![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 52. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by woolav on May 24, 2005, at 21:36:28
i dont know what to do...
Posted by yesac on May 24, 2005, at 22:10:19
In reply to i want to die........, posted by woolav on May 24, 2005, at 21:36:28
> i dont know what to do...
What's wrong? Is there anything I can do?
Believe me, I've been there.
Posted by so on May 24, 2005, at 23:43:30
In reply to i want to die........, posted by woolav on May 24, 2005, at 21:36:28
me too. Maybe it's not so much that I want to die as it is I don't want to live. I take comfort in the fact that I will die some day.
Posted by Camille Dumont on May 25, 2005, at 0:00:47
In reply to i want to die........, posted by woolav on May 24, 2005, at 21:36:28
> i dont know what to do...
Start by not staying alone, both physically and virtually if possible. Call someone you know, maybe try to go and see them and be with them if you do not feel safe. You can also post here. There are plenty of people who have been through rough times. Maybe they can help with their experiences and maybe solutions for you to try.
If it all seems hopeless and terrible and you can see no light and have nobody you can talk to, before you to anything definitive, please please call the ER. It may give you the time you need to reflect and they can maybe help you find help around where you life.
Above all, stay safe
Posted by Camille Dumont on May 25, 2005, at 0:06:35
In reply to Re: i want to die........, posted by so on May 24, 2005, at 23:43:30
> me too. Maybe it's not so much that I want to die as it is I don't want to live. I take comfort in the fact that I will die some day.
I can relate to this. Not really seeking death but seeking the absence of life ... because life didn't seem all that great. For me, therapy didn't help, mounds of medications didn't help ... and frankly, the only thing that keeps me here and forces me to live are my pets.
I may not really know who I am in general or what my purpose on earth may be but now, today and tomorrow and the days after that, I exist because my pets need me. It is my #1 reason that keeps me from attempting suicide.
Its more effective than anything else. They are my "stay safe" contract by default. I chose to take them as my pet therefore I am responsible for them until the end of their natural lives. This forces me to wait, to delay any suicidal impulse. And most of the time, whenever I get those, its for some reason that, in the end, is not worth it. They force me to think twice and stay safe.
Also, when I'm depressed, I can lose myself in playing with them. Just watching their silly antics can make me smile and laugh like nothing else ... even on the crappiest day.
Posted by ace on May 25, 2005, at 1:11:32
In reply to i want to die........, posted by woolav on May 24, 2005, at 21:36:28
> i dont know what to do...
you have to help us out more than that friend!!
whats wrong? what symptoms....?
a combination of meds and COMMON-SENSE therapy is the best
but we need to know more
take care, and smile at yourself 50 times every hour,
ace
Posted by woolav on May 25, 2005, at 6:05:36
In reply to Re: i want to die........ » woolav, posted by ace on May 25, 2005, at 1:11:32
thank you all, that is why i come here, because only others in my shoes understand. It just seems that my hypomania episode(s) keep coming back to haunt me. I cant get away and I feel like Im going crazy because i dont remember things i did. i read on my above posts that it may just be that im not in that same state of mind. So in that i have some comfort. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is my pet too. And my father and daughter. I know they would be devastated. But, its so not fair sometimes. I told my husband that I couldnt guarantee that I will be here until I grow old. Im scared that when my daughter goes to college (3 yrs) and my father passes (he has cancer and is 80) that i will have nothing to live for. I love my husband and dont want to hurt him, but sometimes I believe he doesnt love me the same (maybe bc he doesnt understand me) heck, i dont understand my own self. He says he loves me and will be there, yet he is the one who brings up all the things i did during my hypo state and he cant get past some of it. So, its brought up and brought up...and i cant explain my behavoir to him. I wish i was normal, but that will never happen. Not sure what i did to be born like this. Maybe its a test. I dont know..I will try to keep going for as long as i can. And i truely thank each and every one of you. I dont know what i would do without your support.
S
Posted by Phillipa on May 25, 2005, at 18:35:13
In reply to Re: i want to die........, posted by woolav on May 25, 2005, at 6:05:36
I can relate to what you're saying. I wouldn't kill myself because I don't have enough faith to know there is a hereafter. I think it's just a dark hole. When I was young I used to say to myself if you could think when you're dead it wouldn't be so bad. Isn't your trileptal helping? Maybe you need to call your pdoc. You sounded so much happier a while ago. Maybe you are rapid cycling. I know a lot of others will respond to your post. Just stay safe. Remember your appointment with your husband and pdoc went well you said and you said that he seemed to understand better. Maybe he needs counseling to help him deal with it. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by woolav on May 26, 2005, at 11:12:10
In reply to Re: i want to die........ » woolav, posted by Phillipa on May 25, 2005, at 18:35:13
I just started on the 600mg of trileptal today, so i will give it some time. I am wondering if its a bad idea for me to stay on prozac. I have heard with BP that you shouldnt be on an AD. But my pdoc kept me on it. Anyway..I do think my husband needs to see a counciler, but i doubt he would go. He keeps bringing up things i did during the last episode and then i feel so bad that i roller coaster into major depression. Even last night he basically said i knew exactly what i was doing at the hypo time...and i feel like he will never understand this illness, even though i print things out for him to read etc. I feel like now i am in this all alone. I guess i will see how long i can do this...
S
Posted by SLS on May 26, 2005, at 11:36:40
In reply to i want to die........, posted by woolav on May 24, 2005, at 21:36:28
Hi Woolav.
What drugs have you taken in an attempt to stabilize your moods?
Feeling like you want to die is perfectly natural in the biological state you are in combined with the frustration of the many failures you have suffered to end the pain.
Suicide is more often than not an act of impulse. To understand this is to be able to recognize that it would be unreasonable to come to such a permanent decision while in such a transient state of mind. The impulse itself is usually driven by anxiety, frustration, anger, or aggression.
My advice to you is to continue to seek out as much support as you can (which might include posting here), and try not to isolate. Be sure to contact your health professional to let them know that you are having thoughts of suicide. Perhaps this will motivate them to be more aggressive in your treatment.
Although Lamictal is not an effective drug to use once someone is already manic, it is supposed to help mitigate rapid cycling. If I were you, I might consider combining Trileptal with Lamictal. Just a thought.
- Scott
Posted by 4WD on May 26, 2005, at 16:18:06
In reply to i want to die........, posted by woolav on May 24, 2005, at 21:36:28
> i dont know what to do...
Woolav,
When I see dead animals on the side of the road, my first thought is "well, they're well out of it."
I don't worry about how much I smoke anymore. I'm too scared to kill myself but doing it indirectly seems okay and logical.
I don't want to miss out on the future. But my future just feels like more torture. I just want to stop the pain and frustration and fear.
Marsha
Posted by woolav on May 26, 2005, at 17:23:11
In reply to Re: i want to die........ » woolav, posted by 4WD on May 26, 2005, at 16:18:06
I am taking lamictal and trileptal now. I just started the trileptal last week (i started 600mg today) I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Thanks
S
Posted by woolav on May 26, 2005, at 17:26:31
In reply to Re: i want to die........ » woolav, posted by 4WD on May 26, 2005, at 16:18:06
Hey Marsha, I can totally relate to you. I do think of ways to kill myself though, because if i did get cancer or whatever (i smoke alot too) I would prob. end it there anyway. But, I know what you mean...You just dont give a crap about stuff anymore. Its really sad isnt it?
Why are others happy and we get life full of hurt and frustration etc.. I dont get it..
S
Posted by Camille Dumont on May 26, 2005, at 23:51:57
In reply to Re: i want to die........4WD!!!, posted by woolav on May 26, 2005, at 17:26:31
I can relate to feelings like that. Not particularly bent on dying but at the same time, having no strong inclination towards life. Its like "life by default" but the alternative does not sound too horrible either.
I've come to the conclusion that its linked to my SPD and waht not and little helps with that. So instead of trying to find reasons to live, I force myself to have reasons not to die.
Sometimes when you have someone or something who depends on you, who cannot make it without you, be they pets or children or even other people you help, it gives you a purpose. It makes you feel that if all of a sudden you disappeared, it would not be in complete silence, at least some people or beings would notice. Perhaps needing to be needed is part of what makes life more bearable.
Posted by linkadge on May 27, 2005, at 22:44:01
In reply to Re: i want to die........4WD!!!, posted by Camille Dumont on May 26, 2005, at 23:51:57
If I could find a way, in which me killing myself wouldn't cause a suicidal chain reaction in my family I'd be out, too much pain in this life.
Linkadge
Posted by Maxime on May 27, 2005, at 23:12:53
In reply to Me too, posted by linkadge on May 27, 2005, at 22:44:01
> If I could find a way, in which me killing myself wouldn't cause a suicidal chain reaction in my family I'd be out, too much pain in this life.
>
> LinkadgeSame here. Sometimes I think I am just waiting for my elderly mom to pass on and then I can do it. However she is in better shape than I am at 77 years of age.
Maxime
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 0:33:30
In reply to Re: Me too, posted by Maxime on May 27, 2005, at 23:12:53
Yeah, I'm waiting for my manic-depressive mother to pass away before I end my misery. She definately could not handle my death.
I really don't see it as too big a deal anymore.
God gave me the lemming genes.Linkadge
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 1:50:18
In reply to Re: Me too, posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 0:33:30
Posted by yesac on May 28, 2005, at 14:52:58
In reply to Re: Me too, posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 0:33:30
Just wanted to get in on the I-don't-want-to-be-alive chat.
I don't want to be alive. Yeah, I'm not really actively suicidal at the moment, and maybe haven't been for a little while now (could it be lithium the anti-suicide drug kicking in?).... but I certainly feel like I pretty much hate being alive and don't want to do it anymore.
They say these feelings are temporary, but I'm not so sure. They might go away at times, but they always come back, for years and years and years. Is that really the definition of "temporary"?
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 15:08:18
In reply to Me three, posted by yesac on May 28, 2005, at 14:52:58
Oh sure they say it gets "better", but they fail to mention it gets worse again. Its like me saying, ok life, I've had a fair assesment of you.
Linkadge
Posted by yesac on May 28, 2005, at 15:18:41
In reply to exactly!, posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 15:08:18
> Oh sure they say it gets "better", but they fail to mention it gets worse again. Its like me saying, ok life, I've had a fair assesment of you.
Right-- exactly. I think the people who say it gets better must be the same ones on all those f'ing wellbutrin commercials who say with a gigantic smile, "It's so good to feel like me again". Either that, or they're the people who have never even experienced true depression.I just don't think most people can even begin to comprehend the pain and suffering that many of us on this board go through day after day after day.
It's like someone who's never had a migraine trying to say "oh it'll go away, just take some tylenol."
By the way, I've never had a migraine.
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 17:04:22
In reply to Re: exactly! » linkadge, posted by yesac on May 28, 2005, at 15:18:41
"It's like someone who's never had a migraine trying to say "oh it'll go away, just take some tylenol." "
Thats a darned good analogy. Those pople on the wellbutrin commercials are just depressed cause somebody tampered with the caffiene content of their coffee grounds.
I find it pathetic that GSK is allowed to post banners with this title.
"Interested in an antidepressant with low risk of sexual side effects or weight gain ??". Click Here
What happened to the banners in the good old days??
Have you spend the last 72 hours shaking, vomiting, and wracking your brain for the best, and most effective way to end your life ??
Click Here
Posted by Declan on May 28, 2005, at 18:13:20
In reply to Me too, posted by linkadge on May 27, 2005, at 22:44:01
Before I was 25 so many people I knew had either suicided or died as a result of suicidal behaviour, certainly 5 or so. It has a much different effect than a truly natural accidental death. We need to look after ourselves and each other.
Declan
Posted by Declan on May 28, 2005, at 18:24:47
In reply to Me three, posted by yesac on May 28, 2005, at 14:52:58
You're right there, they are not neccesarily temporary at all. But we live, at least here in Australia, in a culture that is really unhelpful with the whole issue of, well suffering I suppose. There is this kind of mindless reflexive mass denial, you see it in the standard greeting "How are you?", a way of committing you too to the denial psychology when you lie to fit in. Other cultures have been better at this than ours. My guess is that this is even worse in The States.
Declan
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 18:43:28
In reply to Re: Me three, posted by Declan on May 28, 2005, at 18:24:47
We as humans are so dumb, that even if we found pill that cured depression, we would bump up our standards and our expectations of ourselves so that we would all become depressed again.
The reason I want to kill myself seems so rational to me. It just seems like the most clear cut and logical thing to do. Perhaps thats the lemming genes inside me, but I really don't see it another way. Its like my brain has done the math and said, heres what the formula computes.
Linkadge
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Medication | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.