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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Joanne on December 31, 1999, at 6:53:51
I've read several posts where some of you function extremely well on the outside, a.k.a. university classes, careers, professions..all those things in life many people (including me :) want. Although my depression is stabilized through the Wellbutrin/Ativan/Ambien/Sonata combo, it is still very difficult for me to commit to almost ANYTHING unless it's the spur of the moment. I rarely make plans in advance because I don't know if I'll be able to keep the commitment...depends how I feel that day! Anything from 'having lunch with a friend' to going to classes at the right time on the right day...terrify me. Is this just a social problem I have which has nothing to do with depression? (lack of being able to commit and do something. Girls I work with take 5 classes at college, raise kids, a husband, and a home, hold down a full time job, and they function perfectly well. I can barely make it to one class each day faithfully. Any advice? Maybe this is where I need to talk to my theraist. Anway, just seeing if anyone else out there has this problem. Doesn't seem like it, but if anyone does, I'd appreciate any help. Thanks, and Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!Love, Joanne
Posted by Scott L. Schofield on December 31, 1999, at 14:19:03
In reply to Pursuing "Life" while still recovering , posted by Joanne on December 31, 1999, at 6:53:51
> I've read several posts where some of you function extremely well on the outside, a.k.a. university classes, careers, professions..all those things in life many people (including me :) want. Although my depression is stabilized through the Wellbutrin/Ativan/Ambien/Sonata combo, it is still very difficult for me to commit to almost ANYTHING unless it's the spur of the moment. I rarely make plans in advance because I don't know if I'll be able to keep the commitment...depends how I feel that day! Anything from
'having lunch with a friend' to going to classes at the right time on the right day...terrify me.It’s a lonely place to be.
> Is this just a social problem I have which has nothing to do with depression? (lack of being able to commit and do something. Girls I work with take 5 classes at college, raise kids, a husband, and a home, hold down a full time job, and they function perfectly well. I can barely make it to one class each day faithfully. Any advice? Maybe this is where I need to talk to my theraist. Anway, just seeing if anyone else out there has this problem. Doesn't seem like it, but if anyone does, I'd appreciate any help. Thanks, and Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!Love, Joanne
How do they do it?
During my brief glimpses of remission, most of which having lasted for only a few days, life seemed like such an easy and exciting place to be. I didn’t have to push myself to do anything. Even dental flossing was pretty cool. I was very gregarious and very self-confident. I had enough energy to do whatever I wanted.
Then came relapse into severe depression. There is a sort of timeless about depression. It seems like it has no beginning and no end. It is hard to retain and acknowledge the memories of how easy and enjoyable life can be without it. Memory tends to be state-specific anyway. After being depressed for long enough, it doesn’t seem possible to me that people can actually do the things they do. I feel like a lonely, sole Neanderthal trying to live in the modern world.
When nothing else in the world seems positive enough to rationalize remaining in it, I try to recognize that I *have* had good periods during which I *knew* that everything could be good (or at least better). However, I cannot necessarily remember the experience. I can only know that I had one. I can’t remember how it felt. I can’t remember how it tasted. I can’t remember me.
I doubt that this will help any, but I hope it allows you to feel less alone.
- Scott
Posted by Cn. Michele on December 31, 1999, at 23:37:54
In reply to Re: Pursuing "Life" while still recovering , posted by Scott L. Schofield on December 31, 1999, at 14:19:03
>
> > I've read several posts where some of you function extremely well on the outside, a.k.a. university classes, careers, professions..all those things in life many people (including me :) want. Although my depression is stabilized through the Wellbutrin/Ativan/Ambien/Sonata combo, it is still very difficult for me to commit to almost ANYTHING unless it's the spur of the moment. I rarely make plans in advance because I don't know if I'll be able to keep the commitment...depends how I feel that day! Anything from
> 'having lunch with a friend' to going to classes at the right time on the right day...terrify me.
>
> It’s a lonely place to be.
>
> > Is this just a social problem I have which has nothing to do with depression? (lack of being able to commit and do something. Girls I work with take 5 classes at college, raise kids, a husband, and a home, hold down a full time job, and they function perfectly well. I can barely make it to one class each day faithfully. Any advice? Maybe this is where I need to talk to my theraist. Anway, just seeing if anyone else out there has this problem. Doesn't seem like it, but if anyone does, I'd appreciate any help. Thanks, and Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!Love, Joanne
>
> How do they do it?
>
> During my brief glimpses of remission, most of which having lasted for only a few days, life seemed like such an easy and exciting place to be. I didn’t have to push myself to do anything. Even dental flossing was pretty cool. I was very gregarious and very self-confident. I had enough energy to do whatever I wanted.
>
> Then came relapse into severe depression. There is a sort of timeless about depression. It seems like it has no beginning and no end. It is hard to retain and acknowledge the memories of how easy and enjoyable life can be without it. Memory tends to be state-specific anyway. After being depressed for long enough, it doesn’t seem possible to me that people can actually do the things they do. I feel like a lonely, sole Neanderthal trying to live in the modern world.
>
> When nothing else in the world seems positive enough to rationalize remaining in it, I try to recognize that I *have* had good periods during which I *knew* that everything could be good (or at least better). However, I cannot necessarily remember the experience. I can only know that I had one. I can’t remember how it felt. I can’t remember how it tasted. I can’t remember me.
>
> I doubt that this will help any, but I hope it allows you to feel less alone.
>
>
> - ScottI can relate profoundly to everything you say. I am in a state right now in which I am not the woman I was 2 years ago - alright, none of us are the people we were 2 years ago but I am talking about a loss of personality, drive, will. Everything is an effort and requires a huge amount of willpower. I have a 16 year old daughter and she is the reason and sometimes the only reason I get up and work. I used to run long distance (15 years) sew, work, run house. God, this is hell on earth, no doubt. My heart goes out to you Scott and all of us here so tormented.
Thank you for sharing your feelings here - it has meant A WHOLE LOT to me. I am not alone now.
Cn. Michele
Posted by noa on January 1, 2000, at 9:45:02
In reply to Re: Pursuing "Life" while still recovering , posted by Cn. Michele on December 31, 1999, at 23:37:54
This topic stirs up so much emotion for me. Yes, I have managed to maintain a professional job, but I think it is because I have channelled every ounce of energy I have into my job, and have neglected my personal life so profoundly. Even so, these last few bouts of depression have indeed had an impact on my professional life. At the moment, I am so very fortunate to have a supervisor and co-workers who have been extremely supportive and have given me tons of leeway to get through the past month or so with minimal productivity. Even this is not easy to sit with, as I am self conscious about the extra slack I have been given and am worried about the fact that my work has been so minimal. And there are things I "should" or could be doing to enhance my professional development but have not had the energy.
I guess one of the things I have been working on is to give myself a break and not have such pressured expectations. Not that they are unusually pressured, but they are pressured for ME. I am grieving "what might have been", but given the struggles I have with double depression, I have to go at a more slow, relaxed pace than my peers. It is just a fact of life for me.
As for my personal life, well that has been neglected so profoundly. My apartment is falling apart because of how disgustingly dirty and in disarray it is. I have lost touch over the past few years with close friends. I used to be an excellent correspondent, keeping in touch with friends all over the world. But I let so many friendships wither. I have started to get in contact with a few of them, but it is hard.
So, indeed, you are certainly not alone.
Posted by JohnL on January 1, 2000, at 12:45:01
In reply to Re: Pursuing "Life" while still recovering , posted by noa on January 1, 2000, at 9:45:02
> This topic stirs up so much emotion for me. Yes, I have managed to maintain a professional job, but I think it is because I have channelled every ounce of energy I have into my job, and have neglected my personal life so profoundly.
>
Me too. I think what we are experiencing is what they call "residual symptoms". In other words, we have not achieved euthymia or full remission of the depression. There are still remaining symptoms that act as handicaps where there were none prior to depression. I have graduated from severe depression to melancholic dysthymia. Obvisouly not well yet. But functioning. And thus the obvious difficulties in keeping up with friends, errands, etc. I have a stack of mail from months ago still in a huge pile. The bills get paid, but the rest just grow in a pile for me to some day sort through. Yeah right. :) John
Posted by juniper on January 2, 2000, at 12:58:07
In reply to Re: Pursuing "Life" while still recovering , posted by JohnL on January 1, 2000, at 12:45:01
i have a feeling that this is a topic that everyone on the road to recovery (at least i thought that was where the road led, though they never do label these things clearly)understands. i hate the fact that i could live like this forever. i could do all sorts of useful things, but they are all tinged by a stain that is sometimes sad, and sometimes just apathetic. whatever my potential is, it always seems to be just over there, a bit out of reach. depression and its relations came early for me, during the period most children are forming their identities. so, naturally, depression became a part of who i am, and i have never been able to exticate myself entirely from this formation . i am not sure how much i want to. i am hypersensitive, moody, introspective...but these same qualities could be seen as empathic, passionate, curious...the semantics of my life just kinda sway in the breeze.
wait! this has little to do with the post or where i was trying to go in the first place (this is a familiar feeling). to reel it back in: what else can you do but play damage control and carry on as much as possible, while waiting for that time when things aren't so hard? my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone in this struggle.
juniper
PEACE IN YOUR STRUGGLE TO FIND PEACE
Posted by Joanne on January 3, 2000, at 13:57:53
In reply to Re: Pursuing "Life" while still recovering , posted by juniper on January 2, 2000, at 12:58:07
> i have a feeling that this is a topic that everyone on the road to recovery (at least i thought that was where the road led, though they never do label these things clearly)understands. i hate the fact that i could live like this forever. i could do all sorts of useful things, but they are all tinged by a stain that is sometimes sad, and sometimes just apathetic. whatever my potential is, it always seems to be just over there, a bit out of reach. depression and its relations came early for me, during the period most children are forming their identities. so, naturally, depression became a part of who i am, and i have never been able to exticate myself entirely from this formation . i am not sure how much i want to. i am hypersensitive, moody, introspective...but these same qualities could be seen as empathic, passionate, curious...the semantics of my life just kinda sway in the breeze.
>
> wait! this has little to do with the post or where i was trying to go in the first place (this is a familiar feeling). to reel it back in: what else can you do but play damage control and carry on as much as possible, while waiting for that time when things aren't so hard? my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone in this struggle.
>
> juniper
> PEACE IN YOUR STRUGGLE TO FIND PEACEI just want to thank everyone who posts to this site. It is a great comfort to know that I am not the only person on the whole planet who feels and experiences these things. My prayers go out to each and everyone of you..for ALL of us...that we will someday have peace and true happiness.
On a side note..a great book to read is William Styron's DARKNESS VISIBLE. joanne
Posted by penny on January 24, 2000, at 11:05:57
In reply to Re: Pursuing "Life" while still recovering , posted by JohnL on January 1, 2000, at 12:45:01
> > This topic stirs up so much emotion for me. Yes, I have managed to maintain a professional job, but I think it is because I have channelled every ounce of energy I have into my job, and have neglected my personal life so profoundly.
> >
>
>
> Pursuing Life.... haven't really been able to accomplish that one but I think I am finally starting on the right track.
I found that life just didn't exist...except in this dull grey world of nothingness and loneliness.
After almost 1 year from my last breakdown, I am going back to college. I have tried working a couple of times but it never worked out.
I am hoping that college (not too difficult of courses) will get me back into routine and give me back a zeal to work and be somebody.In the meantime...pursuing life
This is the end of the thread.
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