![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kathleen on February 10, 2000, at 13:15:14
i would appreciate some help...
i am deeply in love with a man who is a diagnosed bi-polar/peter pan complex. he sees his psychiatrist one per week but refuses to take his meds. most of the time he is good to deal with - but then there are times when he is depressed, anxious, annoyed... the hardest part of life with him is that every single situation is always "all about him" instead of something that may affect others. he can be supremely insensitive to others' feelings...
because i love this man, because i would like to try to build a life with him, i am wondering what i can do to make life easier for him. i listen when he talks. i hear what he says and i know in my heart that he suffers - i am there for him when he needs me. can i make his life easier? please help!
Posted by Cam W. on February 10, 2000, at 14:32:13
In reply to living with someone who is bi-polar/peter pan, posted by kathleen on February 10, 2000, at 13:15:14
> i would appreciate some help...
> i am deeply in love with a man who is a diagnosed bi-polar/peter pan complex. he sees his psychiatrist one per week but refuses to take his meds. most of the time he is good to deal with - but then there are times when he is depressed, anxious, annoyed... the hardest part of life with him is that every single situation is always "all about him" instead of something that may affect others. he can be supremely insensitive to others' feelings...
> because i love this man, because i would like to try to build a life with him, i am wondering what i can do to make life easier for him. i listen when he talks. i hear what he says and i know in my heart that he suffers - i am there for him when he needs me. can i make his life easier? please help!Kathleen - Your boyfriend has to come to terms with his illness. You will not be able to make him realize that his disorder is for life. A major problem in bipolar disorder is compliance with therapy. The medications have problems: side effects, loss of the energy (or high), being controlled by medications, are a few. Another problem can be the denial of the disorder. Unless one is ultrarapid cycling, the thought of taking medications for the occational manic or depressive episode can seem silly. The problem is that with every episode, the next episode can occur sooner and last longer. This is known as the kindling effect. One in three people who are compliant with their medication never have another episode, while those who are non-compliant will, more than likely, have another episode. This may not happen in a week or a month, but it will probably occur, as you have seen. Your boyfriend needs to come to terms with his illness. It is like having diabetes, he has to take medication for life to prevent getting worse. His lifestyle has to change or he will eventually crash. This can only be done through education about the disorder, support (yours and psychotherapy), and by a simple, but effective pharmacological treatment regimen. Talk to his doctor and tell him/her of your boyfriend's non-compliance if you think the doc does not know. All you can do is point out how much better a person he is while on the medication and give him support in the down times. Others in this room probably have more advise than I can give, but I hope this helps. Sincerely - Cam W.
Posted by CarolAnn on February 10, 2000, at 15:00:12
In reply to living with someone who is bi-polar/peter pan, posted by kathleen on February 10, 2000, at 13:15:14
CamW is right, the psychiatrist needs to know what is going on, and can also tell you the best ways to be supportive.
My advise is this: BE supportive, tell your boyfriend you will stand by him and try to help him, BUT...set a firm deadline by which he must be actively trying to help himself, and stick by it! Otherwise, he will keep stringing you along with promises that he is "going to do better...". You don't want to waste too much of your life on someone who won't even try, it's not worth it, and you will regret everything you missed in life.
Along with the deadline, tell him that if at any point he slips back into his old ways and stops trying, he gets exactly ONE more chance. Make sure that you tell him these things in a way that he will definitely know that you mean business. For example: if there are specific plans that would need to be made in order for you to leave him, outline for him exactly *how* and *what* you are going to do if he does not comply with the above, if you do end up having to leave him. Please don't waste years of your life hoping he will change, if he hasn't changed by the time he asks for a SECOND chance, he never will, don't even bother giving a second chance. CarolAnn
Posted by Noa on February 10, 2000, at 17:52:48
In reply to living with someone who is bi-polar/peter pan, posted by kathleen on February 10, 2000, at 13:15:14
OY.
The reason I say "oy" is that I got a yucky feeling in my gut when I read your post.
I cannot begin to think I know what you should do.
BUT. The following stands out:
every single situation is always "all about him" instead of something that may affect others. he can be supremely insensitive to others' feelings...
i am there for him when he needs me.What are YOUR needs? Does he show any awareness of them? Can he give YOU what YOU want?
From what I have observed, "project" relationships don't end up being fullfilling ones.
Posted by Victoria on February 10, 2000, at 20:55:17
In reply to Re: living with someone who is bi-polar/peter pan, posted by Noa on February 10, 2000, at 17:52:48
> OY.
>
> The reason I say "oy" is that I got a yucky feeling in my gut when I read your post.
>
> I cannot begin to think I know what you should do.
>
> BUT. The following stands out:
>
> every single situation is always "all about him" instead of something that may affect others. he can be supremely insensitive to others' feelings...
> i am there for him when he needs me.
Kathleen: I identify with you torn emotions. The love of my life was moderately bi-polar and my niece is extreme with psychosis, so I have seen a range, and worked for over two years to get help for my neice survive. They both ultimately elected to avoid the disorder and my niece is barely still alive. Essentially, when they're fully cognitive of the depth and breadth of what your saying (i.e., get help or I'll leave) they can comply or try to, but there is no assurance when they are in the extreme swings of mania or depression that they can follow up. Very frequently, it requires an emergency visit to a mental health lock up before they recognize the seriousness of the disorder (unsafe to themselves or others, including drug/alcohol use -the prefered med). Unless they 1st recognize and strain to committ themselves to treatment which is often wrought with miserable side effects from the various drugs they will have to experiment with over a long period of time to find the right combo, there will never be an end in sight. Just a lot of agonizing heart ache for them and yourself and most of the time they won't even be aware that you are suffering for or with them. Their ego is all that exists, hence there is no one else to be concerned about, they don't do that intentionally, it is part of the disorder. Using reason i.e., thinking of others is not often even within the realm of their reality. Not until they find meds that assist them, it is not by will power or self control. I wish you a tremendous amount of strength and the ability to know when to let go when you see someone you love waivering on a (life threatening) precipice. To help may be the hardest thing you have ever done for a loved one or yourself, the hardest part being to let the person be who he is and move on.
>
>
Posted by Janice on February 10, 2000, at 22:32:19
In reply to living with someone who is bi-polar/peter pan, posted by kathleen on February 10, 2000, at 13:15:14
hi kathleen,
I'm bipolar, and get this:
I'm educated about this disorder
I'm a rapid cycler
I was living with a medical doctor
I even like taking pills (for the most part)and I still went off the medication, twice! I can barely believe this myself, and cannot explain it!
i was always hardest on my boyfriend. i would really put that man through the ringer! Manic depressive are gifted at (what i call) psychological warfare. I couldn't not do it, and i always won.
Of course, many times I was entertaining, gentle and charming. It's almost as if our good and bad qualites have a much greater range than most other people.
If you do decide to continue to see him, I would insist that he take his medication every day.
maybe you could sprinkle his lithium on his mashed potatoes at dinner time, or something.
sorry, I don't know what you mean by Peter pan, but I'm guessing it's not good if it's showed up on this board.
I wish you all the luck. It very kind of you to be so concerned about this other person. I doubt he would appreciate you kathleen. Janice
Posted by Bruce on February 11, 2000, at 10:05:16
In reply to Re: living with someone who is bi-polar/peter pan, posted by Noa on February 10, 2000, at 17:52:48
> OY.
>
> The reason I say "oy" is that I got a yucky feeling in my gut when I read your post.
>
> I cannot begin to think I know what you should do.
>
> BUT. The following stands out:
>
> every single situation is always "all about him" instead of something that may affect others. he can be supremely insensitive to others' feelings...
> i am there for him when he needs me.
>
> What are YOUR needs? Does he show any awareness of them? Can he give YOU what YOU want?
>
> From what I have observed, "project" relationships don't end up being fullfilling ones.
Posted by Noa on February 12, 2000, at 16:11:13
In reply to Well said, Noa. Find someone else, Kathleen (EOM), posted by Bruce on February 11, 2000, at 10:05:16
Kathleen, did we scare you away? Sorry.
Posted by kathleen on February 14, 2000, at 11:51:30
In reply to Well said, Noa. Find someone else, Kathleen (EOM), posted by Bruce on February 11, 2000, at 10:05:16
to all the people who took the time to answer my questions - i appreciate your comments from the bottom of my heart... so let me respond -
i am not a masochist and i know that life with this guy is not always going to be easy. but, despite the fact that he does not want to take the meds, i will stay with him because i do love him.
let me explain -the moment i met this man (and i mean the actual nano-second) the sky lit up, the earth spun and i knew at the precise moment that if there was anything that could really be called destiny, this was it. that was almost 2 years ago. at times, life is like a rollercoaster. but what i have done is this - when he feels sad and down i let him feel that way. it is not my place to try to convince him that he's not sad. if he is feeling this, then he needs to work through it - and to know that if he wants me, i'm there for him. he tried the meds. it was awful. and truthfully, i can't blame him for not wanting to take them... and as selfish and self-center
Posted by Janice on February 16, 2000, at 23:51:39
In reply to Re: living with someone bi-polar - kathleen's resp, posted by kathleen on February 14, 2000, at 11:51:30
hi,
I thought for certain we scared you off - if not off your man, for certain off this board.
Since my last posting to you, I spoke with the man I lived with, prior to me taking my medications. Anyway, he does not remember me quite as badly as I remember myself. In fact, he didn't even remember my 'psychological warfare'!
But manic depression is biology. He will be sad because his biology makes him sad; no amount of talking will take his sadness away; He will 'make up' or 'create' reasons as to why he is sad - work, childhood problems, fights with friends, sometimes it may be you. But really he is sad because of his biology, and it's easy to find something to blame your sadness on. It is also a progressive illness, so he will get worse, not better, as time goes on.
He is a very lucky person Kathleen!
Please remember that there are many different types of medications for bipolar disorder, and he could find one that doesn't make him sick.
Good luck and make sure to take care of yourself, Janice
Posted by kathleen on February 17, 2000, at 11:32:55
In reply to Kathleen, , posted by Janice on February 16, 2000, at 23:51:39
dear janice,
thank you for your letter. there is very little that scares me off... it's funny - he said to me "life with me is like a roller coaster ride" and my response? "i always liked the carnival". so, i will stay close, be there when he needs me and take care not to get caught up in what he goes through because i too have a life - and mine is important. we are able to talk, to communicate. we are able to share good as well as bad. and we do have (for the most part) a good life together. maybe it will last and maybe it won't - but for me, the sun will still come up tomorrow...
thanks again, i truly appreciate it!kathleen
Posted by Nancy Blanchard on October 26, 2000, at 8:31:09
In reply to Re: living with someone who is bi-polar/peter pan, posted by Noa on February 10, 2000, at 17:52:48
I can't get to the last 3 links. I get the
"Not Found" box. ?????????????I also live with a bi-polar and would like as much
info./support/solutions as possible. I'm tired
of walking on eggshells and having to hold it in
until I can come up with a way to present something
to him that won't set him off!!!! HELP!!!!!
Posted by R.Anne on October 28, 2000, at 15:31:02
In reply to Re: living with someone who is bi-polar, posted by Nancy Blanchard on October 26, 2000, at 8:31:09
> I can't get to the last 3 links. I get the
> "Not Found" box. ?????????????
>
> I also live with a bi-polar and would like as much
> info./support/solutions as possible. I'm tired
> of walking on eggshells and having to hold it in
> until I can come up with a way to present something
> to him that won't set him off!!!! HELP!!!!!******
I'm not sure but I think you would get more responses on the Psychosocialbabble board-you can get to it from the link at the top of the page. Good luck and sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Perhaps you might seek a support group for people who have mental illness in the family?
Posted by coral on October 31, 2000, at 11:09:17
In reply to Re: living with someone who is bi-polar, posted by R.Anne on October 28, 2000, at 15:31:02
You might try www.depressionfallout.com
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Medication | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.