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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 14:26:43
Man, I must really be in bad shape. I believe it was JohnL who so eloquently wrote an essay of hope in the above thread to Kathy but This site seems to have done the opposite for me. It has taken my hope away, if I had any to begin with. I see all these people in pain, miserable and not getting any help for it. They have tried every drug out there and psychotherapy, even hospital stays yet, they are still here, still in pain. More join everyday. Simply stating that we're not alone in this just makes me feel more hopeless that I'll get help. If so many can't then I shouldn't bother. I know I'll get some verbal beatings for this point of view but it's how I feel right now. I'm just too out of it to even be on this site, I'll just bring everyone down. I'm sorry. Forget it, just ignore me, not worth your time.
Posted by brian on May 29, 2000, at 15:24:02
In reply to Hope????, posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 14:26:43
> Man, I must really be in bad shape. I believe it was JohnL who so eloquently wrote an essay of hope in the above thread to Kathy but This site seems to have done the opposite for me. It has taken my hope away, if I had any to begin with. I see all these people in pain, miserable and not getting any help for it. They have tried every drug out there and psychotherapy, even hospital stays yet, they are still here, still in pain. More join everyday. Simply stating that we're not alone in this just makes me feel more hopeless that I'll get help. If so many can't then I shouldn't bother. I know I'll get some verbal beatings for this point of view but it's how I feel right now. I'm just too out of it to even be on this site, I'll just bring everyone down. I'm sorry. Forget it, just ignore me, not worth your time.
Tina,
I thought that at first, too. But, scrolling back 6 months to a year and longer, I've noticed that the roster of posters has changed frequently. Hope is believing that many of these people came here, eventually found the help that worked for them, and moved on.
Posted by luna on May 29, 2000, at 16:35:34
In reply to Hope????, posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 14:26:43
>
Tina, I know what you mean. I can feel myself getting sucked back into a very bad place if I read too many stories of people's pain on this board. It can be too overwhelming at times. I think the trick is not to spend too much time here if you feel too vulnerable. Try to limit yourself to a predetermined amount of time per day, and try to make the last post you read be a hopeful one. I know you do your best, Tina, to write cheerful notes, and I'm sure they help some people very much. But that doesn't mean you should ONLY write cheerful notes. Lord, NO!! It's not your duty to make everyone here feel better, you know. And I wish you'd stop thinking you're a bother. You're NOT!
ieve it was JohnL who so eloquently wrote an essay of hope in the above thread to Kathy but This site seems to have done the opposite for me. It has taken my hope away, if I had any to begin with. I see all these people in pain, miserable and not getting any help for it. They have tried every drug out there and psychotherapy, even hospital stays yet, they are still here, still in pain. More join everyday. Simply stating that we're not alone in this just makes me feel more hopeless that I'll get help. If so many can't then I shouldn't bother. I know I'll get some verbal beatings for this point of view but it's how I feel right now. I'm just too out of it to even be on this site, I'll just bring everyone down. I'm sorry. Forget it, just ignore me, not worth your time.
Posted by andrew on May 29, 2000, at 17:44:55
In reply to Hope????, posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 14:26:43
Tina, this board is such a small corner of reality, but it can be like a pheremone, or DNA in a PCR test - one little particle seems to amplify many times over.
All this suffering was going on a long time before our generation got its day in the sun, and its gonna go on long after we are gone. I like hanging out with those who want to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. I say kick it when you can and lay in the sun when you will. As for me, I have black drapes an a few of my walls, but no curtains on my big windows. For what thats worth. Maybe we just talk more here about the downside of things, like a hospital sees more sick people.
- andrew, aka boBB
Posted by gloria on May 29, 2000, at 18:28:11
In reply to Hope????, posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 14:26:43
Tina, you have just read my mind!
Posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 21:35:03
In reply to Re: Hope????, posted by andrew on May 29, 2000, at 17:44:55
You see, I did it again. I never meant to make anyone feel as though they couldn't talk about their feelings, dark, suicidal or otherwise. I'm sorry I made you all think that YOU depress me, you don't. It's just the hopelessness that I see in the world everyday and on this site. There is just too much that needs to be done and no time to do it. I can't do it, fear grips me too tightly. Please go on with your babble without worrying about me, I'm not really worth it, truly. There are people a lot worse off than me (just ask boBB about some of the stuff he knows) I am ashamed of myself, I won't waste your time any longer. Thank you all and I'm sorry.
> Tina, this board is such a small corner of reality, but it can be like a pheremone, or DNA in a PCR test - one little particle seems to amplify many times over.
>
> All this suffering was going on a long time before our generation got its day in the sun, and its gonna go on long after we are gone. I like hanging out with those who want to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. I say kick it when you can and lay in the sun when you will. As for me, I have black drapes an a few of my walls, but no curtains on my big windows. For what thats worth. Maybe we just talk more here about the downside of things, like a hospital sees more sick people.
>
> - andrew, aka boBB
Posted by bob on May 29, 2000, at 22:09:34
In reply to Re: Hope????to everyone, posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 21:35:03
You ask me, Tina1, I say it's no big loss.
My therapist disagrees with me quite strenuously, but it gives us something to talk about. ;^)
Call me Scrooge if you want, but humbug on hope! It's a cheat and a lie, and I'm not having any of it.
Then again, I'm pushing year 30 on when my depression first really kicked into high gear. Among my other curses is a streak of perfectionism balanced with some learned helplessness in just the right measure to keep me from taking any action should I dare to have any dreams.
So I stick to the small stuff and try to change what I can change this day, and I keep my eyes on the day after that. Maybe some would call that hope -- I'd call it a barely perceptible elevation of expectations.
Maybe the thing is, Tina, that when you can't run anymore, you have to start from the beginning and learn how to crawl in a different way, then walk in a different way, and then maybe one day you can run again, in a different way. But that's too many "different ways" ahead for me to see with any clarity.
So, maybe you're not like me and you need hope. But maybe you are like me and can do without it because you need the energy directed elsewhere, for at least a little while. My therapist offered to hold onto some hope for me until I'm ready for it ... I think my friends are doing the same. But quite frankly, I don't have the energy or the will or whatever else it might take to hold it for myself.
Hopeless, and better for it (thank you),
bobPS. Any possible indications that anything in the above statement could be counstrued as being in fact statements demonstrating a belief in a round-about way in hope are the fault of the receiver, and are not in fact the opinion of the author.
Posted by ChrisK on May 30, 2000, at 6:46:21
In reply to Hope????, posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 14:26:43
Tina and others,
There is hope here. I can tell you that I am 100% better today than I was 2 years ago. At that time I was in the hospital after my 2nd suicide attempt in 3 months. I was 'rescued' when an online friend called across the country to ask the local police to look in on me because I was saying good-bye.
Since then I have found the right pdoc for me and have worked at getting the right meds for me. It has taken two years and I am still playing around a little bit but I am far from suicidal.
I have taken suggestions from here and tried out a couple of meds in the last year just because of other people in this community. There is HOPE. I have made it to the point where I can function like a normal person. I am still receiving SSDI for my mental illness but am studying again and hope to be back to work this year.
Don't give up the hope. Just look at the suicide threads recently and realize that a lot of people care and want to reach out and help. There are success stories heree and I can say that I am one of them.
I was in that terrible dark place at one point but now I can appear to be a normal member of society.
Don't give up. There is Hope,
Chris
Posted by medlib on May 30, 2000, at 7:11:50
In reply to Re: Hope? Fuggedabowdit!, posted by bob on May 29, 2000, at 22:09:34
Bob--
I'm really having a banner night! For the first time since high school, insomnia is actually fun. First, Shar called me "sensitive", and now I get to disagree with bob--both in one night! Delightfully unexpected.
Re hope and expectations; I have a hard time believing they're related. My *expectation*, based on >30 years of experience, is that tomorrow will be no better than today. My *hope* is that I'm wrong. (It isn't a very big hope. ;^P )
And I think living in Hope requires something even more difficult for perfectionists than energy or will--it takes RESPECT--for others, and for all the rest of the unknowns which could prove me wrong about tomorrow.
Ever since I realized that my perfectionism was no more than closet egotism, I've been trying to move away from it; Egotism is just too close to Stupidity for comfort. So far, I've found that procrastination is pretty good protection from perfectionism, but its price is so high! I'm still looking for cheaper housing.
Some day I *hope* to make it all the way to Humility. I think Respect is pretty close by there.
On the other hand, maybe your're right, after all. Hope *is* pretty small and far away--maybe I'd better aim for beautiful Eureka, CA. Almost anywhere is bound to be better than where I live now--except, perhaps, New York. (Lived there for a year and almost succeeded at suicide.)
Well, it's gotten light here; the night is over and I'm feeling very round and orange. Guess I'd better turn in.
--a metaphorical medlib
Posted by CarolAnn on May 30, 2000, at 8:36:54
In reply to Hope????, posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 14:26:43
Tina,
A. You are worth our time, or we wouldn't respond to your posts!B. *You*, can't possibly bring us "down", we are already there!
C. "Hope" is all in your perspective. It's a crap shoot, really. A gamble, that on any particular day, something could happen to change things for the better, so we better stick around, just in case, so we don't miss it!
D. I would miss you, if you stopped posting! CarolAnn
Posted by Kath on May 30, 2000, at 11:26:14
In reply to Re: Tina1, posted by CarolAnn on May 30, 2000, at 8:36:54
I'm just new here & had similar misgivings to Tinal's but I realized that once people start really feeling better, they probably don't have the need to visit Psycho-Babble any more, or maybe even the time also. I hope that when I'm feeling better, I'll still visit here sometimes to give the message of Hope.
Please keep us posted, Tinal. I'm seeing that there are very caring people here & it's a safe place to share & feel supported.
Warm thoughts, Kath
Posted by Noa on May 30, 2000, at 13:36:07
In reply to Re: Tinal effects of reading here, posted by Kath on May 30, 2000, at 11:26:14
Tina, I am sorry you are feeling so down.
People on this board sometimes do have successful treatment. Some folks are here only infrequently now, because of feeling better (Racer, Janice, Phil, come to mind, for instance). Me? I am finally feeling better, but I hang around here anyway, because the connection is still helpful to me.
You are in med limbo right now. You just started Serzone, which can make things worse before feeling better. And if it isn't a helpful med for you, there are others to try, and combos to try. I know it is excruciating to live through each depressed moment, but I really do believe there is hope if you keep at the quest.
For me, hope has to be accompanied by a touch of cynicism, as bob demonstrated. I don't think I can buy into the hope of being completely free of depression forever, but a more realistic hope that sees a future in which I can manage because the depression is controlled enough to live a good life, that kind of hope seems very possible.
Posted by Janice on May 31, 2000, at 0:12:13
In reply to Hope????, posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 14:26:43
Hello Tina,
I'm the Janice Medlib mentioned. I got better and it took 6 years since I started seeing a psychiatrist. We can/do get better. What you read here at psychobabble is the slow motion version of someone getting better. It seems on a day to day basis like no one gets better, but we do. Eventually something works.
When I used to come to psychobabble very depressed, I found it a hopeful place. A place where so many determined individuals came to ask questions, get informed, meet others with similar problems. This always gave me lots of hope.
I hope you feel better soon,
Janice (from NS)
Posted by Kath on May 31, 2000, at 7:54:54
In reply to Lots of hope Tina…, posted by Janice on May 31, 2000, at 0:12:13
Thanks Janice for giving the positive encouragement. It means a lot!
Kath
Posted by Kath on May 31, 2000, at 7:59:31
In reply to Re: Hope????to everyone, posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 21:35:03
Hi Tina - I hope you're feeling better; I'm thinking about you.
Kath
Posted by Tom on June 2, 2000, at 11:41:14
In reply to Hope????, posted by Tina1 on May 29, 2000, at 14:26:43
> Man, I must really be in bad shape. I believe it was JohnL who so eloquently wrote an essay of hope in the above thread to Kathy but This site seems to have done the opposite for me. It has taken my hope away, if I had any to begin with. I see all these people in pain, miserable and not getting any help for it. They have tried every drug out there and psychotherapy, even hospital stays yet, they are still here, still in pain. More join everyday. Simply stating that we're not alone in this just makes me feel more hopeless that I'll get help. If so many can't then I shouldn't bother. I know I'll get some verbal beatings for this point of view but it's how I feel right now. I'm just too out of it to even be on this site, I'll just bring everyone down. I'm sorry. Forget it, just ignore me, not worth your time.
Tina,
I know exactly how you feel. I do enjoy coming to this site, but I do get the feeling that successful treatment for all babblers is few and far between (myself included!). I take everything I read here with a grain of salt. We are all on our own journey, and right now we're all just ships passing in the night (well, a few nights). So, ultimately you are on your own. Look to your friends (the physical ones), family, doctors, therapists, etc. first. Then come here for your group therapy.
Good luck
This is the end of the thread.
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