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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by inthegloaming on November 30, 2004, at 20:03:22
dear babblers,
::deep breath:::
so i'm starting to face facts, i mean REALLY face facts, about my weight.
so.
i'm fat.
not like super duper huge fat, but fat enough.
it started when my mother died--i mean really REALLY started. i think, if i'm truly honest, i was porking up before then, but had my mother not suddenly passed away, i don't think it would have been so bad. anyway, i started to 'comfort eat' as they call it and ballooned out. i was nine and weird looking and i hated myself very, very intensely.
when i was eleven, i dropped some weight. i was very afraid of food and afraid that anything i ate would make me vomit--a phobia that also started after my mother died. i would get so afraid that i'd shake with nervousness and panic. but i lost weight.
so high school and college come around and i... gain a lot of it back again. slowly, but surely.
so...
::deep breath:: this feels like AA...
I'M FAT.
fat enough so that i hate every inch of my body and hate to feel any of it touching clothing, especially waistbands. i have ugly pink stretch marks on my stomach and arms and they make me feel awful. i hate to see myself naked, hate to BE naked and hate looking in mirrors.
wow... this is more than i've said about this EVER... and i'm working to change it. lower calorie diets, etc. etc. i mean i'm basically healthy, but want to get in shape more than anything at all.
so.... yeah.
i'm going to stop for now.
thanks for listening
Posted by saw on December 1, 2004, at 1:00:36
In reply to weight story--a confession--may trigger, posted by inthegloaming on November 30, 2004, at 20:03:22
I am very moved by your post. I feel EXACTLY like this. I have gained so much weight from medication coupled with binge eating one week and starvation the next. My self image and self love are totally destroyed.
I exercise and eat a healthy balanced diet. Hell, I even force 10 to 15 glasses of water down every day. Yet I get bigger and more wobbly by the day.
One thing that stood out in your post was "waistbands". They have become a demon to me. I can still squeeze into a size 10, but today I am wearing a maternity dress.
I really understand and sympathize with you. What we are feeling is so soul destroying.
I am glad that you were able to talk about it.
Sabrina
Posted by inthegloaming on December 1, 2004, at 13:21:08
In reply to Re: weight story--a confession--may trigger » inthegloaming, posted by saw on December 1, 2004, at 1:00:36
hey sabrina,
thanks for writing back.
yeah, waistbands are the devil. they just remind me of my body when i want so badly to forget.
that's why, i think, i love things like surfing and bodyboarding and just water in general. there you are, out on a board in the middle of the clear blue ocean, nothing around you but other friendly beachfolk... it doesn't matter who you are or what you are, the ocean doesn't care...
it's so hard to be healthy in college. i'm doing ok i think. i keep looking at pictures of myself that people have taken and hating them with a passion but it feels kind of good. at least i'm looking at them. at least i'm facing things. at least this horrid denial-ness is slipping away.
thanks again.
--g
Posted by Poet on December 2, 2004, at 1:40:53
In reply to reply to saw, posted by inthegloaming on December 1, 2004, at 13:21:08
Hi inthegloaming,
I'm not near an ocean, but I take a water aerobics class where no one cares what size you are. Many in the class are overweight, including the instructor. No body pays attention to body size, we're too busy trying to follow the workout.
In the locker room some of the women take nude showers. That can be kind of funny *hey, I didn't know you had a tattoo on your butt. Nobody comments on the size of the butt, just the tattoo.
I'm glad we both found water activities which we like and body size isn't an issue.
Poet
Posted by trucker on December 10, 2004, at 11:46:46
In reply to Re: weight story--a confession--may trigger » inthegloaming, posted by saw on December 1, 2004, at 1:00:36
hey saw!! "LITTLE ONE" i am in a size 28W.. i use to be in a size 9.. then i got pregnant and my son was born dead.. i gained 135 LBS in about 6 months flat.. my life fell to complete destruction. this has continued for 5 years. 2 1/2 i don't remember .. just the grief. i haven't the heart to try to loose at this point. too much stress and discord to have the strength. i tried to fill that EMPTY SPOT, to subdo the pain, of the EMPTY ARMS, and the pain in my heart. (no one should have to barry their future).any way i can't seem to try to loose at this point to many things are about to change. like house, life, area where i live. i may move to another state. and everything is in limbo.. only thing i can say is take time for yourself. make time for yourself. and i hope you have more support than i have had in the past and have now. i went thru the whole loss of son and the after math ALONE.. no one helped me. 2 years later i could no longer funtion and i began the zoloft. no one came to visit me etc.. my mother told me i killed my son.. and a bunch of other hurtful things and she lied to the rest of my siblings and so they didn't even want to talk to me until i forgave mother.. well i wasn't woman enough to do that then.. it took a couple years. i live in my husband state, not my home state.
trucker
/////////////////////////////////////////////// > I am very moved by your post. I feel EXACTLY like this. I have gained so much weight from medication coupled with binge eating one week and starvation the next. My self image and self love are totally destroyed.
>
> I exercise and eat a healthy balanced diet. Hell, I even force 10 to 15 glasses of water down every day. Yet I get bigger and more wobbly by the day.
>
> One thing that stood out in your post was "waistbands". They have become a demon to me. I can still squeeze into a size 10, but today I am wearing a maternity dress.
>
> I really understand and sympathize with you. What we are feeling is so soul destroying.
>
> I am glad that you were able to talk about it.
>
> Sabrina
Posted by trucker on December 10, 2004, at 11:54:40
In reply to Re: weight story--a confession--may trigger, posted by trucker on December 10, 2004, at 11:46:46
i walk a mile every day and i use to work out on the gym equipment i have but i have lost the desire to even try.. i am off lexapro and back to zoloft.. not the right dose though. hopefully something will give and i will desire to try again.. tired of having the carpet puled out from under me so to speak. my T doesn't know i have changed.. hope she doesn't mind.
trucker
Posted by DustBuster on December 20, 2004, at 18:20:03
In reply to weight story--a confession--may trigger, posted by inthegloaming on November 30, 2004, at 20:03:22
Weight is a tough problem to deal with. I too have been "big", okay FAT, since about 10. Not sure yet exactly what started it all, but I have realized on my own that stress contributes to my problem quite a bit. Every time I have started a new job, I've gained 60 lbs within six months. I lose weight inbetween, but right now, I weigh 320 (down from 350 in July), so I'm not real eager to go back to work right away.
My new T wants me to start seeing a nutritional specialist, to help me get my eating under control, and reach my target weight (ideally 150, but anything under 200 would feel great). A lot of my physical health issues are caused by my weight (borderline diabetic, arthritis in my knees). Several times, I've been able to control myself for up to a year, and lose significant amounts of weight (up to 50 lbs). But eventually, things get stressful again, and I always "give up" and start eating anything I want again.
Another thing T2 told me last week, was that I gained weight in response to anxiety, using my excess weight as a way to distance myself from other people. It seems obvious to me now, I don't know why I never saw this myself. I guess that's why I pay him!
This time, though, I am also quitting beer. That should help (as well as eliminate the guilt of driving home drunk). It seems that lately, after an afternoon at the local bar, I go grocery shopping, and coming home with all sorts of comfort food, which I'm too practical to throw out. I've quit drinking in the past too (once, for 6 yrs), so I know the first year will be the hardest. Right now, going to the bar is the only activity I been doing that gets me out of the house and talking to other people (besides the T). Maybe I *should* work harder on getting a new job, just so I don't sit at home alone all week long.
Good Luck!
Patrick
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