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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Vesper on February 22, 2000, at 1:41:19
I responded to some posts about me, but I don't have the memory or energy to remember what I said or responded to. I know they were insightful...not mine yours. I can't explain anything very well to anyone, so I don't say anything much(to my therapist, etc.) I think about suicide all the time, I can't stop cutting myself, I took an overdose. Tomorrow I see my therapist and I dontknow what to say. It just hurts really bad inside and I want it to stop. I'm so so tired of struggling to keep myself alive and functioning, for the benefit of others. I certainly don't want to exist. I didn't ask to exist, why should I have any responsibility to maintain that existence? I'm sorry to be so negative, I just cant seem to climb out of this hole. My mom is dying and I can't afford to go with my sister to see her I just want to end this! well, whatever. I'm telling this to a machine. How odd. Well, I have to go bleed some more before bed. Thank you for your concern everyone, I wish I could make up my mind what to do. I really do.
At the risk of being ridiculed, I will also say that I have an intolerable gender situation going too. If I think about it, I have to say I'm a lesbian. However, i am male, so that is a problem. ha ha, the joke's on me. anybody got a couple hundred thousand to correct the mistake? didnt think so. another nail in the coffin.
I have to stop posting my ludicrous problems. It does make me a little happier when I see a new post. am I posting for attention? I dont know. tell me to shut up and I will
vesper
wish me luck tomorrow, maybe for some reason I will be able to tell my therapist the truth, although I doubt it.
Posted by medlib on February 22, 2000, at 3:03:11
In reply to pathetic vesper update, posted by Vesper on February 22, 2000, at 1:41:19
Vesper-
Sounds like things are already as bad as they can get--so you have nothing to lose by telling your therapist the truth.
You don't have to be eloquent; just say, "I can't stand hurting this bad any more." He/she will take it from there.
We CARE; DON'T stop posting.
medlib> I responded to some posts about me, but I don't have the memory or energy to remember what I said or responded to. I know they were insightful...not mine yours. I can't explain anything very well to anyone, so I don't say anything much(to my therapist, etc.) I think about suicide all the time, I can't stop cutting myself, I took an overdose. Tomorrow I see my therapist and I dontknow what to say. It just hurts really bad inside and I want it to stop. I'm so so tired of struggling to keep myself alive and functioning, for the benefit of others. I certainly don't want to exist. I didn't ask to exist, why should I have any responsibility to maintain that existence? I'm sorry to be so negative, I just cant seem to climb out of this hole. My mom is dying and I can't afford to go with my sister to see her I just want to end this! well, whatever. I'm telling this to a machine. How odd. Well, I have to go bleed some more before bed. Thank you for your concern everyone, I wish I could make up my mind what to do. I really do.
> At the risk of being ridiculed, I will also say that I have an intolerable gender situation going too. If I think about it, I have to say I'm a lesbian. However, i am male, so that is a problem. ha ha, the joke's on me. anybody got a couple hundred thousand to correct the mistake? didnt think so. another nail in the coffin.
> I have to stop posting my ludicrous problems. It does make me a little happier when I see a new post. am I posting for attention? I dont know. tell me to shut up and I will
> vesper
> wish me luck tomorrow, maybe for some reason I will be able to tell my therapist the truth, although I doubt it.
Posted by Janet on February 22, 2000, at 4:05:42
In reply to Re: pathetic vesper update, posted by medlib on February 22, 2000, at 3:03:11
> Vesper-
> Sounds like things are already as bad as they can get--so you have nothing to lose by telling your therapist the truth.
> You don't have to be eloquent; just say, "I can't stand hurting this bad any more." He/she will take it from there.
> We CARE; DON'T stop posting.
> medlib
>
>
>
> > I responded to some posts about me, but I don't have the memory or energy to remember what I said or responded to. I know they were insightful...not mine yours. I can't explain anything very well to anyone, so I don't say anything much(to my therapist, etc.) I think about suicide all the time, I can't stop cutting myself, I took an overdose. Tomorrow I see my therapist and I dontknow what to say. It just hurts really bad inside and I want it to stop. I'm so so tired of struggling to keep myself alive and functioning, for the benefit of others. I certainly don't want to exist. I didn't ask to exist, why should I have any responsibility to maintain that existence? I'm sorry to be so negative, I just cant seem to climb out of this hole. My mom is dying and I can't afford to go with my sister to see her I just want to end this! well, whatever. I'm telling this to a machine. How odd. Well, I have to go bleed some more before bed. Thank you for your concern everyone, I wish I could make up my mind what to do. I really do.
> > At the risk of being ridiculed, I will also say that I have an intolerable gender situation going too. If I think about it, I have to say I'm a lesbian. However, i am male, so that is a problem. ha ha, the joke's on me. anybody got a couple hundred thousand to correct the mistake? didnt think so. another nail in the coffin.
> > I have to stop posting my ludicrous problems. It does make me a little happier when I see a new post. am I posting for attention? I dont know. tell me to shut up and I will
> > vesper
> > wish me luck tomorrow, maybe for some reason I will be able to tell my therapist the truth, although I doubt it.We care . Best of luck tomorrow. Keep us posted. Janet
Posted by Noa on February 22, 2000, at 7:34:16
In reply to Re: pathetic vesper update, posted by Janet on February 22, 2000, at 4:05:42
> > Vesper-
Yes, we do care. I know it is hard for you to see the possibility that there might be hope for a better future, but it is there.I have thought the same thout about "I didn't ask to be here...."
I really believe a hospitalization can help you get over this crisis.
And, what about hooking up with a group dealing with gender issues? I know they are out there. There are loads of people struggling with gender issues, and it must be so painful, because of the cultural taboos and all. You need support from other people who have been through similar struggles. Ask your therapist to help you find such a group.
Is this the stuff you were reluctant to talk about that you felt UCLA was coercing you to talk about?
I am glad you are part of this community. Keep on posting. And, please, keep yourself safe.
Posted by CarolAnn on February 22, 2000, at 8:32:22
In reply to pathetic vesper update, posted by Vesper on February 22, 2000, at 1:41:19
Vesper, you're on the verge of ending it all, you've got nothing to lose by telling everything to anyone who can help you. I also have the problem of not being good at explaining things, so I write it all down, giving myself the time I need to get the words right. Your Therapist needs to know how serious things are with you. Think of it as going to a doctor. With a doctor you bare your body, with a Therapist you bare your soul, there is no shame in either of those. I am praying for you. Bless you. CarolAnn
Posted by Janice on February 22, 2000, at 18:41:47
In reply to pathetic vesper update, posted by Vesper on February 22, 2000, at 1:41:19
Hello Vesper (nice name),
Not to make light of your very serious situation vesper, I have found myself very amused while I was reading your threads. The way you say some of the things that you say is very original. I bet you are fun to be with, and full of humour when your brain clears up a bit.
I remember coming out of the hospital and after telling my gay friend my diagnosis, he said that they were wrong, and I was actually a 'very campy fag stuffed inside a woman's body'.
More seriously though, I wouldn't worry too much about your intolerable gender situation. I was also convinced while I was in a very bad situation that I was a lesbian (I am currently living in a woman's body, so it wouldn't have costed me anything).
As it turns out though, my brain was just playing tricks on me, and I am simply a very campy fag stuffed inside a woman's body.
I am posting Vesper because I'm hoping that seeing this post to you makes you feel a little better.
If you want me to call your therapist to let her/him know what kind of shape you are in, PLEASE, give me her/his name and number and I gladly will.take care (sounds kind of dumb here), Janice
Posted by bob on February 22, 2000, at 19:00:38
In reply to Re: pathetic vesper update, posted by CarolAnn on February 22, 2000, at 8:32:22
You know, there was an article in Out last year or so about "Dyke Dudes" or something like that ... my best friend (yep, she's a lesbian) laughed and laughed about it and had to send it to me. Back when we were living in the same city (grad school) and my friends were basically her crowd, the "in" joke was to ask me what I thought about some woman passing by -- if I found her attractive, they said that was a sure indication she was a sister. Even funnier -- we have the same taste in women ... well, ALMOST. Too many simultaneous cases of doubletake-whiplash between the two of us.
Just go to the hospital, Vesper. Pick one friend you can trust to help you follow through. Yeah, if the person really is a friend, they've gotta know just how much you are hurting and are probably worried sick about wanting to help without stepping on your toes.
As you can see, tho, we have no such compunctions around here.
Go get fulltime help. You need it. More importantly, you just need the rest! You're probably so tied up by trying to hide what you feel from everyone around you, you have nothing left to fight the good fight. So put yourself in a place where they know how you feel and they want to help.
Stop trying to do it all yourself. I've said it before, I'll say it again: the ultimate sign that you are in control is when you can give it to someone else. Cutting is one way to take control of the pain. So is getting 24/7 attention to your needs.
Yes, you deserve it, and yes, you need it. Especially if your mother is so ill. Give yourself the opportunity to pull things together so you can be your best when you need to.
And when you *do* go in (PLEASE), leave us a note before you go. Funny as it may seem, "talking to a computer", we all know there are real people at the other end of the line who have walked or are walking the same paths, fight the same beasts, and that builds a connection no technology can lesson. Don't go in and leave us hanging -- there are too many people here who care too much to hear nothing from you without warning.
Now,
(1)reply to this message, saying that you're on your way
(2)call that friend
(3)get yourself admittedand get better,
bob
Posted by Noa on February 22, 2000, at 19:04:54
In reply to Re: pathetic vesper update, posted by bob on February 22, 2000, at 19:00:38
and 4) or is it 5)?
--come back to us after you get out of the hospital.
Posted by vesper on February 22, 2000, at 20:12:08
In reply to Re: pathetic vesper update, posted by Janice on February 22, 2000, at 18:41:47
> Hello Vesper (nice name),
>
> Not to make light of your very serious situation vesper, I have found myself very amused while I was reading your threads. The way you say some of the things that you say is very original. I bet you are fun to be with, and full of humour when your brain clears up a bit.
>
> I remember coming out of the hospital and after telling my gay friend my diagnosis, he said that they were wrong, and I was actually a 'very campy fag stuffed inside a woman's body'.
>
> More seriously though, I wouldn't worry too much about your intolerable gender situation. I was also convinced while I was in a very bad situation that I was a lesbian (I am currently living in a woman's body, so it wouldn't have costed me anything).
>
> As it turns out though, my brain was just playing tricks on me, and I am simply a very campy fag stuffed inside a woman's body.
>
> I am posting Vesper because I'm hoping that seeing this post to you makes you feel a little better.
>
> If you want me to call your therapist to let her/him know what kind of shape you are in, PLEASE, give me her/his name and number and I gladly will.
>
> take care (sounds kind of dumb here), Janice
I don't know your email address Janice!
I kinda told my therapist today (kinda being the key unword here) but I can't bring myself to say how bad it really is, I just can't. I'm so afraid of the hospital...I suppose someone else telling it for me would be ok, I don't know. I printed out my last post, maybe I should mail it to my psychiatrist or whomever..?
Posted by janet on February 22, 2000, at 20:25:46
In reply to Re: pathetic vesper update, posted by vesper on February 22, 2000, at 20:12:08
> > Hello Vesper (nice name),
> >
> > Not to make light of your very serious situation vesper, I have found myself very amused while I was reading your threads. The way you say some of the things that you say is very original. I bet you are fun to be with, and full of humour when your brain clears up a bit.
> >
> > I remember coming out of the hospital and after telling my gay friend my diagnosis, he said that they were wrong, and I was actually a 'very campy fag stuffed inside a woman's body'.
> >
> > More seriously though, I wouldn't worry too much about your intolerable gender situation. I was also convinced while I was in a very bad situation that I was a lesbian (I am currently living in a woman's body, so it wouldn't have costed me anything).
> >
> > As it turns out though, my brain was just playing tricks on me, and I am simply a very campy fag stuffed inside a woman's body.
> >
> > I am posting Vesper because I'm hoping that seeing this post to you makes you feel a little better.
> >
> > If you want me to call your therapist to let her/him know what kind of shape you are in, PLEASE, give me her/his name and number and I gladly will.
> >
> > take care (sounds kind of dumb here), Janice
> I don't know your email address Janice!
> I kinda told my therapist today (kinda being the key unword here) but I can't bring myself to say how bad it really is, I just can't. I'm so afraid of the hospital...I suppose someone else telling it for me would be ok, I don't know. I printed out my last post, maybe I should mail it to my psychiatrist or whomever..?
Sounds like a good idea to me. Jan
Posted by Noa on February 22, 2000, at 20:32:04
In reply to Re: pathetic vesper update, posted by janet on February 22, 2000, at 20:25:46
If you trust them to know, but are too uncomfortable to tell, writing is a perfect option. When I was younger, I wrote a lot to my therapist, because I couldn't bear to bring things up verbally. It broke the ice on a lot of important topics.
Posted by Janice on February 22, 2000, at 20:58:57
In reply to Re: pathetic vesper update, posted by vesper on February 22, 2000, at 20:12:08
> I don't know your email address Janice!
hi Vesper,
My e-mail address is janicedoucette@hotmail.com
Please e-mail me as this is a very simple request for me to accomplish, and you will let me think I am helping someone who sounds like a kind and gentle soul. I don't get to do that very often!Don't forget the area code, and name, of your therapist. Janice
I'll call them in the morning Vesper.
The more I feel, the less I talk...so I can relate to your lack of words.
Posted by Renee N on February 22, 2000, at 23:27:29
In reply to Re: pathetic vesper update, posted by Janice on February 22, 2000, at 20:58:57
> > I don't know your email address Janice!
>
> hi Vesper,
> My e-mail address is janicedoucette@hotmail.com
> Please e-mail me as this is a very simple request for me to accomplish, and you will let me think I am helping someone who sounds like a kind and gentle soul. I don't get to do that very often!
>
> Don't forget the area code, and name, of your therapist. Janice
>
> I'll call them in the morning Vesper.
>
> The more I feel, the less I talk...so I can relate to your lack of words.
Vesper,
I'm so glad to see you and Janice have found a waay to get you the help you so desperately need right now. I am wishing that it will set you on your way to wellness. Renee N
Posted by Noa on February 23, 2000, at 16:18:33
In reply to Re: pathetic vesper update, posted by Renee N on February 22, 2000, at 23:27:29
where are you, and are you ok today? Janice, can you fill us in?
Posted by Janice on February 23, 2000, at 17:30:27
In reply to Re: VESPER?, posted by Noa on February 23, 2000, at 16:18:33
Thanks for taking that pathetic off Noa. He is very sweet and humourous.
I called his therapist this morning, and told her what Vesper said I could - that I could refer to his postings to let her know what was going on and his concerns about which Ward he would be on (he really was scared to be on one of the wards).
Anyway, she must have called him right away because Vespered e-mailed me to say that she had called, and that he was a bit caught off guard. She wanted him to go to the emergency room to get his cuts checked out right away, and to sign into the hospital.
Vesper said his father also called, and was going to call him back shortly. Vesper also said that his friend, from another state, was coming to stay with him until he went to the hospital (his plans were to settle his friend in, then go to the hospital Thursday afternoon).
I haven't heard from him since about noon and, at that time, he was expecting his friend to arrive at any moment. He was already sounding a bit better.
I hope things keep getting better for him.
Janice
Posted by Noa on February 23, 2000, at 18:30:08
In reply to Vesper Update ..., posted by Janice on February 23, 2000, at 17:30:27
well, unless I am being overly optimistic, it seems he is availing himself of some of his support resources: you, his therapist, his father, and his friend. This is a good sign.
Janice you are great.
Posted by Craig on February 24, 2000, at 1:45:48
In reply to Vesper Update ..., posted by Janice on February 23, 2000, at 17:30:27
Janice, you are one in a million! Your generosity and compassion for someone you've never even met is something I'm not likely to forget. You sound like someone who doesn't stand around waiting to see what will happen; you assess the situation and make a thoughtful plan of action. Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe you live outside the United States, so it must have been an international call you made to Vesper's therapist. With your intervention on Vesper's life, he must know now that you (and other Babblers) care about what happens to him. I admire you greatly.
--------------------------------------------------
> Thanks for taking that pathetic off Noa. He is very sweet and humourous.
>
> I called his therapist this morning, and told her what Vesper said I could - that I could refer to his postings to let her know what was going on and his concerns about which Ward he would be on (he really was scared to be on one of the wards).
>
> Anyway, she must have called him right away because Vespered e-mailed me to say that she had called, and that he was a bit caught off guard. She wanted him to go to the emergency room to get his cuts checked out right away, and to sign into the hospital.
>
> Vesper said his father also called, and was going to call him back shortly. Vesper also said that his friend, from another state, was coming to stay with him until he went to the hospital (his plans were to settle his friend in, then go to the hospital Thursday afternoon).
>
> I haven't heard from him since about noon and, at that time, he was expecting his friend to arrive at any moment. He was already sounding a bit better.
>
> I hope things keep getting better for him.
>
> Janice
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 24, 2000, at 2:12:04
In reply to Re: Vesper Update ..., posted by Noa on February 23, 2000, at 18:30:08
> Janice you are great.
You guys are all great. Keep up the good work!
Bob
This is the end of the thread.
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