnosis that means everyone around you gets to waste your time and not acknowledge the work you do with your time and get you spending your time doing their work and get you you know... staying poor and throwing money at them while they continue to make the considerable profits they do and have been at your expense for... how many years now? and how many years to come?
and all this is a f*ck*ng farce because it's not even about me being granted my independence or my freedom or any of that. it's about entry to a f*ck*ng program that is just the very start of however many years of being their bitch on the way to...
why is it so f*ck*ng hard to get started?
oh, yeah, expediating their kids... their kids... the best of the kids here... the kids who were expediated through to take up all the charity overseas offers our way... those kids... all the US scholarships and the british training places... those kids...
whatever...
they didn't process anything of mine normally all year. i didn't get sent an offer of interview with all the other kids.
i got targetd for 'special treatment' alright.
i f*ck*ng hate this country.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:43:06
In reply to Re: processing, posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:36:00
i say 'i have a disability but i am seeking no accommodaitons please just process me with all the other kids'
so they say i don't make cut off for interview.
only, i did make cut off for interview.
so they say i didn't make it to ranking because i'm not eligable.
so i point out that the clause doesn't support their culling my application from ranking.
so they say they actually did rank me and i ranked badly.
and that then after i ranked badly i was removed from ranking because i'm not eligable.
i bet all their kids have to do all of this. every step of teh f*ck*ng way. sure they do.
or only the autistic ones?
?
i guess this is supposed to be a lesson in huddling with the herd because if you appear differnet for any reason you will be constantly targeted for exclusion.
i know that.
therefore: put me with peers.
before i die.
thanks.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 15:30:22
In reply to Re: processing, posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:43:06
the whole thing was just a jack up / conspiracy to make me waste another year.
instead of the dean inquiring about when they needed evidence of completion the dean inquired about whether i could apply again, next year.
instead of them not telling the f*ck*ng world whether or not i was eligable to apply again next year (personal information -- right???) they tell the f*ck*ng world that it's okay -- i can apply again next year.
they intentionally stabotaged me in order to waste yet another year of my life.
and that was why i was flunked for population health, too. because they thought they would get me for another 2 years to finish up a degree.
then right for that very last course of my degree there would be that one person sitting there with something sufficiently arbitrarily graded like a laboratory report or perhaps a nonsense multi-guess where the answers are not released... and they would make sure you just scrape the cut off for entry to honours but don't do well enough for entry to medicine or entry to anything overseas.
unless you are 'one of their kids' of course.
there is no integrity in our university system, anymore.
they used to say that university was unfair because it was only for the rich / elite... only i don't see that it was, in this country. it was for anyone who wanted to go. you could take out a loan to go to university in this country if you wanted to go. this was during a time when people were going from secondardy school into employment, however. so going to university was taking a short-term sacrifice for some longer term objective.
now... there aren't jobs so everyone must go to university. so now the grades are meaningless because the good ones are given to the kids who they select for ... not even jobs...
for entry into training programs. the private training programs that may or may not give you a job out the end of it...
i'm not even good enough to be cannon fodder taking the shots for their kids along the way.
f*ck*ng idiot *ssh*l*s.
i hate this country.
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