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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 18:12:13
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by morganator on April 2, 2010, at 17:35:54
> You were banned from talking about what's going on with you?!! Dude, that is NOT cool at all. You need support more than ever right now. I hate when people don't want to hear about negative things. I mean, when they are doing pretty good, they should have even more patience and tolerance for dealing with someone's issues. I f*ck*ng hate this world.
>
> Man I can relate somewhat to what you are going through. I really hope you at least find a medication that will help you feel better. I'm not sure if benzos are a good long term solution. I'd be concerned about what they are doing to my brain. Then again, I guess we should be concerned about what any medication is doing to our brains in these archaic times in psychiatry.Yes, I was banned, and have been banned again. Have been threatened, if i speak of suicide, or my voice that talks/instructs etc about suicide, if i mention that, i will be kicked out, taken to a homeless shelter etc. Other family members never want to hear the words psychosis or schizophrenic symptoms from me, or do not want to receive any emails in which they see as obsession.
I'm supposed to pick myself up by my boot straps and go get a job.
I am or have never been a violent or suicidal person in my life, but when you listen to your voice telling you too, that you're not supposed to be here etc, it's hard not to listen, and i had developed elaborate plans and asked all of my family to let me go. For my mother to see what i was going through, she almost reluctantly agreed to let me go, as the pain i was dealing with 24/7 was too overwhelming.
I had on a whim climed the mountains of utah, with no plans of coming down. I could only see the past, and i'd say/yell, "don't show me that", or i'd hear conversations with Drs or family members, and i'd say/yell, "don't talk to them", or i'd see the future etc. I did anything a madman would. danced like a native american, sat under a tree, similar to a bodhi tree as did buddha where he gained enlightenment. My brain was so messed up from the cold turkey, if i closed my eyes, i couldn't see anything, i could only see the past, and i could only hear my own voice.Unfortunately there were no meds that helped. The antipsychotics, even clozaril etc. Only after ECT, and back on benzos, maybe trileptal, i don't know, some is better. I would LOVE some more ECT, but I can't get the money to do so. Hence me thinking going up to the mountains, away from people, may calm many converssations and intrusive memories.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 18:22:06
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 18:02:09
Do you have any friends who understand what you're going through? I think that would help.
Would you go to the mountains alone?
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 18:41:06
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 18:22:06
> Do you have any friends who understand what you're going through? I think that would help.
>
> Would you go to the mountains alone?I have explained a little bit to a few friends, there is only so much they can take. Even with my avid and obsessional research abilities, i have not found a similar case.
No, there is an organic farm in the sierra mountains. I feel being somewhere with no history, not knowing anyone, getting away from civilization, computers, phones, etc, would sever me much good.
It seems like a great place.
Being at my parents home is a very unhealthy place to be. Both have severe emotional issues, maybe bipolar, depression, maybe borderline personality. It is very uncomfortable being here, walking on egg shells, much fear and anxiety, much other things going on.
Why when someone needs it the most, a person can not find or gather or raise 3,0000 dollars for ECT which seemingly is helping much?
I was a normal person. A college graduate, and a corporate worker, and a school teacher for years. Until my infamous day of heading to korea last year, then realizing that trileptal was in fact making me bipolar, and also makes me see ugly exestentialist things in the the environment, to where i am now.
If anyone has ANY ideas of how to raise or make money for ECT, I would greatly welcome it)
Love,
Brian
Posted by morganator on April 2, 2010, at 18:45:09
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 18:12:13
So let me get this right, you have a schizo-affective disorder and MS? Have you been formerly diagnosed as schizophrenic or schizo-affective?
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 19:02:38
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by morganator on April 2, 2010, at 18:45:09
> So let me get this right, you have a schizo-affective disorder and MS? Have you been formerly diagnosed as schizophrenic or schizo-affective?
No, the psychosis/schizo symptoms initially came from benzo cold turkey initially seemingly. I have read of other benzo cold turkey people, and being treated as schizo and had much ECT, insane assylums etc.
BUT, after my cold turkey back in early sept, i then get diagnosed with MS arouns xmas time.
My shrink, who i've seen for years, had three guesses. that it was benzo wd, psychosis secodndary to MS, or schizo. He seemed to settle that it was psychosis secondary to MS. The neurologist was/is doubtful. I have read of 5-10 percent of MS patients experiencing psychosis, and that is only reported, they think it could be greter. Lovely to have the docs on the same page.
After no drugs working, we try ect, and it helps some. Going back on a benzo helped a tiny, perhaps same with lyrica and trileptal. I don't know if my brain would be receptive to an AP after my recent ECT.
Personally, i'd just like some more ect, and get off benzos, and drugs in general.
brian
Posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 19:05:56
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 18:41:06
Hi Brian,
Your situation at home does sound unhealthy, definitely. The wrong environment can make things so much worse.
>Even with my avid and obsessional research abilities, I have not found a similar case.
I'm sure many people feel the same way, I know I used to. Despite labels such as bipolar, psych problems are often very unique. If you compare yourself with other people, you will find that some of your problems are similar but others are very different.
>I was a normal person. A college graduate, and a corporate worker, and a school teacher for years.
I was never quite normal :) Still, I'm more normal now than I've ever been in the past. I've had good times and bad times, but no very good times! Mainly just OK times recently. How old are you by the way? Just curious.
If your parents suffer from psych problems, you may have inherited genes which predispose you to mental health problems. Still, the right environment will help you. The place in the mountains looks beautiful. I hope you meet some friends there.
I don't think you'll be able to assess the benefits of any medication whilst withdrawing from diazepam. In the future, it may be that you will find a medication which really helps you. On the other hand, it could be that you feel better on no medication at all. It's impossible to say right now. The benzos are clearly a problem though. Even if you're not able to stop them completely, you may find stability on a low maintenance dose. There are millions of people out there on 2mg diazepam at night, or similar. Other people stop completely. It's a difficult journey. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes?
Ed
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 19:13:17
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me? » qbsbrown, posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 19:05:56
> Hi Brian,
>
> Your situation at home does sound unhealthy, definitely. The wrong environment can make things so much worse.
>
> >Even with my avid and obsessional research abilities, I have not found a similar case.
>
> I'm sure many people feel the same way, I know I used to. Despite labels such as bipolar, psych problems are often very unique. If you compare yourself with other people, you will find that some of your problems are similar but others are very different.
>
> >I was a normal person. A college graduate, and a corporate worker, and a school teacher for years.
>
> I was never quite normal :) Still, I'm more normal now than I've ever been in the past. I've had good times and bad times, but no very good times! Mainly just OK times recently. How old are you by the way? Just curious.
>
> If your parents suffer from psych problems, you may have inherited genes which predispose you to mental health problems. Still, the right environment will help you. The place in the mountains looks beautiful. I hope you meet some friends there.
>
> I don't think you'll be able to assess the benefits of any medication whilst withdrawing from diazepam. In the future, it may be that you will find a medication which really helps you. On the other hand, it could be that you feel better on no medication at all. It's impossible to say right now. The benzos are clearly a problem though. Even if you're not able to stop them completely, you may find stability on a low maintenance dose. There are millions of people out there on 2mg diazepam at night, or similar. Other people stop completely. It's a difficult journey. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes?
>
> Ed
>
>Ed, i took the 20mgs diazepam about 2 hours ago, and doesn't seem to fair well with my body. Feels like bad withdrawal. Anxiety in privates area, flushing through legs, physically ill.
Perhaps this is why after i went to detox in the summer, and came out, and tried to go back librium, many people on a benzo board said i was benzo sensitive, and was having a psychotic/toxic reaction to them, and had to withdraw fast.
Perhaps this is true.
Brian
Posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 19:14:22
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 19:02:38
>Personally, i'd just like some more ect, and get off benzos, and drugs in general.
The thing which concerns me about Xanax is that you returned to it at a very high dose. You do not want to increase your dependence. This is why I think that although high doses of diazepam may be necessary for a short while, to cover the withdrawal symptoms from Xanax, you should soon be able to reduce to between 20mg and 30mg per day. After this point, further reductions will need to be gradual.
About the ECT, perhaps you should come to the UK as a Health/NHS tourist :)
Just kidding. It does happen though, although I doubt many people come here wanting ECT. I bet the machines they use are pretty old.
Ed
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 19:16:46
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me? » qbsbrown, posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 19:05:56
PS- the ever i felt in my life as i mentioned, was after a huge detox i did in the middle east 2 years ago or so, and was just done with meds, and it felt great. If i had just not believed that the racing thoughts 5 days later meant i was bipolar (not thinking that a SUPER detox might induce that), then i have never began the whole drug wheel/cycle and be where i am now.
Brian
Posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 19:18:13
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 19:13:17
Xanax and Valium seem to be quite different in some ways, despite their similarities. This is why a cross taper is recommended.
Do you have any Xanax left? If so, you could take 1mg of Xanax + 10mg diazepam for your next dose.
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 19:32:39
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 19:18:13
> Xanax and Valium seem to be quite different in some ways, despite their similarities. This is why a cross taper is recommended.
>
> Do you have any Xanax left? If so, you could take 1mg of Xanax + 10mg diazepam for your next dose.No, doc made me turn in xanax before giving me the valium script. I even asked, don't we want to do a cross taper? Nope, just get started.
Ed, i think i'm toxic to benzos, and my brain can't handle or accept them anymore. It seemed to work a bit after ECT, although i started at only 3 mgs xanax.
Even the past few days, i had been very physically i'll, i thought perhaps it was provigil.What's your opinion on the trileptal?
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 19:38:11
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 19:32:39
god, it just feels like i'm putting myself back in the midst of serious physical WD after 6 months of being off, and just making myself sick.
If i felt relaxed, and sedated, perhaps a little depressed/irritable, then it'd be a different story, but i get none of that.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 19:59:35
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 19:32:39
>Ed, i think i'm toxic to benzos, and my brain can't handle or accept them anymore.
It's one of those situations where it's difficult to know what's going on. Your current symptoms could be withdrawal symptoms from Xanax, rather than representing a bad reaction to diazepam.
When do you next see your doc? I think he might be more receptive to the idea of a cross taper when he finds out how bad you're feeling. I think it was unwise of him to take all of your Xanax away.
I think that your reaction to Trileptal is unusual. I know you feel good in the morning but it seems to be destabilising for you.
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:02:59
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 19:38:11
And to think last go round, at 17mgs, i couldn't leave the house cause i was too confused to make it back. Odd behavior. Severe weight loss, muscle deterioration. Could barely remember my roommates name. Too anxious or having problems swallowing my food, felt like i was on acid and speed, and floating at the same time, i have much to look forward to this go round, huh?
So many great memories from the past year that replay in my head all day.
I wonder how much of that was MS?
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:08:44
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 19:59:35
> >Ed, i think i'm toxic to benzos, and my brain can't handle or accept them anymore.
>
> It's one of those situations where it's difficult to know what's going on. Your current symptoms could be withdrawal symptoms from Xanax, rather than representing a bad reaction to diazepam.
>
> When do you next see your doc? I think he might be more receptive to the idea of a cross taper when he finds out how bad you're feeling. I think it was unwise of him to take all of your Xanax away.
>
> I think that your reaction to Trileptal is unusual. I know you feel good in the morning but it seems to be destabilising for you.
>
>What if i try 3 doses of trileptal, and what if it aids the withdrawal like it has before? Sure, it might make me hypmanic, depressed, see things funny in the environment, and perhaps some normalcy at night, but it may aid in WD.
I think if i go to the farm soon, that it will only be lyrica and valium, as i would NOT like to do any physical farm work on trileptal lol.
I tried the benzo wd by itself, and that was a joke. Although i do have lyrica on board now.
I saw doc today, i don't think he's keen or savy to a crossover. We'll just deal with it
Posted by Phillipa on April 2, 2010, at 20:12:19
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:08:44
Oh Brian I can't believe you doc wouldn't do a crossover for you. I must look up that MS med. Could it be an exacerbation of MS also? Phillipa
Posted by morganator on April 2, 2010, at 20:27:27
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:02:59
> And to think last go round, at 17mgs, i couldn't leave the house cause i was too confused to make it back. Odd behavior. Severe weight loss, muscle deterioration. Could barely remember my roommates name. Too anxious or having problems swallowing my food, felt like i was on acid and speed, and floating at the same time, i have much to look forward to this go round, huh?
> So many great memories from the past year that replay in my head all day.
>
>
> I wonder how much of that was MS?Sounds like many of your issues may be MS. Maybe your brain simply is not responding well to medications in part because of MS.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 20:27:47
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:08:44
> What if i try 3 doses of trileptal, and what if it aids the withdrawal like it has before?
I think it's worth a try Brian. It might help. It sounds like unaided withdrawal would be virtually impossible. I think you need to be on Trileptal before you start the withdrawal, rather than starting back on Trileptal part way through the withdrawal.
>I would NOT like to do any physical farm work on trileptal
Yeah, stay away from the heavy machinery :)
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:29:21
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me? » qbsbrown, posted by Phillipa on April 2, 2010, at 20:12:19
> Oh Brian I can't believe you doc wouldn't do a crossover for you. I must look up that MS med. Could it be an exacerbation of MS also? Phillipa
For some odd reason, i've never met or found a dr in to a crossover. Most Drs are benzo ignorant.
I'm sure much could be MS exacerbations.
Last summer when i was down to 17mgs of valium, and couldn't leave the house, i had to crack, and went back up to 60mgs, and it felt good, relaxed, made me wanna drink etc, only to have the dr put me on 200mgs librium.
I assume this 60mgs valium, i'm not going to get any of that relaxation, sedation, craving to drink alcohol (not a bad thing:), probably just physically ill with withdrawal symptoms.
Many of the MS injections have a great affinity to induce depression, and to also induce flu like symptoms etc, not to mention the hundreds of symptoms caused by MS alone. My neurologist said that he almost requires his MS patients to be on an antidepressant due to the depression induced from the injections. In my case, he thought an antipsychotic, or even mentioned lyrica for racingh thoughts.
I almost laughed and yelled at him when he told me that benzo wd symptoms should be gone after 3 weeks, after a cold turkey? are you joking?
My neuro briefly spoke with my shrink, and they decided to put me on copaxone, which is a daily injection, as opposed to a weekly one, because it has the lowest possibility of causing psychiatric issues
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:37:52
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 20:27:47
> > What if i try 3 doses of trileptal, and what if it aids the withdrawal like it has before?
>
> I think it's worth a try Brian. It might help. It sounds like unaided withdrawal would be virtually impossible. I think you need to be on Trileptal before you start the withdrawal, rather than starting back on Trileptal part way through the withdrawal.
>
> >I would NOT like to do any physical farm work on trileptal
>
> Yeah, stay away from the heavy machinery :)
>
>LOL. Well yes, i was tapering well when i had trileptal on board last year. but then i dropped it, and went solo. When i tried to add it back, just hearing my mother say a word, and i wanting to yell and scream at her.
This is the same as in china 3-4 years back, during my taper, my pdoc added celexa, and it made irritability incredible, just heaing my girlfriend at the time and my brother in law speak, made me wanna yell and scream lol
But Ed, I meant this. In the past, when i was on a pretty high dose of lyrica, i would totally love to go help my mother with yard work etc, same as when i was at my friends place in the san juan islands, offering to do physical manual labor etc. Perhaps it's that lyrica makes me happy and semi euphoric.
So i would need that if i go to the mountains to work on the organic farm.
BUT, if i were on trileptal, i think i might be worthless for farm work LOL.
You guys are great! Thanks so much for the help!
Brian
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:39:59
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by morganator on April 2, 2010, at 20:27:27
> > And to think last go round, at 17mgs, i couldn't leave the house cause i was too confused to make it back. Odd behavior. Severe weight loss, muscle deterioration. Could barely remember my roommates name. Too anxious or having problems swallowing my food, felt like i was on acid and speed, and floating at the same time, i have much to look forward to this go round, huh?
> > So many great memories from the past year that replay in my head all day.
> >
> >
> > I wonder how much of that was MS?
>
> Sounds like many of your issues may be MS. Maybe your brain simply is not responding well to medications in part because of MS.
>
>I agree Morganator. All of the sudden, out of no where, after taking drugs perfectly fine for years, my brain can now not tolerate any. Although ECT helped a LITTLE in allowing my brain to handle a drug, or maybe not.
Brian
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:53:39
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:39:59
It was just last winter when i was on a high dose of trileptal. Hypomanic til noon, then in bed depressed til 6pm, then a feeling of normalcy til bed.
I was taking provigil at the time.I remember my anxiety being hight at the time, i was only taking ativan 3mgs at bed time, i'm sure i was having many racing though issues due to interdose wd.
We went to 3mgs of klonopin. I remembered how irritable and depressed it made me, and it was that drug where my psychiatric history began. Asked to cross over to valium 30mgs, and began my taper from there,
The rest is history.
I think my brain HATES DRUGS!
Posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 21:04:22
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by ed_uk2010 on April 2, 2010, at 19:14:22
> >Personally, i'd just like some more ect, and get off benzos, and drugs in general.
>
> The thing which concerns me about Xanax is that you returned to it at a very high dose. You do not want to increase your dependence. This is why I think that although high doses of diazepam may be necessary for a short while, to cover the withdrawal symptoms from Xanax, you should soon be able to reduce to between 20mg and 30mg per day. After this point, further reductions will need to be gradual.
>
> About the ECT, perhaps you should come to the UK as a Health/NHS tourist :)
>
> Just kidding. It does happen though, although I doubt many people come here wanting ECT. I bet the machines they use are pretty old.
>
> EdI'd love to come as a health/nhs tourist for ECT:)
That's not a true possibility, is it?
Brian
Posted by ed_uk2010 on April 3, 2010, at 10:40:00
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 21:04:22
> I'd love to come as a health/nhs tourist for ECT:)
>
> That's not a true possibility, is it?
>
> BrianIf you were detained in a psych ward under the Mental Health Act, you would receive free treatment. This is not something that I would recommend!
Posted by ed_uk2010 on April 3, 2010, at 10:42:40
In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by qbsbrown on April 2, 2010, at 20:37:52
Hi Brian,
So if you take Lyrica and Trileptal in combination, do you still get depressed in the afternoon?
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