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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2012, at 4:03:37
oh yeah. writing went away. i forgot.
most of the time i feel like stabbing my eyes with something sharp.
somehow or other i ended up at a vocational college learning how to be a personal trainer. except we don't do much learning. and i can't run or jump really.
i'm quite the behavior problem.
at first i was like 'this is so high school'. but now i see that the problem is that it is primary school really.
i was gifted. am, i suppose. that is it. that is a huge part of the whole 'what is wrong with me' thing.
i guess that is something that i got in the whole philosophy thing...
now...
the world treats me like i'm stupid.
because... they aren't the smartest, i guess.
it is bizzarre.
very f*ck*d up.
i gotta get outta here.
but, uh, where to next?
i still don't know...
what the f*ck i want to do with my life...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2012, at 4:07:23
In reply to .., posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2012, at 4:03:37
because they don't offer anything vaguely like exercise science at the uni here and i really can't face another relocation...
and i don't think i can study anymore anyways... student loan runs out eventually...
so what am i gonna do?
i could teach it maybe i guess...
but i don't know how much i'd like that or how much the novelty would wear off...
i don't know what i want to do with myself...
i wanted to have a go at being in a lab... i think.
maybe.
perhaps.
i don't know.
perhaps not. i really don't know.
maybe i just stay unemployed. a little reading. a little training. i don't know. why is the world so stupid? i don't understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2012, at 4:08:36
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2012, at 4:07:23
and for kinesthetic learners...
they really just stand around talking.
i'm suspicious...
i don't think they learn 'different' at all...
i don't see 'em learning.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2012, at 4:11:06
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2012, at 4:08:36
and it is a bit of a cycle really.
people rise (or fall) to meet your expectations.
if you crap on about nothing for the first 20 minutes then people come to learn this and they don't bother showing up for the first 20 minutes.
but of course some were late in the first place which had something to do with why you are cr*pp*ng on about nothing...a bit of a cycle really.
but it is the teachers job to snap things out of it.
i swear i'm losing braincells on a daily basis...
oh dear god.
what have i done??
Posted by Deneb on September 3, 2012, at 14:58:45
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2012, at 4:11:06
Hey Alex!
Good to see you again! I tried emailing you but you never responded.
Sorry about your frustrations with life.
Have you thought about maybe writting a book? That would give you the mental stimulation you need and you can do it at your own pace.
I'm kind of in a limbo too right now, still doing surveys.
I'm thinking of going to college to take something practical.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:14:12
In reply to Re: .. » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on September 3, 2012, at 14:58:45
> Hey Alex!
>
> Good to see you again! I tried emailing you but you never responded.
>
> Sorry about your frustrations with life.
>
> Have you thought about maybe writting a book? That would give you the mental stimulation you need and you can do it at your own pace.
>
> I'm kind of in a limbo too right now, still doing surveys.
>
> I'm thinking of going to college to take something practical.
>
>hi! i mustn't have got your email. i don't check that account much anymore. i could write a book... otherwise known as `thesis'. i've been ignoring it this past year. it is tempting me again... actually, no, not really. but i need to do a little something something. writing for publication would actually be a better idea. people care more about those than they do about theses, i think.
practical stuff is good. i do honestly believe that there are different kinds of intelligences etc etc. but that often that is used as an excuse for stupid.
i feel ambivalent...
on the one hand i'm thinking that most of these vocational people really aren't half as dumb as they and their teachers seem to think... but on the other hand they do seem pretty dumb sometimes and so i get why the teachers treat them like they are dumb...
and you have yourself a vicious cycle.
there are things they could do to help them out more. teach them *how* to study - we got a lot of that at uni and even more important to teach it at tech i would have thought. ditto for clarity of information that is presented. the tutors don't make it easy for the students...
on the other hand i don't give a sh*t anymore.
hrm.
if a job comes up i'll apply for it...
whatever.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:22:09
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:14:12
early me...
early me on these boards...
would look at me now in horror. i'm the absolute worst case scenario. what has happened to my life / what i've done with my life is the worst fear that i had and all...
but you know what?
it ain't that bad. not really.
i got sick of teaching philosophy (so abstract and no relation to anything that really f*ck*ng matters at all) to privileged people who actually aren't so very privileged insofar as they really didn't have any kind of handle on the things that f*ck*ng matter...
and well actually it wasn't so very bad really. only that there has gotta be more to life...
and now i'm keeping it real. hanging with the bros. the people for whom family is important. people who have a sense of life being about fun and play really. and there is something they have... a relaxed aspect...
or maybe they are just f*ck*ng high. maybe there are seditives in the water supply... maybe they are so f*ck*ng relaxed because they really don't give a sh*t about anything. maybe they are so family and community oriented because this is f*ck*ng third world, really...
argh.
but mixing it up...
keeping it real...i don't regret it i suppose.
i'm a weirdo freak here, of course. but then i'm a weirdo freak everywhere. and when you have nothing you have nothing to lose.
my life is alright really.
i'm free.
and that is a nice place to be.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:27:16
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:22:09
and i'm still cured.
there is that, i suppose.
i would like a job sometimes. something that makes me feel productive. like i'm contributing positively to society.
but maybe there isn't any such thing.
i applied to med school. got shortlisted. didn't get in. because of the math now, i realize. because of the math. i couldn't have done it.
i'm learning anatomy...
physiology. kicked *ss at physiology, actually. guess it's because it ain't nothing compared to neuroscience...
learning a lot on my own. would like to be a physical therapist but for the whole i can't really study anymore after this year thing... and i don't know that we have that course anyways...would like to be a physiotherapist but for the math.
oh wells.
if i could do the math i'm sure there would be something else with some other problem.
i feel sad that i feel like i'm wasted somehow. i must have good useful skills - right? i mean i'm kinda smart and i've spent a lot of time working hard on stuff. and a lot of time working hard with a passionate intense focus. i must have stuff that is good for society - right? why can't i get a job using some of that?
but i don't know what it is good for... and the stuff i apply for i don't get...
so i don't know.
i feel worthless much of the time. can't get an entry level job in much of anything... lack experience. and then i get that temper tantrum thing going on when things move too slowly / i'm bored. so things that are easy for others are next to impossible for me. and people don't like that very much.
so i'm not sure what i can do, really.
maybe nothing.
i dunno.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:45:42
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:27:16
and i suppose it is about persisting, really. persisting in applying for jobs. and i haven't really. i just apply for the odd thing but few and far between truth be told.
and i suppose this is why people tend to stay with the job they have got. because it sucks to be hunting. except for those people who like to hunt. who like to window shop houses and the like. i know there are such people. i'm not one.
so it is more about that.
i'm sorta happy on the unemployment benefit. with my time being my own. i study a lot that way... i'm a good self motivated learner... that is why tech kills me... 2 hours of wasting time in class... i could have learned so much if i'd have studied with that time on my own...
i do think the mental stuff is cured. whatever that means. it isn't an issue anymore.
the `gifted' stuff actually makes a whole heap of sense. the emotional intensity. the focus. my weakness is my strength. my `what is wrong with me' is actually my `what is right with me'. it all just balances out really and this is just... me. who i am. a freak. everyone is a freak in their own special way, though, so whatever whatever it is okay.
what isn't okay is that my body is all f*ck*d up. i tell people `car crash' but whatever... that is what is wrong with me. i'd like to fix it... even if i did get to be an ortopedic surgeon i still couldn't have fixed it myself really... more chance as a physical therapist or whatever... i can teach myself...
have a bunch of activation stuff i need to be getting on with. firing sequences all out of whack... my body is f*ck*d up indeed from years of computer work and from months of wheelchair and months of crutches... from old fractures... i've got numb regions from old injury and i need to learn to feel again. rehab nerves.
did you know the lumbar spine nerves are attached to our feet? we wear blocks on our shoes and our lumbar spines are numb and achy... waking up the feet... wakes up the lumbar spine. the weirdest thing... it HURTS... but then learning how to work the muscles properly so it doesn't hurt anymore...
and there are things i can do ... things i've got control over. i could be a bodybuilder if i wanted (which is achievement based in the sense that you work hard to make/ construct things). strength sports are out really since i'm not very strong and i'm more of a high jumper build than a weightlifter
rambling i am...anyway... the life focus is okay.
but i feel scared about passionate now...
i read some blog. it said don't do what you are passionate about. do something that means you have a rare and valued skill and use that as leverage so you can do what you are passionate about.
i wish i'd read that earlier. i think that is the truth really. nothing like turning a passion into a way to earn a living to kill the passion.
i guess..
that is it, really.
only...
i can't seem to bring myself to do anything else.
i'm that dreaded person who shifts focus all the time. who can't stay focused on one thing long enough to get particularly good at it... only i did stay focused on philosophy for the longest time... and it is at the point now where i'm not passionate about it anymore. because academic philosophy isn't focused on the things that matter and the things that matter are (to me) sorted out (by me) to my own satisfaction. i got what i wanted from it.
and there isn't much in the way of jobs teaching it. too many people want to. the whole tenure thing sucks. i don't want to be a part of it. so i bail.
i wish i'd have studied law or something ... something that made me employable, though. it was never about that before... do what you are passionate about i thought. the rest will sort itself out. except. when the passion goes away. what then?
i don't think i could work as a personal trainer. i don't know that that is something i could keep up energy / enthusiasm for. and without that... you suck. basically.
i don't know.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:58:46
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:45:42
i guess the issue is that i'm selfish.
my whole life is devoted to figuring out (and fixing) what is wrong with me.
insofar as others have similar wrongs i can help them along the way...
perhaps...
(when one teaches two learn)
but what i think is wrong for now is what i have a bee in my bonnet about...
and it kinda consumes me.
till it is sorted to my satisfaction then i gotta move along...
in an interdisciplinary way...
what is that good for?
nothing much.
sigh.
does it help that my punishment is that i'm Very Poor Indeed
?
should i feel guilty that somehow or other...
i'm living it. it is viable i mean.
it is a viable strategy cause i'm still here.
for now.
and if that is third world i'll take it.
and it isn't community (certainly not family) not the charity of strangers... so much as government.
so not third world...
quite.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:59:35
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:58:46
though if it really truly wasn't third world...
if the economy were better...why perhaps then i'd have a f*ck*ng job.
sigh.
Posted by zazenducke on September 4, 2012, at 7:34:31
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:59:35
Nice to see your name again. I wondered what you'd been up to lately.
Posted by Phillipa on September 4, 2012, at 10:35:05
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:59:35
Hi Alex. I've been reading your posts here and I also missed you. I understand your not knowing what to do the economy, and physical problems, have you thought of rehab Nursing? Or a PA, Occupational Therapist. Jobs in those fields might not carry status like a doc but can be fulfilling. Just a thought. Phillipa
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