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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tygereyes on April 17, 2005, at 22:10:27
Briefly, my story:
Became anorexic at 15. Nearly died. Slowly gained weight, with the help of my dad (who basically implemented a forced recovery state for me: cooking for me and choosing the meals I ate, not allowing me to go to the bathroom for four hours after a meal, doing room searches for laxatives and diet pills, forced weigh-ins, etc.) Became heavily bulimic at this time. Gradually it phased out.
Then I used anorexia and bulimia as coping mechanisms for years, occasionally starving or purging in response to stress, but never went fully back.
At eighteen, got addicted to drugs, weight dropped significantly. I liked it so much and would purposefully use even more to prevent hunger. Went to rehab, gained weight. During various relapses, my weight would drop and then go back up.
But even during my times of "recovery," I still craved emaciation. I still dreamed about it, still wanted it. Constantly hated my body and never accepted it at a higher weight (even though my highest all time weight was still a few pounds under the recommended weight for my height).
Then last year (age twenty-one), I started REALLY relapsing again. I didn't get as low as I was when I was fifteen, which is why my psychiatrist's and family's concern seemed so ridiculous to me. I was forced into the hospital, an ED unit.
In order to return to school, my college made me sign a weight contract. I have been remaining slightly over or under the lowest allotted number all semester and counting down the days until graduation so I can lose weight. I have NO motivation to stay at this weight and I DON'T think I was as sick as everyone said I was when I went to the hospital.
My question is: for those of you who consider yourselves "in recovery," how do you fight against the urges to go back? I feel like those urges will always be with me (and from what I've read about recovering anorectics, this is a realistic statement) and that I won't be able to fight against them even when I do want to get better.
The only motivation I have is that I'm pre-med and want to be a psychiatrist one day, and I'm very aware that I can't be an anorexic psychiatrist. But sometimes even that, even the only thing in the world that means anything to me, isn't even enough.
Kat
Posted by Racer on April 19, 2005, at 17:45:43
In reply to How do you stop yourself from going back?, posted by tygereyes on April 17, 2005, at 22:10:27
The short answer? I don't know.
I'm twice your age, and have been in recovery now since November. It's not so much two steps forward, once step back -- more like a very complicated choreographed routine. Some days I'm kinda OK about my body, other days I'm not.
Those 12 step, you're always in recovery, but never recovered models don't ring true for me, though. I do believe that you can recover fully. And then be an EX-anorexic.
Are you now or have you been in therapy for this? Do you know what the underlying issues are for you? What it is that being thin means to you?
Knowing those things might help.
Good luck.
Posted by maura on July 27, 2005, at 3:34:05
In reply to How do you stop yourself from going back?, posted by tygereyes on April 17, 2005, at 22:10:27
you're pre-med, I'm in dietetics. It is not a pleasant thing to be sitting in a physiology class and learning about the degeneration of your own body. My history is very similar to yours. At 15, I was a textbook anoretic, sparsely ate anyhting at all, kept close tabs, and was completely obsessed with emaciation, in a completely aesthetic sense. At the same time, I developed an interest in health sciences, and so wanted my body to be 'healthy'. It causes quite the struggle, and this never fully goes away.
I thought I had beat it, have beeen trying to 'recover', but if I remember correctly, even during some of my worst episodes, of lowest weights, I'd also be claiming to be in 'recovery', and 'trying to regain health'.Part of recovery is becoming comfortable with a healthy body. It becomes really difficult to get to that point when you've been battling AN for enough years. What usually ends up happening, it seems, is that people, out of reason, sacrifice their passionate want and need for emaciation, in exchange for life, or preservation of the self/the body. It's something that will be fought every day. Even in my times when I seemed to be fully recuperated, my paintings and drawings always were of emaciated characters. I think it's just a choice you have to make every day, that life (at least one free of the debilitating effects of starvation) is more important than this apparent appearance of beauty or thinness.
This unfortuantely, is a really rational way of recovery, and maybe that's why it hasn't worked for me. When you're at a low point in your life, you're not going to think rationally, and may tend to fall into the comfortable behaviours of starvation, without even knowing that your using it as a coping strategy.
I may sound a little despairing. And I apologize for that. I have recently found myself relapsed and am not happy about it. It's actually caught me by surprise.
What I can tell you is that it is very challenging to overcome the urge to go back, and to feel comfortable in your skin again. Something that helped me stay 'recovered' for some time, was just regularly reminding myself of my tendency, and this addiction to weightloss, and that I am no longer me when the episode takes over. It becomes a cliche situation of you being your own worst enemy. I, then seperated my anoretic self from me, and began to distrust those thoughts and urges. I am really me, when my body is fed, when my mind is nurtured.In my babble at 4 30 am, I think all I meant to say is that it's just a daily battle, which is easier some days than others.
This is the end of the thread.
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