![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 3 to 27 of 89. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 2:51:48
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 2:42:51
sorry that didn't read well.
i don't mean i threatened to kill myself. i didn't say anything like that and i'm not threatening it.
i don't see a reason to live otherwise, though.
i know my friends have found reason in money and in the things money buys them. things like the power to bully others, i see.
but these aren't things that have incentivised me.
all i want is this...
i guess it is / will be about cutting ties. not my choice. but how can i take these people seriously as friends when they try and persuade me that i'm crap and incompetent and so on...
they like to see me powerless and so on...
that's not any kind of a friendship at all.
were we ever equals?
not really... or not for such a loooooong time.
i feel like that show... the truman show.. and this country is crumbling like the matrix. melting or crumbling. the facade of civilisation is crumbling here. those awful joker scream masks and people just laughing their faces off that they managed to keep me kicked and weak for so long...
and i think about how much time they spend on their jobs and what they do. i think about how my friend wrote his thesis and about him saying about how he could swim in the morning and work in the afternoon and that was a way to get it written... and i think about how hard i work... and i see that you have this awful bunch of bullies proclaiming that things are rubbish and crap. i thought my supervisor was different but i'm learning this year i misjudged her. i thought she got caught up in the gossip of others sometimes. now i'm seeing she's actually more of the major instigator.
she did not stand up for me. she misled me. lied to me? she genuinely thought i wasn't very adept / was incopmetent / wasn't able to cope with stress / was mentally ill kid.
she pretended to support my plans (when she thought they were pie in the sky unattainable). then when i was getting stuff done in time she went into denial and then outright opposition. now... it's practically tantrums and stabotage.
is it some kind of act for some higher purpose?
why does this part of things need to feel lonely?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 3:04:45
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 2:51:48
Because it's about different life choices. And it's about people thinking that the choices they've made for themselves are the best choices and in their justification for that (so they feel better about themselves) denigrading the choices of others.
Or the ends.
So... The people with jobs in philosophy think that that's the best thing of all and that they are best because they have that thing. And the people with highly paid government jobs think that that's the best thing of all and that they are best because they have that thing (but maybe some issues if they might prefer to have had a philosophy job). And my wanting to do Med...
Well... Everyone preferred to think that I didn't have my thesis done and I didn't have a government job because I was inept. Incompetent. Mentally ill. Whatever whatever. But they felt better when they thought I wanted what it was that they had.
Anyway... Whatever.
I wonder if they really will cull my application because they are waiting on another external examiners report. They did say (like 5 times) that they needed evidence of completion by the deadline. But really they don't need that to rank me because the evidence is only about eligability and not about GPA. But they said they needed it clear as anything. Even though the university keeps inquiring about different degree programs and saying that's not true...
All year the University has been saying black is white and up is down and so on. They wouldn't process a reimbursement for months and months and months... And then they require 3x evidence of bank account details with arbitrary reasons about why this, that, or the other one isn't acceptable (with the main effect being to have it miss a pay round so as to delay it for a further 2 weeks).
I wonder if they get bonuses on everything they lose / delay in processing.
I used to have nothing but praise for the Uni. This year... I can't see much of any good there... I don't understand why? Because I don't want to stay there with them more than anything in the world?
What happened to if you love something set it free...
Oh yeah. I keep thinking the free world and civilisation and so on.
Sigh.
I hope next year goes differently for me.
I never prized myself on my ability to work with belligerant people who decide to be obstructive. Some people seem to enjoy it... That never was me.
Would that really count against me?
?
I don't know.
I guess I must be doing well if people decide it's a good time to be so awful to me.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 3:18:09
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 3:04:45
it is a funny thing. i've learned my friends wil appear supportive for my successes / fortunes if they think there isn't anything they can do to prevent my successes / fortunes.
if there are little things they can do to be obstructive, then they seem to like that, though and will rise to that opportunity.
i don't particularly trust what a couple of them will say acting in a referee capacity. but i do trust that the person who contacts them will know that what they say tells them more about the person doing the saying than it does about me. it will likely reveal the nature of my social supports. which is probably as it should be...
i'm genuinely happy for their successes and they are genuinely happy for my misfortunes.
genuinely happy when they think of me as useless and incompetent.
whatever. different worlds...
nobody must think the path i've chosen is doable for themselves. imagine if everyone dropped out of employment to do it.
it's the thing... there will be a name for it. when you think someone is going to leave you and so you hate on them so you make them leave / feel like you have control over their leaving.
borderline personality.
it is like this whole country has it.
trauma response. yeah. coupled with immature emotion coping. yeah.
i've noticed that for the longest time...
one of the interviewers, actually, raised bullying.
it's funny... i thought people were bullies, rather, when i first arrived in aussie. the whole style of interaction in questions. other people didn't see it that way, though, they said they saw passionate people was all. i saw lots of bang thumping. now i'm remembering lots of who got to proclaim what was good and what was crap. and how it was a bully kind of a stand over thing. i guess the uni here is worried they haven't made me work for it sufficiently because i sort of stealth submitted so my advisor didn't get to bully / critique me the way one would expect in the field. so they are having a go with this examiner... only it isn't enough to justify not allowing me to complete for another 6 months.
it's all about whether it is too late for Auckland.
the processing thing seems to be about who you know. which is sad. i'm sad. but i got back in last time after being culled because i asked the right person... some social supports after all.
my friends are doing their best. it will be about this idea of feeling like you earned it and so on. maybe i will laugh later. i don' tknow. it feels like an awfully barbaric rite of passage to me. i would prefer we evolve past such things / abuses.
it is bullying. yes.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 15:13:04
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 3:18:09
it is. it is about bullying and blustering and standing over and thumping and banging and asserting your own ends and treating others as merely means to your ends and not respecting their own ends, at all.
and there is this idea that everyone must do their time... everyone must do their time of being subjugated. of subjugating themselves to the ends of another. must serve them. and then one day they will be granted freedom and slaves of their own.
only... that's not a a very nice game. and that's not a very nice reason to have kids or students or people in your care.
but that's the game, here. so...
they would rather i work on some meaningless and anal and totally irrelevant project about... nothing. just because someone has the power to make me do that. someone can read what i write and go 'no no no!' and 'reference that!' and 'find references for the opposite view!' and so on... and i'll have to spend my time doing what they say because they say. and they'll say what they say because they can.
and that's a good plan for GDP.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 15:16:04
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 15:13:04
but it's a plan that doesn't involve my falsifying laboratory data and / or protocol and uploading that to turnitin.
it's a plan that doesn't involve my spouting the political rubbish to turnitin.
if you wanted to get a nation uploading utter rubbish to turnitin in... oh... an attempt to persuade people that 'there's no people, here' then we seem to be going about that the right way.
and the grading. that's all there, too. what ones get what grades.
it's all there. turned over to whoever has control over / access to the software. for better or worse.
our intellectual property.
there you go.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2018, at 9:47:23
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2018, at 15:16:04
It is bullying.
They take people -- all of whom have already established histories of doing really solid work in philosophy...
And they bully and publically shame them until production slows / ceases. I mean, they call their work 'rubbish' and guffaw and so on. Try and make them believe that they are stupid and so on. If you turn off your meaning comprehension part of your brain and watch the spectical it's like watching a bunch of apes with the postures and the gestures...
And when you turn on your meaning comprehension there is an awful lot of 'nooooooo' and 'I don't belieeeeeeeeve you' and 'well, now, that's just blatantly false' and the like.
People say... They want to do philosophy... They want to stay in philosophy... For the people. People say (when asked how they find philosophy) 'they pay me'.
I did philosophy because I loved philosophy. But then I met the behavior of the high level people.
All the drinking and partying and carrying on. The poor health. People loved to berate me for smoking but they also loved to bludge cigarettes from me and they especially loved to lay out the alcohol...
This year has just been another instance of bullying. Trying to bully me into starting later than I wanted. Trying to bullly me into believing I hadn't submitted. And so on.
It's just a bunch of nonsense rubbish bullying is all.
I applied by the deadline in February and selected early March from the computer form drop down menu. I started early March even though they feigned inability to process things in a timely fashion enough for me to be bullied into accepting an early May start date.
If they had have accepted my thesis on Friday (which was 3 months after my submission that they refuse to accept solely in virtue of my supervisor refusing to sign the ethics form) and they make me take 10 weeks to revise changes before hardbinding then that takes us through to around the end of February. Which is very nearly 12 calander months.
Instead...
They are trying to bully me into working on a slightly different project over the next 6 months.
Not a better project. Just a different project.
Because...
Because they are awful people, honestly.
Because then they will get to proclaim louder and with more justification that I'm incapable of getting work done on time.
Either they get Auckland to rank me for Medicine 2019 or they don't get a thesis from me at all.
Then I guess I'll be forced to do appeals / appeal to the government about a refund of fees since they took my money but were unable to do their job.
I guess this is how the DHB's have to be dealt with, too. And the Med school. Right the way along...
Tis just awful awful bullies who lacked the vision to pursue the ideal. Who decided squabbling and scraping amongst each other and kicking people back was their best chance of success. Of getting to join the fun (if that way of life is fun for you, I guess). Of having enough money to keep people in rental slums or to keep people as your unpaid servant in your house...
At least I see it for what it is, now.
Civilisation...
Tiny tiny little pockets of it.
The place I was at before... That started out great... I was there to witness the demise. Was part of the demise. I can list so many graduate students who were all bullied into quitting philosophy altogether. People still there who have mostly been bullied into ceasing all production.
Unless you want your life to be extracting what the bullies say about this, that, and the other thing (that they decide is a worthwhile project), and then writing that up for them. They persist as journal editors. It is what it is. Academic philospohy. I imagine things are similar across other fields. The arts. The social sciences. All the way to working in someones laboratory doing experiments they give you. All the way to slave labour, basically. Slaves earn their freedom by... Something Camus about displaying the appropriate emotion at the approrpiate time. There was one guy who could always extract... Permission to continue... Out of my last supervsior (and who appears to still do this) by spending the first portion of his talk basically expressing fear that his work isn't any good and these are just his initial thoughts and he still has so much work to do... And he has just the appropriate attitude of supplication (generally in my supervisors direction) for him to laugh and say 'now now x let's get on with it shall we' or similar...
Which is a variant of hui (meeting with the elders) for however many afternoons or days or weeks or months in order to obtain consents from the politically elite as part of gaining permission (from them) to... I don't know... Move on in and brutalise their people.
He used to be in Med. He used to be obsessed with psychopaths / psychopathy. But he seemed to know how to placate the bullies...
The interview was largely an exercise in acting. I guess because as a medical doctor you will in fact have to deal with / interact with an awful lot of psychopaths. There are lots of people (DHBs included) who want something for nothing. Your slave labour. To have you (who doesn't know anything) seeing people (telling them you don't know what's wrong, telling them you figured it out too late to do anything)... To have you doing that all day. To have you doing that all day INSTEAD OF giving you time in your day to pursue further training / further knowledge. THey don't want to pay you more for being better. They actually don't want you being any good. Being good at Medicine likely means being more expensive... Delivering actual treatments, I mean. It's cheaper if the people just curl up and die, already, you see. Extending life is more expensive...
You have to handle yourself amongst the psychopaths. I know there are bullies in Medicine, too. But they aren't the ones with the knowledge... There are some really smart bullies in philosoophy with knowledge... But they won't let their students progress because they'd rather keep them as slaves.
I guess at the end of the day we might end up with a similar thing.
I don't know.
I guess I'm just in the pursuit of my ends. Same as everyone else...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2018, at 9:55:20
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2018, at 9:47:23
He said something once about how you can't force slaves to do certain kinds of tasks. Might have been something to do with basket weaving or whatever.
I said I didn't see why you couldn't force slaves to do those tasks. Physically stand over them with a stick and make them work. Many sweat shops seem functional with respect to high volume output.
He sort of said 'whatever'...
But I expect it was genuinely creative works of art that he had in mind.
Enslaved people don't do that.
That would have been it / what he meant.
Many journals and PhD programs do in fact churn out graduates...
I suspect that was it.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2018, at 10:07:37
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2018, at 9:55:20
When I was an undergraduate I'm fairly sure that it was departmental policy that you lose 5% of your grade (drop a grade e.g., from a B to a B-) for every day you submitted it late (where late was time-stamped so 9.05am was one day late on a 9am deadline and may as well have been submitted 8:55am the following day). And that was enforced. And I never handed in anything late. Even if it meant I was up all night and walking up to the Uni at break of dawn to hand it in.
And I respected that. Because I worked my *ss off to get quality work handed in, in time. Whereas other people were 'care less' about it and they would choose to go out partying (for example) the night before and then work on it the next day while hungover...
My current supervisor was only just arriving as I was finishing up the second year of my Master's... I was persuaded into believing that taking 2 years for my Master's was appropriate because my honours level grades needed to be back and final before I could be accepted into PhD programs and I wanted to apply to northern hemisphere programs so what else would I do with my time?? May as well simply take longer on my Masters and by being enrolled I'd be eligable to pick up extra teaching work...
Grading for her later it surprised me that she kept saying 'and here's another one' and then 'and heres another 5' and then '7 more popped up over the next week' (when we were grading to 2 weeks turnaround time). I asked her how she wanted me to handle lateness / what the policy was and she said something along the lines of 'oh, I don't bother penalising lateness. The late ones typically aren't any better, anyway'. I was floored... But she's the boss...
And now she's my boss...
And I thought that since she didn't care about late she probably didn'dt care about early either. I mean... I could just get it done...
Only then she's late with every single thing she needs to do. A funding reimbursement sits in her tray for 5 weeks... Comments on my work don't all come back before her deadline... She somehow can't find examiners for more than the standard time. There was even confusion there because she seemed to think the role of examiners is to simply agree with her assessment. I guess one of the examiners always says 'I think the candidate should keep working on this for an extended enrolment period'. Especially when she's the one doing the asking... I suppose that's it.
If this gets through the field will be unhappy with her because she didn't bully me out of it. My thesis is my thesis. Clearly. It isn't 1 year of me subjugating myself to spew my supervisors line. And that... Well... That would be bad precedent.
We need to remember things about the charter of the university. Something about critic and conscience of society. Something about a footnote to a comment about the meaning of meaning... You could be diverted to wasting your life working on rubbish like that. Enjoying the alcohol and the parties and every opportunity to kick the other people back...
Awful people.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:02:35
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2018, at 10:07:37
and i am in a foul foul foul foul foul foul foul foul foul foul foul foul f*ck*ng mood, indeed.
back to the whole 'you can't get anything done if your community wants to murder you' notion.
i already know this.
that's why i've spent most of my life wishing i was dead / had never been born.
other people project and externalise. i internalise. i always have. i always wondered about what was wrong with me and there was never any shortage of people to tell me what was wrong with them (in the name of telling me what was wrong with me).
there were two different leader people in the interview. one just talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and didn't seem to care what i had to say. so i just sort of nodded and agreed and went along with it. i wasn't sure what he was up to but he was acting yeah.
about criticism. and i suppose i didn't articulate it properly... with respect to the difference between contstructive and destructive criticism but i suppose i did say something about how you need to blow off criticism sometimes like when someone doesn't like your haircut and they hassle you about it... but that sometimes it helps you strive to make things better... and then he mentioned bullying near the end.
and then a lady who was very... deferential. i think. and asked me what i thought. and was all 'perfect, that's just perfect whatever you think is just perfect'. asking about leadership styles. and i talked about sheepdog trials and the sheep leading the other sheep and the sheepdog and then the handler telling the sheep where to go. and about how you hope that teams have a diversity of people with different strengths and you can defer to peoples strengths and take consensus where you can get it. and how some people need to speak up but others need to pipe down because they are nervous talkers.
anyway, whatever.
i just feel so powerless that the university decided that it would not allow me to process in the time i have been working towards all year. i mean i did a timeline and showed how what i planned was comperable to an honours student workload and it credits similarly... and sure they were all 'you can't do that' but typically people bully each other in the arts. tell each other that their work is rubbish and try and get people to take 10 or 20 years to do their phd (because it's cheap / free labour).
so i just hunkered down and got it done. like it was any other piece of undergraduate work. get it done: hand it in. Or post it off. so they can get on with assessing it.
but it seems that there is some unwritten rule that the supervisor gets to call 'rubbish rubbish rubbish' on it over the course of the year... that the supervsior needs to accept the submission, even.
but supervsiors will not accept their students submissions in a timely fashion. because then they lose their slave labour.
so...
so that wasn't ever going to happen.
so i just sent it in for them to send to externals.
anyway... yet another year i get myself into greater debt. yet another year my work counts for... rubbish. i paid them. they didn't do their work.
what am i going to do about it?
what can i do about it?
just stop in the work and die, alex. same as everyone else. what, you think you are special?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:12:58
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:02:35
every year i pay money to the public university system in this country. i pay them a bunch of money so they can teach me stuff and grade my stuff and give me credit for the work i did / the stuff i've learned.
only...
over the years... the courses get shitter and shitter. i mean... my supervsior is making up one just now on the difference between pseudoscience and bad science. because those are particularly valuable things to be learnign about, one can only suppose...
and the grading gets shitter and shitter, too. i mean they will assess you on content they haven't taught you (as in, ask you to answer questions they are wondering but don't know the answer to -- in science, i mean) and / or they don't seem to have any system of grading and / or they seem to just give students grades based on their previous grades (so there is no possibility of working your way up).
and teh qualifications... are now becoming some online thing. where apparently the university reserves the right to... revise things. down the track. it really will get to the point wehre qualifications expire over time. or where grades are... demoted... or revised downwards over time. something like that will be next. you will need to pay continual stream of money to the computer systems to keep your qualifications online... not paying to upskil but paying to...
and i throw money into this nonsense each and every year.
only it is just numbers on a page. student loan debt to the government here. the government pays some sum to the university so vice chancellors and high university officials can earn salaries in excess of $100,000 per year while students... watch lecturers on tv in classes of upwards of 1,000 students or learn about the difference between phoney science and bad science... or learn about how reading writing and arithemetic is culturally inappropriate for our culture / society.
but it keeps me off of the 'unemployed' list. if i was 'unemployed' i would need to go to continual seminars and meetings and so on on 'how to write a cv' and 'how to do a budget' and i would be offered jobs like ones that require me to work in teh airport for 4 hours from 12pm to 4am that pay $15 an hour and charge $10 an hour in parking and where i need to launder my own uniform (to be purchased by me from their company).
it's a system that keeps people off of unemployment.
so our unemployment rate is one of the lowest in the world!!!
because we are the best country in the world in which to be a child... stuck in school forever... learning about bad science and fake science or whatever...
working our way...
working our way...
why labour?
why did i have to be born?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:19:20
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:12:58
and every year they go 'just one more year and you can apply to Medicine!'
just one more yearoh, oops, got you on a technicality!
just one more year!
just one more year and you can apply to Medicine!
aaaaaaaw so close but got you on a technicality!!
but just one more year and you can apply to Medicine!
nearly! not quite! please play again.
just one more year...
this was it.
if they don't put this right.
why would they put this right next year?
why didn't they put this right in previous years?
____
suppose i do get into Medicine...
when will they decide to flunk me out of Medicine?
will they teach me anything or just do their best to prevent people studying for overseas exams... i guess i already know it will be the later...
because the books aren't in the library.
they aren't on desk reserve.
nobody talks about them...
so it's a secret.
so it's... competitive. nasty. nasty competitive.
those who know and those who don't
those who are interested in undermining others as their strategy for personal success...
it's never a 'let's work together' for... at the very least, for a nicer atmosphere for all of us.
people here just don't seem to get along.
i'm trying to think of when / where things might have been differnet.
maybe not so much.
i don't know.
being taken for a fool i am.
being taken for a fool.
there is no way to work your way anywhere, here.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:32:08
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:19:20
there isn't.
people try it on when they say that there are things i can do to make people want to help me.
the only way to make people want to help you is to revise what it is that you want to do until you are doing what it is that they want you to do.
the only way my supervisor would have wanted to help me finish in a timely fashion was if i had have done what she said and submitted late. and then it wouldn't have gotten processed in time but it would have been my fault because i submitted it late. but she would have really wanted to help me only she couldn't have done anything for me because i submitted it late.
that kind of help.
someone from... somewhere... said that it was a shame that x (someone i know who is maaori) wasn't completed and given a job. he's bright and he's keen and he's actually really talented and kind and generous of spirit and everyone knows this... and over the years he spent years and years and years and years and years on his phd. he had periods of such awful black dark hole where he was not at all productive. he also had lots of personal health problems (cancer and he's got heart problems from the rheumatic fever complications). anyway...
my advisor was like 'he did finish his phd and if he wants a job he needs a couple publications - same as everyone else'.
and i pointed out he'd likely die of heart failure before nz pays him his very own personal living wage. (he's been supported by partners for a while now -- finding a partner to support him has had to have been a fairly high priority for him for much of his life in addition to everything else)...
and she just didn't get it. just doesn't get it.
he should have had a hand to get it handed in in 3 years. a phd is 3 years. he started out writing and working and full of passion and hope. and instead of them going 'great' and 'make x concrete change, great now move on' and so on... instead of sheparding him through they went 'rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish' until they shut him down. until he started doing that to himself and then they could blame him for his own unproductivity.
simlarly with the publications. someone could take a direct... this bit and this bit and this bit and i'll do this bit... proactive approach with him. help shepard him along... so he internalises that...
but instead the 'help' is only shutting him down.
because at the end of the day... you have these people earning what they earn... these people who apparently don't have time to work with their research students (not that i'm complaining) because they are too busy with undergraduae teaching... who choose not to reliably contract that work out to others (such as him) so that those others might also have a living wage.
she does seem to genuinely care for him.
so i don't quite get the double consciousness.
i don't know what it is.
i am so angry that philosophy became overrun with bullies. back when i used to love it i saw people with integrity and professionalism... not all... but some...
i see less now...
bullies.
how am in supposed to handle myself in all this?
given the whole 'just one more year of we'll take your money' b*llsh*t. i mean... at what point do i call b*llsh*t.
and what does calling b*llsh*t amount to.
killing myself?
?
i don't see a way.
in this country...
it is a political thing...
i just don't see a way to pursue my ends.
and i dont want to live if i can't pursue my ends.
my ends are not the ends of a sadist (requring others to give up their ends)
but the ends of most others who seem to be honored are the ends of the sadist (which among other things involve me givnig up my ends)
i dont know what to do.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:38:16
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:32:08
and here we are, again. and i have been here before.
last year.
and the response was: just one more year, then there will be a way forwards, okay? and i worked my way forwards. and now here we are again.
what about the year before that one...
let's see... that one was the same. that year was going to be my year. but, no, just one more year... that was it.
and the year before that... it was going to be two more years. i would get out with an anatomy degree and that would be it.
but before that it was...
two more years. of physiology degree.
before that one more year of first year.
before that two more years. one of a pre-year so that first year would be the year for me.
my friends all think i'm delusional.
can you see why?
shall i just wait one more year?
really?
one more year?
shall i
?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:29:43
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:12:58
I feel bad about what I've said about things being sh*t. About my friends. About my friends work. About their projects. Plans. And so on.
It is philosophy... What philosophy was, in Australia. It was a bonding sort of thing. Everywhere people came from was sh*t and all those people were sh*t and a certain few of the people in the Australian place were really brilliant but everyone else was sh*t.
And I didn't feel that way about the philosophy department where I had come from. My supervisor there was always professional and kind. I had some good friends there. We had fun together and respectful dialogue. They challenged me in good ways. They were interesting and kind people.
And the people in Australia never threw me a cookie. They never said anything positive or encouraging about my work. I suppose it is true that I didn't say much about theirs... But with who they were and with everyone else proclaiming how wonderful they were all the time did they really need me jumping on the bandwagon?
And it was very in-group out-group. And I... I don't know... I didn't have much affinity for the in-group. Because it was gossipy and clique and because people liked to dress up and... I don't know... It just wasn't my thing.
Anyway...
I think the trouble with philosophy is that most people feel their own work is sh*t. Because they are grappling with a problem that has been a problem for centuries, or whatever. Most people feel rubbish because they are very idealistic and focus on how they are short of their ideal. But there is also an aspect of rubbishing other people and other peoples projects etc.
I just want to be free of it.
And the politics stuff, too.
I just wanted to study Med. The science of it. Then learn the clinical skills.
I don't want to do much actual science. People get very into having you do lots of laboratory work with titrations of various things and calculations... Or doing weird things with fish eggs or... Who knows what. All that isn't so fun. It's hard to know how it relates to people (if at all). It's not very interesting to me (no offence). And then all the animal experimentation.
The politics stuff is awful, too.
I just want to train as a clinician. Be trained to work with a team of other trained clinicians. And I see then it's a matter of setting things up...
I already know (I don't need to experience the surgery simulator thing they have got going) that you simply can't do such things when people have decided that your goal (to focus on the pateint) is unacceptable to them. You must focus on them...
I wonder if my friends think I would make such a horrible doctor that they're determined to do what they can to prevent me if they have a chance to do that... I wonder why they would go that way instead of thinking that if they are good to me then maybe I might be able to be good to them down the track. Is it lack of thought or...
I strongly suspect it is that they feel sort of trapped into doing what they are doing. Trapped into following the money because they didn't see another way. What I did...I think maybe they sort of don't want that to work because then maybe they will regret their life choices some? I honestly don't know.
I want to stop thinking.
I don't know how I feel.
Numb.
I did for my interview, too.
How am I supposed to feel?
I think they want to see me beg or plead or dysregulate or? I don't know what they want from me.
I feel like this must be a mistake... A misunderstanding. But I've felt that way before...
And it turned out it wasn't a misunderstanding at all.
They are actually doing this to me all over again.
I wonder what the stats breakdown is on the people who actually get ot do it.
How many places are left once the doctors kids have their places and the university vice chancellor and elite peoples kids have their places and the politicians and business elites kids have their places and the international students who pay 3x the fees have their places and the maaori kids who will do military style data colecltion and flu shots kids have their places...
...
then how many places are left?
maybe some kids who they think would make nice husbands / wives for the above...
and then how many places?
?
i don't know.
apparently there is a bimodal distribution going in. people with most debt and people with no debt. the no debt people i guess they invest their money on the overseas education. the most debt people... they try and crowd them out. probably by firstly hiding the fact that these other kids are working on the overseas education in the first place. it would be considered cruel to let them know, since they can't afford it / can't have it i suppose the idea is.
i don't know.
i just feel...
angry. really f*ck*ng angry.
i put in a reimbursement form for thesis binding costs. a couple hundred dollars that i needed to get to the interview. it was supposed to come back within 6 weeks. 5 weeks in i check with mjy supervisor and she informs me it's been sitting in her tray for 5 weeks and she didn't sign it and get it to the next person...
i end up asking her if i can borrow a couple hundred dollars becuase i need the money to get to interview and i counted on it.
so she loans it to me.
only to then deny i submitted on time and hold off getting it to examiners and then say it's rubbish and shouldn't be passed.
only to do her best to make it the case that i'm not eligable to apply even after supporting me in getting to the interview. i mean... she didn't think to try and dissuade me from spending around $1,000 on attending the interview, at all...
she was a friend.
well call me austistic. i don't need friends.
you can have friends back thanks.
i don't like the noise they make.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:37:56
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:29:43
well they have money. they have jobs that pay well. and i don't. and apparently that is because i'm sh*t. and i won't get to have a MPhil qualification in philospohy because my work is sh*t. and i won't get to do medicine because i am sh*t. i am sh*t. that is why i have nothing.
that is the answer my 'friends' give to me.
that is why they are paid what they are paid whereas i am on welfare. because they are not sh*t -- but i am sh*t. complete and utter garbage sh*t.
and so is this maaori friend of mine... the one who took 10 + or however many years to get his phd thesis signed off on. for them to give him permission to submit, i mean. he's sh*t, too. well no, i don't think they would say he's sh*t... but they would say that he's not very productive. he's slow in his work. he's very slow to get work done.
only (imho) he's pretty darned quick. it's just that they keep wanting him to slooooooooooooooow doooooooooooown and hoooooooooold offfffffff until they okay everything.
and 10 years later...
they have accumulated what wealth?
which is, of course, justified. because he's slow. and i'm garbage.
great people, these.
fo sho
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:44:03
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:37:56
and so...
what's the way out?
i can't find the information on how much the university gets paid for my thesis.
i think they do get paid something... i think i remember that there was indeed a pretty big incentive for the university to get completed theses from the government. only... that might have been in australia. and that was something to do with why the department there got into trouble. because apparently the PhD scholarships the students were paid and so on was just a tip on the iceberg that was the money that came to the department for the student completed phd submissions... and so by not getting the student submissions the university was getting really f*ck*ng pissy with the department...
so...
there might be something like that at my university if i can get hold of the right people. and if i make it clear that this was why i enrolled... and that i have no intention of giving my thesis to waikato if they do not (somehow or other) get auckland to accept that they are giving them late evidence of completion in order not to penalise the candidate since it wasnt the candidates fault the university processing people ground to a halt.
my thesis is political...
i worry a bit people might feel they have some kind of an interest in it not being hardbound. i guess i could send it to publisher and see about getting it published as a book. i can alter the acknowledgements to say that it was initially written as an Mphil but the university refused to grade it in time.
i can see about legal... but i don't think we have legal in this country. it is possible that they have consulted their lawyers already and... i don't know...
i don't know.
i don't know what to do.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:52:03
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:44:03
but i do know they are not getting more work out of me.
i said: evidence of completion by december 7 and i need to be finished up by february 25.
i meant that.
that's not negotiable.
that's the pivot.
and that is why it is the only thing they are hell bent on getting moving.
if you say 'do whatever you want but don't do x'
they will go
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxi remember that. that feeling. that urge. i don't know what it was. but, yeah. i remembe rthat. from when i was younger. how i would test clniicians. how i would think that if they couldn't pass my tests they wouldn't be strong enough to work with me / be solid for me. i used ot push, yeah.
but these are highly paid people. highly paid to do a job. i got myself into debt to subsidise their jobs.
duty of care doesnt mean anything to these people.
they just see themselves as head of a hierarchy which means they have the power to bully.
how am in supposed to interact with that?
i've seen it on previously-med guy. you pretend to be anxious and concerned and supplicant. you seek reassurance from them. you be all like 'i don't know if this is okay -- what do you think? i'm really worried?' and you stay that way until other people reassure you and reassure you again and reassure you again and again and then belly laugh and love your supplication. they give you permission to continue... that's how it's done.
i can't do that.
i don't know that i can explain it. for me... it has the flavor of sexual favors or something. i mean... i have a repulsion... i can't / won't do that.
i feel very strongly that you shouldn't need to ask permission of others to do whatever.
but i guess i am not a hierarchical person.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 13:33:40
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:52:03
I maybe figured out a way.
If Auckland will accept the confirmation by y date and Waikato can confirm acceptance by y date with the provision that I take 10 weeks to make editorial changes then... That would bring final submission to late Feb. And I started in early March. It was just that they bullied me into accepting an official start enrolment date of early May because they took processing time and refused to backdate it.
And maybe that will be acceptable to both. The Auckland people were reasonable, before, about the interview mix up. And I suppose it depends on their reasonableness, really. Whether they accept the late confirmation, I mean. It was Waikato taking longer to process things *every step of the way* that meant the second examiners report wasn't back in time.
I don't understand why Waikato has been so crap / unhelpful about this. I get that they think their job is to... Do something like this. Try and bully people into taking 2 academic years to complete 1 years worth of work...
What kind of healthcare do they want for themselves and the people they love? Maybe they do want the kind whereby it takes 2x as long to get the tests to labs... To get the lab results back... To get the treatment... To live 1/2 the life they would otherwise. Maybe this just is... Uh... The other side of the coin on that.
Maybe it is.
Maybe this is about cutting ties, for me.
I know I said stuff previously about thinking I have some kind of debt to NZ... But really it was more that I was bonded here, since I was a citizen of here. Not eligable / don't have any ability at all to pursue my goals overseas. They have enough of their own rubbish to deal with. But ultimately my duty is to the world, I think. Humanity or something. Why stay here and help people reinvent the wheel when you can work with the world leading engineers and pave the way? It's a different skill set that gets the things that are already worked out to be implemented.
I can't wait to get outta here.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 13:48:48
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 13:33:40
I guess it is maybe helpful in thinking of it as a lifes lesson in how most people will treat others -- if they think they can get away with it.
Given that that is the case, you need to be aware that that is what most people are up to and plan / handle / manage yourself accordingly. Otherwise those other people will simply suck your life away...
It doesn't mean that the only way out or through is to join them. In behaving similarly, I mean. But it does mean that you need to cover your tracks anticipating that people will likely try it on if they think they can get away with it. So plan for that.
And maybe (though I'll think on it) the people who have established history of that life strategy... Maybe those people deserve to be treated comperably.
But how to do that without ruining your habitual responses / world view / for interaction with people who aren't playing that nasty short sighted game...
I don't know that there is a way for that...
And I guess that is the problem. And something like that has been pointed out as the problem. That's why lack of emotional responses... Numbness... As the rational position. The psychopathic position. To have the adaptability...
But then also what are the costs of getting that wrong? We might think that the people who contributed to genocide and the like had that sort of a thing... Just activated towards the wrong targets. Or similarly.
I don't know.
I guess the idea is to minimise exposure to / to get away from people who behave like this. Minimise time spent. So then it's hard to begrudge the people who try and wrap their kids up, a bit. Keep them out of the public schools in these parts. Try and send them a place with genuine team spirit and rivalry in an aimiable way (like what happens with 'rival' or 'twin' univerities in the US... Congenial sort of a rivalry... I guess it is a way of trying to provide a... Civilised outlet. Based mostly on cooperation or collaboration within a group.
Anyway... I still do resent the bullying. I guess that is what people mean when they say about bullying. It is hard to understand what is going on with that, I Mean. It gets to the point where people cry 'bullying!!' everywhere like my Mother will cry 'elder abuse'.
I guess I have something of a heads up on my social supports.
That's okay. I guess, really, most people won't have a lot of social support that they do Med. And I also know that being the kid of someone who expects you do do something you'd rather not... And there are too many outs for that to be the case for people in Med. I think... I guess... It actually seems to be... Really very genuinely the case... That a heap of people really really want it in a quite genuine way. Not saying that their parental support doesn't buy the way easier for them... But I guess the danger of that is their being trapped by the DHBs out the other end. I don't know. Worry about me... Try and make some decent friends... I wonder if other people will be studying for USMLE and if other people or even the uni will bring that up at an early stage.
I hope they do. I hope they encourage us to do that. It would make life so much easier (make it so much more likely one can find an appropriately focused study group). I mean... I'm sure it's hard at the best of times to find a good study group... But if people aren't even in agreemnet over the most basic of materials / over the content that they are being required to learn... Though I guess the curriculum will...
Anyway... Haven't given up yet.
I am resentful of their attempt to bully me out of my goal. They want their own med school. They should have their own doctors who bully them out of their goal. I want no part in it.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 14:07:29
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 13:48:48
it will be that if they think i can't stand up to them / promote my own interests then there isn't any hope that i will be able to stand up to others in order to promote their interests.
yeah, that will be it.
okay. that makes sense of it in a way i can live with. not hate them for it. not want to retailiate in their direction, and so on. why can't people just say that?
anyway...
we will get heaps of materials and they do their best to give us a good curriclumum etc. i need to remember that plenty of things aren't teachable / learnable in book format. they will give us everything they want us to learn, i guess.
i'm just really happy about the first aid book because it handily locates so much useful information in one place. if i think about all the time i've wasted in previous years just trying to find the thing i was supposed to be freaking learning. e.g., becuase there was a typo on the powerpoint they gave us or because they gave us 4 or 7 models and it was hard to know which one in particular to learn. it is just a high yield tool, though. half the time half the battel is in having a standard frame, or whatever. i guess there will be more variability, here, in how much people will use it, or whatever. i guess i don't know how much use there will be in advance...
i'm just surprised that the library doesn't have all the editions of it over the years. There is like... One or two... I guess it is possible that the med students all buy it...
But i guess i would have thought it would have been the sort of thing that would be useful for undergrads to consult sometimes? I don't know...
Whatever...
Whatever...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 13:44:14
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 14:07:29
it is that people have the power to delay things, to hold things up, and so on. and they choose to lord their power over others. so, you have to give them some incentive... money, gifts, bl*w j*bs, metaphoric bl*w j*bs... whatever it is that they want / ask of you... otherwise they will use their power to delay things, lose things, hold things up, and so on.
somehow or other we do not consider this to be corruption.
that administration will not proceed in a timely fashion if the applicant / candidate does not appropriately respond to each and every person who has the power to and who decides to use their power to hold things up along the way.
things don't seem to be processed in this country.
students national examination results from secondary school (required to get them into university both here and overseas) sometimes don't come back in time for them to start next year. they are no longer eligable for foreign scholarships and the like because their results aren't released in time.
my work wasn't processed in time this year because my supervisor decided to teach me some kind of a lesson in how things get done (how things don't get done because work doesn't count unless people sign off on it - and people won't sign off on it unless you give them metaphoric bl*w j*bs). if people see that you are capable enough to get your work done before time... they just interpret that as their having more time than usual to mess with you. they just interpret that as your having more than usual time to give them metaphoric bl*w j*bs. and that is why our most capable people are targeted for 'special' friendships, and the like.
when i wrote a particularly good essay they failed it and asked me to come in to see them. when i got high 90s for my physiology multiguess my first laboratory report was graded in such a way that... the people make it clear enough that they wanted total control over my written work in future. i would write down the sentance when they said because they said or i would be flunked out entirely. the things i was requred to say are things that would render me undesirable to people who are not similarly corrupt. the political line they wanted me to spout so i would sound like a psychopath. the laboratory procedure / methodology / results interpreteation that they wanted me to spout so i would sound like i was willing to falsify things in the laboratory.
there was something in the medical journal recently about students believing that they were require to give cervical examinations on unconscious pateints (anesthetised for un-related operations) when instructed to (without their consent) or they would be failed for a required part of the program of study (failed out of their medical degree or at the least required to re-sit the year).
people seem determined to show me that this is the way the medical degree is...
but is it? or is it the non-medical people who are determined to show me that it's just life so i shuold just get on with doing what they say already...
looking for a way through...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:04:49
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 13:44:14
and in the midst of this i wonder at what point the developed world will simply say that they refuse to acknowledge our qualifications.
i see our universities are moving to some online qualification system. that qualification results will be modifyable by universities retrospectively. that qualification results are only valid for 5 years. then qualifications expire.
university is...
not accessible to the masses. they will take your money... but it is precious few who have access to an education. and it is precious few who gain entry to private training colleges with a genuine apprenticeship into work. it is just that those private training colleges require some kind of university degree as a pre-requisitie.
you can't sit the USMLE and apply for match without being enrolled in medical school. and you are required to complete your degree before you can match. so the home country has veto interest. and the home country always decides to stabotage me because i wont' give them metaphorical bl*w j*bs. and because they decide that what they most value in a doctor is someone who will look them in the face and show them whatever it is that they want to see while their actions...
hence the obsession with psychopaths.
of course the problme is that you are supposed to want to f*ck them. the appropriate desire. which takes us back to camus...
the thing about professionalism was about being able to abstract away from the person and focus on the work. the ability to do the job to the best of your ability and not be distracted into offering a differnet standard of care because of someones race or gender or because you do not like the look of their face or because they dind't pay you enough or because they didn't wnat to give you metaphorical bl*w j*bs. that's the thing about professionalism... the ability to focus on the job and get on with the job instead of becoming focused on trying to make everybody believe that you are making some kind of special exception for them.
the lack of professionalism in processing...
grades don't mean anything. they aren't a test of recall of important informaiton or understanding or anything...
selection for programs is based on an algorithm that is chosen as a justification for them having selected the candidates they selected.
this is the last and final year.
it is possible that there is an element of match that occurs at this point. i mean why not get something for nothing (more money out of the candidate for the nz university system). more time for the candidate to prepare before they start the degree. it is possible that the canadidates who are selected in the earliest (immediately after first year) are the candidates who are most set up for staying in this country indefinately serving the DHBs in non-progressing qualifications. i think these candidates may be more likely to be the kids of doctors in this country... the kids of politicians and the like... the kids coming in with the best education money could buy to expediate their grades from first year... who knows.
automotive engineering at tech might count. if i need to spend another year preparing then that would likely be more useful to me than giving my supervisor metaphoric bl*w j*bs. i basically don't trust her integrity anymore / after that. all she needed to do was get it to examiners within 3 weeks. and she choose to delay... every step of the way... to teach me a lesson in making people want to help me. i don't want to work in the public system with people like that. i want to work someplace with people who are willing and able to throw themselves willingly into their work... not slow the whole thing down for their own f*ck*ng agenda.
what is her agenda?
oh, yeah, to make sure nobody completes in a timely fashion. not on her watch. that's pretty much why they pay her.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:15:53
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:04:49
i don't have anything to say to anyone right now. i am so f*ck*ng mad. i have never hated people so much in my entire f*ck*ng life.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:21:22
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:15:53
because nothing changes of the fact of where does the money go?
the high up admin people on excess of $200,000 a year. who do not consider themselves sufficiently incentivised to blind grade student work on it's actual academic merits.
the fact that many gifted and talented academic students are flunked out because they do not devote their lives to serving their elders (because they are focused on their academic work).
the fact that each and every year genuine productivity diminishes and the amount of busywork increases.
each and every year we lament the lack of knowledgeable and skilled people who are able to get work done (those students we flunked earlier).
each and every year we increase the proportion of administrators and managers and 'support staff'... but there aren't any actual productive academics who are able to nurture independent productivity in their students.
it was flunked out and / or it fled.
but, sure, let me give you metaphorical bl*wj*bs for a job well done!
long live administration, ho!
Posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:38:49
In reply to Re: maybe..., posted by alexandra_k on December 14, 2018, at 14:21:22
I mean...
I offered my supervisor a very low-maintenence timely completion.
She knows I'm able and I'm capable. She knows I've written work to the quality where I was accepted on full scholarship to a bunch of universities... She knows I've got a publication...
So she can trust me to produce quality work, at the end of the day.
She didn't know about my ability to work to a deadline (because she only knew of my last Masters where it was just a time filler). So that would have been something that she didn't know /that I was going to show her.
All I needed her to do was let me get on with it, really. Which is bloody convenient since I know as well as she does that she's got a full teaching workload and student grading and the like. So the fact that she doesn't need to meet with me overly much and so on should be a real bonus.
I send her stuff regularly but say 'it's early and I know it's rubbish, but I need to send you some stuff as a progress requirement so here it is. I have more work that needs to be done on it yet'. So she can see at an eyeball about how I have recent references and I'm not plagarising and the like... But she isn't required to make detailed comments or whatever.
Then it comes together really quickly at the end, there. And I give it to, like, a week before I need to submit it, and she gets me comments back on teh odd thing... And I incorporate those as best I can... And then I submit. And she's screaming at me not to. Only it needs to be submitted on that date in order for the standard processing times to mean I can get completion on time.
And she's screaming at me not to. She's saying that why do I think that submitting on time (against her will) is going to get me timely completion instead of my listening to her and submitting later (when she approves it) and then she can expediate the external examination process.
and i don't think that she actually can expediate the external examination process. or: it would undermine the integrity of the degree if she could, rather.
so i submit on time.
and she's screaming about how i can't do that and so on.
and she has this form where she can say 'i don't think it's ready to submit'. and that's fine. she can say on the form that.
but she seemed to think that saying that on the form meant that she was entitled? to... do her best to make things move slowly, now. so she then tried to delay them acknowledging that i had submitted (saying that i hadn't submitted until she had filled out her part of the form which took her about a week and a half) and then delaying getting it to externals because it was 'hard' for her to find an external. then after sending it out to them late (more than 3 weeks later) she decided to send it by boat, or something.
so the externals got it later than she promised (I would imagine) and i think an overseas one waited on her to send a physical copy by non-expediated shipping (it looks like) ... which indicated to them (non-verbally) that they should take their full 8 weeks and similiarly ship it back...
so all of this means i miss my deadline.
which is supposed to be a lesson to me in listening to my supervsior.
only... she never was going to let me complete in time.
because she doesn't get anything done in time. i guess... i don't know what it is...
i think she's unhappy she didn't get to tell me what to say and where to say it and make me take a whole bunhc of my time making alterations to my thesis to make it differnet (not necessarily better) just because she says so.
that process takes time. and she wanted / wants to drag it out for as long as possible.
i imagine there is kudos in the tea room or whtaever that she has this student who she gets to boss around...
so the whole thing needs to be slowed down ... to allow time for all of that...
and how mnay years f*ck*ng later does alex get to get on with the f*ck*ng work, already?
i genuinely hope they let me do autoshop. i'll learn how to do some stuff on my bike so repairs and maintenence won't end up costing an arm or a leg haha.
lesson learned about homage to people because... just because...
i'm not paid to look after her. she's paid to look after me. she hasnt helped me finish on time. she actively worked hard to prevent it.
and so i really don't want them to have my thesis in hardcopy.
i don't want them to get the government money for it. i said my goal with it was to get it done so i could go on to do something else... i thought it would be of mutual benefit to have a timely completion for the department. if students think they can get through arts degrees in a timely way and go on to other things... other occupations even... then that should be good for the university
?
i guess it would make it apparent that the university doesn't have the people to support that.
they'd rather herd them through thousands at a time giving the highest grades to the ones who suck up the most / to a certain proportion of those with brown sounding names out of equity and so on...
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