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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on May 14, 2005, at 14:26:26
Who's nearly been all the way through it?
Who's just at the beginning?
Kids are all so different, and parenting styles are too.
What is your kid(s) like as a son/daughter? What sort of parent do you like to think you are? (friend, authority figure, etc.) What sort are you really.
I have one son, aged nine. He's a sensitive spaniel of a boy. Definitely not a terrier. He feels things really deeply, but rarely expresses them. Our challenge with him is to let him be a kid. We're delighted when he's naughty.
I think of myself as a by the books Montessori mother. I knew I wanted to be a different sort of parent than my own parents, so I read all the books I could read. My husband used to say that he could see me mentally turning the pages of the book to the appropriate topic.
My discipline is almost purely natural consequences and just talking to my son about why something is right or wrong. He's got a pretty strong sense of right and wrong himself, and little else is generally needed.
Where I probably could use a bit of work as a parent is being more parental. The thing I brought from my parents to my own parenting is probably not being clear enough on the separation of generations, and being a bit too much like a buddy. I think that's an easy trap to fall into with an only child. It's all too easy to think of the child as an extra member of the family.
Posted by Minnie-Haha on May 15, 2005, at 15:09:33
In reply to What ages are our kids?, posted by Dinah on May 14, 2005, at 14:26:26
> Who's nearly been all the way through it?
> Who's just at the beginning?My grown son, from my first marriage, is 26. He's in the Army National Guard and will be sent to Iraq in 2-4 months. (Gulp.) My other son is only 11. I was almost to the finish line with Steve: He was 15 when Joe was born.
> Kids are all so different, and parenting styles are too. What is your kid(s) like as a son/daughter? What sort of parent do you like to think you are? (friend, authority figure, etc.) What sort are you really?These are good questions. I was only 20 when I had S. and our relationship was much different. There were things about it I liked, and things about it I'd change if I could go back. I liked that I was young and full of energy and enthusiasm and creativity. He was only 4 when his dad and I divorced, and I was a single mom for 9 years before I remarried. I was poor, so we got by on a little, but we did so much! Walks to the park, the library, hiking, camping. But I was still immature when he was a kid and I wish I could change that. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. There wasn't a lot of kindness and sympathy. There was A LOT of teasing and impatience. So I used to tease and be impatient with S. a lot -- because I didn't know better! (The teasing was mostly in good fun, but I didn't understand then that little kids don't get teasing.) Looking back now, I also think he had an unidentified LD, but I didn't know to ask the school for an evaluation. I just thought he was lazy. (That's what my parents would have thought.) He really had more of big sister in me than a mom. At least in the early years. But we are very close nonetheless, and we talk a lot.
I was 35 when I had son #2. Older and definitely wiser. I have a good relationship with his dad, and J's got the benefit of a good man in the house. (My first husband was such a flake.) But the second pregnancy was much harder on me than the first. (Both ended with C-sections.) I miss that I don't have such an active relationship with J. We do go to the park and hike and camp, but maybe one-tenth as often. And when he started having behavior problems in school, I knew to have him evaluated. We found out he's highly gifted with a speech-language impairment in the social use of language. (Almost like Asperger's Syndrome.) So now he gets the support and therapy he needs.
> I have one son, aged nine. He's a sensitive spaniel of a boy. Definitely not a terrier. He feels things really deeply, but rarely expresses them. Our challenge with him is to let him be a kid. We're delighted when he's naughty.Yes! J. never gives us any crap. His disordered behaviors are *internal*. I worry that when he does really start testing us -- if he ever does -- he's going to be a 6-foot teenager.
> ... He's got a pretty strong sense of right and wrong...Yes again. Both of my sons are this way, though S. needed more discipline than J.
> Where I probably could use a bit of work as a parent is being more parental. The thing I brought from my parents to my own parenting is probably not being clear enough on the separation of generations, and being a bit too much like a buddy. I think that's an easy trap to fall into with an only child...
Because there are so many years between my sons, it's almost like I raised two only children. There are definitely up sides and down sides to having only children.
Posted by Annierose on May 18, 2005, at 20:27:36
In reply to Re: What ages are our kids?, posted by Minnie-Haha on May 15, 2005, at 15:09:33
I have two children. My daughter is 11, and she is a fireball. At times, my only wish for her is just to take a deep breath and relax. She worries about anything and everything. After struggling with her since birth, I finally got her a therapist :) and life is more tolerable. She wants to quit therapy, and I say, the T is staying around until she is through with puberty!
My son is 6. He has a gentle soul and an engaging personality. Everyone loves him. This quality drives his sister NUTS!! He adores his sister, that also drives her crazy. I just love this little guy and I love being his mom.
Both kids are tuned in to the world. We talk about all issues at the dinner table, and no subject is taboo. And my daughter, has an opinion on everything. She is going away to camp this summer for the first time, one week. This house will be at peace.
Posted by Dinah on May 22, 2005, at 8:37:57
In reply to Re: What ages are our kids?, posted by Minnie-Haha on May 15, 2005, at 15:09:33
It sounds like in the end, even though you were different as a parent with both of them, they both are growing (have grown) into fine young men.
Wow. I couldn't imagine starting it all over when I was almost through. Thank heavens for vasectomies. :) I thoroughly enjoy my one and only, but my son would be a very hard act for a younger sibling to follow.
Posted by Dinah on May 22, 2005, at 8:42:35
In reply to Re: What ages are our kids?, posted by Annierose on May 18, 2005, at 20:27:36
Chuckle. It sounds like your daughter is a handful, but one that is also very engaging. My neighbor told me when I was pregnant to hope for a boy. That girls are much bigger challenges growing up.
I tend to think of gender independent temperament variables instead, but maybe there's something to it.
My husband is adamant that my son won't be in therapy long. I'm equally adamant that he'll be in as long as his teachers (especially) and therapist think he's benefitting from it.
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