![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 34. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:59:58
So, I'm a little freaked.
Had my T appt. today.
I finally have made it clear bout my inside 'people' as I call them to her.
I was a little upset that she seemed weirded out by the idea.
Then she said it was cuz ethically she can't deal with such cuz she doesn't have experience with someone so separated. She kept trying to make me understand that its all just me.
I KNOW THAT.
Then she starts using the word 'integration', that all of me goto come together.
F*CK THAT.
I'd just written in a fax as how I'm quite content with my people and we working things out and I'm much calmer for it.
So after the appt. I sent her another fax or 2 bout how it is with my people and how I'm good w/it and how they DON'T need to 'integrate' and really thats a very invalidating word to use.
Then I went off bout evil stuff and bout whether she has really experienced evil etc.
I think it proly came across as REALLY nutty.
And I'm pretty sure she was still in her office.
But she hasn't phoned me and I thot she might.
And I wonder if she even got the faxes?
Or horror of horrors I faxed them to the wrong place?
I'm FINALLY being totally honest and straight w/her and now I freaking that it was the wrong thing to do.
I shouldn't have let her see who I am, cuz now she'll know I'm a freak, and she gonna look at me differently.
She won't trust me or like me anymore cuz I so crazy.
Or she gonna think she screwing me up and she's not.
Its going good for me.
And also, she asked me bout self injury and I said I haven't and inside I felt rather proud of myself, but she didn't say nothing.
DUMB BITCH didn't beleive me.
I'm freaking.
SH*T> SH*T> SH*T>
I am such and IDIOT.
Posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 22:48:40
In reply to I SCREWED up dammmit :-(, posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:59:58
((((((Muffled)))))))
I'm dozing at the screen right now but I wanted to say that you are not not not a loser. And, though it might not mean much, I'm very proud of you for not SI. It's a terribly hard thing to stay on-track with, and you've been honest about it before, so I definately believe you now. Not as good as your T saying it I bet, but I mean it.Will you call tomorrow to see it the faxes made it?
Take care tonight -- stay strong.
hugs until tomorrow, Elaine
Posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 23:00:06
In reply to Re: I SCREWED up dammmit :-( » muffled, posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 22:48:40
Thanks El. Iknow your struggling too. :-(
Muffy
Posted by caraher on August 15, 2006, at 23:33:29
In reply to I SCREWED up dammmit :-(, posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:59:58
(((muffled)))
You're not an idiot at all! You are brave to tell her all those things, and it's a terrible shame you didn't receive the support you needed this time. You're right to be proud of your victories over SI, and no matter how you differ over whether "integration" is something desirable she should certainly be able to cheer your good news!
It definitely seems like she feels that she's in over her head, and pretty much told you as much. I wonder if you'll do better next time, or if you might want to look for someone who feels more comfortable with you?
Continue to love and take care of yourself.
Posted by Jost on August 15, 2006, at 23:49:19
In reply to I SCREWED up dammmit :-(, posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:59:58
Muffled, don't panic. Your T may not have thought/felt what you're afraid of. Could be she didn't handle things well--maybe didn't say the right thing, or the thing that would help you, in the momentt
Maybe she's unsure of herself, and that came across to you as disapproval. Esp. because she might have worried that she had hurt or disturbed you with talking about integration.
Even if she was weirded out-- because she hadn't realized--remember, that alone can cause people to feel strange-- if they have thought they understood, and suddenly realize they haven't--
And even if you wrote something that might seem intense, or be about something your T doesn't understand yet-- and she wanted to wait rather than react too quickly. I'm sure she's going to want to understand better. And you might understand better with her-- both of you might find out new things about you.
Don't close the door. Give your T, and yourself, some time.
Most importantly: You haven't screwed up. That's the one thing here that I"m sure of. You took a chance. That's great.Okay? This could take a while-- and it could be bumpy, but it's an important important step.
Get some rest, and have a little faith.
Jost
Posted by happyflower on August 16, 2006, at 8:28:24
In reply to Re: I SCREWED up dammmit :-( » muffled, posted by Jost on August 15, 2006, at 23:49:19
You are so brave and have done such great work with your T . Go to your next appointment, after she has had time to think about it all, and see what she says. I am thinking about you. (((((muffy))))
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 16, 2006, at 8:59:22
In reply to I SCREWED up dammmit :-(, posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:59:58
Muffy, at least give her a chance, okay? Like HF said, the two of you have done good work together. Maybe she'll deal with it better than you think and just needs some time to think it through more.
((((((((MUFFY))))))))))
Posted by Daisym on August 16, 2006, at 9:36:38
In reply to I SCREWED up dammmit :-(, posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:59:58
Integration is a scary word. You have a lot to talk about. But stop for a minute and let yourself be proud -- how brave you were to tell the truth!! I know the work you are doing is hard and painful. And sometimes one part is really angry at other parts. Perhaps the next step is getting them all to coexist peacefully, not getting rid of any part, or stuffing down any part.
I hope you can find a way to keep working with your therapist. She seems to really want to help you.
Daisy
Posted by llrrrpp on August 16, 2006, at 10:18:41
In reply to Re: I SCREWED up dammmit :-(, posted by Daisym on August 16, 2006, at 9:36:38
(((((((((((Muffly))))))))))))
I don't know much about psychological integration. I only know about mathematics, where
Integration is Anti-Differentiation.
Hmm. doesn't sound that bad does it?
I think your T was caught off guard. Give her a chance to reflect, and go to your next session with the goal of trying to figure out why that word is so disturbing to you. Tell her how you felt when you saw her facial reaction. You guys are a powerful team, and I think together you can figure out where to go from here.
In the meanwhile, find yourself a fluffly blanket, and a cool place to rest in your MuffledCave.
((((((Mufflie)))))))
Posted by Poet on August 16, 2006, at 19:12:08
In reply to I SCREWED up dammmit :-(, posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:59:58
Hi Muffled,
I think she should have believed you about that you haven't self injured and should not have visably freaked about what you disclosed to her.
I don't see where you screwed up. My T is forever telling me I need...should...must...tell her things that I am thinking or feeling. It seems to me what you did was share something your T needed to know about you. My T would fall over if I openly did that.
I hope she got the fax and is now prepared to talk to you about her reaction to what you said and what you wrote.
You've vested time and effort into therapy and I think you don't deserve the blame you're placing on yourself.
Try hard not to freak and hide as long as you need to in your special cave, but remember to post us, okay?
(((((Muffy))))) safe cyber hugs.
Poet
Posted by littleone on August 17, 2006, at 0:23:06
In reply to I SCREWED up dammmit :-(, posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:59:58
I bet she's actually pleased with what's happened because:
> I'm FINALLY being totally honest and straight w/her
You've taken such a big step muffled. I know it's real hard for you right now. But you've done *so* well. And I mean that both from the point of view of being more open with your T and also because you haven't SI'ed. Both of those things are very very hard. I think you did really good.
> I am such and IDIOT.
No you're not. You're kicking yourself, probably thinking you've set yourself up to be hurt. But you're no idiot. Just trying to get through this as best as you can.
Sending you warm thoughts.
Posted by Estella on August 17, 2006, at 7:51:08
In reply to I SCREWED up dammmit :-(, posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 20:59:58
Hey Muffled.
I don't think you screwed up sweetie. Really. Really really really really. Can you write down some of your concerns? I used to do that sometimes. Write them down and give them to t and let t keep them so t can have a think about them. Sometimes t's need time to process stuff just like we need time to process stuff.
From stuff that you have said it sounds like you have a good t. You have told her stuff and you were really scared about how she was going to take it, and she really pulled through for you. With parts... Sometimes t's aren't sure about them... Aren't sure about whether they are qualified to work with somebody who has them. Some clinician's feel the same way about substance abuse too. Especially when they haven't been told much about what do do if a client presents with those issues. Sometimes they are just told to pass the client on to somebody else who has been trained.
I'm kinda distinctive in that I don't think a t needs special training in how to do therapy with someone who has parts. But that being said I've found different t's to be more or less helpful... Same goes for substance abuse. I had one t who really freaked about my substance abuse. She tried to pass me on to someone else who was trained in it. Truth be told I found her a whole heap more helpful than the specialist substance abuse t.
It might be that your t has only heard about parts in the context of some fairly... um... 'out there' strategies for treating people with parts. What she may have temporarily forgotten is that she has been seeing you for... How long now? And you are the same person you always have been...
> Then she said it was cuz ethically she can't deal with such cuz she doesn't have experience with someone so separated.
Yeah. I've heard that one before... Maybe you could reassure her a bit? How do you envisage therapy changing from how it was progressing before? Would you like to talk about your parts with her? Would you like her to meet your parts? Maybe you could write a little about that and you guys could discuss it?
>She kept trying to make me understand that its all just me.
> I KNOW THAT.Yeah. I guess... She doesn't know that you know that, though. Maybe... You could tell her that too? How you view your parts. The sense you make of them. Why you think of them as parts. Stuff like that. She probably didn't know what to say...
> I'd just written in a fax as how I'm quite content with my people and we working things out and I'm much calmer for it.
So... You want her to help you figure some of that out. Kind of like... Intrapersonal communication (which involves a lot of the same techniques as inter-personal communication). I would figure that she would know a whole heap of helpful stuff about inter-personal communication that could be really helpful to you...
> Then I went off bout evil stuff and bout whether she has really experienced evil etc.
You kinda... Push her away a bit to see whether she will stick around or reject you. I do that. Maybe I'm projecting that on to you...
> I'm FINALLY being totally honest and straight w/her and now I freaking that it was the wrong thing to do.
Yeah, you kinda are... I guess that... Maybe you need to do a little more now. Tell her that you think she CAN help you and that you don't see any use for a specialist etc. Tell her about how you view them and the understanding you have of them etc. Tell her what kinds of things you think she could help you with.
It is kinda hard... I understand.
Posted by muffled on August 17, 2006, at 11:28:56
In reply to Re: I SCREWED up dammmit :-(, posted by Estella on August 17, 2006, at 7:51:08
I'm still kinda freaked.
But ALOT less.
You guys helped alot.
I can hear good things now. My T helped me with that.
Now I goto re read your posts and do some work on it.
Its nice to be understood and accepted.
It really is.
I'll write more.
I left a message on my T's machine yesterday.
She hasn't called back yet :-(
But I guess she will.
Just goto think some.
Just wanto let you guys know that you REALLY, REALLY helped lots.
TONS.
Thank you.
Muffled
Posted by happyflower on August 17, 2006, at 20:15:51
In reply to ((((((Thanks so much guys))))), posted by muffled on August 17, 2006, at 11:28:56
Hi \Muffy, I love oyou, I am so drunk.. HEeeheehehehe .. but I do love you! hahahaha!
Posted by muffled on August 18, 2006, at 16:52:36
In reply to Re: ((((((Thanks so much guys))))), posted by happyflower on August 17, 2006, at 20:15:51
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2006, at 17:06:22
In reply to T still hasn't called :-( Gulp :-( (nm), posted by muffled on August 18, 2006, at 16:52:36
When's your next appointment?
Posted by muffled on August 18, 2006, at 17:35:16
In reply to :-( » muffled, posted by Dinah on August 18, 2006, at 17:06:22
and she forbids calls on weekends.
I dunno where she is.
I even phoned her cell. I rarely call her cell. I didn't leave message, but I think she has call display. Maybe I'll leave a message on her cell asking if she has checked her office messages.
Or am I being a pest???
I REALLY don't wanto be a pest but I kinda freaked.
Mebbe she is away?
Mebbe she told me that?
I was kinda wigged out last Tues.
But its really bugging me, so I thot insteada stewing bout it I'd ask her.
But no answer :-(
I just asked on the message I left on Wed., if she had received my faxes.
I thot that might prompt a call.
I thot she usu checks her messages.
So I just don't know......
I just don't know..... :-(
Muffled
Posted by sunnydays on August 18, 2006, at 19:00:12
In reply to Tuesday. I been phoning but only message mach... » Dinah, posted by muffled on August 18, 2006, at 17:35:16
I think you should leave a message on her cell phone. It's a lot better than you worrying about it the whole weekend. Of course, I'm not one to talk since I'm going to worry about my T all weekend when I could just as easily call and leave him a message and alleviate all my fears. Good luck. (((muffled))), if you want hugs.
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on August 18, 2006, at 21:22:51
In reply to Re: Tuesday. I been phoning but only message mach... » muffled, posted by sunnydays on August 18, 2006, at 19:00:12
> I think you should leave a message on her cell phone. It's a lot better than you worrying about it the whole weekend. Of course, I'm not one to talk since I'm going to worry about my T all weekend when I could just as easily call and leave him a message and alleviate all my fears. Good luck. (((muffled))), if you want hugs.
>
> sunnydays***Sigh, I did. At 4pm or so.
Now its 7 pm :-(
Mebbe she said she was going away and I forgot.
Sometimes I so stupid.
But I don't think so.
But definately possible.
I WAS kindof in a bit of a state.
I called my T, now you call yours....
Mebbe you'll have more success than I.
Hope so.
Thanks,
Muffly
Posted by sunnydays on August 18, 2006, at 21:31:56
In reply to Re: Tuesday. I been phoning but only message mach... » sunnydays, posted by muffled on August 18, 2006, at 21:22:51
Hi Muffly,
Thanks. Sorry that your T didn't call back. Maybe she forgot to mention that she would be away. I don't think I'm going to call my T, but I think I'll write him an email. He won't get it until Monday, but I'm just too scared of bothering him while he's gone to call. And I don't know what I would say anyway. Don't I make nice excuses? :)Take good care,
sunnydays
Posted by Poet on August 20, 2006, at 0:36:51
In reply to T still hasn't called :-( Gulp :-( (nm), posted by muffled on August 18, 2006, at 16:52:36
Hi Muffled,
Here's a bunch of maybes
Maybe she is out of town and didn't see the fax.
Maybe she didn't realize the message on her cell phone was urgent?
Maybe she's in a place where she can't get a decent cell signal?I hope she calls you on Monday morning and has a good explanation as to why it took her so long.
I'm sending her a cyber slap on the head urging her to pick up the phone.
Many safe cyber hugs ((((Muffled))))
Poet
Posted by Jost on August 20, 2006, at 12:29:33
In reply to Re: T still hasn't called :-( Gulp :-( » muffled, posted by Poet on August 20, 2006, at 0:36:51
Ooh, muffled. That's really really hard. Hang in there.
Suck on some gummy bears (if you like gummy bears-- they have these cherry gums here that I like)
Maybe she didn't get the call.
Maybe she's somewhere where her cell didn't work.
Maybe she's out of town getting some supervision . (Ts do get supervision, or even have their own Ts, also called As (analsysts) that they go to)
Maybe she got pneumonia, or is having a quickie facelift, or is watching the Big Brother Live Feeds and couldn't take her eye off the screen.
Maybe she's off doing something else we haven't come up with yet.We know you didn't do anything wrong. We're hoping-- have out fingers crossed --that your T isn't about to screw up.
If she does--- well-- I'm not going to consider that, because that would be really really bad.
So hang on there. If nothing else, I have faith in you. You've been doing great this long weekend.
Jost
Posted by muffled on August 20, 2006, at 19:51:05
In reply to Re: T still hasn't called :-( Gulp :-(, posted by Jost on August 20, 2006, at 12:29:33
Well, I called T's cell.
She called back.
Her hubby and her commute btwn 2 houses cuz they work in diff. places. Not that far apart, but enough.
So she was at her not-work house.
Dunno why she didn't check messages??????????????
Usu. she does.....
Then she didn't phone me, I phoned her fisrt.
She SAID she picked up my message Fri. A.M.(I left it on Wed).
So why didn't she call????????????????????
She returned my call to her cell (I phoned in Fri. eve).
I dunno that she would have called otherwise.
She said she been housecleaning.
She also left message at first call (my cell wouldn't work, so I called abck on landline)
message said to call her back that eve or next day if I wanted.
Next day was SATURDAY, the forbidden day (and Sunday, and after 9 pm).
Why would she say for me to call her on the forbidden day?
She's making me confused.
I dunno what to think.
And I dunno if she b*llshitting me bout when she got the message or not.
I don't think so, or at least I really hope not.
But I so confused.
She say she cares, but she forgets bout me.
Last appt. she was 20 mins late cuz she was talking on phone to a colleague(she told me).
But she always makes lotsa time for our appts, so its not a time thing. Its just her forgetting bout me. I was gonna leave but I wanted to be a big girl and not have a snit, so I stayed and waited.
Idunno.
I dunno.
Sh*t anyways.
I'm VERY confused.
Thanks so much for posts, they helped lots.
I even faxed some to my T (with names etc. omitted).
Hope noone minds. Sorry. Should've asked first.
Thanks.
Take care.
Muffled
Posted by ClearSkies on August 20, 2006, at 21:28:45
In reply to Re: T called, posted by muffled on August 20, 2006, at 19:51:05
(((Muffled))) I had a T who could never remember who I was from appointment to appointment. I never did get the nerve to tell her how much hurt that caused. I scurried out from her care by just showing up one day. No one called, ever.
I happened to have a not-so-good T. When do you see your therapist next? Maybe between the two of you, you'll be able to figure out the sequence, or whatever happened. I know that I was really distressed when my stuff was going on.
ClearSkies
Posted by muffled on August 21, 2006, at 12:28:10
In reply to Re: T called » muffled, posted by ClearSkies on August 20, 2006, at 21:28:45
> (((Muffled))) I had a T who could never remember who I was from appointment to appointment. I never did get the nerve to tell her how much hurt that caused. I scurried out from her care by just showing up one day. No one called, ever.
***Sorry that happened (((CS))), that must have been incredibly hurtful. And the wondering and hoping and waiting for that call that never came....
I would NOT have handled that well at all.
>
> I happened to have a not-so-good T. When do you see your therapist next? Maybe between the two of you, you'll be able to figure out the sequence, or whatever happened. I know that I was really distressed when my stuff was going on.***I see my T on Tues.
I must make my T sound bad.
She's not.
Or there's no way I'd have lasted this long.
She is very kind and persistant.
I even mostly beleive she wouldn't dump me.
I'm getting better at communicating, and I think that helps alot.
Thanks CS.
You take care,
Muffy
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.