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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on November 1, 2005, at 7:40:17
I really want to move and never experience another hurricane like this again.
One of the major things that's stopping me is that I worry about my son. We've found a wonderful school for him that shelters him from a lot of the unkindness that children heap on one another. He has a circle of friends there, and not many people who torment him.
He's at another school right now, and I'm reminded how important those qualities are for him. Honestly, he's not very resilient, and he's somewhat lacking in social skills despite our best efforts. Sigh. Just like his mom. He's miserable right now. I guess that if he were there longer he'd make a circle of friends and be less unhappy, but I'm not sure. He has some qualities that make him vulnerable to the less kind children of the world. And there are some things he does that we can't seem to convince him aren't guaranteed to win friends.
I hate the idea of uprooting him from the nest I so carefully made for him and tossing him out into the big world.
I also am remembering that he's almost at the age I was when I fell apart. And while there was more than school involved in my breakdown, a change of school and becoming my new school's designated picked on kid played a large part of it.
Maybe it's worth staying here until he graduates, and taking the risk that this could happen again and that next time we might not be so "lucky" and lose a significant portion of our net worth and personal belongings.
Posted by Dinah on November 1, 2005, at 7:41:58
In reply to Is it fair to move my son?, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2005, at 7:40:17
I guess I should mention that he's nine, and he'd be ten when we moved if we decide to do that. And that I was ten and a half at the start of my disintigration.
Posted by antigua on November 3, 2005, at 8:01:03
In reply to Re: Is it fair to move my son?, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2005, at 7:41:58
This is such a hard one, Dinah. I'm not sure if I understand correctly. Are you trying to get him back into the school he was in before the hurricane, or is this a whole other move that can't be helped? I'm really interested.
I just went through a whole therapy nightmare that really had me connected to my past because my daughter is approaching the age (next week) when some very tough things happened to me. I know it's not coincidental that this would come up now, I know way too much about how our minds work.
In any case, are you projecting onto your son or do the facts back you up? IMO, stability w/kids is one of the most important things and as he moves to the unsteadier phases of puberty, the more stable you can help him make his world, the better off he will be. You want to help so much, but keep a critical "Mom" eye on it as well. You certainly may not be projecting, and for me, that's when I have to be careful. To know that something really is there and I'm not just putting myself into it.
You're doing a great job with him, Dinah.
best,
antigua
Posted by rainbowbrite on November 3, 2005, at 8:35:22
In reply to Is it fair to move my son?, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2005, at 7:40:17
Im not sure I understood exactly, has he been at that otehr school for long? If not I think i would wait until he has had more success there and built some confidence. Then going to a new school may be easier. There are more schools like you described you just have to find them. not always easy but they are there. 10 is an iffy age to move IMO. I think its better when they get a little older, maybe 12. Have you talked to him about it? what does he think? Or maybe move when he has to transition into middle school, I forget how old you are then... I think its 12.
thats a hard decision
Posted by rainbowbrite on November 3, 2005, at 8:36:47
In reply to Re: Is it fair to move my son?, posted by rainbowbrite on November 3, 2005, at 8:35:22
transitioning to the next stage ion school be new no matter what.
Posted by Dinah on November 3, 2005, at 8:40:51
In reply to Re: Is it fair to move my son?, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2005, at 7:41:58
He's in a temporary school right now till his regular school reopens.
But we're giving serious consideration to the idea of moving somewhere where hurricanes don't have a major impact, and if we do, he'll have to start over in a new school.
There is plenty of evidence that he has a hard time making friends in new situations. To some extent it's because of his personality, such that he does better with adults than children. But he's also got a few not so great social skills. We're going to try to work on that no matter where he goes.
I really hate to unroot him and place him in a situation where it will take a fair amount of time for him to develop a network of friends. And that's probably especially true because of my own experiences. True, I certainly hope that I'm a better parent than either of mine, and more sensitive to his distress. But in some ways he's even more vulnerable than I was.
Right now we're leaning towards deciding we can't do it, and that we're stuck here for at least another eight hurricane seasons.
Posted by Dinah on November 3, 2005, at 8:43:14
In reply to because, posted by rainbowbrite on November 3, 2005, at 8:36:47
We have him in a K-12 program right now. And I did that precisely so that he wouldn't have those transitions that are so painful. So now I'm considering doing exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't do. Just so we won't have to worry about hurricanes. I'm not sure it's fair to him.
Posted by rainbowbrite on November 3, 2005, at 12:15:08
In reply to Re: because » rainbowbrite, posted by Dinah on November 3, 2005, at 8:43:14
oh ok. that was a good plan. can you find another school like that? See what he thinks of the idea. I also think it depends on how much the child understands, you knwo like is he immature for his age or mature. if he is mature for his age i would worry less about it. For some reason i recall you saying something aobut his maturity? Anyway I wouldnt beat yourself up about it, you are trying to do what is best for all of you. Maybe you could do a slow transition to the new place and let him go to the new school a few times to get a feel for it.
Posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 16:22:13
In reply to Re: because » Dinah, posted by rainbowbrite on November 3, 2005, at 12:15:08
In an effort to be a perfect mother I decided that no, my kids would NOT move from school to school, like I did, and have to feel like vagabonds, always having to make new friends and adjusting, etc. Well, it hasn't actually turned out the way I'd hoped, but it does make me laugh. The whole plan backfired, at least in one sense. They are afraid of change, especially moving, etc., so my older son, for ex, had major troubles making the transition to his new school because he didn't know how to experience the change!
I'm over it now, but it is funny. We do what we think is right, and in this case, I have a whole other problem. I'm not complaining. I wanted the stability.
antigua
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2005, at 20:03:58
In reply to Re: because » Dinah, posted by rainbowbrite on November 3, 2005, at 12:15:08
Someone suggested that I go about it in the opposite direction - look for a school first. Which isn't a bad idea, since that's the most important thing in our family for the next nine years. We've got a responsibility to turn out as well adjusted child as we can.
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2005, at 20:06:17
In reply to another thing, posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 16:22:13
I guess no matter what we do, there are negative consequences that they can use twenty years from now when they're talking to their shrinks. :)
I like stability too.
My mother was a teacher, and although we didn't physically move, I changed schools along with her as she moved up the ranks until I got to middle school. But middle school is where disaster struck. I guess that's normal for girls. I hope not boys.
Posted by cricket on November 7, 2005, at 11:24:31
In reply to Is it fair to move my son?, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2005, at 7:40:17
I guess that I would go about as you suggest. Look for a school first and then make plans around that. You will stay in the private independent world, I assume. I am sure there is tons of stuff on the web. Lots of these schools (my son's elementary school was certainly one) emphasize respect for peers and differences. I mean geez with that kind of tuition it's the least a parent can ask.
Right now I am looking for a school for my son because he goes to HS next year and in the area where I am it is h*ll to say the least. Student interviews, parent interviews, parents statements, essays, admissions tests, teacher recommendations. All of this in an atmosphere of cut throat competition, tons of stress on the kids, snubbing by any parents who find out you are applying to the same schools they are.
My son seems to be handling it. At times better than I do. And there is something to be said for changing schools at least once. As my son said to me when we went to an Open House and I commented that it didn't seem a particularly good fit for him because the school emphasized things that he didn't like - lots of homework for example, he said, "but this is my opportunity to change." So that's one point.
Right now it's not our choice at all. It's the prospective school's choice. Hopefully in the spring we'll find we have a couple of choices but there's no guarantee.
Aaargh. It's never easy no matter how you look at it.
Have you tried the NAIS for some information?
Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2005, at 17:24:32
In reply to Re: Is it fair to move my son? » Dinah, posted by cricket on November 7, 2005, at 11:24:31
Sounds awful! I'm not sure the competition is that stiff here. Of course, our competition was at age 4, and the kids weren't aware of it at all. We just told him we were visiting places to play fun games. :)
I'll have to keep that in mind when moving.
I've checked out the NAIS and the SAIS, since we don't have any real plans to move out of the Southeast. I haven't gotten really serious about it though. It kind of seems that the websites, and the choices of phrases on the websites, can give you a decent idea whether the educational philosophy meshes with yours. But perhaps I'm wrong there. I really wish I could send him to a K-12 Montessori school, but the Montessori association website didn't seem to have too many of those.
My husband keeps saying that if we move to someplace with good public schools, that my son will be going to public school. And I guess that might be ok. Some of the happiest school years of my life were in public school.
It is such a hard decision, because I know personally how much difference being unhappy in school can make to a kid. I don't want that for him.
If only I was sure those blasted levees would hold up another ten years. :) It's funny, because his school was never one I had given too much consideration to, and then found that they were almost a perfect match with my educational ideals. My husband is less enamored, but his feelings about schooling aren't as strong as mine are. I think he'd prefer a more competitive environment, and he occasionally makes noises about only letting him attend this school through the elementary grades.
Sigh. Kids should come with instruction manuals.
Posted by cricket on November 9, 2005, at 9:49:05
In reply to Re: Is it fair to move my son? » cricket, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2005, at 17:24:32
It is an incredibly important decision. I hope it all works out for your family.
Posted by Bobby on November 12, 2005, at 20:40:26
In reply to Is it fair to move my son?, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2005, at 7:40:17
It's up to you, but I moved 33 times when I was growing up. it helped me to adjust well and experience many things that most kids never experience. I think a stable home is the key. I'm sure you have that covered. Personally. I don't favor raising a child in New orleans---i lived there. Good luck on your choice Dinah
Posted by Dinah on November 16, 2005, at 17:18:37
In reply to Re: Is it fair to move my son? » Dinah, posted by Bobby on November 12, 2005, at 20:40:26
I think there are a lot of individual differences in how kids react to moving a lot. We didn't physically move a lot, but I changed schools a lot since I followed my mother from one school to another (she was a teacher). It wasn't a positive for me. :)
I'm glad it was for you, though.
This is the end of the thread.
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