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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Racer on August 30, 2006, at 1:42:46
In reply to Re: Just a very quick response, posted by jealibeanz on August 29, 2006, at 22:41:39
>
> OK, so personally, the depression is MY main concern.That's actually an example of what I mean when I suggest writing down which symptoms are most bothersome for you. Saying "depression" isn't a lot of information: what does depression look like for you? Which symptoms are most problematic for you?
You mention leaden paralysis later in your post, but that's not something I generally experience with depression. I get things like waking up at 4AM and not being able to get back to sleep. I stop talking. I don't sleep 18 hours per day, but will sleep in short bursts of a couple of hours at a time, and be even more miserable because of it.
With all those different symptoms, all called "depression," it's important to let the doctors know what sorts of symptoms you have. If they're treating you for my kind of depression, for instance, that's not likely to do you a lot of good, right? (Just like treating me for more atypical depression wouldn't necessarily help...)
Anyway, that's just to clarify what I was suggesting.
Good luck.
Posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 1:57:13
In reply to Re: Just a very quick response » jealibeanz, posted by finelinebob on August 30, 2006, at 1:40:36
Probably down the road, I'd imagaine I'd end up at a specialist, however, right now, he's what I've got.
I'm willing to drop the Provigil issue. Maybe mention it in passing, but not push for it unless he wants to. I would think/hope even it he could/would refer me to a pdoc in my area who takes my insurance and new pts (and I'm not sure this is possible) , there would certainly be a couple months of a wait time. I'd think he'd treat me in the mean time.
But really, I've been there enough with anxiety/depression/insomnia/ADHD and puzzled them at times (probably my own fault due to lack of compliance and poor follow and report of symptoms), and still have never had the idea of a pdoc suggested.
If I somehow get through with the EMSAM idea, enough for him to latch on and try it, how often do they normally see patients? Every week for BP, ect? Any suggestions on how to word my push for EMSAM?
Posted by Ts6639 on August 30, 2006, at 8:02:00
In reply to Re: Just a very quick response » jealibeanz, posted by finelinebob on August 29, 2006, at 23:26:25
There have been some great postings. The only thing I have to add is that I think it is important to put down your false front and let the doctor SEE what is going on with you. I always wanted to maintain a good face, while I felt like I was dying inside and it got me know where. A doctor isn't a mind reader. He works with what he is presented with. Good luck.
Posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 8:36:02
In reply to Re: Just a very quick response, posted by Ts6639 on August 30, 2006, at 8:02:00
Did you have more luck when giving up the fake front.
I think my message is clear enough when I say I'm not going back to school. I'd rather just treat this, get some sleep, and think about a new career if I start feeling better.
Posted by bassman on August 30, 2006, at 8:40:11
In reply to Re: Just a very quick response, posted by Ts6639 on August 30, 2006, at 8:02:00
Ditto. Don't let the real stigma of mental illness keep you from reaching out to the doc as much as possible. I did the same thing (hid my emotional pain) from a pdoc more that I should have for three years of Hell. Fortunately, I got a new GP who had me figured out in 10 minutes and aggressively helped out. I owe her about 80% of the good things that have happened in my life in the last 7 years. We moved away...I should write her another note thanking her for all she did for me.
Posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 10:48:48
In reply to Re: Just a very quick response, posted by bassman on August 30, 2006, at 8:40:11
I have hopes that I could be such a success story, like yourself. I always show such promise and glimpses of improvement and potential. Yet, there just seems to be something missing that I can't quite control myself. I need help, I just feel badly that I'm not tough enough to muster through my life. Lord knows I've toughed out a whoollle lot to get where I am today. But a stable career and full-fledged adulthood is going to require me to be more function and stable. I won't be able to just sleep for months at a time and stumble to class barely awake or motivated.
I feel bad that I may end up completely altering my career path and ultimately my life, within the next few days, due to fairly minor mental disorder which could have been treated years and years ago. I wouldn't be in the situation I am today. I know we all have to start somewhere. I just wish I would have started this process aggressively in my younger years.
Posted by bassman on August 30, 2006, at 12:00:01
In reply to Re: Just a very quick response, posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 10:48:48
You're breaking my heart. I can't tell you how many people I know that have given up their career paths or done something that was not consistent with their talents because of a mental illness. And then they torture themselves about it later in life...please, please don't do anything that would preclude your professional happiness in the future, if you possibly can. Your future is so important...
Posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 12:56:44
In reply to Re: Just a very quick response, posted by bassman on August 30, 2006, at 12:00:01
The idea kills me too. It's just such a terribly difficult thing to keep up with, or want to keep up with, due to the lack of energy and desire to actually be in this world right now.
If I let it be know on Saturday that I'm done with school due to this illness, I bet he'll do everything in his power to keep that from happening. That sounds so maniupulative a needy though. It's not his problem. This would be almost like I've got something to hold over him. Like a threat. I don't want that.
Posted by saturn on August 30, 2006, at 13:00:38
In reply to Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by jealibeanz on August 29, 2006, at 20:13:13
Hi Jealilbeanz,
Is your babblemail purposely turned off? I'd like to send you a private message or if you'd like you may babblemail me. You are not alone...Saturn
Posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 13:35:22
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life » jealibeanz, posted by saturn on August 30, 2006, at 13:00:38
I just turned it on.
Posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 13:40:46
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life » jealibeanz, posted by saturn on August 30, 2006, at 13:00:38
BTW, you all are great for helping me and offering advice at such a difficult time in my life. I truely appreciate it.
If I ever have success with a med, I promise I write about it, not disappear.
Posted by exquilter on August 30, 2006, at 15:11:23
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 13:40:46
Have you talked to disabled student services at your school to see whether you can arrange to take a lighter course load? Maybe you can continue your career path at a slower pace instead of giving it up. Your MD may be able to help by a recommendation for this and by confirming your diagnosis.
Exquilter
Posted by linkadge on August 30, 2006, at 17:28:26
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by exquilter on August 30, 2006, at 15:11:23
I can relate, though in my case it was the opposite. Meaning that yes I did want to quit school, but it was the difficulty of school that caused the depression, not the depression which caused the difficulty of school.
Treatments just made the work harder, and subseqently made me more depressed.
It was stupidity that kept me going. Depression for me, was a normal sign that the work was too hard, and that I didn't have the skills. But nowadays, thats not the case. I was told I was depressed because I was "chemically imballanced", and sure that sounded great and I embraced that possibility, but it didn't have me facing the truth, which was I was in over my head.
Not trying to sound negative, but just thought I'd share my own angle.
Linkadge
Posted by Phillipa on August 30, 2006, at 17:54:37
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by linkadge on August 30, 2006, at 17:28:26
Link was it math you were into? I feel strongly research is your passion. Love Phillipa
Posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 18:26:17
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by exquilter on August 30, 2006, at 15:11:23
That would be a nice option, but unfortunately in my graduate program, it's not an option. Each class of 30 students starts and ends together. There's no room for failure, deviation, or breaks. It's 15 months of coursework.
Posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 18:32:10
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by linkadge on August 30, 2006, at 17:28:26
Hmm... it does seem that we are almost complete opposites. I can do any type of school work basically in my sleep with little effort. It's not too difficult in that way.
My problems stem in just plain old unhappiness... I could be doing horribly difficult, challenging torturous tasks, yet be happy at times. While during other times, I could be in the most relaxed and ideal situation and completely miserable about everything without reason.
Posted by linkadge on August 30, 2006, at 21:30:33
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by jealibeanz on August 30, 2006, at 18:32:10
Well, I guess knowing yourself is the most important thing.
I regret having fooled myself for so long.
I wasn't doing what I wanted to do. I wasn't where I wanted to be. School imposed a great number of stressors that I wasn't emotionally prepared for.
Sure I was given stims, AD's, sedatives, anticonvulsants, antipsychotics, but in hindsight who wouldn't loose concentration at the volume of work assigned to me. Who wouldn't become depressed at the demands, and the lack of slack afforded.
I am doing fairly well, but the work is still too hard!!
Sorry for my mutterings :)
Linkadge
Posted by Ts6639 on August 31, 2006, at 5:56:04
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by linkadge on August 30, 2006, at 21:30:33
I had similar problems dealing with my mental illness, while completing my Masters, while running the gauntlet of medications. I did have the luxery of taking a medical leave for a semester to try and get my act together. I feel for your struggle. I am now applying for law school and hope I don't find myself in a similar situation. I hope by the time I begin that I will have found the magical cocktail. Let us know how you do. I appreciate your sharing your personal experience. Depression and anxiety is wrecking havoc with me know. Gritting my teeth to just get through the day.
Posted by bassman on August 31, 2006, at 10:36:10
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by Ts6639 on August 31, 2006, at 5:56:04
I dropped out of grad school for a year because the depression/anxiety was so bad I just didn't make the classes I needed to, plus my mental processor was mighty slow. I went back a year later and got my Ph.D. during a little rest from mental illness. I was lucky. Best of luck...
Posted by llrrrpp on August 31, 2006, at 10:59:13
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by bassman on August 31, 2006, at 10:36:10
Jeali,
I'm a student too, and it's so hard to try to maintain a high level of performance when those around you seem to have it much easier.Are you getting any kind of counseling/therapy to help you deal with the lifestyle/environmental issues that are getting you so down?
And, perhaps taking a semester leave of absence is not a bad plan, or take your classes pass/fail if that's an option. Take care of yourself, and your passions will return. you can do this.
Write a list, or an e-mail. Tell pdoc how miserable you are. Your pdoc sounds very sympathetic, and you guys have a good relationship. He will definitely try to help you.
In the meanwhile, figure out where you want to be when you are recovering. Do you want to be in a safe place, where you can take a walk in the afternoon and not worry about the homework that you are presently neglecting? Do you want to have a freezer stocked with healthy organic frozen entrees for you to pop in the microwave when you have no energy to cook? You can make these things happen for yourself. Cut down on some of your obligations, and spend an afternoon stocking your place so that you can feel at ease, comfortable and nurtured. Buy yourself some fresh flowers, and some bubble bath. Make your bed and put some light reading material nearby for when you just want to chill out.
Trust me, if you want to be taken care of, home is the best place to start. Make it your comfort pod.
Your psychosomatic spa.Best of luck to you- sending you some healing vibes~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<><><><><><><
-ll
Posted by jealibeanz on August 31, 2006, at 11:35:52
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by llrrrpp on August 31, 2006, at 10:59:13
This is my situation in terms of school... I either go non-stop, for 15 months with a predetermined curriculum, maintaining an 80% in every class, or I'm out. There's no way to stop or take a shorter load.
I have a couple days to think about it. I was questioning whether I should tell my doctor about my decision to leave school, but I think I should. It's important piece of information.
I appreciate the comments on making time for myself. That's very kind and helpful.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 31, 2006, at 12:00:46
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by jealibeanz on August 31, 2006, at 11:35:52
Jeali,
Have you looked into the possibility of a medical leave of absence? Do you have an advisor, or a dean, or a counsellor that can help you make this decision? I just would hate for you to make a hasty decision because your mind is not in the right place to consider all the possibilities. At the very least, speak with your pdoc. He (she?) might be able to contact someone in the administration of your program, or perhaps he can help you figure out what is best for you right now and for your future.(((((Jealibeanz)))))
I hope your appt. goes well. I'll be thinking of you
-ll
Posted by jealibeanz on August 31, 2006, at 14:09:09
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life » jealibeanz, posted by llrrrpp on August 31, 2006, at 12:00:46
At this point, I'd have to drop out and reapply. It's very tough to get into any school and the admissions process is terribly intricate and time consuming when dealing with multiple schools. So, this would mean changing directions, career wise. I don't know, maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 31, 2006, at 14:27:34
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life, posted by jealibeanz on August 31, 2006, at 14:09:09
Jealibeanz,
this sounds like the beast of depression is talking for you. It's cruel. It saps your dreams and passions, and makes you wonder if you ever had any. I think you DID have this dream, but the beast of depression is not letting you access your dream.((((((((Jeali)))))))))
Don't give up on yourself yet. Please wait to see what pdoc says. You've made it so far, and you are smart and capable enough to do the work, if you can convince the beast to let you free. Hoping that a medicine tweak will do the trick for you, and that a conversation with pdoc, who cares what happens to you, will momentarily distract the beast, allowing you the freedom to realize your real future.
-ll
Posted by jealibeanz on August 31, 2006, at 16:49:40
In reply to Re: Last Ditch Effort to Save My Life » jealibeanz, posted by llrrrpp on August 31, 2006, at 14:27:34
Thanks... yeah, it is the depression making me feel this way. My doctor (actually not a pdoc, a DO) would recognize this based on the enthusiastic conversations we've had together aboutour mutual interest and passion. Me claiming to have no desire to continue would evoke a double-take, no doubt.
I know most people here praise pdocs, especially over GP's, but I'm not so comfortable with the idea. This is partly based one bad experience with a pdoc, and actually bad experiences with other GP's, so I guess I biased just because I prefer my own doctor on a personal level.
Anyway, I like that he can treat my body, not just the emotional aspect of the disease. He can do physical exams. He can run tests. I actually should have another thyroid test done. I don't care that I've had it done twice before in my life. If I'm anywhere near the low end up normal, I bed it wouldn't hurt to try some augmentation, especially considering my fatigue even while rested. He's probably more capable of prescribing medications to counter physical side effects than a pdoc.
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