![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 18 to 42 of 98. Go back in thread:
Posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 20:53:07
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » madeline, posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 19:18:59
>
> I have talked with my boss and HR about one girl, who is the instigator, but I asked them not to do anything yet because I wanted to see if she would lose interest while I was ignoring her. She did just that for a couple of weeks. But now they've switched gears from work stuff to personal stuff. What can my boss do about that? He can't make them include me in their plans.
>No, but the Hostile Work Environment is still there, and they can do something about THAT.
I know it's hard, but for the sake of all the other employees, talk to your boss and to HR again, and ask them to resolve this situation. This really isn't about you -- it's about bitchygirl's behavior, and what that does to the work environment. You're not tattling to someone and asking that you be coddled -- you're asking your employer to fulfill their responsibilities to ALL employees.
There have been so many articles and news stories and books lately about Office Sociopaths, talking about how the behavior of some employees poisons the atmosphere and interferes with the performance of the entire office. What you're experiencing is NOT OK, and it's NOT something you're in any way at fault for.
TC, listen -- I've experienced the Office Sociopath myself, including watching her get several people fired. Heck, she nearly got me fired. She was caught out for having left early one day without permission -- and proceeded to get a guy fired, saying she was afraid to stay because he had been cornering her and fondling her under her shirt! Uh.... That would explain her coming to me before leaving to ask if our department head was coming back to the office that day? No, I'm thinking the story might have had some credibility if it hadn't been held back until she herself was in trouble...
So, it's too late for me. I'd take it as a personal favor, though, if you'd take action against this one for ALL OF US.
You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming...
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:59:26
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:38:09
I wrote my friend about this in between posting here, and he responded immediately. He used to work with me but moved to San Fransico. He's so funny, he's such an easygoing person but he gets really mad about all this (he knows all the people involved) and he totally trashes them in a way I never could - telling me not to let those hoes get to me, and calling the one girl the 'c' word. He told me he was proud of how I've stood up to them.
I've just got to keep this in perspective and not let it overwhelm me. I have a tendency to get all caught up in these things.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 21:07:52
In reply to GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! » TexasChic, posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 20:53:07
Thanks Racer. I will talk to my boss on Monday. I'm feeling more in control after talking about all this. I was just so upset when I first got home from work, it felt like the world was coming to an end. But I'm getting my perspective back now.
Thanks everyone for encouraging me during my crisis.
-T
Posted by greywolf on April 21, 2006, at 21:17:46
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:59:26
My advice, based on years of arbitrating disputes arising out of similar behavior at the offices I've worked in, is to very intentionally and consistently divorce yourself from the people and events that are causing you pain.
Talk to HR all you want, but in my experience they rarely solve anything long-term. Often, HR intervention makes the situation worse.
In my experience, the most effective tactic is putting social and emotional distance between you and those who are creating problems for you. It may take some time, but they eventually tire of the games when they don't receive the response they're hoping for, and some of them may actually recognize the boorishness of their behavior.
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 21:31:18
In reply to Stay aloof, posted by greywolf on April 21, 2006, at 21:17:46
Thanks for the advice. I've been trying to divorce myself from the situation, and I've been doing pretty well the last couple of weeks. But today they just found a weak spot.
I will defintely want to know what HR would do before they do it. The whole reason I asked them not to do anything the last time I talked to them was because I was afraid it would make things worse. I'll just take it one step at a time and try to trust my own judgement. I don't want to leave her to terrorize others after I'm gone, but I have to protect myself too.
-T
Posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 21:44:59
In reply to Re: Stay aloof » greywolf, posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 21:31:18
you SOUND a lot better, Texas. Good to hear it.
Just trust your own judgement.
Only YOU know how to handle this best because no one, not HR, not me or anyone else in this situation (although I wish I were there to help).Keep us posted.
Maddie
Posted by Phillipa on April 21, 2006, at 22:55:43
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » TexasChic, posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:38:54
Hey T I agree with Tizza imagine the look on her face when you present her witha gift and the others see it too, You will come out the winner. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on April 21, 2006, at 23:04:55
In reply to GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! » TexasChic, posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 20:53:07
PS reverse psychology really works. I used it a lot myself at work. I can still she the open mouth when you present her with a gift and all the others see her for who she is. Love Phillipa
Posted by milly on April 22, 2006, at 10:18:05
In reply to What a crappy day., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 17:59:40
Oh TC I hate you having to work there with those bullies, which is what they are. I haven't read the whole thread but have no advice. It just brings back all the horrid horrid times last year when I was going through a really sh*tty time at work.
do you have to stay there?
Does your boss know?
Does he know that if he doesn't deal with it you could take him to court? (you can in UK anyway)
Do you have a union rep?
Workplace bullying is insidious and evil and nearly got the better of me. You deserve better than this, even if Cuteboy is cute!have a look at www.bullyonline.org
take care, milly
Posted by alesta on April 22, 2006, at 12:47:04
In reply to What a crappy day., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 17:59:40
hiya T,:)
man, i'm really sorry you have to deal with that. as my mother and grandmother always used to say, "consider the source." they aren't worth your grief..you seem like a *great* person to be friends with! you and i have communicated intermittently since i got here and i always enjoy talking to you. i'll be your friend..and you have a lot of them here.:-) you're a *wonderful* person. i have been in a similar situation to yours (see relationships board, around 3 or 4 months ago or something). i know how bad it hurts...all i can do is empathize. and guess what? they may be jealous of you..so keep your chin up..i know it's hard. we're here for you...keep posting. i'm doped up on benadryl today so i can't think of much that will really help...but just know that i care..love,:)
amy
Posted by TexasChic on April 22, 2006, at 13:03:21
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » TexasChic, posted by milly on April 22, 2006, at 10:18:05
Wow! That website is GREAT! I just kept seeing myself described over and over. And it confirmed alot of the things I've been thinking about but was unsure of. Like the reason I seem to end up the target of bullies. Here's an exert:
The six most common reasons bullies select their targets are because of availability (wrong place, wrong time), competence (envy), popularity (jealousy), vulnerability (income and the need to pay the mortgage), emotional maturity and values, and integrity. Targets represent everything that bullies are not, and never will be.
Targets of bullying are independent, self-reliant, self-motivated, have no need to form gangs or join cliques, have no need to impress, and have no interest in office politics.Its exactly what I've been thinking all along. I get targeted because I don't want to be part of the clique and I just don't think gossiping and putting down other people is a healthy way to live. I KNOW this bully has been/is jealous of me because for a while there I seemed to be pretty popular. I could tell she couldn't stand that. I'm still pretty well liked by some of the guys, which I've also observed her displaying jealousy over. And I've always thought that when I don't go along with her talking bad about other people (or worse, take up for them), she sees it as me thinking I'm better than her.
The most intriguing part of what I read is how they explain what I went through growing up as actually bullying (my parents, esp my dad). I never thought of it in those terms because it was my parents. But I see now that's exactly what it was.
They have a section on PTSS, which verifies my suspicions that I may be suffering from that because of my childhood. I know one sign they mentioned that really stood out to me was 'being easily startled'. Everyone at work knows I startle easily and alot of them seem to go to great lengths to avoid doing so. The little old ladies I work with will say, "Oh, I was trying so hard not to startle you" after I jump when they walk up behind me and start to speak. I'm always telling them, "No its just me, I always do that for some reason".
It never occured to me that I could be suffering from PTSS because of my childhood until someone else mentioned it here on babble. Now it just seems so obvious.
I'm going to read some more and see what advise they have on how to handle things. Thanks so much everyone for your insight and encouragement. It would have been much, much more difficult for me to get through this without it.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 22, 2006, at 13:14:37
In reply to Re: hope you're doing better today? » TexasChic, posted by alesta on April 22, 2006, at 12:47:04
Aw-w-w, that's so sweet! Thanks alesta! It means alot to me to know that people care.
I'm feeling much better today. I tend to get really overwhelmed and distraught by upsetting situations at first, and then I calm down after some time has passed. Of course it feels like I'll never calm down while I'm in the middle of it. But I'm starting to see a pattern and I'm trying to use that knowledge to my advantage (like not making any rash decisions or outbursts when I'm in that state).
Thanks so much for you kind words. I really love my friends here.
-T
Posted by alesta on April 22, 2006, at 14:00:16
In reply to Re: hope you're doing better today? » alesta, posted by TexasChic on April 22, 2006, at 13:14:37
Posted by tizza on April 22, 2006, at 17:53:33
In reply to Re: hope you're doing better today? » alesta, posted by TexasChic on April 22, 2006, at 13:14:37
You are doing better, you sound great. Paul
Posted by TexasChic on April 24, 2006, at 21:36:23
In reply to Re: hope you're doing better today?, posted by tizza on April 22, 2006, at 17:53:33
Things went fine today, pretty non-eventful. I wasn't upset anymore about feeling that everyone deserted me. Everything I read this weekend said that when being bullied in the workplace your co-workers will most likely not stand by you. Its either because they want to stay out of it, they don't want to be targeted themselves, or they just don't realize the extent of what's going on. It made me feel better to know it was kind of normal.
Although I was upset about feeling deserted, I've realized that what really upset me Friday was more about Cuteboy than anything else. I'm just one lovesick idiot!
We're going on layoff in 5 weeks and all I can think is how much it will suck to not see him for 3 months. I wish I could just find out once and for all that he has no interest in me so I can move on. As long as I have this tiny bit of hope I just can't let it go.
Allow me to gush for a minute - he's growing a goatee and the contrast between it and his boyish looks is so freaking cute I can't stand it! When he first started growing it I told him how much I like goatees and that it would look really good on him. He was all embarrassed saying, "Well at least it will take attention away from my face". I was like, "You have a cute face! I bet all the girls are after you!" He just got all embarrassed. I suddenly realized that I've been unconsiously giving the impression that I just think of him as a cute kid. I guess its just self preservation. I mean, you've got to do something when you get drunk and tell the guy you love him!
Anyway, forgive me for gushing. I didn't have anywhere else to do it and I needed to get it out of my system.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2006, at 19:33:44
In reply to Today, posted by TexasChic on April 24, 2006, at 21:36:23
Today I worked up the courage to ask cuteboy if he had been meeting up with coldshouldergirl and friends outside of work. He said no, not at all. I told him they were kind of making it sound like they did. He said, "Oh, to make it sound like you were left out?" I said "Yeah", kind of surprised he figured that out since he seems to be oblivious to the situation most of the time. Then I added "I care alot more about your opinion than their's", which I wasn't really what I meant to say. What I wanted to say was that I could care less about them leaving me out, but it bothered me to think of him hanging out with them. But I realized at the last second that didn't sound so great, so I ended up with the slightly random comment. If nothing else, it was a step toward letting him know how I feel about him.
Anyway, that might not sound very dramatic or anything, but it was a major hurtle for me to ask him something like that (I thought about it all last night). Especially when I really thought the answer would be yes, and then I'd have to explain why I asked and why it bothered me and blah, blah, blah. So I felt pretty proud of myself overall.
To continue with my goal of moving forward, I sent my resume to this place I would really love to work. I had applied before and went through two interviews, but they chose someone else. So when I saw the ad on monster.com I decided to go for it because I might have a good chance. I also picked up some (inexpensive) interviewing clothes after work today just so I'd be prepared. I really need a suit, but I ended up with just some dressy slacks and shirt. They are more like second interview clothes, but its better than anything else I have, which is jeans.
So I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone a little at a time. I want to have a social life, friends, dates, activities that include leaving the house, a job with a future! And I know that will never happen unless I make it happen.
-T
Posted by milly on April 27, 2006, at 9:44:01
In reply to Re: Today, posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2006, at 19:33:44
Wow TC
I really hope you are proud of yourself because you should be, that was a GOOD day!
when will you hear if you've got an interview? I bet you look stunning in your new outfit you deserve it.
Gently does it but GO GIRL!
milly
Posted by TexasChic on April 28, 2006, at 19:23:06
In reply to Re: Today » TexasChic, posted by milly on April 27, 2006, at 9:44:01
Right before I got off work today, I heard everyone talking about going out for Cuteboy’s birthday. I went up to him and said, "What's the deal, am I not invited?" He said, "Well I knew you didn't like them..." I said, "Um, it's them who don't like me, remember?" Then he says, "Well its up to you, I won't stop you from going but..." I was like, "You won't stop me from going??!! Yeah, that makes me feel really wanted!" He starts going, "No, no, no" (or something) and I just said forget it and turned around and walked off. And he doesn't even try to talk to me! He acted like, 'oh well, that's that' or something. Actually he acted kind of pissed. I've never really seen him mad so I don't know. I can't believe I was ever stupid enough to think he gave a damn about me. God, I just really hate people right now.
I sent him an email. Yeah, I know, that has bad idea written all over it. But I felt like I'd probably never get the chance to say what I wanted to if I didn't.
Here's what I said:
I don't know when you'll read this. It doesn't really matter - I don't expect a response from you anyway.You really hurt my feelings today. If you actually gave a damn about me you would have told me what was going on instead of letting me hear through the work grapevine that I was being left out. And then when I ask you about it you tell me you ‘won’t stop me from going???’ I think that’s the most insulting thing anyone has ever said to me!
But don’t worry, I got the message loud and clear. It’d be kind of stupid of me to keep trying to be friends with someone who’s clearly not interested.
You won't be bothered by me again.
------------I feel better after saying those things to him (even through email). The one thing I've got to do though is make myself not expect a response. I have a tendency to imagine how someone will respond to something I say, and then when they don't I get all upset. There's a very good chance he won't say anything at all. I've got to accept that. Well, I said I needed something to get over him. I guess this is it.
Anyway, I'm gradually getting calmer about this whole thing (I sobbed all the way home). I'm thinking ColdShoulderGirl may have been the one who set this outing up, which makes it a little less insulting then if he set it up and chose her over me (which was what I was thinking). And he MAY have mis-spoke when he said won’t stop me from going. But the fact that he doesn't even care enough to TRY to to talk to me about it is what's so upsetting. Its like a big neon sign saying, 'I DON'T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT YOU!! GET THE MESSAGE?'
Oh well, I have an interview Monday. Maybe it will turn out to be my dream job. I just emailed my resume last night, and he wanted me to come in today! I accidentally left my phone at home though, so I got the message after work hours. Wow, wouldn't it be cool if I got this job and was able to just tell the whole work bunch to f*ck off? I'll try not to get my hopes up, but at least I'm TRYING to make changes in my life for the better. There's got to be some normal people out there who won't hate me for no reason or freak out and throw their book in the trash or say things like "I won't stop you from going"!!!!
I know the only person who can change things is me. And I WILL do that. But first I'm going to complain and throw a tantrum for a little while. I'm in a lull right now, but if I start thinking about it I may start crying again. At least tomorrow my nephew is coming over and I won't be able to think about all that much. By Monday I should be okay I think.
He's still a bastard though. Maybe that's what I'll start calling him, BastardBoy
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 28, 2006, at 20:21:56
In reply to !@#$%, posted by TexasChic on April 28, 2006, at 19:23:06
I was going along just fine, thinking, I've got a handle on this, when I burst into tears. I'm trying to stay positive, but he just suddenly popped into my head being all cute and everything, and I realized how really sad I am. I've been upset alot lately, but I think this is the first time I've felt sad. Its guess I've finally given up on that dream.
I have to get out of that place I work at. Its taken over my life! That just can't be healthy. Hopefully one of these places I'm applying at will work out.
I'm actually kind of excited to meet new people. I won't be so quick to make friends with them or anything, but new people and places still sounds good to me. I didn't realize how sick and tired I am of those people I work with! I guess since I've given up on the one thing that made me enjoy working there, all I see is the crap.
I'm such an idiot.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 28, 2006, at 20:47:30
In reply to Re: !@#$%, posted by TexasChic on April 28, 2006, at 20:21:56
Now I'm freaking out over the email. Was it totally stupid? I tried really hard not say anything manipulative, or try to get sympathy. Whenever I do that I know later it will look really stupid to me.
Does it reveal how I really feel about him? Or sound excessive? I tend to be over dramatic when I'm upset.
What if he never speaks to me again? Can I really handle that? How on earth do you get over this feeling???
-T
Posted by milly on April 29, 2006, at 4:29:10
In reply to !@#$%, posted by TexasChic on April 28, 2006, at 19:23:06
> Right before I got off work today, I heard everyone talking about going out for Cuteboy’s birthday. I went up to him and said, "What's the deal, am I not invited?" He said, "Well I knew you didn't like them..." I said, "Um, it's them who don't like me, remember?" Then he says, "Well its up to you, I won't stop you from going but..." I was like, "You won't stop me from going??!! Yeah, that makes me feel really wanted!" He starts going, "No, no, no" (or something) and I just said forget it and turned around and walked off. And he doesn't even try to talk to me! He acted like, 'oh well, that's that' or something. Actually he acted kind of pissed. I've never really seen him mad so I don't know. I can't believe I was ever stupid enough to think he gave a damn about me. God, I just really hate people right now.
***AAAAGGGGHHH that was horrid, it must have really hurt, I'm so sorry for you, you didn't need that knock.BUT what if he hadn't organised it though? what if 'they' had organised it? 'They' wouldn't have invited you, you know that, and maybe he didn't have the strength of character to say he wanted you included in his birthday outing. Just a thought, but that makes him (IMHO)a 'weak knee-ed,jelly fish' (oh bother jelly fish don't have knees so that didn't work too well!)
> I sent him an email. Yeah, I know, that has bad idea written all over it. But I felt like I'd probably never get the chance to say what I wanted to if I didn't.
***You've done it, so you probably needed to do it.
>
> Here's what I said:
> I don't know when you'll read this. It doesn't really matter - I don't expect a response from you anyway.
>
> You really hurt my feelings today. If you actually gave a damn about me you would have told me what was going on instead of letting me hear through the work grapevine that I was being left out. And then when I ask you about it you tell me you ‘won’t stop me from going???’ I think that’s the most insulting thing anyone has ever said to me!
>
> But don’t worry, I got the message loud and clear. It’d be kind of stupid of me to keep trying to be friends with someone who’s clearly not interested.
>
> You won't be bothered by me again.
> ------------
***IMHO that was aperfectly reasonable email, it told him you were hurt , which you were, it told him how he had hurt you.
>
> I feel better after saying those things to him (even through email). The one thing I've got to do though is make myself not expect a response. I have a tendency to imagine how someone will respond to something I say, and then when they don't I get all upset. There's a very good chance he won't say anything at all. I've got to accept that. Well, I said I needed something to get over him. I guess this is it.
>
> Anyway, I'm gradually getting calmer about this whole thing (I sobbed all the way home). I'm thinking ColdShoulderGirl may have been the one who set this outing up, which makes it a little less insulting then if he set it up and chose her over me (which was what I was thinking). And he MAY have mis-spoke when he said won’t stop me from going. But the fact that he doesn't even care enough to TRY to to talk to me about it is what's so upsetting. Its like a big neon sign saying, 'I DON'T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT YOU!! GET THE MESSAGE?'***He may care but be lousy at saying the right thing, what you need to hear, at the right time, when you need to hear it. (IMVHO lots of men are)
>
> Oh well, I have an interview Monday. Maybe it will turn out to be my dream job. I just emailed my resume last night, and he wanted me to come in today! I accidentally left my phone at home though, so I got the message after work hours. Wow, wouldn't it be cool if I got this job and was able to just tell the whole work bunch to f*ck off? I'll try not to get my hopes up, but at least I'm TRYING to make changes in my life for the better. There's got to be some normal people out there who won't hate me for no reason or freak out and throw their book in the trash or say things like "I won't stop you from going"!!!!***positive thinking I like it, wishing you all the best for Monday (check out their work place bullying policy while you're there!)
>
> I know the only person who can change things is me. And I WILL do that. But first I'm going to complain and throw a tantrum for a little while. I'm in a lull right now, but if I start thinking about it I may start crying again. At least tomorrow my nephew is coming over and I won't be able to think about all that much. By Monday I should be okay I think.***Throw a tantrum if you need to better out than in as they say
>
> He's still a bastard though. Maybe that's what I'll start calling him, BastardBoy
>
***Good name, take care
Milly
Posted by TexasChic on April 29, 2006, at 7:51:21
In reply to Re: !@#$% » TexasChic, posted by milly on April 29, 2006, at 4:29:10
I wasn't expecting that.
Here's what he wrote:
Im sorry, but basically I just didnt want to interact people I knew didnt get along. Ever since elementary Ive had friends that didnt like each other, so I just kept them seperated.
Pretty much, It wasnt my idea, or my plan (because I hate hooters) so I just left it up to them to pass the word along. I never invited F___, P____, B__ ect ect.. I was pretty much like, just give me a date and time, and I'll show up.
And, just today I was talking to N___ about getting the bowling thing started again (me, you, N___, and P____) And once again, I wasnt going to invite C_____ to that, because I know she hates N___. But thats nothing against C_____ . Its just me trying to keep the peace.
Sorry if I did a sh*tty job explaining that to you, but you just walked off halfway thru my sentence.---------
Here's what I wrote back:
Okay, maybe I overreacted a tiny bit. I'm just so, so tired of the thing with L___. I didn't ask for it, I did nothing to deserve it, but yet I keep being the one that loses out because of it. I guess I sort of took it out on you. But you have to realize that at the time I was thinking the hooters thing was something you had planned, chose L___ over me, and then told me you wouldn't stop me from going (basically saying you didn't want me to go). I walked off in the middle of you talking because I was just so insulted.I realize you have no reason to be loyal to me or anything, but when she engineers these things intentionally leaving me out, and makes sure I hear about it, for you to go along without any kind of objection is basically saying its all okay with you. But like I said, you have no reason to be loyal to me.
I'm sorry, I guess I'm expecting more from you than I should. That's my fault. I tend to do that. I sometimes forget other people aren't as intense about things as I am (and I guess I like you a tiny bit more than I should). Sorry I got mad at you.
------I just wrote it and sent it before I could change my mind. He really doesn't have any reason to choose me over anyone else. We're just all co-workers to him. Its not his fault I like him so much.
However, I do believe what I said about how not objecting is the same as agreeing.
Damn, and I got brave and told him I like him more than I should. Well, I guess it was something I needed to say, regardless of the consequences. We'll see where it goes from here.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 29, 2006, at 16:31:11
In reply to He wrote me back, posted by TexasChic on April 29, 2006, at 7:51:21
Well we've been talking back and forth, but I have no idea if its a good thing or bad thing. Basically, he doesn't believe me about ColdShoulderGirl and BitchyGirl bullying me. He thinks I'm a 'over reacting'. I told him:
"They've done this before, and everyone knows about it (and have told me about it). You don't know how many times I've heard, "They do this all the time, it was A––– last year, you're the one they picked this year, and it'll be someone else next year". They intentionally try to isolate people. Basically they're bullies. I know its hard to believe about L––, I can barely believe it myself and I've witnessed it." But he'll never believe me until he sees it for himself (which they will try to keep from happening).After telling me that it wasn't his idea or plan and he just left it up to them to pass the word along, he then turned around and said don't blame ColdShoulderGirl because she was just an invited guest and had nothing to do with it. I told him that I was confused (I mean, so now who was supposed to have planned the thing?) but I really didn't want to talk about anymore.
Then he said he assumed I wouldn't want to go because she was gonna be there, because he thought I had a 'major problem' with her. I told him:
"As I've said over and over, I don't have a problem with her, she is the one who suddenly stopped talking to me. I have no idea what the reason is, so I basically just try to stay out of the way."He then started comparing it to these other two people at work who are fighting. He said:
"I wouldn't invite C___ bowling, because she hates N___. I'm not choosing N___ over C___. Basically I just didnt want any drama, and as irony would have it, the whole thing created drama."I told him:
"Like I said, I was expecting too much from you. I'm the one who made the drama. That's why I apologized. I know you don't understand - that's okay. Don't worry about it. Just please stop comparing me to C–––– because that's not even remotely the same thing. That was a situation she helped create and I'm in a situation I didn't ask for or want." He apparently didn't get the hint that I got so upset because I like him a little more than a co-worker.He said:
"Seriously, there isn't a conspiracy against you, and the more you over react to this stuff, the more people are going to isolate you."I told him:
"I'm trying my best to ignore the situation, just hanging out with the guys and stuff. But I can't help it if I get upset about something. If the people at work choose to isolate me because of that, there's not a whole lot I can do about it. "He said:
"And I was being completely honest when I told you that there hasn't been any get togethers. So I hope you dont think this is some ongoing thing where we go out every weekend and don't tell you."I told him:
"I believed you when you told me that, but then the thing I was worried about happened. There was something planned that I was left out of because L––– has decided she doesn't like me. That's what happened and there's no way around it. But you know what, I don't even really care anymore. I'm just so tired of the drama. You really have no idea what I've been through with L––– and P–––.Then I said:
"I appreciate you writing back to me, I didn't really think you would. But I'm really sorry now that I started this whole dialogue with you. Please let's just forget about it. You don't owe me explanations for anything."So if anyone has actually read down this far, what do you think? Did I handle it right? Did I sound like a non-crazy person? Was I too harsh? Its really hard when he's basically saying I'm being paraniod and that's the main thing I struggle with. I mean, I have asked myself if this is all in my head, especially since ColdShoulderGirl is especially good at doing things while not incriminating herself. But I just don't think it is.
-T
Posted by verne on April 29, 2006, at 20:13:49
In reply to Re: He wrote me back, posted by TexasChic on April 29, 2006, at 16:31:11
I'm not sure too many people would respond well to the "expecting too much" comment. If someone said that to me, I would give them a wide berth in the future - out of self preservation.
You might examine this pattern of walking away in the middle of his explanation and then later wishing you hadn't started a dialogue when he returns your email.
I'm only hearing your side yet I think he makes some good points.
verne
Posted by TexasChic on April 29, 2006, at 21:03:40
In reply to Re: He wrote me back, posted by verne on April 29, 2006, at 20:13:49
> I'm not sure too many people would respond well to the "expecting too much" comment. If someone said that to me, I would give them a wide berth in the future - out of self preservation.
>
> You might examine this pattern of walking away in the middle of his explanation and then later wishing you hadn't started a dialogue when he returns your email.
>
> I'm only hearing your side yet I think he makes some good points.
>
> verneThanks for your response verne, its good to get a guy's point of view. When I said I was expecting too much, I meant I was getting mad at him for not doing things (like standing up for me) when I really had no right to be mad. I mean, he doesn't have to invite me anywhere if he doesn't want to. Did it come off sounding like something else?
As for the walking away, did you see what he said? I may not be describing it well but it was really insulting. The more he talked the worse it got. I was so-o-o mad. That's why I walked away.
As for me wishing I hadn't started the whole dialogue, I said that because I realized he didn't believe I was getting bullied by those girls, and thought I was just over reacting and being paraniod. I knew we weren't going to agree on that no matter how much we talked.
I know the reason I got so upset was a combination of the stress I've been under the last few weeks because of those girls, and the fact that I've had this crush on him forever. Plus, despite what he says, he actually did exactly what I was mad about - he excluded me because of the drama caused by someone else.
I was okay about everything, but now I'm all confused about it again. He probably thinks I'm a psycho.
-T
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