![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 301 to 325 of 545. Go back in thread:
Posted by LynneDa on May 12, 2004, at 11:49:21
In reply to Re: Open » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 12, 2004, at 0:09:31
Hi Sandy - Just checking in to see how you're doing. Are you having some up days? I'm playing with my med dosage, trying to get rid of my fogginess and grogginess without bringing back depression & anxiety, so not sure how the next week or so will go!
I hope you're having fun in Open and able to get some support and positive energy! I'm heading to Philly for a few days, for work, so won't be on-line til next Monday.
Take good care, okay???
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by jlynne on May 13, 2004, at 0:24:18
In reply to Re: Open » jlynne, posted by LynneDa on May 12, 2004, at 11:49:21
Hey, Sandy . . . missed you today. How are you doing, sweetie? I think I ate too much chinese food last night - and then leftovers tonight . . . my pants feel kinda tight:~)
How are your *angels*? Did you find out why they are no longer partners? They are probably both so good that their supervisor assigned them each to some rookies to train, eh?
Talk to you soon:~)
((((Sandy)))) ((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 14:07:33
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 13, 2004, at 0:24:18
How you doing, sweetie . . . haven't heard your lovely voice in quite awhile:~)
I hope you think about us and drop a line or two soon; if you stay away too long you will end up having to write a book in order to catch us up! (*smile*)
I am thinking about you, and you are always in my prayers, Sandy.
((((HUGS)))) ((((smiles)))) ((((friendship))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 16:56:10
In reply to Miss you, Sandy . . ., posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 14:07:33
It's a really, really bad day today. I don't know what is happening. I feel like I'm stoned! It even hurts to read this screen, and it's the first time I've been on the computer in 2 days.
Actually, I've been in bed since Thursday!!! How many hours is that??? And I feel so odd! And I have to go to the washroom and cry and cry. Then I come back out and FLOAT all over the place. I swear I'm on some kind of drug!
I feel just awful. This has to be one of the worse days since all this lovelyness has started with me. I can't stand it. I'm so out of it, and I'm so sad, and I'm so mad, and I'm so hopeless, and I'm so blah!
I want the sun to hurry up and go down. The light bothers me. I want it to be dark. I feel so odd.
Sorry to have disappeared for a few days. The brain has been doing funky things.
Sandra
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 17:23:47
In reply to Re: Miss you, Sandy . . . » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 16:56:10
Sandy, how awful that you feel this way. I can remember going through something like that, and I am trying to remember what I did about it. I think it usually happened after spending a lot of time in bed, like you just did.
I think being horizontal for awhile helps, and I think getting some fluids in your body might help, too (something sweet, like juice or soda).
The sadness and crying will come and go, but it won't last forever, sweetie - it is part of the healing process. Are you able to eat? If you're not eating, that will add to the feeling of despair. I used to drink instant breakfast when I couldn't get anything else down.
Hang in there, love . . . it *will* get better, I promise.
((((Sandy)))) ((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 18:02:32
In reply to Re: Miss you, Sandy . . . » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 17:23:47
> I think being horizontal for awhile helps <
Sorry, I meant to say being "vertical" helps . . .
. . . blame it on the meds - - certainly *NOT* my AGE! (*smile*)
((((maturity))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 20:59:00
In reply to Re: Miss you, Sandy . . . » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 17:23:47
Difficult time tonight. I don't think I've enjoyed 2004. *lopsided smile*
Sandra
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:28:13
In reply to Re: Miss you, Sandy . . ., posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 20:59:00
Sandy, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time tonight, and I can certainly understand about 2004 being an unlikeable year for you. But, you know what?? Once you are through this, you will NEVER have to go through it again - it might get bad, but it will never get *THIS* bad ever again; I promise!
Ride the waves, sweetie; float on your back if you have to.
((((HUGS)))) ((((next year)))) ((((better times))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 22:44:16
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:28:13
I'm sick of hearing them and you're sick of saying them.
Once I get through this?? Not likely. It's never-ending. And we're all tired of it.
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:53:45
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 22:44:16
I'm still here, Sandy . . . I'm not going anywhere.
If it's really getting bad Sandy, please call the hospital. You don't need to go through this alone, sweetie.
((((Sandy))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 22:59:52
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:53:45
I'm in Open.
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 23:01:57
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:53:45
And of course I'm not going to call the hospital. Treat you with RESIDENTS....just trying to put in their hours. They don't give a hoot.
And I don't give a hoot.
And I'm drinking. Ha!
Easier when things are unreal.
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 23:12:31
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:53:45
I'm going to sleep for tonight.
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 23:44:13
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 23:12:31
Good night Sandy. I hope you feel better in the morning.
((((sweet dreams)))) ((((tomorrow)))) ((((HUGS))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 16, 2004, at 20:32:47
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:28:13
Jlynne,
You're a sweetie and I appreciate all the love notes you've sent, but I don't think you quite understand. I can't tell you how much it means to have someone in your corner, but....you keep mentioning about when I get through this and how much better it will be. But you know what? This IS it. I'm really horrible at trying to explain things, but I'll try.
Here I am at halfway through my life, and I don't have anything to show for it. The first 39 years have been filled with a lot of nasty and quite traumatic experiences, but.....there was always the future. There was always the knowledge that everything I was learning along the way would be used for a better purpose when I reached the goal. There was hope. There was that "something" to keep fighting towards. And so you could throw as much junk at me as you wanted, and I was going to survive....simply because there was a goal to reach....and all that junk would make me a better person when I got to the goal.....and all that junk would make me stronger in order to give back to others when I reached that goal.....
And the "goal" didn't necessarily have to be nursing. That felt right after SwissAir. It fulfilled the goal. It was a means to give back, and I could utilize everything I'd experienced with the wide varity of patients I'd encounter. But it could have just as well been social work or probation officer. I was meant to be the "good guy", you know? Why else would I see so much badness, other than to turn that around and help others?
So each new experience was not necessarily welcomed (lol!), but it certainly wasn't going to destroy me. There was a reason for me to see this or go through that. It would enable me to have a better understanding of a particular patient.
But now I'm at the halfway point....and I've lost it all. There are no more funds for ANY type of education. I have a ton of university courses under my belt....but no degree. And....that's the end of that. It's not like I can save up for it. Ha! That part of my life is over. So I can't work in any field that I thought I was supposed to be in. My experiences are for nil.
I can't afford this apartment anymore. In fact, here we are at May 16th, and I still haven't paid the rent and don't even have a notion as to when to expect any money. I did finally turn in the appeal, but.....who knows?
The police horse is now in the city, and Carly will be able to start helping with him soon. But....we can't live here anymore. So, I'll have to take this away from her and she is sooo excited to work with Justice.
I didn't pay one bill last month, just so we could have groceries. Groceries are gone now, no money, and bills are due again.
What job can I get? I could be a chamber maid. I suppose I could be a cashier. And do you really think I'm going to work my butt off for the next 39 years, doing something that feels like death?? I might as well take death, you know.
It's just not like this is a funk that I'm going to get out of. This IS my life now. I have to accept that. And you know what? I CAN'T. I just can't believe that this is my life. I can't believe that. I mean, I fought for so long to get to this point.....and now it's over. I've lost it all. There's no getting over this little slump. It's not like I have to weather through this depression. There's nothing on the other side. I fought, and I lost. I can't do another 39 years without that "goal". And the "goal" is never coming back. I am so incredibly sad. And there's no way around it because....well, I guess because the fight is over. I lost it all. I really can't stand this.
You know, I took another overdose a couple of nights ago. I've had such luck with those! *sigh* But this time I was zapping in the head, and my legs were buckling, and I felt like I was going to have seizure after seizure. And guess what? I just end up sleeping it off for a couple of days. You have no idea the "disappointment" that I felt to wake up to this same old life. The soul fights hard to stick around, doesn't it? I wonder why.
Anyways, I just wanted to TRY to explain this to you. I really do love you for cheerleading me on. *smile* And I'm happy that you made it through your own dark night. But I've lost my purpose, you know? I am who I am......which isn't much, believe me.....and not who I thought I was supposed to be. What was the point of everything then? I really don't want to die. Belive me, I've come through enough crap to know that I deserve to be here. *smile* And I know that my heart wants to be there for others....because sometimes that's all it takes....someone who gets it. And life IS worth living. But.....there's noplace else for me to go. I've run out of options. I can't spend the second half of my life receiving welfare and watching tv. And I don't have an education. One cop said that there certainly was a place for me because of all of the things I'd been through.....but did he tell me what that place was? I have no where to go. I can't find any answers.
Maybe I'll check out Open later tonight.
Take care. You've stuck by me for longer than was necessary. Thanks, Jlynne.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on May 17, 2004, at 3:13:25
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on May 16, 2004, at 20:32:47
I'm still here, Sandy. I don't pretend to have any answers for you; there is no way I can . . . but I will not give up hope for you. I will give up the cheerleading, though; I just want to talk straight now.
There has to be something that Canada has to offer someone in your situation. I honestly believe that if you could bring yourself to talk to a professional, a therapist, they could help you figure out something - and don't ask me what because I don't know; if I did, I would tell you. I do know that you are an intelligent woman, and you are capable of dealing with this predicament, with the right tools.
You have a choice; you can continue to talk yourself down and go nowhere, or you can swallow your pride and ask for help, and at least give yourself a chance for a future. No one has a crystal ball that they can look into and tell you that *this* or *that* will happen, but there are people who can provide information - and that is what you need right now - information.
This is your life, Sandy; and it is your children's lives. How you decide to deal with this will affect how they deal with life, too. If I were your best friend, sitting beside you right now, I would make you see that you can use that anger you are feeling and turn it into the strength that you need to do whatever it is that will turn your life around. And you can do this, Sandy; you can figure this out . . . I am just stating facts.
I hope I have not offended you in any way; I just refuse to believe that there are no answers. You just have to ask the right people.
I hope you still consider me your friend.
...jlynne
Posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 4:57:53
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 17, 2004, at 3:13:25
I try not to butt in on other people's threads, but Sandy: your life is not over at 39! Do you know how many people survive years of education and degrees and then find out they HATE their field of choice? or that they can't handle the stress of it? It happened to my sister. She stuck it out for years before going on disability leave caused by depression.
All that money, all that time, all those hopes... and she was not able to do the job she had gotten her degree in.
I don't have a degree. I am 41 years of age. I did go to night school for a certificate program, but never went further. There are so many aspirations and dreams I have yet to fulfill. But I will keep dreaming, and try to find my own path to happiness. (Right now I am trying to "find" my artistic skills in going through "The Artist's Way" to try to rediscover whatever pathestic excuse for creativity I expressed 25 years ago.) it might not go anywhere.
But I decided that I would not let a career or job EVER define who I am or how successful I am. Sandy is who Sandy is. Sandy is not a whole bunch of university courses that went nowhere.
Sandy is someone who, while raising children, managed to go to school to enrich and further herself. Our paths are hardly ever clear to us. Especially when we have made choices that haven't panned out (let me tell you about working in the PR field sometime!) that we have set all our hopes on.
Sandy - what I am trying to say is that your education and background are not all that define who you are. You're multidimensional - there are many facets to you, just like a beautifully cut diamond.
Now please, go apply for housing assistance, get some counselling, but please please please don't give up. You are so much more than you think you are right now.
And, if I may,
((((Sandy))))
partlycloudy
Posted by mystic on May 17, 2004, at 7:04:06
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 4:57:53
Partlycloudy...You go girl..what a great post...great inspiration to us all...Thanks for sharing...Your a great person...Mystic
Posted by mystic on May 17, 2004, at 7:05:40
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 17, 2004, at 3:13:25
Jlynne Your the bestest of the best...Great post...Luvya Mystic
Posted by Zena on May 17, 2004, at 12:42:45
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 17, 2004, at 3:13:25
Good posts jlynne & partlycloudy. I often wondered why she doesn't seek some kind of help.
Zena
Posted by SandyWeb on May 17, 2004, at 13:30:14
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by Zena on May 17, 2004, at 12:42:45
>I often wondered why she doesn't seek some kind of help.
> ZenaBecause I'm a freakin' idiot.
End of story. Case closed.
Bye guys.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 13:57:36
In reply to Re: Sandy » Zena, posted by SandyWeb on May 17, 2004, at 13:30:14
Sandy, I'm sorry if it sounded like I/we were trying to push you in any direction. If there is anything I can do to help you - say look for local resources for you (Nova Scotia, right?) I would be more than happy to.
I know that when I have been in the depths, I couldn't fathom where to start with my problems. Again, it would be my pleasure to give you a hand.
Take care,
partlycloudy.
Posted by mystic on May 17, 2004, at 18:37:34
In reply to Re: Sandy » Zena, posted by SandyWeb on May 17, 2004, at 13:30:14
Wow
Posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 18:53:07
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by mystic on May 17, 2004, at 18:37:34
Posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:34:32
In reply to What can I do? (nm), posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 18:53:07
I want to apologize for that outburst. It actually wasn't directed at any of you. I was very, very upset at myself for not being able to explain myself to you guys. I tried to explain something that was hurting me a lot, and I could tell from the responses that I hadn't done a good job of it. And, unfortunately, I seem to over-react lately to situations. Believe it or not, I'm actually a very CALM person. Lol. You'd never know that now.
Okay, onward and forward. As for seeking help. Well, I've done about all I can do other than go into "talk therapy". I'm not too excited with that idea for three reasons. 1. I don't explain myself well (haa haa), and thus I would lead the therapist in the wrong direction and then I'd get so frustrated and angry at myself and dig myself in even further. Argh! I can feel the blood pressure rising already. *smile* 2. I don't have much desire to open myself up to someone who doesn't reciprocate, you know? It's difficult to expose so much of yourself to one person. I know it's not a "friend-friend" relationship, but I've found myself extremely disadvantaged when I've let another know too much about me....and they've known how to use that against me. Not going to happen again. 3. And finally, I don't have much reason to believe that talk therapy would change a whit of anything. All it would do would be to make me see just how really hopeless it is. And, no...I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just know what the situation is, and I've been over it and over it. I don't need to actually voice it to another person and make myself feel even WORSE than I already do. And there aren't any answers...I just have to accept this new life...which I don't think I can do. But talking about it....naw. There's got to be better things to do than wallow.
As for other ways of helping myself, I've done a few things. I did eventually send in the appeal to get the Welfare reinstated. I waited until the last minute, and I think that was a self-damaging type action. But I did send the letter in, so HOPEFULLY we'll hear before too long that the money will be forthcoming.
I received the application for volunteering with Victim Services, but I haven't mailed it back yet. I'm scared that my recent history will destroy all hopes of getting on with them. All those calls were posted as "Suicide Attempt" on my information (I was shown this), so you know that won't go over too well. Also, my recent grades at school, my recent rents, and my recent bill payments won't go good for me. ALSO, they require 3 references....and I don't have any. I haven't a clue as to what to do about that. So, I think I would come off horribly on paper. And I really, really want to apply since they are recruiting right now.....but I don't know how I'd react if I got turned down.....and I fear they wouldn't even look twice at me. I'm scared to take the chance.
I've actually looked up jobs through Unemployment, but it gets rather depressing when I see that all I really qualify for are back-breaking, mind-dulling minimum wage jobs. I don't think I would last very long if I applied for any of those simply because I'd just stop going to work. But....at least I'm looking. Maybe I'll find something exciting by chance.
I would go to the food bank, but I don't have a car and I've put aside my relationship with my sister for the time being. She would come in and take me over for food, but since that pdoc made me tell my sister too much....I just can't be around her right now. It was a mistake. I knew I was crossing the line with that one, but I wanted out of that hospital sooo badly. It just all goes back to not letting anyone know too much about me.....and even though I trust my sister....it's just something I can't deal with. It's a self-preservation thing, I guess. Something I've learned from long ago. So...without my sister's vehicle, I can't get any food to my place. We have a grocery store right in our back yard here, so I just push the shopping cart right in. Talk about conveinence, huh? Lol. But I don't have the means to get anything from the food bank here....and I'm much too humiliated to ask for anyone's help. But we have enough, I guess.
Anyways, I just wanted to apologize again for coming across so harshly. It wasn't directed at you at all. I was so angry at me! I was thinking, "That's what I get for trying to explain something that's important to me." I do a real lousy job of it, especially when I don't even include all the information in it. I hope you can all forgive me for going psycho on you. I was just ready to throw the towel in at that point. I was so darn fed up with how my life was turning out.
I don't care too much for myself right now, and I'm not sure how long this will last. I do certainly see changes that I've gone through since this whole business started at the end of March, and I hope that I reach more of a stable level before too much longer. I guess I'm a work in progress. *smile* Hey, maybe I'll turn out to be a masterpiece when all is said and done!!
Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone.
Take care,
Sandy
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.