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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by jammerlich on July 23, 2007, at 14:51:20
In reply to Re: Needs and my situation with T.....help!!, posted by Maria01 on July 23, 2007, at 9:57:41
Sadly, my money is on "unwilling," too. Though, my hope is that it's just some huge miscommunication that we can work out. I'm just not sure it's a good idea to have any hope right now. I might just be setting myself up for more disappointment.
Sigh.
Posted by jammerlich on July 23, 2007, at 14:55:35
In reply to Re: Needs and my situation with T.....help!! » jammerlich, posted by Honore on July 23, 2007, at 11:17:23
Thanks for writing, Honore. And for saying that it's OK to need and to call often. It's such a hard thing to believe. I probably wouldn't even consider it possible without you and all these other wonderful babblers.
Thanks for noticing that she has great qualities, too. She really does and I'm sure she's the perfect T for lots of people. I do know, however, that she may not be the perfect T for me and that it's time to find out and move on, if need be. It really sucks, but I do know it.
Posted by Maria01 on July 23, 2007, at 15:32:18
In reply to Re: Needs and my situation with T.....help!! » Maria01, posted by jammerlich on July 23, 2007, at 14:51:20
Oh, man. Yeah, you might have to guard against disppointment..ideally, one shouldn't have to do that with a therapist. In this case, though, it might be warranted until you can find out for sure what is going on.
From what you've posted, I think she just doesn't have the capacity. It's no reflection on you, just a reflection of who she is and how she works. ...doesn't lessen your pain, though.
Posted by jammerlich on July 23, 2007, at 15:43:32
In reply to Re: Needs and my situation with T.....help!!, posted by Maria01 on July 23, 2007, at 15:32:18
Actually, I think she DOES have the capacity. What I'd like from her is exactly what she gave when I saw her the first time around. I'm more inclined to believe she just isn't willing to do that type of therapy with ME anymore, not that she isn't willing or able to do it at all. And that is probably the worst part of it for me.
Posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 16:32:53
In reply to Re: Needs -- Jammer + Daisy......for DAISY and » slugdoo, posted by jammerlich on July 23, 2007, at 14:40:16
Whew! I am glad you are not mad. Is there a way you can tell her that what she did during this time really helped you so she will know more about what you need from her?
Posted by Maria01 on July 23, 2007, at 16:49:13
In reply to Re: Needs and my situation with T.....help!! » Maria01, posted by jammerlich on July 23, 2007, at 15:43:32
That is especially gut-wrenching, knowing she does have that capacity and is just not willing. Went thru a lot of that with my ex-T; the capacity was there, as evidenced by how she behaved early on, but the willingness went south in the last month I was working with her.
I'm hoping now that I'm with someone who is both willing and able, and I hope that you are able to find the same, be it with your currrent T, or with someone else. It is the least we can do for ourselves.
Posted by DAisym on July 23, 2007, at 17:22:18
In reply to Re: Needs and my situation with T.....help!! » DAisym, posted by jammerlich on July 23, 2007, at 14:21:37
Daisy, what do you think about the use of medication to get through the telling? And I mean if you can be stable if you weren't talking about it. She seems to think that meds are the way to go to make it easier.
****Remember I'm biased in some ways because I went on medication to regain my stability. There came a point when I had to talk about the abuse - both now and in the past. But talking about it was such a shock to my system and it unleashed so many powerful emotions that I went into crisis pretty quickly. From everything I've read, this happens frequently. So I think medications are very useful to help "maintain." Medications can also reduce the anxiety that is keeping you from telling. These are useful if your stories are in the room and on your mind a lot -- but not out there for discussion. My son made use of therapy after he was on medication for anxiety. So in that way, medication can make it easier.
I guess I think about how everyone says it'll come when it's ready to come and think if you need medication to be "ready" then maybe something else is wrong with the situation. But maybe that's because I really DO feel that something else is wrong with mine.
******I don't think I agree that "if you need medication something else is wrong" -- sometimes it takes the calming of anxiety and getting enough sleep to focus on this huge step. But I don't think medication alone opens the door to the telling - there must be containment on the part of the therapist as well. It is kind of like taking medication for a condition that also needs surgery. You need the medication to be ready for the surgery but if the hospital or doctor does not inspire confidence you aren't likely to agree to the surgery. So then the medication either "just" keeps you in a holding pattern or doesn't help as much as it might.
To me, it seems like she wants me on meds to make things easier on HER (so I won't call or whatever)and not so much for me, really. Maybe if I really believed she'd be there for me, I'd be more open to them. Not that I don't have other issues with them, because I do. There are lots of obstacles in that department.
****I have huge struggles around my feelings about medications - for me. For anyone else I'd say, "use whatever you can to feel better." Like all things, there are risks and benefits. I've hated some of what I've been on and been saved by other stuff. I still get mad at my therapist when he (oh-so-carefully) asks about my meds or the pdoc appointments. I get it in my head that he doesn't want to deal with the fallout of telling and all the dependency needs. But the honest truth, when I can remember it, is that he hates to see me suffer. His word - suffer. He never withdraws his support, as if it could ever be replaced with a medication. But he knows he can't be there at 3am, so sleeping is a good thing. And I think his experience is that the medications take the edge off the really hard stuff we are working on so that I can keep functioning and we can keep working on it. What point would there be to jump into working on the stuff that is making your life miserable if you can't function at all in your life by jumping into it?
Jammer - I think you keep answering your own question. You are not at the point of trusting this therapist to tell. Even if she says she can do everything you want, you don't know it inside yourself. You feel pushed away, you know you frustrate her and she tells you how confused she is about how to help you. Until the trust is back in place, the stories will stay hidden. I think you are so right that talking about what you need in order to go deeper is the exact right track. I doubt it matters this week or next. I agree getting disrupted this week seems like a bad idea. Taking control of when to talk about this is actually a good thing and more practice at self-care, though I know it is hard to wait.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 23, 2007, at 18:40:42
In reply to Another question for everyone, posted by jammerlich on July 23, 2007, at 10:56:57
I think you can probably afford to wait. On the other hand, if she had a really great response, you would probably be in better shape for the move. But there's really no way to know that.
Will you obsess about it between now and next week, though? Because that's what I'd do. And in that case, it might be better to go ahead and get it over with.
Posted by jammerlich on July 24, 2007, at 15:46:16
In reply to Re: Another question for everyone » jammerlich, posted by TherapyGirl on July 23, 2007, at 18:40:42
And she did start out by trying to talk about last week. So, points for her there. At least she realizes that something about it was a big deal. I told her that I'd been thinking about it a lot and had some very specific things to say; but that I wanted to wait until next week because I have a lot to do this week and don't want any added disruption.
She asked what I was going to "do with it" this week if we didn't go ahead and talk about it. That felt like she didn't think it was a good idea. But, I told her I'd been thinking about all the possible outcomes and some seemed bad enough to me that I worried I might not be able to do what I need to do. She seemed to understand that and didn't push at all. Just asked if I still wanted to come to my appt. on Thurs. I didn't know, so we decided to wait and talk about it again at the end.
Then we went on to have a really, really good session. I even told her about something that triggered me pretty badly over the weekend and relates to all the stuff I can't seem to talk about. Go figure. Of course, I also wanted to add, "And I really would liked to have CALLED you; but, I wasn't sure it'd be OK!!"
So, we got to the end and she asked about Thurs. I said I'd like to come if that was OK. She said it was.....and in a way that seemed really genuine. I looked at her, felt so strongly how very badly I want this to work out with her, and got all choked up. She asked what I was going to say and I just shook my head. She said, "Jammer, I'm sorry if I upset you last week. I really didn't intend to do that." I think it's odd that she would find it at all surprising that I would be upset by what happened; but, it was a nice thing to hear. It felt real.
This is going to be even harder than I thought. I hope you all don't get tired of it before next Tuesday because I'm going to need you all if I have any hope of maintaining my resolve.
Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2007, at 17:05:59
In reply to I went, posted by jammerlich on July 24, 2007, at 15:46:16
Jammer, that's great!
You know, I decided that my therapist was right for me first, and then we negotiated the ways that he could and couldn't meet my needs. Because of that, we really did end up finding things that met my needs just fine, even if they weren't what I would have wished for if I'd have been able to create my own therapy.
She sounds like she cares, and that's a great start. Maybe you two can figure out some ways to meet your needs in a way that both of you are comfortable with.
I'm glad it was a great session. :)
(Isn't it funny how great sessions often follow horrible ones, and great sessions are often followed by boring ones? There seems to be some goodness measure that ought to be doled out session by session, but somehow gets unevenly distributed.)
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 24, 2007, at 17:39:59
In reply to I went, posted by jammerlich on July 24, 2007, at 15:46:16
It sounds like you both did a good job today, Jammer. And I'll for sure help you hang in there until next Tuesday.
Glad you had a good session.
Posted by LadyBug on July 24, 2007, at 21:00:32
In reply to I went, posted by jammerlich on July 24, 2007, at 15:46:16
Posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 22:16:57
In reply to I went, posted by jammerlich on July 24, 2007, at 15:46:16
awww Jammer, this T has potential....
But I dunno....
Damn this is HARD for you, I'm sorry.
Just hate to see you leave her until you've hashed it out well with her. Which seems to be your plan.
Hope it works out not too hard anyeways.
Good luck w/moving too etc.
I going away mebbe thursday...
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by jammerlich on July 25, 2007, at 11:59:40
In reply to Re: I went » jammerlich, posted by Dinah on July 24, 2007, at 17:05:59
Well, it doesn't really seem very great to me. I WANT it to work out even more than I did before; but, I'm no more confident that it actually WILL. And that just feels like a recipe for disappointment.
Do you think the sessions following horrible ones are really all that great or do they just seem great because we're so discouraged from the horrible one that we keep our expectations low? I think, at least in part, I was just delighted it didn't go as horribly as the one before.
You're right, it does sound like she cares; though, I'm not sure I ever really doubted that part. She has a lot of very lovely qualities. I just wish that were always enough.
Posted by jammerlich on July 25, 2007, at 12:01:18
In reply to Re: I went » jammerlich, posted by TherapyGirl on July 24, 2007, at 17:39:59
Thank you for saying you'll stick around, TG. I think I already need the help. I'm feeling very discouraged today....kind of in the "I should just suck it up and take whatever it is she offers" sort of way.
Posted by jammerlich on July 25, 2007, at 12:01:57
In reply to Re: I went)I'm glad things went well for you! (nm) » jammerlich, posted by LadyBug on July 24, 2007, at 21:00:32
Posted by jammerlich on July 25, 2007, at 12:05:20
In reply to Re: I went » jammerlich, posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 22:16:57
I'm going to miss you while you're away, muffly. Have a really great time, OK? As much as you can.
I think you go back and forth about my T as much as I do! It helps so much to know I'm not the only one.
No, I won't leave her without hashing it out at least a little. That's what I did last time and I've promised her (and myself) that I will never do that again. But, it's a very hard promise to keep right now.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 25, 2007, at 18:25:09
In reply to Re: I went » TherapyGirl, posted by jammerlich on July 25, 2007, at 12:01:18
> Thank you for saying you'll stick around, TG. I think I already need the help.
**Happy to be able to help out in whatever way I can.
> I'm feeling very discouraged today....kind of in the "I should just suck it up and take whatever it is she offers" sort of way.
Can I just point out here that this is abused child kind of thinking? We will just take whatever is offered and never speak up and never get enough of what we need. That's one of the reasons you're in therapy to start with. It would be one thing if you were asking to move in with her. But as far as I can tell, you are asking for realistic and appropriate things to address your needs. Please, please try not to minimize them or yourself. Okay?
You're worth this, Jammer. And I hope she will come through for you. But if not, I feel pretty positive that you can find a T who will.
Posted by sunnydays on July 26, 2007, at 8:28:31
In reply to Re: Needs and my situation with T.....help!! » DAisym, posted by jammerlich on July 23, 2007, at 14:21:37
Hi jammer,
I'm late to this thread and haven't read the whole thing yet, so sorry if this issue isn't important anymore. But I wanted to respond to your question to Daisy about using meds to get through the telling. I started meds at the beginning just because I had a lot of trouble talking. My T said sometimes people are so anxious or depressed that they can't do work in therapy other than crisis control. Meds can help stabilize some of the symptoms, which may be caused by the underlying 'stuff' you're dealing with anyway. It's not cheating or anything. It just means that you can more effectively get at the root of what may be causing the symptoms.Of course, that's just my two cents, you can take it or leave it. No pressure here one way or another.
sunnydays
Posted by jammerlich on July 26, 2007, at 8:49:52
In reply to Re: Needs and my situation with T.....help!! » jammerlich, posted by sunnydays on July 26, 2007, at 8:28:31
Thank you, sd. It's all still very important and your message was very timely as I have my first ever pdoc appt. later this afternoon. I REALLY don't want to go. Mostly because I don't want to have to let a new person into my business.
Posted by jammerlich on July 26, 2007, at 8:54:30
In reply to Re: I went, posted by TherapyGirl on July 25, 2007, at 18:25:09
I think there's a little part somewhere inside me who knows what I want is OK. The main reason I think I should suck it up, though, is because I SO don't want to lose her, and I'd prefer not to rock the boat. It would have helped NOT to have had such a great session. Maybe today will be mediocre and that will help?
Posted by muffled on July 26, 2007, at 22:12:47
In reply to Re: I went » TherapyGirl, posted by jammerlich on July 26, 2007, at 8:54:30
Sometimes when i get scared I want to run away from my T.
Sometimes when i felt like I might get attached I wanted to run away from my T.
Sometimes when I feel like my T is starting to know me I want to run away from my T.
Sometimes when i feel like I not good enuf i want to run away from my T.
Sigh.
T is HARD.
(((Jammer)))
M
Posted by jammerlich on July 26, 2007, at 22:59:28
In reply to Good luck w/p-doc and T » jammerlich, posted by muffled on July 26, 2007, at 22:12:47
You are so right, Muffly. T IS hard...very, very hard. And I'm with you, pretty much anything even semi-intense, be it positive or negative, has me wanting to bolt. Why is that, do you think?
Thanks for keeping an eye on this thread, still. It was starting to feel lonely up here.
Posted by jammerlich on July 31, 2007, at 10:43:33
In reply to Re: I went, posted by TherapyGirl on July 25, 2007, at 18:25:09
Posted by muffled on July 31, 2007, at 12:25:58
In reply to today's the day :-( (nm), posted by jammerlich on July 31, 2007, at 10:43:33
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