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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by crushedout on December 14, 2003, at 14:02:31
In reply to Re: therapist crying » crushedout, posted by Karen_kay on December 14, 2003, at 13:53:20
yeah, i think you're right that it would be inappropriate for them to break down sobbing (and my current t has never done that, although she's had tears pour down her face -- the first time i cried). i actually had one therapist a long time ago who did break down completely. again, i kind of liked it. but we ended up spending almost the entire session talking about her fears and why she was crying. and i was sort of like, hmm, i'm paying you for this????but it was a bonding experience.
> > i always feel touched when she cries. usually, it's not really crying exactly. her eyes just fill up with tears. it happens almost once a session! i know that sounds crazy, but i love it. sometimes i ask her why. other times, i just ignore it. she's completely present with me. i never feel like i need to take care of her, although of course i'd like to. she's just a very emotional person.
>
> <<<Although I think on one hand it would be great to see him cry, on the other I just wouldn't be sure how to react. It would be great to know for certain that he does in fact have some sort of ??fondness?? for my wellbeing and experiences. I guess I just tend to think that he only sees me as a name on his appointment book. So, to see (actually see!!) some emotion firsthand would be quite an experience. On the flipside I wouldn't know what to do. First of all, this is about ME!!! He'd be stealing my thunder darn it! I don't cry much and for him to cry too, I just don't know how to handle people crying. I tend to react with frustration, like "Why can't you control yourself?" And he's supposed to be able to control himself. I mean, he didn't have to live it, why in the world would he be crying about it? I might also be insulted. I don't know, if he just had tears in his eyes I think I would be sincerely overjoyed. It would show so much compassion on his part. But if he broke down sobbing, I might be tempted to slap him in the face. Knowing my lack of restraint, it might end precisely that way! Oh man, don't let him be a cry baby :)
>
>
Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:19:07
In reply to one more plug for dinah's stand-up career, posted by crushedout on December 14, 2003, at 13:54:38
I just asked my husband if I displayed dry humor. He said my humor was absolutely parched. lol. I told him I always just thought of myself as being odd. His opinion is that odd and dry humor go hand in hand, so he agreed with both assessments.
It truly genuinely is nice to see yourself from a different perspective.
Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:21:18
In reply to Re: therapist crying » crushedout, posted by Karen_kay on December 14, 2003, at 13:53:20
Have all the crying therapists been women? Maybe it's a female thing.
I would truly truly hate to have to process my therapist's feelings, as much as an expression of caring would feel good for a moment.
Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:22:24
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:21:18
On the other hand it does occur to me that I will one day see him crying tears of frustration.
Posted by Karen_kay on December 14, 2003, at 14:25:49
In reply to Re: Chuckle..., posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:19:07
So, you never realized that your humor is, say dry as a bone? Hmm.. interesting. The things we don't know about ourselves... I mean I realize that my humor is relatively off the wall. And sarcastic, very sarcastic. And some people don't get it. So a lot of the time, I'm left saying, "Oh, I was just kidding" but I don't laugh at my own jokes. And usually I'm poking fun at that person... And I'm stuck with my foot in my mouth. Maybe I should try to change my sense of humor? Nah... I like it. I look back at situations and laugh, so it suits me just fine.
> I just asked my husband if I displayed dry humor. He said my humor was absolutely parched. lol. I told him I always just thought of myself as being odd. His opinion is that odd and dry humor go hand in hand, so he agreed with both assessments.
>
> It truly genuinely is nice to see yourself from a different perspective.
Posted by Karen_kay on December 14, 2003, at 14:30:30
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by crushedout on December 14, 2003, at 14:02:31
Yeah, I'm not too keen on giving advice to a therapist. I'd be convinced it was some type of test. "He's testing me... Trying to see what I'm going to say...I'm not saying the right thing." I wouldn't have handled myself well. I would have been like "Get yourself together girl. What are you freaking out about? I can't handle this. Where's your supervisor? I'm coming back tomorrow and things had better change. I expect that I won't be charged for this session. And if I freak out tonight I'm holding you personally responsible." But again, I'm not good in situations like that. But, if it were my shrink, I'd be tempted to hold him like a little boy and tell him "Everything's ok. I was fibbing. What can I say to make it all go away?" I'd freak out man. It's a good thing I don't have kids..... :)
Posted by crushedout on December 14, 2003, at 14:38:20
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:21:18
yes, all of my therapists who've cried have been women. none of my male therapists (although i haven't had many) have ever cried with me.i agree it is kind of a female thing, although i am sure there are male therapists who cry, too. just i bet it's less common.
> Have all the crying therapists been women? Maybe it's a female thing.
>
> I would truly truly hate to have to process my therapist's feelings, as much as an expression of caring would feel good for a moment.
Posted by Karen_kay on December 14, 2003, at 14:38:30
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:21:18
> Have all the crying therapists been women? Maybe it's a female thing.
<<<My therapist is all man :) he he.. but when I told him I might cry stated he may cry with me. That's why I'm a little agrivated. I'm not sure how to handle that. I don't like it when people cry, let alone men. I don't normally hold strong to traditional values, but I just don't like it when anyone, especially men cry. I wouldn't know what to do if he did start crying. If he began sobbing, I'm afraid I may be tempted to slap him. I think I would feel as though he was mocking me in a way. Maybe that's it. Guess I won't know for sure until it happens, if it happens. But, I hardly doubt he would mention it unless it is likely.
Blasted crybabies!
> I would truly truly hate to have to process my therapist's feelings, as much as an expression of caring would feel good for a moment.<<Here, here! But, I'm not thinking of it as feelings as much as motive! Why is he crying? Is he sympathetic? Is it a game to see how I react?
Posted by zenhussy on December 14, 2003, at 14:51:10
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:21:18
> Have all the crying therapists been women? Maybe it's a female thing.
Dinah,
I've had both male and female therapists cry over the years. I've commented about it in an earlier post in this thread. I personally do not think that whether or not a therapist cries is a gender issue. That's just my experience though.
zenhussy
Posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 14:53:14
In reply to Re: Chuckle..., posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:19:07
> I just asked my husband if I displayed dry humor. He said my humor was absolutely parched.
I'm liking Dinah's husband right now. What a clever reply.
Regarding therapists crying.. mine cried in my very first session-- I don't think it was a real session, more like the interview session. But she hasn't done it since! Maybe it was her standard marketing ploy.
Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:53:24
In reply to Re: therapist crying » Dinah, posted by Karen_kay on December 14, 2003, at 14:38:30
Karen, I can honestly say from what I have heard of your therapist, that it would not be a game. It wouldn't be a test. And he wouldn't be mocking you. It sounds as if he's trying hard to get you to open up, and it sounds as if he's a pretty open and transparent guy.
But I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you'd be uncomfortable if he cried with you. I don't have anything against men crying, or women. But I would feel somewhat compelled to try to comfort him or something and it might influence what I felt free to say in the future.
Posted by crushedout on December 14, 2003, at 15:00:46
In reply to Re: Chuckle..., posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 14:53:14
> > I just asked my husband if I displayed dry humor. He said my humor was absolutely parched.
>
> I'm liking Dinah's husband right now. What a clever reply.yeah, it seem dinah and her husband have dry wit in common!
> Regarding therapists crying.. mine cried in my very first session-- I don't think it was a real session, more like the interview session. But she hasn't done it since! Maybe it was her standard marketing ploy.
>wow, that's pretty wild! do you mind sharing what she cried in response to, if only vaguely? i'm curious. i bet it was genuine.
Posted by crushedout on December 14, 2003, at 15:01:52
In reply to Re: Chuckle..., posted by crushedout on December 14, 2003, at 15:00:46
Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 15:15:02
In reply to Re: therapist crying---both male and female » Dinah, posted by zenhussy on December 14, 2003, at 14:51:10
I'm not usually into gender stereotypes. And generally eschew them totally. Especially since by all accounts, I share more characteristics with the stereotypical man than the stereotypical woman. But in the admittedly small sample size of men and women in the mental health profession that I've seen, the women were softer, and the men more likely to be abrasive or distant. And my therapist is juuuuust right. :)
But like I said, it's a small sample size. Maybe ten or so, counting consultations and testing and interviews. And it may have something to do with different parts of the country too.
Posted by Karen_kay on December 14, 2003, at 15:15:45
In reply to Re: Chuckle..., posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 14:53:14
> Regarding therapists crying.. mine cried in my very first session-- I don't think it was a real session, more like the interview session. But she hasn't done it since! Maybe it was her standard marketing ploy.
><<<Wow! It's like she "cried on the first date!" If she were my girlfriend I'd dump her :) I don't know, I might be quite turned off by a therapist who cried the first time we met and interviewed. It would show a pattern of poor self control in my eyes. I need a "manly-man", someone who doesn't cry, especially since I rarely cry. But, it also shows a lot of compassion as well. I guess it depends on what you are looking for. I suppose they are good at picking up on that. But, if my therapist cried the first time I interviewed with him, I wouldn't be seeing him today. What a shame that would be. Different strokes for different folks.
How did you feel when she started crying?Wait just a second...I just reread the post... Only the first time.. Have you discussed the subject matter in greater detail to her? And she hasn't cried since? Maybe her hormones where out of whack that day or something.... Sounds suspicious though... I would think something wasn't right, but I don't trust people much...
Posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 15:20:20
In reply to Re: Chuckle..., posted by crushedout on December 14, 2003, at 15:00:46
> wow, that's pretty wild! do you mind sharing what she cried in response to, if only vaguely? i'm curious. i bet it was genuine.
I told her about something traumatic that happened when I was a teenager. I was such a therapy virgin then.. totally disconnected from my feelings. I can't remember how it came up, but I was probably testing her. I had told this story to nobody except my ex-husband, who told me it was stupid that I was still thinking about it. And here she actually CRIED when hearing it. I was so hooked. I really needed some TLC.
Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 15:24:19
In reply to Re: Chuckle..., posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 14:53:14
Cried in the consultation session? Wow. How did that factor into whether or not you saw her?
I was so out of touch with my feelings when I started therapy that seeing a potential therapist cry would have sent me running as fast as my legs could carry me. But of course, I was so out of touch with my feelings that my therapist was in no danger of feeling anything either. He had a hard time staying awake the first couple of years.
(And yeah, my husband is really smart and really funny. It's what I found so attractive about him.)
Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 15:25:40
In reply to Re: Chuckle..., posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 15:24:19
Posted by Karen_kay on December 14, 2003, at 15:26:08
In reply to Re: Chuckle... » crushedout, posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 15:20:20
Was it like sobbing crying or tears in her eyes crying? Was she crying because of what happened or because your ex said it was stupid that you continued to think about it? And I assume you have talked about this in great detail since, correct? And she hasn't shed a tear? That seems odd. Almost like she knew that you needed support and showed you that she would give it to you. Have you thought to ask why? I certainly would. But I have a big mouth...
Posted by crushedout on December 14, 2003, at 15:44:54
In reply to Re: Chuckle... » crushedout, posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 15:20:20
> > wow, that's pretty wild! do you mind sharing what she cried in response to, if only vaguely? i'm curious. i bet it was genuine.
>
> I told her about something traumatic that happened when I was a teenager. I was such a therapy virgin then.. totally disconnected from my feelings. I can't remember how it came up, but I was probably testing her. I had told this story to nobody except my ex-husband, who told me it was stupid that I was still thinking about it. And here she actually CRIED when hearing it. I was so hooked. I really needed some TLC.
>
>yeah, see, that sounds so therapeutic. that's how it is when my t cries for me (when i can't, or even when i do). it makes me feel validated and cared for. like my problems really matter. and not just to me. and it shows me how to feel my own feelings, too.
Posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 17:00:33
In reply to Re: Chuckle... » tabitha, posted by crushedout on December 14, 2003, at 15:44:54
yes, it was very validating. I was thinking, wow, you mean it's OK to actually feel sad about what happened? It was like she was showing me the appropriate response, sort of corrective emotional mirroring, like parents are supposed to do for small children. All I could feel about the memory was shame, and shame on top of that for not being over it already.
Posted by Dinah on December 15, 2003, at 17:51:15
In reply to Re: Chuckle... » crushedout, posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 17:00:33
Well now I have a dilemma. I told my therapist about this thread, and he says he *has* cried occasionally (very occasionally he later corrected it to say). He wanted to know why it would bother me if he did it with me, and I told him it would make me feel like I needed to censor what I said so as not to upset him.
But now that I know he's cried with others, no matter how infrequently, I feel mildly hurt that nothing I have said has touched him as much as his other clients. :( I figure this is one of those cases of therapist overdisclosure. I didn't really need to know he had been moved enough to cry by other clients.
Posted by crushedout on December 15, 2003, at 23:48:47
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by Dinah on December 15, 2003, at 17:51:15
ouch. did you tell him how it made you feel?
> Well now I have a dilemma. I told my therapist about this thread, and he says he *has* cried occasionally (very occasionally he later corrected it to say). He wanted to know why it would bother me if he did it with me, and I told him it would make me feel like I needed to censor what I said so as not to upset him.
>
> But now that I know he's cried with others, no matter how infrequently, I feel mildly hurt that nothing I have said has touched him as much as his other clients. :( I figure this is one of those cases of therapist overdisclosure. I didn't really need to know he had been moved enough to cry by other clients.
>
>
Posted by DaisyM on December 16, 2003, at 0:10:51
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by Dinah on December 15, 2003, at 17:51:15
I bet it had more to do with his personal "state" than the topic or person. For example --maybe he was really tired when his kids were little, or recently had lost someone and the topic in therapy came to close to home. Even hormones play in...I wouldn't read it like you did. You obviously have touch something in him or he wouldn't still be your therapist after all this time!
Posted by Dinah on December 16, 2003, at 9:27:51
In reply to Re: therapist crying » Dinah, posted by crushedout on December 15, 2003, at 23:48:47
Yeah, I told him. He said it very very rarely happened. And maybe he was thinking about group situations, not therapy situations. Maybe therapy situations gave him some extra structure so that he might feel like crying but didn't. And he said that yes, his wince was quite genuine and not due to a leg cramp or anything, and tried to put on an empathetic face to show me that he remembered the incident.
Overall, it reminded me just why I trust him so much. He is really rotten and unconvincing as a liar.
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