![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DiscoPuppy on May 23, 2002, at 15:54:06
Hi Everyone:
After years of getting the run around with general practitioners thinking I had depression, and trying out every antidepressant known to man, I decided to force my doctor to give me a referral to see a psychologist.
I just got back from seeing a real doctor who seems to really know his sh*t. He's running more tests in the coming weeks to be certain of what my condition is; contrast that to my GP who saw me for 5 minutes and gave me a two month supply of various SSRI meds.
So this new psychologist feels as though I was misdiagnosed a few years back by my GP as having depression. Instead, his believes that I actually have ADD and should take a whole new route to getting help. We spent an hour and a half talking (instead of the 5-10 minute chat with a GP), and even sent me home with some homework.
My question is this: What can I expect short/long term as an individual having ADD? Is this something therapy can help or is it almost certain that I'll be prescribed meds (for the rest of my life)? I'd like to hear personal experiences, not abstract studies. I'm feeling very anxious as I do not know much about this whole other side of mental illness (although I feel very confident in my knowledge of depression).
I had so much more I wanted to say, but I kinda lost my train of thought so I'll write more later.
Thanks for listening,
Puppy
Posted by katekite on May 23, 2002, at 17:12:39
In reply to Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by DiscoPuppy on May 23, 2002, at 15:54:06
Get the book 'Driven to Distraction'. I really liked it. I was diagnosed not too long ago.
'Driven to Distraction' is an easy read and funny too -- description of a support group meeting for ADD where no one showed (all lost or late, LOL).
So what are your symptoms? Are you thinking of trying stimulants?
kate
Posted by Spongemomsquarepants on May 23, 2002, at 23:25:45
In reply to Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by DiscoPuppy on May 23, 2002, at 15:54:06
Hi,
Being diagnosed at the ripe age of 41 (3 months ago) with ADHD has been the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I take Adderall XR, and it lessens my anxiety, I am more productive, and more focused. ( I do continue to take klonpin too) I am still waiting for the "Martha Stewart" part to kick in, but I think that is a long way off :) The best link I have found is through PBS: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/misunderstoodminds/attention.html
If you do have the correct diagnosis, and get on the right med, I hope you have as much success as I have.
Viki
Posted by XaosSurfer on May 24, 2002, at 17:34:47
In reply to Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by DiscoPuppy on May 23, 2002, at 15:54:06
Discopuppy,
This is something I wrote today for another message board. It is my POV about ADD. I am probably in the minority but I don't believe ADD is a disability.
There have been a number of ideas put forward about the nature,
cause and cure of ADD. I thought I would add my 2 cents (1 cent US).I reject the name ADD and I only use it to enable communication.
First, in my experience ADD is not a disorder. I do not think of
ADD as something I need to cure. Depression, for example, is
something I want to cure. Depression is the enemy and I am in a
fight to beat the sucker into the ground. I do not feel that way
about ADD at all. ADD is my strength and the source of my ability
to contribute. We are the creative ones. Give us a box and we will
think outside of it. Give as a horizon and we will look beyond it.
We are the source of new ideas. Have you ever been in a room full
of entreprenuers. ADD city! They don't fit in the corporate world
so they start new businesses.Second, ADD is not a deficit. ADD is a different way of thinking
and a different way of being. It is about something which is absent
but it is about something which is present. A curiousity about the
world. A passion about ideas and what is possible. A refusal to be
limited by the existing structure. We are always exploring.
Sometimes it seems to me that the rest of the world is suffering
from 'LTS' - Linear Thinking Syndrome. They are the ones going in
circles because they just never try to do anything different.Third, ADD is not about attention, it is about focus. The ADD mind
is not unfocussed, it just focuses differently. I am constantly
focussed on 8 ideas at once OR I am hyperfocussed on one thing. If
I am hyperfocussed good luck trying to talk to me. To my wife I
look spaced out but I am not. My mind is working very hard on
whatever it if focussed on.All the theories about the cause of ADD are of no interest to me
since I think 'ADD' has always been a part of the human species and
will always be a part of the species. We are the hunters, the
explorers, the traders, the inventors. Without the ADDers the
species would stagnate.Of course, if the species was all ADDers it would die off very
quickly. Nothing would get done. We would hunt but never cook. We
would explore but never settle. We would invent but never build.
We can't eat a plateful of hot new ideas to nourish ourselves.This is the role, if any, for medications. The meds are a tool to
help the ADDer get stuff done. My mind is always working but I need
some help getting my ideas down on paper in a form that others can
understand. I think the reason it looks like we have an ADD
epidemic is that we are asking our kids to be more structured than
we have in the past. Going to the same school, following the same
structure, day after day, is just no the natural way of being for
the 'ADD' child.The primary challenge for ADD people is not overcoming the symptoms
but learning the understand their strength. It is our gift to see a
different world than most people. We must not obliterate that gift
and cut off our unique contribution. Sure we are a funny lot.
Can't pay the bills on time. Never put the car keys in the same
place twice. Never sit still. Watch 5 TV shows at once. Read one
chapter from hundreds of books. This is how we keep ourselves
going. Boredom is our enemy and we never settle for 'good enough'.
We see what is possible and we expect the world to move in that
direction.The western world right now is very structured and, in relief, the
ADDers stand out. That is ok because if the ADDers don't get busy
this world is going to strangle on its strcutures.Paul
Posted by Seamus2 on May 24, 2002, at 20:25:10
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by XaosSurfer on May 24, 2002, at 17:34:47
Paul,
That was great and echoed my sentiments to a tee! Three cheers for those of us just a wee bit off.
I still haven't gotten off my butt to ask the shrink for some Ritalin to take on an as-needed basis to help focus on the really boring stupid shit that HAS TO BE DONE.
Like paper-work; oh God I hate bookkeeping!
I'm well adjusted and don't mind walking around the house with one shoe on just because I got sidetracked getting dressed...
The bugaboo of depression is under control.
Question: Anyone w/ "ADD" taken Ritalin or Dexedrine on an occasional PRN basis to focus on mundane housekeeping/bookkeeping (etc.) activities? Can it be used in that way?
Regards,
Seamus
Posted by Seamus2 on May 24, 2002, at 21:06:16
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by XaosSurfer on May 24, 2002, at 17:34:47
I solved the carkeys problem a long time ago: a bowl next to the door. :)
When I open the door, the keys go in the bowl -- no ifs, ands or buts.
And when I leave I recite a little mantra: wallet, keys, cigarettes, cell-phone.
My medication issue? What are you using for the depression and/or "ADD"?
Seamus
Posted by XaosSurfer on May 24, 2002, at 23:06:46
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by Seamus2 on May 24, 2002, at 20:25:10
Seamus,
Thank you.
I cannot tolerate Ritalin at all. It is like drinking 100 cups of coffee. I could not use dexedrine the way you suggest. I find it a little bit 'addicting' and I get tired and irritable when I miss a couple of days. However, YMMV.
Paul
Posted by katekite on May 26, 2002, at 21:13:28
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by Seamus2 on May 24, 2002, at 20:25:10
Yes there are some ADDers out there who just use ritalin or other stimulant as needed for particularly boring situations. For example some mild ADD college students use it only for studying and sitting in class... so would only take it class days and evenings.
For me I find it so helpful in situations I never would have thought (as weird as how much it helps me just get up in the morning or enjoy errands), that I take it every day. For me life was always seemingly unpredictable, moody ups and downs and energy up and down, that taking it every day provides a consistent level of energy and focus that seems natural now. I did find ritalin almost too calming, like fun became doing a jigsaw puzzle alone for hours, but each person has their own experience.
Start with the short acting versions to determine what dose you need and which you like best, then eliminate the ups and downs of energy by taking a longer release version.
My answering machine had been full -- messages from a year ago that I just didn't really feel the need to erase.... 3rd day on stimulants I thought, geez who needs all this, and erased it in 5 seconds, eliminating the incredibly long beep that has annoyed friends for the last year.
The perks will be surprising. Not having to work so hard at the easy things (those things that others find easy) will mean the hard things in life will seem easier than you ever thought they could be.
kate
Posted by IsoM on May 26, 2002, at 21:17:42
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by XaosSurfer on May 24, 2002, at 17:34:47
Oh, yes, I thoroughly agree with you about the good side of ADD. I have ADHD & I love it for the most part. At 52, I can still run rings around most half my age. My curiousity is limitless & the world is a treasure to explore. BUT I, unfortunately, also have narcolepsy & from time-to-time, depression rears its ugly head. My main beef is not the way I focus on things but how easily I get distracted from what I'm engaged in by anything else that seems interesting (& most things do!), & entirely forget about the other things I was doing, or talking about.
Posted by Xevious on June 3, 2002, at 19:52:29
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by XaosSurfer on May 24, 2002, at 17:34:47
Great words, Paul. I'm new to this group and somewhat new to the idea of calling this variably annoying gift in my life "ADD," but in the last year, I've been feeling better about my "difficult depression" (as my former doc put it) for all of the reasons that you so eloquently named. So I suppose that knowing what one is up against really is half of the battle in understanding and living with it.
I do have to offer a counterpoint, from my own perspective, on why I think it can be important to treat ADD directly -
I took only two years to graduate from High School, but needed eight to complete my Bachelor of Science as I was a little, well, distracted by starting my own business then joining a large semiconductor company to fly around the world evangelizing e-medicine products. From there, I produced and directed a few musicals, designed some circuit boards for a weather station manufacturer, and spent a bit of time in the financial industry before finally coming face-to-face with an incredible existential crisis at the not-so-venerable age of 25.
My crisis, then and now, is one that many of my generation are facing, but for me is amplified by the distancing and nonconformative effects of ADD - to put it perhaps too simply, I don't and never have "fit in" with conventional society in any reasonable way, and furthermore, I've never been able to see why I would want to! This feeling of an interior/exterior schism goes even deeper - inside my head, way down deep, my cognitive, creative and empathic abilities are well above average, but my attempts at bridging this inner world with anything external, be it through writing, verbal communication, or creative arts, are met with various and unpredictable degrees of biological impediments thanks to the negative effects of my particular incarnation of ADD.
Knowing how much you are capable of, and then seeing how poorly it is translated from mind to matter is frustrating, disheartening and, ultimately, depressing. And spending too much time obsessing, in typical ADD fashion, over the existential irony of a sentient creature pondering its own biological limitations is even more depressing. (Don't try that one at home, kids - there's a reason why 9 out of 10 philosophers weren't very happy people!) I myself fell into a pattern of wondering who I could be, how I could make use of myself, and how I could contribute to people, society and the world in a way that would keep me, well, entertained, then succumbing to depression after finding dead ends, empty answers and closed-box solutions.
Along the way, I tried an incredible variety of antidepressants fed to me from the hands of dozens of different "experts." To each of them, I told my story, my symptoms, and my pain, and not a single one of them even suggested the concept of ADD. (Which, in retrospect, is fairly clearly the diagnosis.) To be honest, I'm not even sure that many of those doctors or psychiatrists were even listening to me - a lack of empathy that I'm sure most here have first-hand experience with.
Finally, in the course of a master's program in psychology (seemed interesting at the time ;) ), I learned about ADD, had an alarming moment of clarity, and sought out a specialist for confirmation. At the moment, I'm on Adderall (although I plan to try the new Eli Lilly product) and feel better than I have in years.
In my case, ADD is both a gift and a very real, very debilitating curse. Treating the ADD with Adderall has lifted most of my depression, which I agree should be stomped out most unmercifully, *and* has greatly reduced many of the negative symptoms of ADD (focus, attention, low motivation, low energy, etc.) that I believe have been the primary source of most of my depression, while SSRIs, tricyclics and the like have had offered little benefit with much greater side effects.
In the end, I think that we all must learn to find and accentuate the positive features of who we are through self-work and therapy while seeking pharmacological relief from the debilitating negative symptoms of our own individual neurological disorders/deficiencies. For some of us, that means targeting only comorbid disorders and living through our ADD; for others like me, it means targeting the ADD in a way that we still hold on to those positive effects that make us who we are!
(In my best Eeyore voice) Thanks fer listnin'...
-Steven
Posted by katekite on June 4, 2002, at 13:13:47
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by Xevious on June 3, 2002, at 19:52:29
I really commiserate. You sound like a really interesting person, if a little hard to keep in one room. I'm sorry it took so long for you to get properly diagnosed.
I was finally diagnosed with ADD about 2 months ago and have now tried all the major ADD drugs, finding ritalin to be best so far. This is after 10 years of whim trips to new psychiatrists for about 20 different antidepressants and mood stabilizers (misdiagnosed BP II last fall). I can't blame them really for missing it, I only went when depressed and am less energetic and more likely to stare in one direction then... it was me that finally clued in and figured it out.
I had always approached things (some things) with intense interest and energy. Despite hating school desperately (since it requires actually going and all that) I went to veterinary school. I would have gotten graduating awards for surgery from recommendations from clinicians, except the administrative office found I'd skipped too many classes. I passed up a paid grad student opportunity at Oxford in an interesting field, accidently, which I regret: it's likely I wouldn't have finished anyways, but I would have enjoyed it. I nearly specialized (additional 4 years) but realized in the nick of time I wouldn't have stuck it out. I have a bunch of 'thanks for your help's in other people's books. I have all these projects: little devices to in-vivo measure insulin in humans and dispense micro-amounts with actual receptors grafted to an electrode (will never work), a project to enhance bone growth in poorly fed iguanas, epidemiology of dysautonomia in dogs (toxin suspected), a book: a consumer's guide to vet medicine (vet medicine is as corrupt as plastic surgery). I somehow stopped painting right when I was getting to be promising and now I seem to suck at it due to lack of practice. I haven't practiced as a vet in a long time, almost a year, though I continue to spend money fixing friend's animals especially if the problems are unfixable. I recently bought a welder but have no real plans to learn to weld, apparently. It does look neat though. I currently make a living breeding an experimental breed of cat -- thousands of dollars apiece although few in number. I don't know if I'm a cat person: increasingly I'm a human person. In fact that whole concept is frightening: perhaps I went into vet medicine because humans were too complex, but with ritalin they aren't, what does that mean I should do? I fix the lawn mower in a jiffy but in four months haven't fixed the leaky shower that I turn on and off with a screw-driver. I would like to own a camel. I have trouble returning phone calls on time. I speak small amounts of many languages, but tire after that exciting bit about learning to count to ten and swear.
I stopped everything about 1.5 yrs ago to figure out what had gone wrong and never really started again. The unfinished projects were piling up and the finished ones had no central theme. It felt hopeless. Why bother starting new things? It wasn't depression so much as a rational need to make some change before wasting more time. Then, doing nothing, I got depressed.
I'm 30. I'm not sure how things are going to turn out. I hope that ritalin alone will eventually work, but still I find myself trapped in mental habits that are hard to kick -- doubting that I will succeed, doubting that I will ever fall asleep, the feeling of waiting for something to happen to me rather than being in charge, wondering if any one career will ever be satisfying for the period of time expected by this society (and me, now that I seem to have well internalized everyone else's goals).
I'm learning to cope and have a lot of hope with the ADD diagnosis. Ritalin is wonderful. I am better at basketball, even at walking, can organize my day in the morning, get less upset at frustrating activities. I can now not read a book in one sitting or never: I can put it down.
I want that initiative, that incomparable fanaticism about a new project, to swallow me up again and drive me. It slowly seems to be creeping back... though its strange with ritalin to finish things when I thought I might just flail. It is still all too easy to give up. I'm working hard to get better at congratulating myself for the things I do accomplish, and to take on realistic projects.
I also worry about whether learning to take on realistic projects is good? My faint urge to build and fly an ultralight? Will I never do anything about it? What will that mean for me and the world?
About every other day I wonder about trying some other additional drug. I don't know how long I should work with ritalin alone. I wonder if an anti-depressant plus ritalin would get me more productive, then I could get used to that feeling again and drop the anti-depressant.
Out of curiosity, which of the drugs you took before helped you the most in terms of mood and confidence?
Have you ever gotten overwhelmed to the point of not starting anything for longer than a day or two?
To some degree what we like about ourselves and admire in others is the crazy ideas we have that we do accomplish... have you found Adderall has diminished this capacity or do you just dream at night and get it done during the day?
kate
ps -- as far as emedicine goes, aren't those implantable tracers like digital angel just really great?
Posted by AlphaOne on June 4, 2002, at 14:04:53
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by katekite on June 4, 2002, at 13:13:47
> I'm 30. I'm not sure how things are going to turn out. I hope that ritalin alone will eventually work, but still I find myself trapped in mental habits that are hard to kick -- doubting that I will succeed, doubting that I will ever fall asleep, the feeling of waiting for something to happen to me rather than being in charge, wondering if any one career will ever be satisfying for the period of time expected by this society (and me, now that I seem to have well internalized everyone else's goals).
>
> I'm learning to cope and have a lot of hope with the ADD diagnosis. Ritalin is wonderful. I am better at basketball, even at walking, can organize my day in the morning, get less upset at frustrating activities. I can now not read a book in one sitting or never: I can put it down.
>
> I want that initiative, that incomparable fanaticism about a new project, to swallow me up again and drive me. It slowly seems to be creeping back... though its strange with ritalin to finish things when I thought I might just flail. It is still all too easy to give up. I'm working hard to get better at congratulating myself for the things I do accomplish, and to take on realistic projects.
>
> I also worry about whether learning to take on realistic projects is good? My faint urge to build and fly an ultralight? Will I never do anything about it? What will that mean for me and the world?
>
> About every other day I wonder about trying some other additional drug. I don't know how long I should work with ritalin alone. I wonder if an anti-depressant plus ritalin would get me more productive, then I could get used to that feeling again and drop the anti-depressant.
Try Reboxetine, that gave me more drive.
However I think you may be expecting to much.
When I took Ritalin, I found I could do any task, and finish it, if I sat down and did it.
Ritalin however didn´t force me to do anything.
I still had to motivate myself.
The difference was that it gave me an option. It basically gave me free will.
Posted by IsoM on June 5, 2002, at 1:05:13
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by katekite on June 4, 2002, at 13:13:47
Katekite, when I read your post I laughed in recognition - not that my projects have been quite as adventurous as yours. I hope you don't mind me butting in this thread.
There's so much I want to accomplish & just try. Unfortunately, I know I'll never be able to. I don't have the money, the resources, or the manpower needed (e.g. - a stone project I have in mind requires money for the right stones & brute strength - both something I don't have). I won't bother listing all the things I really want to do & know I could do a great job too. Like you & the camel you want, I very much want an elephant (among quite a few other animals). Realistic? Not in the slightest, but it doesn't stop me from dreaming about it. While I prefer to be alone, I, too, am fascinated by people & find I'm very people-oriented, but after being around others for a while, I need to retreat & recharge in privacy.
Ritalin affects me quite differently than you. The highs are too short with it & the low is so abrupt. Dexedrine does me well but still, I dislike the feeling when it wears off. I supplement the adrafinil I take now with occasional Dexedrine.
About ADs, especially SSRIs - for me, they've opened up a wit & humour that while I knew I had, I couldn't express it easily like I do now. It also served to curb my impulsiveness (speech mostly). It didn't dull me but gave me a balance I didn't have before. I still feel an overwhelming rush of ideas of so many things I want to do but am unable to. In a way, I feel cheated but I look at that which I have done & enjoy those. I wonder how many unfulfilled & unrealised inventions, cures, new plants, breeds of animals, new useful chemical compounds, etc are out there in the dreams of aspirations of intelligent, creative people with ADD? Mind boggling probably.
P.S. What is this breed of cat you're involved in? I'm dying to know. As soon as something new catches my interest, I need to read up & research it as much as possible.
Posted by Xevious on June 5, 2002, at 2:21:51
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by katekite on June 4, 2002, at 13:13:47
Hmm… You sound almost like a long-lost sister, KateKite. (Leia… it’s true… our father was a lousy actor in those prequels…) Sorry, I’ll just stop that now. ;)
It took me eight years of bouncing between various psychiatrists, GPs, psychologists and therapists (I would see one for a while, then get frustrated and move on or discontinue entirely) before finally diagnosing myself as ADD. Unlike you, I *do* blame at least some of the docs that I saw – many of them seemed burned out and disinterested in my plight, and merely did their best to place me on a flowchart. Under ordinary (healthy) circumstances, I wouldn’t have given those docs the benefit of a return consultation, but when you’re otherwise occupied with depression or sickness (you know, like when you’re most likely to be seeing a doctor), chances are that you’re missing a couple handfuls of common sense. The really sad thing about apathetic docs is that people who don’t feel well are usually in need of a good dose of empathy; it’s too bad that so many doctors don’t take the time to learn such skills along the way.
I think the other unforgivable is the doctor who doesn’t believe in an illness like ADD or depression. Way back when I first suspected depression, I went to my long-standing family doc, spilled my guts, and was rewarded with a lecture on hypochondria and the stern advice that “there is no such thing as depression. It’s all in your head.” Well, DUH! ;) Again, normally, I would have seen a different doc the next day, but we’re still talking about depression here, and so it took me more like three months and an emotional breakdown to find a doc who actually reads the JAMA. Anyway, I went through the same crap just this year when I had my “oh dear lord, I’m Bart Simpson” moment – called two of my former pdocs; both told me that they didn’t believe in Adult ADD and that they would only be willing to prescribe Wellbutrin. Thank goodness this time I was only scatterbrained and not incapacitated by depression; it only took me a month to locate a specialist and undergo the neuro and psych screening.
By now the more perceptive of you may have noticed my lack of tolerance for apathetic medical practitioners. It comes from being a counseling psychology student on his way to a degree in neuroscience, if I ever keep myself on track for long enough to finish. ;) Empathy skills aren’t all that difficult to learn, and I just have issues with folks who are in the healing professions and don’t seem to care about the living, breathing, feeling people whom they are treating. But enough on that rant… Don’t want to wrestle Dennis Miller out of a job. ;)
I literally breezed through high school. Barely opened a book. In retrospect, I did it mainly by bending all of the rules (I’ve always been rather adept at that…); by the end of my second year, I had already taken all of the math and science courses that the school offered (those were the only ones that interested me at all), so I packed up and, under extreme protest from the district, started attending classes at the community college. That was fun – I only went to school half-time, and spent the rest of my days hanging out with friends, volunteering at the humane society and my veterinarian’s office, watching lots of Discovery Channel, holding down a part-time job and being generally productive. In retrospect, those were probably my most symptom-free years.
When I went off to a real university, my condition changed pretty abruptly. I found, somewhere in the middle of my Bachelor’s degree, that although I was still very enchanted with the *idea* of school, the actual reality of having to go to classes regularly, developing a study schedule and time management techniques, and – the worst – having to spend most of my precious attentional energy on play-acting that I was paying attention in order to keep the professor happy rather than doing whatever I needed to in order to actually *listen* (I should win an Oscar for how good I am at doing this these days) was really getting me down. Literally. Like as in “hello darkness, my old friend…”
I eventually graduated, but that was only because I decided that I wanted to pursue a graduate degree. So, after four years away from my very patient alma mater, I completed the remainder of my degree requirements in two months. And let me tell you – I just looove the people who ask me, “well, why didn’t you do that sooner?” Like I hadn’t ever considered the idea. Life is nothing if not ironic.
Anyway, I started out pre-med, then ended up pre-vet (couldn’t really understand humans after all; had natural pet empathy), then got side-tracked with biomedicine and wound up with a degree in computer science on account of the fact that I pulled down six figures during my junior year by doing some contracting in my spare time. (60 hours a week of “spare time,” that is… but those were 60 exciting, never-the-same-thing-twice spare hours) I left school to found my own business and kinda forgot about the whole degree thing.
The trouble with running a business when you’re ADD is you have soooo many mind-shatteringly great ideas but soooo precious few survive the cognitive process of putting them down on paper. Even those lucky few are inevitably doomed to live out the rest of their lives in a great heap of paper somewhere on your desk (or the floor, or on top of – not in – the filing cabinet) as by the time you’re done writing them down, you’ve already lost interest and abandoned them for the next fleeting stroke of genius.
None of which is a problem, really, considering the fact that you’d never have the energy or follow-through to actually implement one, start to finish!
Which brings us to the topic of financial ruin. Although I consider myself to be quite responsible with finances – I pay my bills on time, never overdraw the checkbook, frequently get paid hideously large amounts of money by employers in exchange for what amounts to playtime – my enthusiastic impulsivity with large, capital intensive endeavors (like that business, or the musicals that I produced and directed) has brought me repeatedly to the brink of capitalistic destruction. In fact, if I had a dime for every time I painted myself into a corner while following a dream, well, then I wouldn’t have had to worry about the problem I just mentioned. ;)
All in the life of the ADD affected person. And my recent crowning achievement? On an impulse, I left my formerly enjoyable position as a marketing engineer (the one that had me touring the globe, touting the majesty of our products at trade shows) for a supposedly similar, higher-paying job with another company because the former job had begun to get stale, what with our division loosing financing and our team being frozen and all. (Hey, I make carefully weighed (read: obsessive), impulsive decisions, hence the higher salary) Turns out that the new job was not at all as advertised and entailed me sitting in a cube all day authoring powerpoint presentations and word documents. Let’s just say that three months later, when I was laid off (along with about half of the company), it was like a mercy killing.
That was really the last straw. My depression had been returning, and what seemed to be a mounting pile of failure after failure was really haunting me. The letters read large on the billboard of my psyche: “The World Does Not Want You.” I was miserable. That was the trouble – I wasn’t the least bit suicidal, homicidal, or anything else involving an ounce of initiative. Just plain miserable. I didn’t do a thing, not a thing, for nearly an entire year. That’s not to say that I didn’t have a lot of ideas – I had loads of them. I just had given up, lost interest in competing, and turned to reading philosophy and watching old movies, barely living in a depressed, existential stupor. I’m a great actor, though; most of my friends thought I was fine, if a bit nocturnal.
Dear god, I’ve just typed a lot. Thanks for reading still. Sheesh. It's just that this stuff is fascinating to me - I used to think that I was a generic, uncategorizable freak; now I know exactly what kind of freak I am! ;)
So here I am now, a student again, barely, just barely making it through classes and homework, filing incompletes right and left, finishing three-month long assignments in the thin hours between 1:00 and 6:00 in the morning on the day that the (already extended) assignment is due, and somehow remaining first in my class with a perfect GPA. Around January, school brought me to my knees again, but thankfully, my very studies revealed to me my disorder.
I’ve tried Ritalin, Adderall and Dexedrine, and am currently on Adderall. My rich history of experimentation with a wide variety of antidepressants has actually come in handy; at least I know what they do to me and have no need to try them again! :) Out of the AD family, Prozac was my affect-enhancing friend, while Effexor and Wellbutrin had the best effects on my attentional symptoms. I have had great difficulty tolerating most medications, including the last two, and am quite thankful for the side-effect free, albeit incomplete relief that Adderall has been providing me. (Ritalin had little effect on my CNS and Dexedrine nearly put me to sleep) I figure that on Adderall, I can crawl through the rest of the school year, then experiment some more during the summer when there is less at stake. At that point, the cobwebs definitely need to be cleared out of my head.
To be honest, at this point, I still have almost zero direction, but I’m financially committed to school and find the subject matter most interesting, so I guess I’ll follow this path for now. I have absolutely no conception as to how I will ever find a career that will interest me for more than a few years, let alone the rest of my life. I think that this was the kind of dilemma that I was supposed to be going through six or ten years ago, but I was too busy making money and having fun back then! ;) This, I believe, will be the hardest challenge for me to face – me and my ADD vs. a world of rules, consequences, and some of the most closed-box thinkers you’ll ever meet!
-Steven
Posted by Xevious on June 5, 2002, at 2:45:00
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by katekite on June 4, 2002, at 13:13:47
One last bit (AND YES, IT'S A SHORT BIT!) -
The Adderall has definitely brought me "out of my head" to the point where I'm no longer lapsing constantly into involuntary daydreams, but up to now (two months, fingers still crossed) I haven't noticed any significant reduction in my creativity.
Just this morning, while in the shower, I had a brilliant idea for a musical, complete with whole chunks of the score! I lost it just as quickly as it came (if anyone finds any of my missing ideas, could you please parcel post them to me?), but that's normal for me. I generally have to hold on to a shred of a good idea for months before I'm able to recapture any significant amount of the original flash...
In some areas, I've even noticed improvement. I'm a musician (trained in considerably fewer instruments than I actually own, of course) and have had a much easier time working thoughts through my fingers and into the instrument. In fact, the process is beginning to feel almost natural now instead of the constant fight that I've always had previously. (For example, I'm able to play piano instinctively while compsosing and don't have to watch the keys like I've always had to before.)
Then again, I *still* can't focus well or predictably, which means the search is still on.
Posted by katekite on June 8, 2002, at 10:12:25
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD » katekite, posted by Xevious on June 5, 2002, at 2:45:00
Took a while to reply here...
I read your book. Sounds much like me although I found the structure of school helpful. It was once I quit my job to work on a book that I lost all organizational ability and motivation and fell into a morass of mental inactivity.
Ritalin doesn't do everything, as someone else put it it more allows me to have a choice about what I do. Much of the time I still end up flailing around, say, on the computer.... but at least I feel that I was the one who decided to do that for 3 hrs at a stretch.
I'm still looking for more drugs, of course. Prozac was the best of the ssris for my mood but wasn't an all in one drug. All the other drugs worked for pieces of things, anxiety for example, but had more downsides than upsides.
Now that I've found out I have high cortisol the search is on to find out why -- maybe if that is treated my attentional problems will improve -- of course not likely past the level of childhood ADD I know I had, but perhaps at least back to that. And if sleep improved that would surely help my ADD symptoms.
It seems my ADD symptoms wax and wane over weeks and I'm confused about why. Seems like it ought to be a more constant problem.
kate
This is the end of the thread.
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