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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 291 to 315 of 545. Go back in thread:
Posted by SandyWeb on May 7, 2004, at 6:59:32
In reply to Re: FREAKED ME OUT!! » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 6, 2004, at 14:30:49
Hey all,
I'm feeling better now. Yeah! It's good to have some time left with you! *smile*
But what an odd night I had last night. I would wake up, and be totally confused as to where I was. I would look around the room, and try to figure out the layout of the apartment. I couldn't seem to get it right. Different times through the night this would happen, and it was a little disconcerting. It felt like I didn't know where I was, and I just couldn't figure out how the hallway looked, where the door went, etc. ODD!!
Then I kept waking up from the beginnings of nightmares. Never quite made it to a nightmare, though....just the scared feeling. Odd again!
And then this morning.....the best yet!! Lol! I thought it was Saturday rather than Friday!!!! I didn't get the kids up for school!! My radio alarm went off, and I was so surprised that The Breakfast Club gang had a program on Saturday....I thought they just did it on the weekdays! I looked out the window earlier in the morning to see what the weekend would look like. Then, around 8am, my daughter comes to me and asks why I didn't get her up. Well, because it's Saturday! Duh!
I may be feeling better, but I also think my brain is being taken over by another! Ha! What the heck is this all about? And I still feel all confused and weird today. Must have done a bad drug last night or something!! Ha ha!!!
Anyways, that's the beginning of my day. And how is yours?
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by susielalala on May 7, 2004, at 17:47:13
In reply to Odd Night, posted by SandyWeb on May 7, 2004, at 6:59:32
Can I ask you a question please? What meds are you on ?
Posted by SandyWeb on May 7, 2004, at 20:01:20
In reply to Re: Odd Night, posted by susielalala on May 7, 2004, at 17:47:13
> Can I ask you a question please? What meds are you on ?<
I haven't been on anything for about a month now. This is me au naturale! *smile* But I sure feel like my brain is fried!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on May 9, 2004, at 0:19:25
In reply to Re: Odd Night » susielalala, posted by SandyWeb on May 7, 2004, at 20:01:20
?
Posted by jlynne on May 9, 2004, at 10:59:12
In reply to What to Say?, posted by SandyWeb on May 9, 2004, at 0:19:25
I hope you have a lovely day, Sandy. I am getting ready to get ready to leave to see my mother. Having brunch with the kids, first.
We had a crazy time in open last night, eh? Nice to be able to be silly once in awhile (*smile*). I tell you, that room was getting crowded - kind of like a slumber party:~)
Take care, sweetie.
((((HUGS)))) ((((Sandy)))) ((((friends))))
...jlynne
Posted by mystic on May 9, 2004, at 14:24:17
In reply to Odd Night, posted by SandyWeb on May 7, 2004, at 6:59:32
Hey Sandy...Happy Mothers Day..hope you are able to enjoy a little bit of the day with the children...this is your day enjoy..Hope you are feeling a little better..Your freind mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on May 9, 2004, at 18:03:52
In reply to RE::: Happy Mothers Day Sandy, posted by mystic on May 9, 2004, at 14:24:17
Thanks, girls, for the Happy Mother's Day! They are the only well-wishes that I got, other than an email from my mum. The kids didn't even bother to mention it. Ho hum.
I might show up in Open later tonight, when the kids are in bed. Have to keep safe for the day.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by mystic on May 9, 2004, at 18:14:18
In reply to RE::: Happy Mothers Day Sandy, posted by mystic on May 9, 2004, at 14:24:17
Hey Sandy sorry about the kids..they might not have remembered or you know how young children are...But I'm sure they love you and that they appreciate you every day!!!!!....My daughter just started buying mothers day cards and I know that she loves me...Hang in there my little friend...Take care luvya Mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on May 11, 2004, at 23:03:58
In reply to RE::: hey sandy, posted by mystic on May 9, 2004, at 18:14:18
Hey there,
Can anyone get the chat function to work for Open? I keep trying tonight, and it sends me over to Yahoo Chat. I don't want to go there! Lol.
Am I doing something weird, or are you all not able to get in???
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on May 12, 2004, at 0:09:31
In reply to Open, posted by SandyWeb on May 11, 2004, at 23:03:58
Sandy, I am in open now . . . you are probably in bed, tho. Who knows what the problem is/was?? Yahoo has a mind of its own. Sorry I missed you, tho. My younger daughter took me out to dinner tonight and we made an evening of it. She had to work on mothers' day, so we made up for it tonight.
I hope to see you in open again, sweetie.
((((Sandy)))) ((((HUGS)))) ((((friendship))))
...jlynne
Posted by LynneDa on May 12, 2004, at 11:49:21
In reply to Re: Open » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 12, 2004, at 0:09:31
Hi Sandy - Just checking in to see how you're doing. Are you having some up days? I'm playing with my med dosage, trying to get rid of my fogginess and grogginess without bringing back depression & anxiety, so not sure how the next week or so will go!
I hope you're having fun in Open and able to get some support and positive energy! I'm heading to Philly for a few days, for work, so won't be on-line til next Monday.
Take good care, okay???
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by jlynne on May 13, 2004, at 0:24:18
In reply to Re: Open » jlynne, posted by LynneDa on May 12, 2004, at 11:49:21
Hey, Sandy . . . missed you today. How are you doing, sweetie? I think I ate too much chinese food last night - and then leftovers tonight . . . my pants feel kinda tight:~)
How are your *angels*? Did you find out why they are no longer partners? They are probably both so good that their supervisor assigned them each to some rookies to train, eh?
Talk to you soon:~)
((((Sandy)))) ((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 14:07:33
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 13, 2004, at 0:24:18
How you doing, sweetie . . . haven't heard your lovely voice in quite awhile:~)
I hope you think about us and drop a line or two soon; if you stay away too long you will end up having to write a book in order to catch us up! (*smile*)
I am thinking about you, and you are always in my prayers, Sandy.
((((HUGS)))) ((((smiles)))) ((((friendship))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 16:56:10
In reply to Miss you, Sandy . . ., posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 14:07:33
It's a really, really bad day today. I don't know what is happening. I feel like I'm stoned! It even hurts to read this screen, and it's the first time I've been on the computer in 2 days.
Actually, I've been in bed since Thursday!!! How many hours is that??? And I feel so odd! And I have to go to the washroom and cry and cry. Then I come back out and FLOAT all over the place. I swear I'm on some kind of drug!
I feel just awful. This has to be one of the worse days since all this lovelyness has started with me. I can't stand it. I'm so out of it, and I'm so sad, and I'm so mad, and I'm so hopeless, and I'm so blah!
I want the sun to hurry up and go down. The light bothers me. I want it to be dark. I feel so odd.
Sorry to have disappeared for a few days. The brain has been doing funky things.
Sandra
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 17:23:47
In reply to Re: Miss you, Sandy . . . » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 16:56:10
Sandy, how awful that you feel this way. I can remember going through something like that, and I am trying to remember what I did about it. I think it usually happened after spending a lot of time in bed, like you just did.
I think being horizontal for awhile helps, and I think getting some fluids in your body might help, too (something sweet, like juice or soda).
The sadness and crying will come and go, but it won't last forever, sweetie - it is part of the healing process. Are you able to eat? If you're not eating, that will add to the feeling of despair. I used to drink instant breakfast when I couldn't get anything else down.
Hang in there, love . . . it *will* get better, I promise.
((((Sandy)))) ((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 18:02:32
In reply to Re: Miss you, Sandy . . . » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 17:23:47
> I think being horizontal for awhile helps <
Sorry, I meant to say being "vertical" helps . . .
. . . blame it on the meds - - certainly *NOT* my AGE! (*smile*)
((((maturity))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 20:59:00
In reply to Re: Miss you, Sandy . . . » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 17:23:47
Difficult time tonight. I don't think I've enjoyed 2004. *lopsided smile*
Sandra
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:28:13
In reply to Re: Miss you, Sandy . . ., posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 20:59:00
Sandy, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time tonight, and I can certainly understand about 2004 being an unlikeable year for you. But, you know what?? Once you are through this, you will NEVER have to go through it again - it might get bad, but it will never get *THIS* bad ever again; I promise!
Ride the waves, sweetie; float on your back if you have to.
((((HUGS)))) ((((next year)))) ((((better times))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 22:44:16
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:28:13
I'm sick of hearing them and you're sick of saying them.
Once I get through this?? Not likely. It's never-ending. And we're all tired of it.
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:53:45
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 22:44:16
I'm still here, Sandy . . . I'm not going anywhere.
If it's really getting bad Sandy, please call the hospital. You don't need to go through this alone, sweetie.
((((Sandy))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 22:59:52
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:53:45
I'm in Open.
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 23:01:57
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:53:45
And of course I'm not going to call the hospital. Treat you with RESIDENTS....just trying to put in their hours. They don't give a hoot.
And I don't give a hoot.
And I'm drinking. Ha!
Easier when things are unreal.
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 23:12:31
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:53:45
I'm going to sleep for tonight.
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 23:44:13
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 23:12:31
Good night Sandy. I hope you feel better in the morning.
((((sweet dreams)))) ((((tomorrow)))) ((((HUGS))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 16, 2004, at 20:32:47
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:28:13
Jlynne,
You're a sweetie and I appreciate all the love notes you've sent, but I don't think you quite understand. I can't tell you how much it means to have someone in your corner, but....you keep mentioning about when I get through this and how much better it will be. But you know what? This IS it. I'm really horrible at trying to explain things, but I'll try.
Here I am at halfway through my life, and I don't have anything to show for it. The first 39 years have been filled with a lot of nasty and quite traumatic experiences, but.....there was always the future. There was always the knowledge that everything I was learning along the way would be used for a better purpose when I reached the goal. There was hope. There was that "something" to keep fighting towards. And so you could throw as much junk at me as you wanted, and I was going to survive....simply because there was a goal to reach....and all that junk would make me a better person when I got to the goal.....and all that junk would make me stronger in order to give back to others when I reached that goal.....
And the "goal" didn't necessarily have to be nursing. That felt right after SwissAir. It fulfilled the goal. It was a means to give back, and I could utilize everything I'd experienced with the wide varity of patients I'd encounter. But it could have just as well been social work or probation officer. I was meant to be the "good guy", you know? Why else would I see so much badness, other than to turn that around and help others?
So each new experience was not necessarily welcomed (lol!), but it certainly wasn't going to destroy me. There was a reason for me to see this or go through that. It would enable me to have a better understanding of a particular patient.
But now I'm at the halfway point....and I've lost it all. There are no more funds for ANY type of education. I have a ton of university courses under my belt....but no degree. And....that's the end of that. It's not like I can save up for it. Ha! That part of my life is over. So I can't work in any field that I thought I was supposed to be in. My experiences are for nil.
I can't afford this apartment anymore. In fact, here we are at May 16th, and I still haven't paid the rent and don't even have a notion as to when to expect any money. I did finally turn in the appeal, but.....who knows?
The police horse is now in the city, and Carly will be able to start helping with him soon. But....we can't live here anymore. So, I'll have to take this away from her and she is sooo excited to work with Justice.
I didn't pay one bill last month, just so we could have groceries. Groceries are gone now, no money, and bills are due again.
What job can I get? I could be a chamber maid. I suppose I could be a cashier. And do you really think I'm going to work my butt off for the next 39 years, doing something that feels like death?? I might as well take death, you know.
It's just not like this is a funk that I'm going to get out of. This IS my life now. I have to accept that. And you know what? I CAN'T. I just can't believe that this is my life. I can't believe that. I mean, I fought for so long to get to this point.....and now it's over. I've lost it all. There's no getting over this little slump. It's not like I have to weather through this depression. There's nothing on the other side. I fought, and I lost. I can't do another 39 years without that "goal". And the "goal" is never coming back. I am so incredibly sad. And there's no way around it because....well, I guess because the fight is over. I lost it all. I really can't stand this.
You know, I took another overdose a couple of nights ago. I've had such luck with those! *sigh* But this time I was zapping in the head, and my legs were buckling, and I felt like I was going to have seizure after seizure. And guess what? I just end up sleeping it off for a couple of days. You have no idea the "disappointment" that I felt to wake up to this same old life. The soul fights hard to stick around, doesn't it? I wonder why.
Anyways, I just wanted to TRY to explain this to you. I really do love you for cheerleading me on. *smile* And I'm happy that you made it through your own dark night. But I've lost my purpose, you know? I am who I am......which isn't much, believe me.....and not who I thought I was supposed to be. What was the point of everything then? I really don't want to die. Belive me, I've come through enough crap to know that I deserve to be here. *smile* And I know that my heart wants to be there for others....because sometimes that's all it takes....someone who gets it. And life IS worth living. But.....there's noplace else for me to go. I've run out of options. I can't spend the second half of my life receiving welfare and watching tv. And I don't have an education. One cop said that there certainly was a place for me because of all of the things I'd been through.....but did he tell me what that place was? I have no where to go. I can't find any answers.
Maybe I'll check out Open later tonight.
Take care. You've stuck by me for longer than was necessary. Thanks, Jlynne.
Hugs,
Sandy
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