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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by partlycloudy on June 9, 2004, at 8:48:00
In reply to Dear Diary June 8, posted by Ilene on June 8, 2004, at 22:00:53
Ilene, you have an awful lot going on in your life right now. Please don't beat yourself up! Moving, a graduation, living with your daughter, sparing with your spouse... any one of those would bring a person down.
You are holding up remarkably well but please be kind to Ilene; give her a bubble bath, or a latte, or a snooze on the sofa.
And I love to read your diary.
Posted by Ilene on June 9, 2004, at 9:32:48
In reply to Re: Dear Diary June 8 » Ilene, posted by partlycloudy on June 9, 2004, at 8:48:00
> Ilene, you have an awful lot going on in your life right now. Please don't beat yourself up! Moving, a graduation, living with your daughter, sparing with your spouse... any one of those would bring a person down.
>
> You are holding up remarkably well but please be kind to Ilene; give her a bubble bath, or a latte, or a snooze on the sofa.
>
> And I love to read your diary.I've started a small sewing project. I'm making a patchwork pillowcase for my son's extra-large pillow. The pleasure I get from it is greater than the guilt I feel for not doing something related to moving.
I.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 9, 2004, at 9:57:29
In reply to Re: Dear Diary June 8 » partlycloudy, posted by Ilene on June 9, 2004, at 9:32:48
When I was young my family made a big move (1,000 miles). I remember my mom being incredibly stressed out - moving, school for us kids, new city to learn, etc. She started knitting, a narrow simple pattern, getting longer and longer every week, changing colours as one thingy of wool ran out and she'd start another. After we were settled in, she wound it into a rug shape and sewed it together. To this day it's known as her "worry rug". It's been in the rooms of all the homes she'd lived in since then.
Your post made me smile to remember.
Posted by Ilene on June 9, 2004, at 21:24:34
In reply to Dear Diary June 8, posted by Ilene on June 8, 2004, at 22:00:53
I always procrastinate writing my little diary entries. It's gotten to be *work*, but they are interesting to read later.
Woke up at a more-or-less reasonable time and took my meds right away, then dozed off, read for an hour, so my Cytomel would have a nice empty stomach in which to dissolve. I think it makes a difference.
I took $100 in rolled coins to the bank. I hate rolled coins, except for quarters. (These were my husband's.) They are a pain in the butt and usually just sit around. And no, I did not deposit them in my private account so I indulge my taste for fine chocolates; I deposited them in the account that goes for the gas bill, the car insurance, and the mortgage.
I went to see my pdoc. I talked her into letting me go up to 3.75 mg. Zyprexa because 2.5 mg isn't doing anything. She does fret. She went on about blood lipids and diabetes and reminded me to get my thyroid checked. Like I actually care.
Now *I'm* fretting about getting psychiatric and regular medical care in California. I'll probably go to the mood disorders clinic at Major Medical School. You get to see a resident--oh joy, a baby doctor treating a patient on an MAOI most people don't know about, an AP, a benzo, T3, and Neurontin; and a mineralocorticoid for a disease most docs have never heard of. However, it costs almost nothing, and they have a DBT group.
I'm fretting even more about finding an internist who knows about chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm afraid they are either as passive as my previous internist, or fans of alternative medicine. Alternative medicine scares me.
My own little 17-yr cicada called me from the gardens where she went with her BF. She wanted me to pick her up. I could hear a honking in the background, which I took to be a Canada goose. (This place has expanses of lawn that attact them.) Turned out to be a *frog*. I've never heard a frog that loud in the daytime.
BF stayed for dinner, then his grandfather came and whisked him off to his tennis match. Grandfather and English seem to be only distant acquaintances.
It's my wedding anniversary today. I've been married for 19 years. It can't *possibly* be that long.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 10, 2004, at 3:56:53
In reply to I'm here, posted by Ilene on June 6, 2004, at 10:48:16
> I'm here. My CFS is flaring up, I'm starting Zyprexa, taking less Cytomel, and there are some other sources of stress in my life. I don't feel very well.
>
> I.
IleneI'm so glad to hear from you. You had me very worried girl. I'm sorry to hear you're not doing very well. BTW, what is CFS? I hope things improve for you very soon.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 10, 2004, at 4:44:48
In reply to Dear Diary June 9, posted by Ilene on June 9, 2004, at 21:24:34
Ilene
You're sounding depressed to me in this entry. I wish you were feeling better. Try not to worry about what is ahead of you. I tend to do that too. Try to live for today. Now I have to take my own advice. It's so much easier to help someone else than it is to help yourself.
Congratulations on your 19th wedding anniversary. Did you celebrate it in any way?
Hugs,
AG> I always procrastinate writing my little diary entries. It's gotten to be *work*, but they are interesting to read later.
>
> Woke up at a more-or-less reasonable time and took my meds right away, then dozed off, read for an hour, so my Cytomel would have a nice empty stomach in which to dissolve. I think it makes a difference.
>
> I took $100 in rolled coins to the bank. I hate rolled coins, except for quarters. (These were my husband's.) They are a pain in the butt and usually just sit around. And no, I did not deposit them in my private account so I indulge my taste for fine chocolates; I deposited them in the account that goes for the gas bill, the car insurance, and the mortgage.
>
> I went to see my pdoc. I talked her into letting me go up to 3.75 mg. Zyprexa because 2.5 mg isn't doing anything. She does fret. She went on about blood lipids and diabetes and reminded me to get my thyroid checked. Like I actually care.
>
> Now *I'm* fretting about getting psychiatric and regular medical care in California. I'll probably go to the mood disorders clinic at Major Medical School. You get to see a resident--oh joy, a baby doctor treating a patient on an MAOI most people don't know about, an AP, a benzo, T3, and Neurontin; and a mineralocorticoid for a disease most docs have never heard of. However, it costs almost nothing, and they have a DBT group.
>
> I'm fretting even more about finding an internist who knows about chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm afraid they are either as passive as my previous internist, or fans of alternative medicine. Alternative medicine scares me.
>
> My own little 17-yr cicada called me from the gardens where she went with her BF. She wanted me to pick her up. I could hear a honking in the background, which I took to be a Canada goose. (This place has expanses of lawn that attact them.) Turned out to be a *frog*. I've never heard a frog that loud in the daytime.
>
> BF stayed for dinner, then his grandfather came and whisked him off to his tennis match. Grandfather and English seem to be only distant acquaintances.
>
> It's my wedding anniversary today. I've been married for 19 years. It can't *possibly* be that long.
Posted by Ilene on June 10, 2004, at 9:54:30
In reply to Re: I'm here » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on June 10, 2004, at 3:56:53
CFS=chronic fatigue syndrome
Posted by Ilene on June 10, 2004, at 9:57:01
In reply to Re: Dear Diary June 9 » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on June 10, 2004, at 4:44:48
> Ilene
>
> You're sounding depressed to me in this entry.>Of course I'm depressed.
> Congratulations on your 19th wedding anniversary. Did you celebrate it in any way?
>No. My husband isn't here.
I.
Posted by Ilene on June 10, 2004, at 20:21:38
In reply to Dear Diary June 9, posted by Ilene on June 9, 2004, at 21:24:34
I slept forever and ever this morning. It must have had to do with going up on the Zyprexa last night.
I started feeling all shaky after a while. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to pick up my husband at the airport. Drinking a quart of electrolyte solution made it better.
I did a little picking up, and got my daughter to do dishes. It took a lot of reminding her.
Told my husband we'd probably need to get gas on the way home from the airport. He said we'd be okay. On the way home he turned off the A/C and opened the window (this man hates heat almost as much as I do) and he said we were low on gas. Did I say, "I told you so"? You bet.
Since I hadn't been awake for long enough to buy any groceries we picked up the child that was home (the boy) and went out for BBQ. Now the other one is in a snit.
Posted by Ilene on June 11, 2004, at 18:33:53
In reply to Dear Diary June 10, posted by Ilene on June 10, 2004, at 20:21:38
Today is the little cicada's birthday. She is 18. I can't believe I have raised the little bug to so-called adulthood. She got a stuffed Hello Kitty wearing a kimono from her father and me, and a book of Celtic tales from her brother (I helped him choose it). (She also got a blue topaz pendant set in 14 kt. gold for graduation, which matches the earrings I gave her last year. She wears these all the time; I think we're going to have to get a heavier chain for the pendant.)
She's off at a No Doubt concert w/ a couple of friends. The driver is a budding alky. (I think he was diagnosed bipolar; his mother committed suicide. I hate mental illness.) Anyway, I told her to call us if he drinks. I've always been very easy about where she goes and when she comes home, but now I'm starting to worry about alcohol. She's like me; she doesn't like to drink--might have inherited my low ability to metabolize ethanol. The problem is other people who drink and get behind the wheel.
I am very, very tired. I didn't sleep well, and I woke up early and didn't go back to sleep. I've also been having problems with hypotension today, but I'm finding that drinking the electrolyte potion *really helps*. I have to drink about a quart for it to be effective. The minerals in it (sodium, magnesium, potassium, etc.) help keep me from just peeing out the extra fluid. I don't feel bloated, either.
I can't remember if I took any Klonopin today. If I did, it was in the morning. I am not feeling anxious. Maybe the Zyprexa is actually doing something. And yes, I think I gained some weight, but only a little.
I did some Important Chores, but when I went to the P.O. I discovered it was closed on account of Reagan's funeral. H-E-double-hockeysticks. I guess this is what they mean by "less government".
I've been relatively productive today, considering. Felt depressed earlier. I envisioned myself becoming a depressed old woman.
Posted by Ilene on June 12, 2004, at 18:51:05
In reply to Dear Diary June 11, posted by Ilene on June 11, 2004, at 18:33:53
I feel much less depressed and anxious today. I guess the Zyprexa must be doing something. I wonder if this is what "normal" is like. I think not quite--if I were normal I wouldn't be thinking about it.
No Klonopin at all today. No terrible worries or fears. Just did around-the-house stuff. Took care of most of the taxes. I have much more energy than usual.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 13, 2004, at 8:27:07
In reply to Re: I'm here » Angel Girl, posted by Ilene on June 10, 2004, at 9:54:30
> CFS=chronic fatigue syndrome
DUH!!! Well, now I feel stupid since I used to suffer from it. I don't think I've ever seen anybody abbreviate it though but none the less, I should've been able to figure that one out.
Thanks!
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 13, 2004, at 8:28:44
In reply to Re: Dear Diary June 9 » Angel Girl, posted by Ilene on June 10, 2004, at 9:57:01
> > Ilene
> >
> > You're sounding depressed to me in this entry.>
>
> Of course I'm depressed.
>
> > Congratulations on your 19th wedding anniversary. Did you celebrate it in any way?
> >
>
> No. My husband isn't here.
>
> I.I guess I should've been more specific and said "more depressed".
AG
Posted by Ilene on June 16, 2004, at 22:08:39
In reply to Dear Diary June 12, posted by Ilene on June 12, 2004, at 18:51:05
I thought I had skipped a couple of days--I had no idea my last post was on Saturday, and here it is Wednesday.
I saw my pdoc for the what is probably the last time today. She's also been doing psychotherapy w/ me, but we've spent most of our time doing the med thing. I don't feel particularly emotional about not seeing her again, although I appreciate her supportiveness.
I've been feeling *much better* for the last few days. I can only credit Zyprexa. The biggest problem I'm having now is--I can't sleep! When I first took it slept until the afternoon.
Do I feel normal? I don't know. I worry less about things, and when I do worry the feeling is less overwhelming. I can put some things out of my mind. Actually, I have no place to stay after the 23rd and I'm not panicking. The movers are coming on Monday--I do feel like there's too much to do between now and then, but I figure I've moved before and it all worked out in the end.
My original plan was to find someone in the neighborhood who needed a housesitter. I thought I had something lined up, but--get this--the woman's kids are worried about having strangers in the house. They'd rather leave it empty and have a neighbor come in to feed the cat. I'd tell my kids we're getting a housesitter and that's that. Sort of leaves me at loose ends. . . there are always motels.
What still astonishes me is that I went from basketcase to functional in a matter of days. And it's from a drug. Is it too good to be true. . . ?
Posted by fallsfall on June 17, 2004, at 7:23:34
In reply to Dear Diary June 16, posted by Ilene on June 16, 2004, at 22:08:39
Sounds wonderful to me. Enjoy feeling functional.
Keeping the moving in perspective is a really good idea. Everybody who moves goes over the deep end... Sounds like you are doing great.
Posted by Ilene on June 17, 2004, at 21:52:20
In reply to Dear Diary June 16, posted by Ilene on June 16, 2004, at 22:08:39
I slept *great* last night. Too great, because I didn't wake up until 9 AM. (The same thing happened on Monday. We both woke up at 9 AM and missed our son's middle school graduation. He didn't notice until it was all over. Good kid.)
My husband was nice and offered to drive me down to my internist's appt. I had yet another blood draw (my pdoc is a Jewish mother--spiritually if not actually--and frets about my thyroid, and now that I talked her into prescribing Zyprexa she's fretting about my blood lipids and glucose) and talked to my wonderful internist for a few minutes. I said I would miss him. He said he would miss me. He doesn't know any internists in the San Francisco area. (He should make more friends.) He's sort of goofy.
My daughter's friend Muffin came over and left with a couple of grocery bags of books.
(Me: You have to give away some books.
Daughter: Oh, I can fit all my books on the shelves.
Me: Ha ha ha ha ha)I tried pointing out to her that if she gave away enough books, she could go to the publisher's remainder warehouse and get *more books*. She didn't buy that one.
I took nine grocery bags of books to the library's sale room on Tuesday.We all suffer from the dreaded Book Addiction. Especially when they are cheap. We all read at the table, too.
I'm trying to collect more things for Value Village. We took all the boxes down from the attic a couple of days ago. I emptied three or four of them. Went thru some sewing things and sneaked in a little sewing. For a long time I didn't want to sew, and now that I've got more important things to do I *need* to sew. It's relaxing.
The more mentally healthy I get the less time I spend at the computer. PB is less engaging, too. I'm interested in what's going on with the people I know, but I don't feel like posting very much.
Posted by Ilene on June 19, 2004, at 20:20:36
In reply to Dear Diary June 17, posted by Ilene on June 17, 2004, at 21:52:20
The big event for today was taking a big carload of stuff to Value Village. The people who work there are pretty strange. They directed me to park crooked, so I was nearly blocking the driveway, and the employee who was on the loading dock tried to tell me my stuff was junk (well, the first box was somewhat junky) and not to leave it. I told him if he didn't want the things to use the dumpster, and asked for his supervisor, meanwhile unloading things as quickly as possible because it was drizzling. This donation included a leather jacket, and ultrasonic humidifier, and a wooden train set. Hardly junk!
I'm still finding things I want to donate as I pick up around the house.
I'm pretty tired, by my CFS flare-up is gone, I think. I might go to bed early. I couldn't fall asleep last night, and I woke up at about 10. Maybe some Klonopin is a a good idea.
I'm going to try staying here with my son and the kitties after the movers take eveything away. We're leaving a shredded sleeper sofa and my son's bed, and maybe we'll leave the coffeemaker. There will be food in the fridge. We'll have to stay out of the way of the workers if they arrive on the 28th, as planned. My daughter's going to SF with my husband on Thursday or Friday, then my son and I will follow, with cats, on July 1st.
I haven't been posting very much, have I?
Posted by Ilene on June 20, 2004, at 15:50:33
In reply to Dear Diary June 19, posted by Ilene on June 19, 2004, at 20:20:36
The computer is about to be packed up. I might have a laptop, but only a dial-up connection, for the next few days. Then only dial-up in our new house until about the middle of July. So I probably won't be posting.
I.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 21, 2004, at 0:21:24
In reply to Dear Diary June 20, posted by Ilene on June 20, 2004, at 15:50:33
Ack! That's a long time. We'll certainly miss you. Moving is such a hassle. I hope yours goes super-smooth. If you get desparate for a Babble hit, you might try an internet cafe or public library.
Good luck and please take care. Extra stress is something that makes us all more vulnerable.
I'll be thinking of you.
gg
Posted by antigua on June 21, 2004, at 10:56:52
In reply to Re: Dear Diary June 20, posted by gardenergirl on June 21, 2004, at 0:21:24
Posted by Angel Girl on June 21, 2004, at 13:34:03
In reply to Dear Diary June 20, posted by Ilene on June 20, 2004, at 15:50:33
> The computer is about to be packed up. I might have a laptop, but only a dial-up connection, for the next few days. Then only dial-up in our new house until about the middle of July. So I probably won't be posting.
>
> I.
IleneWe'll certainly miss you around here. Have a very safe trip and hurry back. Make sure you hook up your computer as soon as you get there. lol!!!
AG
Posted by Ilene on July 26, 2004, at 20:47:51
In reply to Dear Diary June 20, posted by Ilene on June 20, 2004, at 15:50:33
I can't believe I've let a month go by without writing to Dear Diary. However, I'm still unpacking. I think I'll be unpacking for weeks and weeks.
We're trying to keep the grey cat in. It took him a few days to discover Outside, and now he whimpers pathetically about it. He's also been spraying, and someone's been peeing on the kids' beds. There are only two suspects--either the gray cat or the black cat.
Anyway, he's sitting on my lap, being soft and fuzzy.
I'm less depressed today than I have been. I even accomplished a task I've been putting off for over a year. I have to fill out some forms involving my father's estate. One's called an "Affidavit of Domicile and Debts". It asks all kinds of impossible questions: e.g. how long my father lived in California (I don't know when he got here) and when he last voted. I have to sign as either executrix or administratrix. I don't know what the difference is. Ack! I think I'm executrix, even though there's no will.
My daughter's BF is visiting. I've never met a less decisive kid. You ask him a question, and he just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay." He's staying in the family room, which is where the computer is, but they're gone a lot.
We're getting a new washer and dryer. The washer is a front loader and should have enough capacity for a peed-on comforter. A new living room couch, too.
I missed my pdoc appointment. I was supposed to be at the Mood Disorders Clinic to see a resident this morning at 11. I confused it with another doctor's appt. that was at 2 PM. I called as soon as I figured this out, but no one has returned my call.
I have mixed feelings about residents in general. I didn't like the one who was my doctor when I was hospitalized. She was stony, ignorant, and all she did for me was prescribe lithium. She never contacted my internist, who could have warned her that I might not do too well on lithium. Apparently people with my blood pressure problem don't deal with lithium very well.
Oh well. Must go now, deal with the real world.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 30, 2004, at 8:05:12
In reply to Dear Diary July 26, posted by Ilene on July 26, 2004, at 20:47:51
I had 2 male cats who did not like moving at all. The vet recommended keeping them in a restricted territory until they got used to it, but I couldn't handle the wailing. They made it sound like I was pulling out their whiskers!! Once a spot is marked, they will want to re-mark it to keep it fresh and smelly. You might want to launder with an odor-eater liquid from a pet store to neutralize the smell.
Nice to see you post again!
Posted by Ilene on August 1, 2004, at 20:15:28
In reply to Re: Dear Diary July 26 » Ilene, posted by partlycloudy on July 30, 2004, at 8:05:12
> I had 2 male cats who did not like moving at all. The vet recommended keeping them in a restricted territory until they got used to it, but I couldn't handle the wailing. They made it sound like I was pulling out their whiskers!! Once a spot is marked, they will want to re-mark it to keep it fresh and smelly. You might want to launder with an odor-eater liquid from a pet store to neutralize the smell.
>
> Nice to see you post again!I like that--sounding like you were pulling out their whiskers. Whiskers are very important to a cat.
So far the gray cat has found new places to spray instead of re-spraying the old places. I just found a couple of sprayed-on plastic bags on the floor of the garage. I'm glad he prefers plastic. He sprayed when we first got him--or rather, when he decided to move in with us. (He showed up wearing a collar that said "homeless take me in please".) He only did it a few times inside, but every so often he would do it to my old junker that was sitting in the driveway. I wish his previous owners had managed to get him neutered when he was younger! I suspect he was originally a feral cat who was adopted after kittenhood.
I have some odor neutralizer. My daughter had to use it on her mattress because the black cat is now too intimidated to come downstairs to the litter box. This is a replay of what happened in our old house.
I wish there were some way to check a cat's references before you made a committment to it.
Posted by Ilene on August 1, 2004, at 20:54:29
In reply to Dear Diary July 26, posted by Ilene on July 26, 2004, at 20:47:51
Since I missed my appt. w/ the new pdoc I have to wait another month to get a slot. I called my old pdoc a couple of days ago, because I've been feeling more and more depressed. I asked if she would write me a prescription to increase my Marplan by 10 mg. I'm on 40 mg. now, I had been on 50 but we took it down a notch because I was getting dizzy spells. She refused because she can't see me in person. I wish she weren't so ultra-careful.
What I'm doing now is making sure I take my Cytomel on an empty stomach, and taking lots of vitamins every day. I don't know if it's going to help. So far I'm still depressed.
I'm losing my hair. I started using generic Rogaine. It takes a several weeks to see if it has any effect. At least the dermatologist said by the time women reach 50 they've usually lost all the hair they are going to lose, unless the loss is caused by something other than a genetic predisposition. It could be caused by one of my meds, such as Neurontin, but she thought it was more likely to be female pattern baldness.
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