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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Toph on March 8, 2005, at 15:31:50
My first born, my son, acted out big time as an adolescent. Beaucoup lying, theft from work, drinking, speeding despite multiple tickets, chronic narcissistic pre-occupation with himself, sexual promiscuity and more lying. Other than that he was just perfect.
My daughter is more stoic. She is the one to defend her mom (my ex-wife) though she is repeatedly let down by her. My son had a series of girlfriends while my daughter has had a lone boyfriend (whom I am not fond of) for 4 years. As a child of about 8 she developed a fear that her mother would die (not entirely without basis as her mother became anorexic) so she could not sleep when she visited me. She is doing well in college but she has never acted out much like her brother. All of my conversations with her are superficial. I sometimes feel that she has replaced her family with that of her boyfriend. I kind of feel her slipping away.
There's a saying that it's the quiet ones that you have to look out for. Is this true?
Toph
Posted by AuntieMel on March 9, 2005, at 9:40:53
In reply to Child personality styles, posted by Toph on March 8, 2005, at 15:31:50
There's also a saying that still waters run deep.
Is it possible that the boyfriend and his family have a comfortable familiarity for her? And that when she's with them she doesn't feel pulled in two directions?
I mean, there's no need to defend her mom if no one says anything about her.
Is there any way you can spend some alone time with her? I wouldn't try forcing a conversation, but the best way to get someone beyond superficial is to do it first yourself. Gently, of course, just a little bit about yourself and your hopes for her - that kind of stuff.
Is she away at college? Can you send 'just thinking of you' cards now and then & care packages for finals?
Posted by Laura Collins on March 9, 2005, at 10:00:18
In reply to Re: Child personality styles » Toph, posted by AuntieMel on March 9, 2005, at 9:40:53
A red flag came up for me during your post.
Anorexia is usually passed down genetically, so your daughter's more eager to please personality and emotional distancing could possibly be part of the constellation of behaviors that surround an eating disorder. Just a head's up for you - ED's can be subtle but are treatable if identified and treated early.
Laura Collins
Laura@eatingwithyouranorexic.com
Posted by Toph on March 9, 2005, at 12:06:28
In reply to Re: Child personality styles » Toph, posted by AuntieMel on March 9, 2005, at 9:40:53
> There's also a saying that still waters run deep.
>
That's encouraging. I wish I weren't such a half empty kind of guy.
> Is it possible that the boyfriend and his family have a comfortable familiarity for her? And that when she's with them she doesn't feel pulled in two directions?
>
Yes, she's comfortable but they know shes good for their drop out son. She also fills the void of their deceased daughter. On the other hand, I find them to be decent people. And yes, Sarah has played the mediator role in the past.
> I mean, there's no need to defend her mom if no one says anything about her.
>
We don't discuss her much. Even though we have to cover for her with tuition, etc. I think it is honest to say that we rarely disparage her mother in front of the kids.
> Is there any way you can spend some alone time with her? I wouldn't try forcing a conversation, but the best way to get someone beyond superficial is to do it first yourself. Gently, of course, just a little bit about yourself and your hopes for her - that kind of stuff.
>
I try to take her to dinner every time she visits from school, but we talk a lot about her boyfriend and school. I can't seem to have any deeper discussions and I will accept some of the blame here. My wife is very close with my step-daughter.> Is she away at college? Can you send 'just thinking of you' cards now and then & care packages for finals?
>
You're so sweet. I remember feeling lonely at college.Thanks for responding.
Toph
Posted by Toph on March 9, 2005, at 12:16:45
In reply to Re: Child personality styles, posted by Laura Collins on March 9, 2005, at 10:00:18
> A red flag came up for me during your post.
>
> Anorexia is usually passed down genetically, so your daughter's more eager to please personality and emotional distancing could possibly be part of the constellation of behaviors that surround an eating disorder. Just a head's up for you - ED's can be subtle but are treatable if identified and treated early.
>Here's another red flag, Laura. Sarah's boyfriend's sister died of anorexia 2 years ago, so my daughter was exposed to her mother losing a great deal of weight when depressed when Sarah was young, and then she saw her boyfriend's sister die recently weighing 75 lbs. Sarah is thin and attractive, was on the P*m Pon squad which values physical appearance and I worry that her focus on the outside guards against difficult emotions on the inside.
Toph
Posted by Laura Collins on March 11, 2005, at 9:00:05
In reply to Re: Child personality styles » Laura Collins, posted by Toph on March 9, 2005, at 12:16:45
Toph,
Has she been evaluated by an MD with experience with ED's? Unfortunately, most MD's aren't up to date on symptoms and new research on eating disorders.
One problem is that unlike other disorders, people with ED's often don't want help!
Laura
Posted by Toph on March 11, 2005, at 11:22:06
In reply to Re: Child personality styles, posted by Laura Collins on March 11, 2005, at 9:00:05
Sarah has only seen a doctor for regular check ups and for what I suspect was to obtain birth control (I didn't think I should ask). Anyway, aside from being naturally thin and a picky eater, I don't thing that she shows symptoms that would warrent such a consultation. I will be more vigilant in watching now thanks to your cautious suggestion. Thanks, Laura.
Toph
Posted by AuntieMel on March 11, 2005, at 13:10:43
In reply to Re: Child personality styles » Laura Collins, posted by Toph on March 11, 2005, at 11:22:06
My daughter was rail thin for years (me, too, at that age actually) and school kids were constantly asking her if she was anorexic. Fact is, she was just thin. She ate like a horse, but she had high metabolism and played soccer so she didn't gain.
Now she could afford to lose a few.
Posted by Toph on March 11, 2005, at 17:51:03
In reply to Re: Child personality styles, posted by AuntieMel on March 11, 2005, at 13:10:43
Posted by greenhornet on April 8, 2005, at 20:28:02
In reply to Re: Child personality styles » Laura Collins, posted by Toph on March 11, 2005, at 11:22:06
You didn't think you should ask!!! Holy smokes, you ARE her parent!! ASK -- frequently, and let her know that you expect to be told !
------------
> Sarah has only seen a doctor for regular check ups and for what I suspect was to obtain birth control (I didn't think I should ask). Anyway, aside from being naturally thin and a picky eater, I don't thing that she shows symptoms that would warrent such a consultation. I will be more vigilant in watching now thanks to your cautious suggestion. Thanks, Laura.
>
> Toph
Posted by Toph on April 18, 2005, at 12:57:56
In reply to Re: Child personality styles, posted by greenhornet on April 8, 2005, at 20:28:02
> You didn't think you should ask!!! Holy smokes, you ARE her parent!! ASK -- frequently, and let her know that you expect to be told !
> ------------
Yes, I'm her parent, but she's 21 and as an adult she chooses whether she wants to share these things that I expected to know when she was a child.
Posted by AuntieMel on April 18, 2005, at 14:43:22
In reply to Re: Child personality styles, posted by Toph on April 18, 2005, at 12:57:56
Posted by greenhornet on April 18, 2005, at 19:17:34
In reply to Re: Child personality styles, posted by Toph on April 18, 2005, at 12:57:56
> > You didn't think you should ask!!! Holy smokes, you ARE her parent!! ASK -- frequently, and let her know that you expect to be told !
> > ------------
> Yes, I'm her parent, but she's 21 and as an adult she chooses whether she wants to share these things that I expected to know when she was a child.
You say she is in college? Who is footing the tuition bill? When she is not in school, where does she live?
If she lives with you and you are paying for her education, twenty-one or not, you as her parent have a right/ no a DUTY to know whst is going on. GH
Posted by AuntieMel on April 19, 2005, at 8:59:15
In reply to Re: Child personality styles, posted by greenhornet on April 18, 2005, at 19:17:34
The main thing Toph was wanting to discuss is *lack* of communication and how to fix that.
I would think demanding that type of information from a 21 year old would have the opposite effect as the one he wants.
He could even get himself backed into a corner - by having to withhold tuition money. So the end result could be a non communicating college dropout daughter.
Posted by Toph on April 21, 2005, at 17:12:19
In reply to Re: Child personality styles, posted by greenhornet on April 18, 2005, at 19:17:34
>
> You say she is in college? Who is footing the tuition bill? When she is not in school, where does she live?We assist her with her tuition to help reduce her loans. She lives with us for now when not in school.
> If she lives with you and you are paying for her education, twenty-one or not, you as her parent have a right/ no a DUTY to know whst is going on. GH
>
>
We give her advice and we set rules for our home, but I have no more right to her personal information than I would over my wife if I were the sole provider. I do, as you say, have leverage if I wanted to force information out of her. Thank God she respects us enough from the boundaries we have respected and the respect we have given her that this destructive approach is unnecessary.
This is the end of the thread.
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