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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 39. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 11:24:41
Here I am on vacation. I am supposed to be having fun, right? I'm not. Instead I am in a depressed state. I am miserable and I feel bad for the person I am staying with. Yesterday I thought about jumping in front of a train. Then I decided that once I return home that I will end it. I have no hope.
In a couple of days I will be spending time with my friend and the horses. Hopefully that will help because right now I see no point in living. I don't even feel like the parnate will help once I start it.
Sigh.
Posted by sam K on September 22, 2009, at 11:44:14
In reply to What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 11:24:41
This happens to me all the time. a good example is when I was on a cruise.. I thought of jumping off the side.. :(.
When this happens, I "shut down". I just treat myself like a computer and shut myself down. I stop thinking and put off thinking for a while.
Its so hard to explain, but its a coping mechinism Ive picked up over the years.Like when Im at my breaking point, I just shut down. If a computer was about to exlpode itd just shut off, but we just keep going.
Lol, I dont think anyone will understand this haha.
Posted by jms600 on September 22, 2009, at 12:17:40
In reply to What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 11:24:41
I know what you mean about losing all hope. I lose it all as I suffer from terrible anxiety. I've been on a load of meds and nothing seems to get rid of my tormenting panic attacks.
You've got to remember that having no hope is simply part of your illness. It's a symptom - as it is with mine. Ending you life just isn't the answer, and never will be. There is something, somewhere out there that will lift you out of the depths, it's just a case of finding what works.
I hope you find some relief soon.
Posted by Phillipa on September 22, 2009, at 12:39:33
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by jms600 on September 22, 2009, at 12:17:40
Maxie believe it or not almost posted a similar thread as feel the same. No pdoc since last March and no one cares. I keep holding on but nothing left to hold on to. Terrified of meds even the ones on as they no longer do the same. So I truly empathize with you. What's the answer? Try and keep busy but then the brakes go on and nothing seems worth the effort. I'm hoping for you that the horses do help. And I admire your perseverence and being off all meds. I seriously do. Love Phillipa
Posted by sowhysosad on September 22, 2009, at 14:56:59
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by sam K on September 22, 2009, at 11:44:14
> When this happens, I "shut down". I just treat myself like a computer and shut myself down. I stop thinking and put off thinking for a while.
> Its so hard to explain, but its a coping mechinism Ive picked up over the years.
>
> Like when Im at my breaking point, I just shut down. If a computer was about to exlpode itd just shut off, but we just keep going.
> Lol, I dont think anyone will understand this haha.No, that actually makes a lot of sense!
The "Psychology of Mind" approach is based around that technique.
Posted by Meltingpot on September 22, 2009, at 15:18:44
In reply to What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 11:24:41
Yes it's awful isn't it when you are supposed to be on holiday enjoying yourself and relaxing but instead feel tense and suicidal.
I remember being in Portugal and whilst other peope were walking along the cliff enjoying the view (well at least I think they were) I was deliberating on whether or not I could bring myself to jump off.
I've had some horrible dreams lately where in my dreams I just have this awful feeling that I'm totally and permanently stuck forever in this hellish state of mind. I think this is because I'm off the clomipramine though, at least it was helping quite a bit just not enough.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the Parnate helps you.
Denise
Posted by Meltingpot on September 22, 2009, at 15:23:02
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Phillipa on September 22, 2009, at 12:39:33
Hi Phillipa,
Sorry I asked you in an another post how you were doing but I guess this one says it all.
What happened to the hormone treatments you were looking into, has anything come of it?
Also, I know you have justifiable reasons for steering clear of MAOIs but really I can't see what you have to lose by trying them. I know you are scared that you might have an adverse reaction to them but couldn't you go into hospital or something whilst trying them so that they could monitor you? Or doesn't it work like that in the States?
I just think it's such a shame as you have been suffering for so long and yet you don't seem to have tried that many antidepressants. Sorry if I've got this wrong though.
Denise
Posted by SLS on September 22, 2009, at 16:17:32
In reply to What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 11:24:41
> What do you do when you lose all hope?
Maxime, along with your depression, I think you are cursed with being a survivor who will always have hope.
Accept the moment. Live in it as best you can.
Try to acknowledge that the depression is making things seem worse than they really are. Things are bad enough on their own without allowing the voice of depression to make them worse.
Trite, but true: One step at a time. One moment at a time. Worry about Parnate later. Live now.
Easier said than done, but doable.
- Scott
Posted by pedr on September 22, 2009, at 17:52:13
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by sam K on September 22, 2009, at 11:44:14
> This happens to me all the time. a good example is when I was on a cruise.. I thought of jumping off the side.. :(.
> When this happens, I "shut down". I just treat myself like a computer and shut myself down. I stop thinking and put off thinking for a while.
> Its so hard to explain, but its a coping mechinism Ive picked up over the years.
>
> Like when Im at my breaking point, I just shut down. If a computer was about to exlpode itd just shut off, but we just keep going.
> Lol, I dont think anyone will understand this haha.Nope that's how I cope with repeated suicidal thoughts too. I don't listen to *any* thought I have when I'm in suicidal mode. I just bat every thought (that I am able to detect) away instantly, no matter what the content. I remember being on reboxetine (Edronax) and it gave me constant suicidal thoughts for 2 weeks, like a tape recorder on a loop. I just turned into a robot and ignored all cognitions. Again and again and again and again...
Don't get me wrong, it was an experience I wish upon no person walking this planet, but "shutting down" got me through it.
Posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 19:28:36
In reply to What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 11:24:41
Thanks for your responses everyone. I still feel just as bad today as I did yesterday. I'm so fed up.
Posted by SLS on September 22, 2009, at 20:35:28
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 19:28:36
> I'm so fed up.
You are certainly entitled to be.
You wouldn't be human if you weren't.
I'll be praying for you.
- Scott
Posted by manic666 on September 23, 2009, at 12:54:34
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope » Maxime, posted by SLS on September 22, 2009, at 20:35:28
do you no i dont go on holidays , there is no point if depressed, when the kids were young , i always took them to he coast ,but was 3 parts hammered on beer just to survive,it can an does make things worse ,because everyone else is buzzing.I no of construction bosses,i have worked for, when faced with bankrupy, are told to go take a good holiday,they did a both killed themself after returning.i am blessed with liveing in the most senic place on earth i have no incentive to go anywhere else. what i dont visit i see on a 50 inch plazma tv.job done. if you go on holiday depressed you come back depressed, an if your not , you soon work into anxierty worrying you dont spoil it for you family. this sounds really miserable but it works for me
Posted by Lou Pilder on September 23, 2009, at 13:29:17
In reply to What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 11:24:41
> Here I am on vacation. I am supposed to be having fun, right? I'm not. Instead I am in a depressed state. I am miserable and I feel bad for the person I am staying with. Yesterday I thought about jumping in front of a train. Then I decided that once I return home that I will end it. I have no hope.
>
> In a couple of days I will be spending time with my friend and the horses. Hopefully that will help because right now I see no point in living. I don't even feel like the parnate will help once I start it.
>
> Sigh.Friends,
It is written here,[...What do you do when you lose all hope...]
It has been revealed to me that depression is the state of death as in how the mind is functioning and there is something one can do. In a state of no hope, one could be like on the shore of a sea, lost.
I was on that shore in the state of death which is depression and a great beast came out of the sea which was death itself; and then there was great heat that did not harm me with flames mingled with the waves. And then the sea turned to glass from the great heat and there was a great multitude of people that had gotten victory over death, standing on the sea, having the harps of God, singing a new song. These were the overcomers. They overcame what was causing the death of their soul and hope came into their being.
I talked to some of those in the multitude. There were 12,000 in 12 groups and one of them came to me riding on a White Horse and said, "To him that overcomes I will give him a new name, a new heart, a new mind and he will sing a new song."
Lou
Posted by Lou Pilder on September 23, 2009, at 14:39:37
In reply to Lou's response- knohohp, posted by Lou Pilder on September 23, 2009, at 13:29:17
> > Here I am on vacation. I am supposed to be having fun, right? I'm not. Instead I am in a depressed state. I am miserable and I feel bad for the person I am staying with. Yesterday I thought about jumping in front of a train. Then I decided that once I return home that I will end it. I have no hope.
> >
> > In a couple of days I will be spending time with my friend and the horses. Hopefully that will help because right now I see no point in living. I don't even feel like the parnate will help once I start it.
> >
> > Sigh.
>
> Friends,
> It is written here,[...What do you do when you lose all hope...]
> It has been revealed to me that depression is the state of death as in how the mind is functioning and there is something one can do. In a state of no hope, one could be like on the shore of a sea, lost.
> I was on that shore in the state of death which is depression and a great beast came out of the sea which was death itself; and then there was great heat that did not harm me with flames mingled with the waves. And then the sea turned to glass from the great heat and there was a great multitude of people that had gotten victory over death, standing on the sea, having the harps of God, singing a new song. These were the overcomers. They overcame what was causing the death of their soul and hope came into their being.
> I talked to some of those in the multitude. There were 12,000 in 12 groups and one of them came to me riding on a White Horse and said, "To him that overcomes I will give him a new name, a new heart, a new mind and he will sing a new song."
> LouFriends,
It has been revealed to me that there was a creation and at that creation the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy. The new song is of a new creation out of a bondage that can put one into the depths of depression which has been revealed to me to be a death.
Moses, which Jews believe in, and which I also believe, sang this song. He sang it after the Israelites were brought out of bondage and walked on dry ground and saw their captors be closed in on by the sea. This bondage has a parallel. And it is this parallel bondage that I am speaking of in relation to overcomming for people that want to know what they can do if they lose all hope and as it has been revealed to me that one can sing this new song. It is a song of deliverance.
Lou
Posted by Maxime on September 23, 2009, at 20:12:48
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by manic666 on September 23, 2009, at 12:54:34
Plan for now is to get through this holiday and then come home and kill myself. I can't think of anything else. It's keeping me awake at night.
Posted by alchemy on September 23, 2009, at 20:23:19
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 23, 2009, at 20:12:48
Maxime, my heart goes out to you. For me I feel worse when I am in situations where I *should* feel happier. Were you the one who told me about Dexpramine? Do you think that would be worth trying again?
And to everyone's responses (except for Lou's) (and especially Scott's) - this thread made me teary. For our pain and our hope and support that we give each other.
Posted by pedr on September 23, 2009, at 20:37:03
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 23, 2009, at 20:12:48
> Plan for now is to get through this holiday and then come home and kill myself. I can't think of anything else. It's keeping me awake at night.
Hi Maxime,
I don't know your situation so I did a very quick trawl of some of your recent posts and it looks as though you are in hell after coming off cymbalta and are waiting so that you can start Parnate?I had a similar experience recently when I came off Luvox and Abilify. I could not stop thinking of suicide for long periods and felt inhumanly bad. I very much wanted to be dead, every day.
However I somehow made it through and started Nardil, which (touch wood) has helped a lot and I pray and pray and pray that it continues to do so. So why not try and focus on the Parnate? It might work, just as Nardil has worked for me. I never believed it would but it has. That could happen for you too.
Tell your pdoc the state you are in. Tell him that you are staying awake, thinking of suicide, he may be able to help prescribe something to help you sleep. You will just feel more depressed if you are sleep-deprived.
Try and stay strong, thinking of you,
Pete
Posted by Phillipa on September 23, 2009, at 21:32:44
In reply to Lou's response- knohohp, posted by Lou Pilder on September 23, 2009, at 13:29:17
Lou I have to admit I had no idea you went through a horrible depression also. Glad you survived. Phillipa
Posted by Lou Pilder on September 23, 2009, at 21:48:32
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 23, 2009, at 20:12:48
> Plan for now is to get through this holiday and then come home and kill myself. I can't think of anything else. It's keeping me awake at night.
Friends,
It is weitten in the subject line of the initial post here,[...What do you do when you lose all hope...].
It is my intention to post here so that what I know about hope could be given for opportunity to hear. But there is much more to this that may be unbeknownst to some.
In that it is written here, what do you do when you lose all hope, it is my understanding that the word {all} includes any faith in chemicals to take into one's system to regain hope, for that hope is included in the {all} as I understand the grammatical structure of ythe statement. That could mean that regaining hope could come from a different perspective, perhaps a perspective that is unbeknownst to some.
Let us reason together. Could there be consideration that there could be a way to regain hope?
Lou
Posted by PC_Load_Letter on September 23, 2009, at 21:54:36
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope » Maxime, posted by pedr on September 23, 2009, at 20:37:03
> > Plan for now is to get through this holiday and then come home and kill myself. I can't think of anything else. It's keeping me awake at night.
>
> Hi Maxime,
> I don't know your situation so I did a very quick trawl of some of your recent posts and it looks as though you are in hell after coming off cymbalta and are waiting so that you can start Parnate?
>
> I had a similar experience recently when I came off Luvox and Abilify. I could not stop thinking of suicide for long periods and felt inhumanly bad. I very much wanted to be dead, every day.
>
> However I somehow made it through and started Nardil, which (touch wood) has helped a lot and I pray and pray and pray that it continues to do so. So why not try and focus on the Parnate? It might work, just as Nardil has worked for me. I never believed it would but it has. That could happen for you too.
>
> Tell your pdoc the state you are in. Tell him that you are staying awake, thinking of suicide, he may be able to help prescribe something to help you sleep. You will just feel more depressed if you are sleep-deprived.
>
> Try and stay strong, thinking of you,
> Pete
If you have not already tried this, consider asking your doctor about starting lithium right away to get you through the washout period, and please don't make any final decisions until you've tried this or another bridge strategy.
Posted by yxibow on September 23, 2009, at 22:55:49
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 23, 2009, at 20:12:48
> Plan for now is to get through this holiday and then come home and kill myself. I can't think of anything else. It's keeping me awake at night.
You can think of anything else, but as all people have noted, it is very difficult... and it is "trite" to say...
There is such a thing as living in the Here and Now. That is what we have. I don't like it any more than anyone else.It takes more energy to concentrate on a plan to exit the Here and Now than to be where you are and let the holiday be what it is...
....but depression talks to people VERY strongly, I know it is an extreme struggle and I am being empathetic. I know there are in the back of my own mind exit thoughts exist but for now, I'm struggling in the Here and Now.
As for the comment about lithium, I would agree that is a very good possibility... it is one of the fastest ways to counteract suicidal thoughts.Lamictal can also do that, though it is a very slow ride and I have no idea if you have tried that or not.
I'd say lithium would be better.
-- tidings
Posted by Gennie147 on September 24, 2009, at 3:53:00
In reply to Re: What do you do when you lose all hope » Maxime, posted by SLS on September 22, 2009, at 16:17:32
Hey,
I do exactly what Sam k does!
I shut my system off!!
Same you are right it helps that way A LOT!!
And i totally understand what and how you do it.
It helps to block stuff away and then eventually you start going with the flow and boot up yourself!!
Posted by SLS on September 24, 2009, at 5:48:24
In reply to What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 11:24:41
I like the lithium idea, too, especially if you have never tried it. You may even find that a low dosage (300-600mg) unlocks a door that allows the other components to your treatment work better.
- Scott
Posted by floatingbridge on September 24, 2009, at 9:04:44
In reply to lithium 'bridge' for washout period, posted by PC_Load_Letter on September 23, 2009, at 21:54:36
Maxime, let us know how you're doing today. I agree with PC. Postpone any decisions now until you've tired another 'bridge'. We're pulling for you!
love and hugs
fb
> If you have not already tried this, consider asking your doctor about starting lithium right away to get you through the washout period, and please don't make any final decisions until you've tried this or another bridge strategy.
Posted by bulldog2 on September 26, 2009, at 15:19:31
In reply to What do you do when you lose all hope, posted by Maxime on September 22, 2009, at 11:24:41
> Here I am on vacation. I am supposed to be having fun, right? I'm not. Instead I am in a depressed state. I am miserable and I feel bad for the person I am staying with. Yesterday I thought about jumping in front of a train. Then I decided that once I return home that I will end it. I have no hope.
>
> In a couple of days I will be spending time with my friend and the horses. Hopefully that will help because right now I see no point in living. I don't even feel like the parnate will help once I start it.
>
> Sigh.Well sometimes I get in that dreadful place. I feel like i'm on a boat in choppy waters and black cloads overhead. Just ride out this terrible storm and calm waters and a sunny sky lay ahead.
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