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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on February 28, 2005, at 18:26:43
All three of them.
Ages 15, 13, 12
They do not help around the house.
Usually this is because they have homework, (that they could have done before I got home), they are gone to a school function, or they are too busy with the internet, tv, or video games to help.
I ask, I plead, I cajole, and then, last but not least, I yell.
I am too hard on them, so I am told.
No support.
I dread going home. There are dirty dishes piled in both sinks. The kitchen cabinet is filthy. I refuse to step foot into their bedrooms and bathroom for fear of catching a disease or a mouse. The house smells from the filth. And I am just so stinking tired. Working 10 to 12 hour days. It's dark when I leave and it's dark when I arrive home. I have been working on the weekend, and running all my errands on Saturday. I am never home anymore. Oftentimes, they are all sitting there waiting for me to arrive asking me what is for supper.
I tried chore lists.
I tried allowances for chores done.
I tried taking away priveledges and perks such as tv, video games, etc, no friends over, no going to friends house.......nothing works.
Of course I then yell.But I have no control over what is done when I am not there.They take advantage of my not being there and forgeting my behind from a hole in the ground and so they do it anyway.
My husband is way too lenient.
He does their chores for them so I won't get upset, mad, and yell.I am at my wits end.
Work is horifically stressful, yet because of the situation with the kids and my husband (there are other things wrong there)I just don't want to go home. I want to escape.
Ever see the movie "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore" ????? I want that to be me.
I would trade this life for a simpler one in which I dissapear of into the wild blue yonder, become a nobody, change my name, and simply be a waitress in a greasy spoon in a town far far away, where noone knows me and noone cares.
True, I would miss my kids, they would miss me, but what would the miss about me? My money? My motherly duties? My cheuffer skills? WHAT pray tell would they miss??????
I just feel as if they are so very ungrateful.
I know what will be said, I allowed this to happen. And yes, I guess I contributed to the problem by not enforcing my own rules after they were shot down by the other parent in the house. If I had of stood up for myself, I would be as miserable as I am now because I am constantly told how unfit and harsh I am towards them. Can you imagine what it would be like if I really was that???????
Somebody hand me a drink and a nebutol......Mamma needs a hot bath and a foot rub from Emilio or Sven, or Andre`, or someone with nice strong hands and sweet smelling breath............
Posted by AuntieMel on March 1, 2005, at 8:39:22
In reply to My Children are Lazy, posted by AdaGrace on February 28, 2005, at 18:26:43
If what you are doing doesn't work why not change tactics?
It's been my experience that once they reach the teen years yelling at them does no good at all. If anything, they know they scored one on you.
Next time they need a ride, smile sweetly and tell them you are too busy cleaning up the kitchen. And maybe you'll be available another time when there aren't so many other things to do.
Posted by Dinah on March 1, 2005, at 9:47:30
In reply to Re: My Children are Lazy » AdaGrace, posted by AuntieMel on March 1, 2005, at 8:39:22
lol.
Mel, you're a mom after my own heart. We use natural consequences almost exclusively with my son. (OK, I do. Sigh.) Sometimes the fun of thinking up the natural consequences is enough to offset any irritation I have over the behavior. And if done properly, I am not the "bad guy", he doesn't feel shamed or persecuted by his mean old mom. If I'm really good at it, he doesn't even realize he's been disciplined. :)
Posted by Dinah on March 1, 2005, at 9:51:45
In reply to My Children are Lazy, posted by AdaGrace on February 28, 2005, at 18:26:43
Kids are like... well, most people.
If you give them a force to push against, they'll push. If you pull the force away they'll fall if they keep pushing.
If you can, take all the personalities away from the problem at hand. Try not to do anything when you're annoyed, and make the consequences of their behavior as impersonal as possible. Good natured even.
Posted by stresser on March 1, 2005, at 16:17:45
In reply to Re: My Children are Lazy » AdaGrace, posted by Dinah on March 1, 2005, at 9:51:45
My daughter's psychologist told us to take away the one thing that she values that most. He stated, if we don't rip the rug out from under her feet, the world will do it for us when she graduates and goes off to college. We are trying to get her to take responsibility, and it's a chore. I have a 16 year old and a 13 year old. I go to be emotionaly exhausted each night, and hope the next day will be less demanding. Sometimes it is! Just make sure when you take something away, you can live with that, and stick to it. Kids these days have instant gratification, and I know that I haven't done enough to prepare mine for the world that is out there. I love Dinah's advice, I think I will use that! Thanks Dinah. -L
Posted by rainbowbrite on March 2, 2005, at 13:13:05
In reply to My Children are Lazy, posted by AdaGrace on February 28, 2005, at 18:26:43
Just thought Id barge in, Not a mother but rather your children, well metaphorically speaking. Anyway, I still am a slob in my twenties and it is so difficult to beat. For me and this may not apply to your situation but it also may and then maybe my disaster can be of soem use??
So my mom was rigid about cleaning, It was always a fight, ALWAYS! And I was always told I was a mess. But the problem was it wasn't untill teen years that the responsisiblty was put on me. I never learned to pick up after myself EVER. So as ateenager and wanting my space, I banned anyone from touching my room, OK so it stayed a mess. And the kitchen, well I would mess it up just by cleaning it so I didn't even try. Instead of being asked to clean I awas told NOT to make a mess. To me there is an important distinction. Not knowing how to do laudry on your own, sweep the floor and mop, well lets just say its a problem when you get on your own.
So the moral of my story is.....did you start out like my parents in doing everything becasue you wanted it perfect and done quickly? Also do you expect too much? And now that it is as far as it is, can you lower your expectations, I realize you are living in a disatser, but when you ask for help can you ask for less? (just to get the ball moving) Aslo as you know consistentcy is so important, talk to your husband arg! That would make me crazy. If I were in your situation, I would be a mean mother (poor rains kids) I woulod get a lock on the room that has the computer, video games etc and ONLY allow the kids to use it for school purposes. Take away allowance, that should drive them nuts and if your husband cleans up they should still not get it. How long can they go with no money, as a teen I couln't have lasted. I would also remove the TV so they can't watch it and I would STOP cleaning up after them, so I guess thats your husband...hmmmm anyway I hope he starts to get sick of cleaning for your sake and theirs
good luck
rain
sorry if I sound extreme, jsut some thoughts.
Posted by AdaGrace on March 2, 2005, at 14:19:06
In reply to Re: My Children are Lazy » AdaGrace, posted by AuntieMel on March 1, 2005, at 8:39:22
First of all I stopped yelling ALL THE TIME a few years ago. Now I just only yell when I am at my wits end........maybe once or twice a month.
However.......I am simply too exhausted to do the work. I need their help. I have explained the situation time and time again with pleading words......to no avail. I know they need things taken away, and I am doing that....
I guess I really am just hurt that they treat me this way in the first place. Afterall, I have given them everything they now cherish but don't respect.
Posted by AdaGrace on March 2, 2005, at 14:28:12
In reply to Re: My Children are Lazy, posted by stresser on March 1, 2005, at 16:17:45
Oftentimes their punishment is actually a punishment to me. If I tell them they can't go anywhere on the weekend, then my husband and I can't go out. If I take away their electronics, then they sit in their rooms and bounce their basketballs, or something else loud. I don't know, I just sometimes give up and go to bed.
Posted by AdaGrace on March 2, 2005, at 14:28:47
In reply to messy, lazy person here..... » AdaGrace, posted by rainbowbrite on March 2, 2005, at 13:13:05
Trust me they know how to do it.
Posted by just so sad on March 7, 2005, at 13:40:30
In reply to Re: messy, lazy person here..... » rainbowbrite, posted by AdaGrace on March 2, 2005, at 14:28:47
When my almost-19 year old is asked to do something, it's always "yeah, I'll do it later", and we all know how that works out. After trials and tribulations, what I have found is the least stressful for everyone, is post it notes! I post my sons on his computer screen, and my daughter's on the bathroom mirror (ha!) with daily messages - i.e. for my son, a direct command is the only way: No computer until you've walked the dog today! Love Mom :), or for my daughter (15), a gentler: please remember I need you to unload the dishwasher and feed the dog before you watch TV or use the phone. It works and there's NO yelling. Worth a try? Just remember if they don't do chores voluntarily, it is NOT an indication they don't love or respect you, it is simply that teens DO NOT CARE about the chores; they are more worried about fitting in and/or getting good grades and/or the fight they saw at school that day.
Posted by AdaGrace on March 9, 2005, at 9:32:57
In reply to Re: messy, lazy person here....., posted by just so sad on March 7, 2005, at 13:40:30
I guess you are right, in that maybe it isn't about respect or the lack there of. BUT it's so hard to get past that feeling. So hard.
My children take my things, my make-up, my hair brush, my last diet coke in the fridge when they know I bought it just for me. They use all the hot water when they know I have to take a bath. They take my shampoo out of my bathroom because they like it better than the stuff I buy for them. Okay, so I pamper myself, but I know how to use a small amount and they waste shampoo and soap, so why buy the expensive kind for them? Everyday I come home to find something of mine broke, missing, or seriously mistreated. Their games are on the floor, CD strewn about, my computer used and abused, and quite frankly I feel this is dissrespect for me, my belongings, and their own belongings for that matter. There is nothing like getting in the tup and finding out your shampoo, your soap, your razer, etc are nowhere to be found. I have constantly asked for them to please return the items they borrow, but to no avail.
How do you teach a child to respect others as well as their own property???????
We are not talking only about not doing their chores, we are talking about the way they keep themselves, their rooms, their possessions......
Oh My I don't know what to do, I think I have given up.
Posted by AuntieMel on March 9, 2005, at 11:36:47
In reply to Re: messy, lazy person here..... » just so sad, posted by AdaGrace on March 9, 2005, at 9:32:57
My daughter liked my stuff so well she uses mine.
Well - at least the stuff doesn't disappear any more.
Posted by just so sad on March 9, 2005, at 23:56:35
In reply to Re: messy, lazy person here..... » just so sad, posted by AdaGrace on March 9, 2005, at 9:32:57
I know how frustrating it is - my daughter borrows my stuff all the time and forgets to return it - but I think that's the key - she FORGETS because their brains are focused on them and not us, and our brains are focused on them and not us, so they are spoilt...but I think that's just the way it is and try to think 5 or 10 years down the road, when we never hear from or see them for months on end...I think we will miss them and I can imagine sitting in the tub with bubble bath, soap, shampoo, and razor all right there where I left them, and wishing that I had someone there who liked my stuff better than their own...but some days it's hard, I know, trust me.
Posted by greenhornet on April 8, 2005, at 20:18:56
In reply to Re: messy, lazy person here..... » just so sad, posted by AdaGrace on March 9, 2005, at 9:32:57
> I guess you are right, in that maybe it isn't about respect or the lack there of. BUT it's so hard to get past that feeling. So hard.
>
> My children take my things, my make-up, my hair brush, my last diet coke in the fridge when they know I bought it just for me. They use all the hot water when they know I have to take a bath. They take my shampoo out of my bathroom because they like it better than the stuff I buy for them. Okay, so I pamper myself, but I know how to use a small amount and they waste shampoo and soap, so why buy the expensive kind for them? Everyday I come home to find something of mine broke, missing, or seriously mistreated. Their games are on the floor, CD strewn about, my computer used and abused, and quite frankly I feel this is dissrespect for me, my belongings, and their own belongings for that matter. There is nothing like getting in the tup and finding out your shampoo, your soap, your razer, etc are nowhere to be found. I have constantly asked for them to please return the items they borrow, but to no avail.
>
> How do you teach a child to respect others as well as their own property???????
>
> We are not talking only about not doing their chores, we are talking about the way they keep themselves, their rooms, their possessions......
>
> Oh My I don't know what to do, I think I have given up.-------------------------------------------
Put a lock on the door where you keep your things. Take the basketball away -- no ball, no bounce.
We taught our sons to ASK, not just take, or borrow or eat anything they choose - this included asking siblings also, but ESPECIALLY parents
Posted by justyourlaugh on June 8, 2005, at 0:00:32
In reply to My Children are Lazy, posted by AdaGrace on February 28, 2005, at 18:26:43
have 5 ..oldest 14..baby 6 ..
i only leave the house 2 drive the kids to lessons or groceries..
dishes always in the sink...laundry piles(that is a lie...laundry everywhere)..right now there is 12 pairs of shoes by the front door...white kitchen floor is gray..(cant anyone remove their shoes!..oh my its me..i do not wear them)
i would love a clean house !
kids would love clean rooms!
friends are not allowed in rooms...because of the mess(because i need to supervise)..i only do laundry that is by the washing machine(less is best) i only clean a toilettes when ball and chain pleads...(turns him on when i smell like bleech)..i would rather suck the dirt off the carpet with my lips than halling out the vacuum..
relax..cleanliness is an illusion..close your eyes! poof..simpsons is on again!
j
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