Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 23, 2010, at 22:15:18
I went and saw my addiction specialist doctor and she argued with me against wellbutrin and all other drugs that are not on my medication list. I brought my medication list i've been on the last 5 years and she said the previous doctors where legal drug dealers that needed to be locked up for malpratice, she got mad, really mad because she said these are all narcotics that are addicting that are the same as street drugs. I argued but she is too powerful to argue against because she has a really fast and strong way of viewing things. I understand that these drugs I was on Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin, Dexedrine, are addicting but there are many people that take them today so I told that to her, and she said the only diffrence is that you are an addict that abuses any drug that is prescibed to you. I sat there and said "really??" and what are you doing about it?? "nothing" she won't do anything. And I can't aruge with her because she says "your angry, so just give it up, your A DRUG addict"
BOY...im telling you this this makes me SO so badly ANGRY because I know plenty of presciption drugs addicts that get away with and get what they want. I'm just pointed out as an example to those who have screwed up, this is RJ and he abuses stimulants. I know all about rationalizing and justifying behavior to others because I've done so much bad sh*t with medication. But look where it has got me, to a point where I cannot be treated by a doctor, and plus looked down on like some dog that everyone can't stand. This is only for this doctor but my mother loves this doctor because she thinks she is really smart, she is smart but she is mean, and very dominating.
Look maybe I'm blowing this out of preportion like in the past, I need to just keep this like the situation is. I need to get another doctor, but my mother enjoys this doctor because she doesnt do anything for treatment. I hate going in to see her because she ARGUES like some lawyer against my suffering saying : your just angry because your an addict and you can't have anything. BOY im telling you I would love to blow mt. st helens with this doctor but she's not worth getting mad about because its already clearly known she's not going to do anything and I should of asked her to make some recommendation for another opionion from another doctor. Thank you and I will have a nice day when I get away from her. She does NOTHING!!
The only resort to getting treated is to go into a locked down hospital. And that's why I'm asking if I carry a gun and say well I'm planning on using this because really I do think about death but I never clearly get through to actually blow my head off. It's too scary to think about death, and whats going to be after it, like hell...going to eternal danmation after death, that's why I ask God if ... I will go to hell but I never get a response from him. See right now, I'm just very annoyed and angry about this doctor, I have to accept this situation as it is. There is nothing going to be done unless a suicide attempt is made but I'm scared to commit suicide but you know...life really isnt anywhere so .. the only thing that is scaring me is the fact that I may burn in hell after death. I can't make that choice, but I havent made any choices for my life so I guess that's my problem, I need to make leap of faith, either if that's leaping in being better or making a leap off a building. Which im very doubtful I will every do. Don't let this post upset you. I'm the one who's upset about my life. Be grateful that you can at least be treated for your condition. I CANT because I have the label of drug addict on doctors and they won't do anything. I mean, you know as many times as I've said this before, im definetly not going to kill myself, one is because I never make that big of a choice, and 2nd I may burn in the lake of fire for choosing to die.
What should I do...go a hospital and just say I need to commited? should I bring a gun and show them what I plan on doing with it later? does that make any sense to them?
Posted by Phillipa on November 24, 2010, at 0:21:15
In reply to This is whats going on, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 23, 2010, at 22:15:18
RJ read this in the morning and tell me how you read it then. This seems to be the time of night you really get upset. Is there a pattern. You know I care but you know guns and threats will not get you want you desire. Did you attend a meeting tonight? Love Phillipa
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 24, 2010, at 11:29:08
In reply to Re: This is whats going on » rjlockhart04-08, posted by Phillipa on November 24, 2010, at 0:21:15
We'll again, I woke up and said "danm" I wrote this last night. See, I was thinking if I needed to go to a hospital, I was thinking should I carry a gun to tell them what I was going to do with it.
See, other people can read this off the net and I don't want private advice to be given and others can read it from 3rd parties in the net.
I really regret writing this but ... I got some of my venting out. I still hope this just goes unnoticed. I've done things like this in the past and nothing happened. I need to not do this. Because it makes me look crazy, and really sick of this cycle of insanity that I particpate in. Just pretend I didnt write this because I really don't want anyone else to read this.
THanks
M
Posted by morgan miller on November 24, 2010, at 14:14:40
In reply to Re: This is whats going on, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 24, 2010, at 11:29:08
I don't think your messages make you look crazy at all, maybe desparate(most of us are or have been at some point), but not crazy.
What's your diagnosis? Are you bipolar?
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 24, 2010, at 22:55:33
In reply to Re: This is whats going on, posted by morgan miller on November 24, 2010, at 14:14:40
Hey morgan,
The only thing I know I know is I have been diagnosed over and over again and been put on other narcotics to help cope with them then I got addicted to them and really made life miserable when I went off them.
I have been diagnosed for manic depressive but I doubt I have it. I think I have unipoler depression.
But my most recent diangnoses is Schizoid Personality Disorder, Slow processing speed, before that I was dianosed with Asperger's disorder. THere's alot of dianoses I have had but they don't count any more.
You know alot of my posts I think are not that valid, you after I read them because im writing in the moment and in desperate seeking of help but people don't know how to help, or I don't listen to important advice, which is something im very well known of not doing is listening to advice. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. I've really been in alot of despair lately but I never tell anyone. People don't know how to understand pain, they don't understand or want to understand it. Ugh, you know I look at all my writings and just say "god" why did I write this. You know thats why facebook is good because you can delete all this junk off. Maybe dr-bob will give us a christmas gift called the "delete post" button.
But anyways thanks morgan ... at least someone understands somewhat
Matt
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 24, 2010, at 23:23:42
In reply to Re: This is whats going on » rjlockhart04-08, posted by Phillipa on November 24, 2010, at 0:21:15
Phillipa,
You nailed it. I always seem to have these rantings at night. And i....i can't really help it but it's good to have self control with knowing that others are going to have to read this invalid info that I'm only feeling in the moment.
I have to apologize because this happens around 9:00-11:00 at night. It is a pattern. And thank you for pinpointing that out. See alot of this stuff, I think about the people that have to read this crap, but it's not crap to me, it's what im feeling but I feel like crap when I'm writing it.
You know ... I need to get a girlfriend and not think of all this crap that I say, because you know its so invalid. Let that be my goal to get a girl, not drugs, ugh! im so discusted with what i've done! all of this is a waste of time to read, and I can't stand it.
Thanks Phillipa, I've got something to think about.
Matt
Posted by Phillipa on November 24, 2010, at 23:49:15
In reply to Re: Phillipa, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 24, 2010, at 23:23:42
Ahhh you're welcome and it's not criticism. Just a pattern I've noticed. Guess this is when your stress level gets high. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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