![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 55. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 27, 2004, at 23:20:03
Tonight is my kitty's last night. Merlin has been battling FIV since he was diagnosed last December. He's probably had it much longer, but he just loves life so much. We've had him 14 wonderful years, our first kitten, our magical sweetheart. Knowing we've had these good years together do not make this passage any easier. I've been having gutwrenching sobs the past week, seeing him suffer so much, his glorious Maine Coon furryness so thin, knowing that it's time. I'm just getting past my Mom's death a year ago December. This is no less difficult.
Please keep me and my husband in your heart, anyone who reads this. The next few weeks will be rough. If only we knew, really really really REALLY KNEW that we'd see them, hold them, know them, again. It's the not knowing, the cold shadow of doubt that there's any friggin sense in any of this that is making everything so hard. I want so much to have faith, but help my unbelief. - BarbaraCat
Posted by zenhussy on July 28, 2004, at 4:14:37
In reply to My Kitty, posted by BarbaraCat on July 27, 2004, at 23:20:03
BarbaraCat,
My deepest condolences for the loss of your baby Merlin. I'm not in a great place myself so I'm low on words.
My heart knows this feeling and because it does it aches so much for you, your husband and your loss.
Do not let anyone belittle this loss or take it any less seriously. Thankfully when my last dog was released from this life the outpouring of support was amazing and so heartfelt. I pray it is so for your family after this loss.
I tear up thinking of my kitty of 17 years. The loss is always there but it becomes bittersweet after time.
My sympathies for Merlin's passing. The compassionate way is never the easy way. Blessings for your compassion.
Namasté
--zh
Posted by fayeroe on July 28, 2004, at 8:55:49
In reply to Re: My Kitty » BarbaraCat, posted by zenhussy on July 28, 2004, at 4:14:37
BarbaraCat, I've lost so many animals in the past four years that I can't hardly stand to think about it. As ZH said, the compassionate way is probably the hardest way to do it. Yet, it is the most important thing that we'll ever do for a pet that is hurting. I know that Merlin is at Rainbow Bridge now with Tippy, Henrietta, J.J.,Smut, Eaglebeagle, Willhe, ClaraWhite, Spook, Xowie.....He was greeted by all and is being shown around by Tippy...because Tippy is the most dignified of all that have gone on. He loves cats and will be a very special friend for Merlin. Henrietta will guard him and make sure that he stays within the boundaries of the little group. She used to let Willhe groom her ears....the most hysterical photo that I have is of Willhe doing a "groom dive" down into Henri's big ear and Henri was just letting him do that without a hair twitching on that half chow/half germanshepherd body........On Mondays I light a candle for each animal that has gone on and I will light one for Merlin next Monday. xoxoxo Pat
Posted by partlycloudy on July 28, 2004, at 9:15:18
In reply to My Kitty, posted by BarbaraCat on July 27, 2004, at 23:20:03
It's so difficult to do, but Merlin appreciates what you're doing for him. My boys Rocky and Bullwinkle will greet him at the other side of the Rainbow Bridge. They lived to 18 years apiece and I did make a tribute to them after they passed. Just a silly little photo montage (actually it's ridiculous) but because I can smile when I look at it, it reminds me what fantastic living beings they were.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 28, 2004, at 14:02:50
In reply to Re: My Kitty » BarbaraCat, posted by partlycloudy on July 28, 2004, at 9:15:18
And Tanya, Snuffy, Cricket, and Angel will also be there to play and to comfort. But then Angel always used to pee whenever someone new came around and gave her any attention...so hopefully there are other angels there to clean up messes. :)
I'm so sorry for your loss. Pets are such special beings. I'm glad Merlin had such a special caretaker, one who can make these difficult decisions.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
gg
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 28, 2004, at 23:29:06
In reply to Re: My Kitty, posted by gardenergirl on July 28, 2004, at 14:02:50
Thanks so much, my friends. You have no idea how much your outpouring of love helped me today. Now that my little Maine Coon Merlin is gone (wow! what a struggle! That little dude was a scrapper to the last hurrah.) I feel a sense of relief that he is free, he is soaring with the stars, aloft on dreams. Oh God, I will miss him. Such pure love, such pure pure love. I will miss his little fluffyness, his scent, his purr, that special way a little critter fits on the shoulder.
He was one of my greatest teachers, always, from the first time I set eyes on him, 9/1/90, when he captured my heart in a box full of kitties outside a bookstore in Mill Valley, CA. What he taught me was this. LOVE LIFE! No matter how shitty it gets, no matter how much we do not understand about any of this crazyness, we have Life! It doesn't seem such a big deal to us sometimes, sometimes having this Life is too much a burden, especially when we're so sad, so afraid, so unsure where it or we are going. But what I learned from Merlin is that Life is to be treasured, simply because it is. There is joy to be found, simple pure joy. We aren't given to know the answers, we can only do the best we can with the time we are given. To paraphrase dear Gandalf, but this is also what my own inner Voice told me awhile back. Today my little Merlin told me this as I saw him soaring and tumbling over the rainbow, as my heart was released from his suffering: "Wheeeee! I had no idea it was this great!! Thank you, Mom! Thank you for loving me! Don't worry about a thing, it's all wonderful!". I had lost hope, but he plugged me back into it.
We can't understand what it's all about, we aren't supposed to know the end of the movie. That would be cheating. But we have to fight the good fight anyway and live the best life we can, even without knowing the answers. I only hope I can live my life from this day on half as well as he lived his.
Thank you, friends. You have helped to soothe a sorrowful heart today. I will light a candle each Monday as well to all our furrry friends who know of the Great Light as only they can. What a lovely tradition. Here's to my Merlin and all our precious loved ones, forever... - BarbaraCat (previously 9 cats, now 8 - at least on this plane).
Posted by katia on July 29, 2004, at 0:42:52
In reply to Merlin's fantastic passing » gardenergirl, posted by BarbaraCat on July 28, 2004, at 23:29:06
Barb-
I've cut and pasted this one from med boards. I didn't realize there was a grief board and looked and here you are.Hi Dear Barbara,
Grief is a powerful thing. One minute I'm fine and the next, like a wave passing over me I crumple to the floor in agony. I'm sorry about your sweet little Merlin.Oh god. Such an awful awful thing happened right at a time when Rock and I had shifted through things. I had to put him down in my arms at 4 a.m. kissing his head and telling him "Mommy loves you" over and over again.
Five days eariler we had spent three hours with an animal communicator and boy I got such a story from him. He had it FAR worse than I can even imagine. He was soooo smart too. He had so much understanding about our relationship, me, and him and his own demons. At the end of it, we both love each other so deeply and want only the best for the other even if that means sacrificing everything. I've never experienced such a beautiful unselfish unconditional love from both ends. I talked to the communicator just hours after it happened and she said that Rock was grateful for what I did and that he'll only be ok if I"m ok. I was sobbing screaming "I only care about him! I only care if he's ok. Don't worry about me; I can't rest if he's not at peace." Now, I'm at the part of missing him terribly. Something terribly important is missing from this life and that is him. I got his ashes back yesterday and he has shrine in the living room complete with tennis balls and bones. My heart has broken. The animal commuincator says she has rarely met such a special spirit as Rock. She said he was a very old soul. She said he said that he'd never experienced such unconditional love before and these four months have been the best in his life. He now knows he's worthy of such love and will choose such a dignified life in the next one. I just hope we can pass each other again if that is what he wants too.
The communicator told me something like: the level of your grief is only a reflection of the depth of your love.
Your kitty knows it was best for him. He loved you so much that he hung on all those months because of that. But he needed to go and you honored his life by providing that outlet. It is a courageous selfless act.
If we get rerouted to social Barb, just follow the link.
My thoughts are with you Barbara.
Love,
Katia
Posted by katia on July 29, 2004, at 0:51:59
In reply to Merlin's fantastic passing » gardenergirl, posted by BarbaraCat on July 28, 2004, at 23:29:06
Hi Barb,
I just read your below post. That is something Cathy (the communicator) said to me - "Rock wants you to enjoy and love life and not be sad. He loved life soooo much." And he did. He ALWAYS raised my spirits. He was the best AD I've ever had. What a charmer he was. I miss him dearly. It has been a week now. Time will heal this pain. I wouldn't change a thing either. WEll the only thing I would've changed was to meet him eariler to save him from what ultimately killed him. That HORRIBLE HORRIBLE CRUEL Pit Bull fighting trade.
He told Cathy that he never wanted to fight. It was awful. The "bad men" beat him with tools to get him to fight , took away his food, made him live in crates with other dogs and feces and hung him by his neck from trees. He longed to be like he was when he was a puppy and he said he felt like damaged goods and had too many demons now. I wish those "bad men" would get hung up by their necks and made to lay in their own feces - BASTARDS! I promised him I'd NEVER let the bad men get him again.
It's quite a story - too long to tell here. I may tell it in a book - a biography of my baby.
take good care Barb and it takes time to let the grief pass over and through you. Surfing the waves of grief! The worst part is wanting to smell him again and have him lay in my lap looking up at me backwards. He was such a wonderful dog. I miss him so much my arms hurt and my body feels like dust - incomplete without him.
Katia> Thanks so much, my friends. You have no idea how much your outpouring of love helped me today. Now that my little Maine Coon Merlin is gone (wow! what a struggle! That little dude was a scrapper to the last hurrah.) I feel a sense of relief that he is free, he is soaring with the stars, aloft on dreams. Oh God, I will miss him. Such pure love, such pure pure love. I will miss his little fluffyness, his scent, his purr, that special way a little critter fits on the shoulder.
>
> He was one of my greatest teachers, always, from the first time I set eyes on him, 9/1/90, when he captured my heart in a box full of kitties outside a bookstore in Mill Valley, CA. What he taught me was this. LOVE LIFE! No matter how shitty it gets, no matter how much we do not understand about any of this crazyness, we have Life! It doesn't seem such a big deal to us sometimes, sometimes having this Life is too much a burden, especially when we're so sad, so afraid, so unsure where it or we are going. But what I learned from Merlin is that Life is to be treasured, simply because it is. There is joy to be found, simple pure joy. We aren't given to know the answers, we can only do the best we can with the time we are given. To paraphrase dear Gandalf, but this is also what my own inner Voice told me awhile back. Today my little Merlin told me this as I saw him soaring and tumbling over the rainbow, as my heart was released from his suffering: "Wheeeee! I had no idea it was this great!! Thank you, Mom! Thank you for loving me! Don't worry about a thing, it's all wonderful!". I had lost hope, but he plugged me back into it.
>
> We can't understand what it's all about, we aren't supposed to know the end of the movie. That would be cheating. But we have to fight the good fight anyway and live the best life we can, even without knowing the answers. I only hope I can live my life from this day on half as well as he lived his.
>
> Thank you, friends. You have helped to soothe a sorrowful heart today. I will light a candle each Monday as well to all our furrry friends who know of the Great Light as only they can. What a lovely tradition. Here's to my Merlin and all our precious loved ones, forever... - BarbaraCat (previously 9 cats, now 8 - at least on this plane).
Posted by fayeroe on July 29, 2004, at 8:51:33
In reply to Merlin's fantastic passing » gardenergirl, posted by BarbaraCat on July 28, 2004, at 23:29:06
when my wonderful, wonderful greyhound, smutty, got to the point where i had to do something, i made him a bed on a comforter and lit candles allaround him. judy collins sang "amazing grace" and then the three left, of the fabulous four, howled....smutty raised his head and said "woooo, woooo"...i sang his song then and my dear veterinarian friend, jane, helped him leave our earth. my friend,Cynthia, and i both felt a whoosh of air as he flew out of the room........it was so wonderful. my oldest sister told me that she hopes someone does that for her when her time comes........i'm so glad you felt everything and knew when his spirit passed over the rainbow. believe you me,he was greeted with just as much love up there as he had here!! xoxo pat
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 29, 2004, at 11:36:29
In reply to Re: Merlin's fantastic passing » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on July 29, 2004, at 0:51:59
Dear Katia,
Some day when you can handle it, I'd love to hear more of Rock's story. It's how we honor them, telling their stories to those who care. All day I've been alternately weeping for want of holding Merlin again, and feeling so relieved that his pain in this life is finally over, he's become light. Seeing him suffer was the worst, even worse than missing him now, although I'd rather neither had to happen. His little heart just didn't want to stop beating, he wanted to stay so bad. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the agony to open up and love so much, but the lonely alternative is much worse. Even so, how wrenching, what an empty hole it leaves.I keep hearing his little voice, not so much a kitty voice, but a young little voice saying 'Thank you for loving me. Love is everything, why we come here. Love makes us real, a thread that continues forever.' I have to believe him. The shared love helps our and their soul's evolution.
This grief board is a special place. If you tell your pup's story here, it will be cherished and maybe help to heal the pain of the outrage against the evil stupid horrible people. They will get theirs, and the satisfaction is that they will do it to their own sh*thead selves.
Rock was and is indeed a special soul. Like I said, I grew to love him since meeting him through you, and I never even saw the little guy. I mean this. His energy and love were huge. He chose you and Thank God you were there for him to help him complete his journey. Like Fayaroe says, I only hope that when my time comes I'll have a passing like Merlin and Rock and the others who have gone in their loved ones' arms. You now have a great friend and protector in the Unseen Realms, as I have in my little Sweetheart Merlin. I have to believe we'll all meet again and that it will be at least as satisfying as it was here. More than this I can't begin to understand. Love, B
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 29, 2004, at 12:59:03
In reply to Re: Merlin's fantastic passing » BarbaraCat, posted by fayeroe on July 29, 2004, at 8:51:33
Dear Pat,
Awww, that's a wonderful image of Smutty and the Gang's last song together - The Howleluia Chorus - and your song to him. Merlin had his special kitten song I sang as to him well. I never worked it out on the piano before, but I did this morning. To a fresh torrent, of course.That rush of air - wow. It's amazing when they leave. They're just gone, out of there. That spark of life, their pure energy, is released and lifted up. There's such a quiet stillness afterwards, a vast sacred space.
Have you had any dreams from Smutty, messages, visits? I feel Merlin's presence very strongly right now, as I did my Mom's when she died a little over a year ago. But then, it's like they have other things to do and places to go, and that enveloping presence moves on. I'm happy for their happiness and new adventures and just have to trust that we'll meet again. John Edward's Passing Over show has become a mainstay for me. - Barbara
> when my wonderful, wonderful greyhound, smutty, got to the point where i had to do something, i made him a bed on a comforter and lit candles allaround him. judy collins sang "amazing grace" and then the three left, of the fabulous four, howled....smutty raised his head and said "woooo, woooo"...i sang his song then and my dear veterinarian friend, jane, helped him leave our earth. my friend,Cynthia, and i both felt a whoosh of air as he flew out of the room........it was so wonderful. my oldest sister told me that she hopes someone does that for her when her time comes........i'm so glad you felt everything and knew when his spirit passed over the rainbow. believe you me,he was greeted with just as much love up there as he had here!! xoxo pat
Posted by katia on July 29, 2004, at 14:00:40
In reply to Re: Merlin's fantastic passing » fayeroe, posted by BarbaraCat on July 29, 2004, at 12:59:03
What nice touching letting go and sending off stories. Although I was there with my precious, it wasn't a good situation. It was 4am on a metal slab at the emergency vet's office. His face was bloody and he couldn't see from pepper spray and his body was beaten by a baton from a cop. I talked to him and told him it was time and I felt him relax in my arms. I turned and kissed his little mouth with his warm little tongue hanging just out. I put my heart to his and kissed him over and over telling him Mommy loves you and then he left. I told the vet to leave I wanted to stay with his body for awhile. But as soon as he died, he really wasn't there anymore. I was holding a body that was lifeless and wasn't him anymore. There didn't feel a reason to stay any longer with the body.
I had to leave and go home a sobbing hysterical wreck, sleep for two hours and then get on a plane to Orlando for a cousin's wedding. The timing of it all was horrendous. I was a sobbing mess on the plane - so far in grief not even trying to get myself together.Here are pictures of him when he was a blue ribbon show dog. Before the days, he was sent away on his "odyssey to hell with the bad men" his words exactly; not mine. He was such a beauty. He was also a beauty king. He loved to prance around a show how beautiful he is. That's how he won the blue ribbon he told us. He'd charm the judges by making direct eye contact and charming them into his winning. Of course, his looks were there, but he had charm and charisma.
Please let me know if you can't download this:
http://www.angelfire.com/nv/bullrockkennelapbt/rock.htmlI found them on the kennel's website where he was bred. He comes from a clean healthy line of APBTs.
His fur was so soft, it felt like chenille. and so clean and shiny.
Give him a kiss for me.
Love,
Katia
Posted by katia on July 29, 2004, at 14:22:13
In reply to Merlin and Rock » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on July 29, 2004, at 11:36:29
Hi Barbara,
I sort am telling it piece by piece. He was so special; I feel sometimes "why did I do it?". but I know i did the right thing. I know it. He's even told me so.I have dreams all the time. One night right after it happened, I had a dream where he came and let me know I did the right thing. You know I just bought a house and he was the neighbor's terribly neglected dog who came over to visit (he was with this family at the beginning and they just used him for meat - blue ribbon and then studded him out until they had no more use for him. They gave him away and that's when he had the bad time. Finally they retrieved him out of that, but then just put him in a small corner of a dirty yard to live, until me). One thing led to another and he became my dog completely - never going over there anymore. Dogs are pack animals - to ostracize them is one of the worst punishments). The previous owner of this house left this ugly flowery love seat and so I put it out back for the time being until i could decide what to do with it. Well, no time at all passed and it was Rock's outdoor lounger. And then we would sit on the loveseat together and I would read and he would try as hard as he could to get his entire rock solid 72lb body on my little lap! In the end, just his shoulders and head would fit. And he would just let his weight fall into me and it felt so nice and complete. He'd look up at me backwards and he looked like a little alligator "my baby gator" and would never let me stop cuddling or petting or touching him. He also had a purr like a cat whenever he felt affectionately happy. It was so cute. In the dream, we were on the love seat like that I felt so complete with him laying in my lap petting him and cooing at him. In the dream I couldn't remember why I let him go and then he reminded me. that I did the right thing.
These are more or less his words below that was channeled through Cathy. He felt very damaged - damaged goods. He didn't want to infect me with this darkness. He couldn't change what happened to him and he never wanted to fight. They ruined his innocent puppy self and he couldn't go back. He described that first fight he was in at Petsmart in such a way that he was hovering above his body as though something else took over. He was taken over by his "demons". He was very dog aggressive and he couldn't control it. He said that he'd rather die than live in a kennel anywhere and I promised him that he would never go back to the bad men. In the end, his demons were too big for either of us to handle. By putting him to rest in this life, I helped him release those demons and also provide unconditional love. He said it meant everything to him that I knew his story and understood, but still loved him the same and accepted him and didn't blame him for it. He felt incredible remorse for fighting other dogs; he never wanted to. But it also damamged and ruined him.
The only thing I see is his pure self. The puppy self. For that is really what he is. He's not a product of man's destruction, but pure puppy love. He won't be blamed by me for what men did to him.
I can't tell you how saddened I am that he had to live one second in any pain.
Katia
Posted by katia on July 30, 2004, at 3:24:37
In reply to Merlin and Rock » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on July 29, 2004, at 11:36:29
Barbara,
How are you doing honey? I've been thinking of you and Merlin today.A dog I've known for years who is like my son came over tonight with my good friend. I asked Rock's permission first and told him he was the center stage of my heart all else was peripheral. I told him that since as a dog he couldn't have met Sam (my friend's dog), he can meet him now. Sam ran straight for the couch, crouched down and sniffed and whined. I reached my hand under the couch and what did we find? A brand new (barely chewed) tennis ball! I gave it to Sam with Rock's blessing (i hope). little Rock had hidden it under there! Two dogs with the same addict! Tennis balls!
How are you sweetie? I still cry every other hour. katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 30, 2004, at 14:20:18
In reply to Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days, posted by katia on July 29, 2004, at 14:00:40
Are those pictures of him? The Rock-ster? What a gorgeous, absolutely wondrous specimen of life! What a proud happy fella! What happened, Katia? If you don't want to talk about the event, that's understandable. But sometimes it helps to tell the story to somone who really cares and is truly interested in what happened to your little guy.
I found that the greatest gift anyone could give me when my Mom died was simply listening and being interested in her, letting me talk about her and her life. A way to keep her memory and my love for her alive. Yesterday at the clinic I go to (fibro treatments), the nurse just sat with me and we both cried in memory of our beloved animals who had passed. It was such a sweetness and gave me a feeling of connection to all things. Please know that I'll be here whenever you want to talk about your handsome pooch and what he meant to you.
As for us, nothing can be done about this grief except to acknowledge that it hurts. I've given up that I can ever understand any of it. There's a mystery going on and my mind is pretty limited in scope. But for you, so much more hurt and trauma because such violence accompanied the parting of the veils. This kind of thing rips you open and transforms you and you're never the same. Sounds like your Rock was a great teacher and went out the way he lived life - dynamically!
Although the setting was not clinical for Merlin, he was at home, it was not easy. Merlin fought to the very end. Even after the injection was given, his heart kept beating and he kept gasping for breath. He was writhing and clawing and dragging to get away, to keep alive, even in his worn out emaciated little body. He had been suffering so much and it amazed all of us that he still had his indominatable will to live very much intact even as he was dying. His body and organs were shutting down for weeks, except for his very strong and healthy heart. I had to tell him quite firmly but lovingly to fly to the Light, go, go, go. I promised I would be allright, he could go without concern. And I've decided that for Merlin's sake I am going to be allright, because I made that promise to him and I will keep it. I feel his presence helping me to learn about loving life again and finding joy in simple things.
Katia, this may sound premature, but I have to tell you. I was in Powell's Book Store yesterday hungrily searching for books on the afterlife, what's it all about, etc., and I suddenly got a very strong hit about you. I even saw you very clearly and the message I was told to tell you was "Healing and understanding animals. Tell her she has the gift". Maybe this was what Rock's gift to you was. To tear you apart so that you could be reassembled for your true purpose. I can speak from my own wrenching but transforming experience. Somehow these deaths of my Mom and Merlin (and so very many other close friends throughout the years) are helping me to finally uncover where my own path is leading. It sure as heck ain't back to High Tech Project Management! Much love and gentle cradling in the Mother's arms. - Barbara
Posted by katia on July 30, 2004, at 16:26:11
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on July 30, 2004, at 14:20:18
> Are those pictures of him? The Rock-ster? What a gorgeous, absolutely wondrous specimen of life! What a proud happy fella! What happened, Katia? If you don't want to talk about the event, that's understandable. But sometimes it helps to tell the story to somone who really cares and is truly interested in what happened to your little guy.
**Hi Barbara,
Yes that's my gorgeous charming baby! He was so very beautiful; and what made him so was his so very beautiful spirit shining through.
>
> I found that the greatest gift anyone could give me when my Mom died was simply listening and being interested in her, letting me talk about her and her life. A way to keep her memory and my love for her alive. Yesterday at the clinic I go to (fibro treatments), the nurse just sat with me and we both cried in memory of our beloved animals who had passed. It was such a sweetness and gave me a feeling of connection to all things. Please know that I'll be here whenever you want to talk about your handsome pooch and what he meant to you.
**I will talk about it; but not in detail right now. Later I will.> As for us, nothing can be done about this grief except to acknowledge that it hurts. I've given up that I can ever understand any of it. There's a mystery going on and my mind is pretty limited in scope. But for you, so much more hurt and trauma because such violence accompanied the parting of the veils. This kind of thing rips you open and transforms you and you're never the same. Sounds like your Rock was a great teacher and went out the way he lived life - dynamically!
**That is for sure. He was so very alive and acutely aware of his surroundings and dynamic. Last night a friend came over with her golden retriever (after I promised Rock that he is my number one baby and Sam (the dog) is just visiting). I've known Sam for years and he is like my nephew. I'm always the one to watch him when they go away. He loves it when I stay with him because he gets spoiled so much that he forgets about missing his mother). He's sweet and passive like any golden. And I missed Rock terribly. We went to the car at around midnight seeing her and Sam off and I was already feeling anxious because we were in the street where it had happened with Rock and the rival dog two doors down when a man walked up fast towards us reaching his hand in his pocket. I was boxed in near my friend in the front door and immediately moved around it and she closed it. he was asking for money (I don't live in a bad neighborhood). We shook our heads and I moved quickly away and he just left. It was scary and Sam didn't even raise his head to it. I was so sad because I knew Rock would never have let that man come anywhere near me. He was so alert and protective; he would've clawed through a stone wall to protect me. I felt so sad and vulneable because my proctetor is no longer with me. He loved me deeply as I him. Cathy the animal communicator laughed and said "you two would have quite a relationship if he was human!". It was a deep love I haven't had with many dogs and nothing like this one unique one with baby Rock. There was such an understanding between us. A deep, strong, dynamic alive connection. I still feel him here. I get up and immediately think of him and that I need to let him out to go potty. I walk out into the living room and he's physically not there but I feel him. It's strange. He snored like a freight train and I couldn't sleep with him. Cathy said that he had damage on his larnyx and nasal cavity from being shot and then later hung and such with his neck. Rock told her that his snoring has gotten worse over the years. He did have trouble swallowing and such. Poor darling. Thank God and the heavens above that he was led to me. I just think of all the other dogs out there that are suffering and it kills me. I don't understand the cruelty and suffering of this world. I understand so much better the afterlife of this world - the spirit world much better than I do this strange planet of destruction and cruelty. And yes of love as well. But that love to me is spirit - not of this world. Not a product of it.
> Although the setting was not clinical for Merlin, he was at home, it was not easy. Merlin fought to the very end. Even after the injection was given, his heart kept beating and he kept gasping for breath. He was writhing and clawing and dragging to get away, to keep alive, even in his worn out emaciated little body. He had been suffering so much and it amazed all of us that he still had his indominatable will to live very much intact even as he was dying. His body and organs were shutting down for weeks, except for his very strong and healthy heart. I had to tell him quite firmly but lovingly to fly to the Light, go, go, go. I promised I would be allright, he could go without concern. And I've decided that for Merlin's sake I am going to be allright, because I made that promise to him and I will keep it. I feel his presence helping me to learn about loving life again and finding joy in simple things.
>**My goodness what a strong little boy!! That must have been hard to see Barbara. I'm glad you guided him over. He seemed to be saying "I'll be back!".
> Katia, this may sound premature, but I have to tell you. I was in Powell's Book Store yesterday hungrily searching for books on the afterlife, what's it all about, etc., and I suddenly got a very strong hit about you. I even saw you very clearly and the message I was told to tell you was "Healing and understanding animals. Tell her she has the gift". Maybe this was what Rock's gift to you was. To tear you apart so that you could be reassembled for your true purpose. I can speak from my own wrenching but transforming experience. Somehow these deaths of my Mom and Merlin (and so very many other close friends throughout the years) are helping me to finally uncover where my own path is leading. It sure as heck ain't back to High Tech Project Management! Much love and gentle cradling in the Mother's arms. - Barbara
**That's very powerful Barbara. Wow. I am so thankful you shared that with me. I know something is coming from this I just don't know what yet. I'm not only in grief, but I am also (I think) suffering a bit of post traumatic stress syndrome. I need some time to clear my brain and energy. I will take that message very seriously and to heart. My heart opens in a way with animals that doesn't with humans. And it's not just that - I understand them so very well and maybe that's because I do have some telepathic abilities that I am not allowing myself to develop further or give myself credit for.
It's so very hard to be so sensitive - really need clear and strong clearing powers and boundaries to survive and hold it all without shutting down.So glad to hear from you. I am so happy you got to see my baby.
Lots of love,
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 30, 2004, at 19:58:15
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on July 30, 2004, at 16:26:11
>
> Yes that's my gorgeous charming baby! He was so very beautiful; and what made him so was his so very beautiful spirit shining through.
> >
**No wonder you're proud of him. Now, that's a dog! And such conformation! You know, it's sad he was taken in the prime of his beauty but in another way, such a strong beautiful physical presence to take with him, such beautiful memories of his vitality are a gift. Seeing my beautiful Merlin so frail and suffering and starving to death absolutely tore me apart. My life was on hold since we found out about his FIV in December. We have 8 other cats and they were all going wiggy and needy, which wasn't helping at all. After a point, we knew we had to stop the force feedings and subcutaneous fluids (he hated it and was beginning to run from us) and let nature take it's course. What a horrible long drawn out anguish that was complicated by his most definitely not wanting to go. I guess it was a tearing open that my stubborn self needed but I feel wrung out, raw. I so much wish he didn't have to suffer like that. I couldn't protect my Sweetheart from that pain. I just have to honor that it was his choice, something his soul needed. Be glad you have those vibrant memories of Rock to remember him by.>>>Thank God and the heavens above that he was led to me. I just think of all the other dogs out there that are suffering and it kills me. I don't understand the cruelty and suffering of this world. I understand so much better the afterlife of this world - the spirit world much better than I do this strange planet of destruction and cruelty. And yes of love as well. But that love to me is spirit - not of this world. Not a product of it.
**What you just said encapsulates my life issues and areas I so much need to heal. I frequently don't feel like I belong here. What a strange place. I lose faith and trust that there's any meaning and purpose to it. Especially cruely to animals. That's a very low consiousness that can do that sorry crap and I don't want it around me. But I'm getting very clear that this is where my healing begins - to somehow take this in and let the holy light of spirit in there as well. To open my scared and scarred heart and let that grace in. All this dying in the last year has been ripping my heart open and it feels like a thawing frostbit limb and it hurts. It takes alot of faith and sometimes I'm just too tired to dredge it up.
Katia, here's a link to a very special and wonderful place that I mentioned to you before - Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah. www.bestfriends.com. It's philosophy of finding the best and the good in sad situations is so healing. It always makes me feel good and hopeful. It's how I want to live my life. Their mission of hope and honoring our critters and coming from a positive angle is truly working, a growing microcosm of 'yes, it can be done'. It does my heart so much good to know that there are bright shining souls - angels - doing good work and making a difference. We don't hear about this kind of good stuff in the news. It might do your aching heart some good to spend some time at their site.
>
>>My heart opens in a way with animals that doesn't with humans. And it's not just that - I understand them so very well and maybe that's because I do have some telepathic abilities that I am not allowing myself to develop further or give myself credit for. It's so very hard to be so sensitive - really need clear and strong clearing powers and boundaries to survive and hold it all without shutting down.
>
**Well, maybe this is an area that you can ask Rock for help. My link with Merlin is so intense and forever and I know that he wants to help, and now he's in a great position to do that. Rock's energy is so strong. I get that he wants to continue to protect you, like a guardian angel. I strongly believe that they love to have a 'job' over there and it helps their souls to evolve. Rock is probably eager to do this - after, of course, he spends some time exploring his new digs.Right now, you need to rest and heal and let the swirling settle down. I'm coming to accept that there are questions for which there are no answers, at least not in this dense 3rd dimensional reality. We are living in interesting times, hah! I bet that if you just sit with that strong bond you two have, you'll be guided to the next step and fiercely protected along the path. It seems that his vibrant pit-bullness is just part of him and he'll take that tenacity with him throughout his soul's journeys. You and this little dog are gifts to each other and of course, no accident that you were led to each other. Perhaps this is new territory and new beginnings you're moving into, and he's there to support you in a powerful way.
I think the key to life is this: 1) Put one foot in front of the other; 2) breathe into the moment; 3) keep the heart open, no matter what. That's my mantra and I'm trying my best to live by it. Oh, and lots and lots of good ol' down and dirty crying. Later, amiga. - Barbara
Posted by katia on July 31, 2004, at 1:25:20
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on July 30, 2004, at 19:58:15
Hi Barbara,
I like your mantras. I am feeling very strange. Very on edge and scared and all so sad. I feel like I"m getting worse. I feel so much anxiety and dread over what happened. I keep replaying it in my mind. I feel scared. I am wondering if I'm suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress). I feel quesy all the time and my hands are shaking. And I cry all the time - intermittenly throughout the day and night. I love sleep because it's such an escape. I am wondering if I should up my Paxil. I'm at such a low dose 12.5mg. I'm going to give it a few days. I guess there is no medication for a broken heart. Maybe I should restart therapy. I feel awful.I wonder about myself and healthy grief and healthy grief going too far and me slipping into a depression. That's what feels like is happening. I seem to be getting worse. My period is due soon and there is a full moon; but this feels bigger than just that.
It means so much to me to talk with you Barbara. I just hope I can be as much support for you as you are being for me right now. I appreciate everything you say.
Cathy, the animal communicator works via phone or in person. She's very very geniune and authentic. Her website is www.animalmuse.com if you are interested in doing any work with Merlin or any others. Sounds like you and Merlin are quite connected already. I am hoping to get to the place where I can take this as a gift and so forth. I'm feeling so disheartened and lifeless at the moment(s).
keep in touch please.
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 31, 2004, at 15:09:55
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on July 31, 2004, at 1:25:20
You are a huge support to me. Talking about all this is important in it's own right, but sharing it with someone who has been through so many similar mood challenges and knows how tough that makes everything has been extra important. It's hard to talk about this stuff with just about anyone.
What you're going through really sounds like PTSD. It seems like something very violent and wrenching happened that night and all those emotions got locked in. What you're describing about the physical sensations sounds very much like an overdose of adrenaline surge. Your poor adrenals are probably spasming. I've had some EMDR eye movement therapy. It helped when I was going through some vivid flashbacks of my childhood. You can do it to yourself when you're in overwhelm. It breaks the neural loop somehow. This is how I do it:
- Sit straight backed with your legs on the floor - like a chair. It helps to have some horizontal line of site, or two level targets that your eyes can focus back and forth on.
- You feel the feelings, see the images, whatever's going on, and while this is going on tap your thighs with your middle and index fingers and, with your head straight, move your eyes right and left along with the thigh taps. Look right while tapping the right thigh, etc.
- The tempo is as if you're saying 'I am breathe-ing' (helps you remember to breath also). But just get into the rhythm without continuing to think it, you don't want your head to block out what you're feeling.
- You do this for about a minute, fully experiencing what's up, then stop and gauge where you're at. You might rate how you're feeling on a 1-10 scale. This somtimes seems to clinical for me, I'll just think 'better', 'worse', 'gone', whatever. Perhaps a new emotion will arise. Do it again for a minute and stop and keep doing this until you feel more settled.It's helped me alot and seems to break the loop that the limbic center is trying to gouge in the brain circuits. Sometimes those triggers just disolve. It's really important to nip PTSD in the bud if you can.
As for me, oh gad, I was up at 4am on my way to the emergency animal hospital this morning. Our little girl kitty, Shashee, was in severe respiritory distress. Her xrays show that she might have a heart condition and the prognosis is 6-12 months. She's in an oxygen chamber til tomorrow.
On the way home, I felt very still, almost accepting of this new thing which will surely bring fresh trauma and new grief into our lives. She and Merlin were so close and I can't help but think that she wants to follow him. We, however, would like to have her furry little presence around.
I don't know if I'm numb, in shock, or if something has shifted around my terror of death and loss. I got smacked upside the head with these issues lately, how I've been desperately running from the pain and fear of loss my whole life. The worst part is the doubt that there's any point to all this suffering, basically that life's a bitch and then you die and there's nothing after that. I got to see this so clearly and how it's been running my life. I can speak the language of spirituality and metaphysics from being on the path for so many years. I didn't realize that there was this huge part that basically thought it was all a bunch of romanticized hooey. This nihilistic part was running the show and causing a lot of despair and terror. I've been so afraid of feeling it, afraid of the fear. It came up crystal clear during this seige with Merlin and my own health issues (Stevens Johnson Syndrome in April). I bought a bunch of books at Powell's (when I had that hit about you) on death and the afterlife, people's experience with grieving, etc., and they are really helping alot.
Yesterday, I woke from a nap and was gripped with an intense visceral physical feeling of constriction around my gut, heart and throat. It was like a vice or a ball of heavy dense squeezing energy. It's 'the feeling' that I've been so afraid of feeling, so worried that if I let it in it would consume me, wrench me apart, and for what, what's the point? But there it was in its fullness, caught me unawares fresh from a nap. So I just said to it 'I'm going to be here with you and let you in, even if it kills me. I will not run from you any more'. It just grew and expanded and then I felt I could take it, I could take anything. Something shifted. So I'm feeling something like peace underneath the worry and sadness. But then again, it might just be shock.
Back to you. One other thing - go to a health food store and get a homeopathic remedy for grief: Ignatia 30C strength, and take 5 pellets every 2 hours. It really helps to break the energetic pattern of grief that can get locked in. If you can get a stronger dose, like 200C, that would be good, but most stores don't carry higher doses. While you're there, get some Siberian ginseng, which helps the adrenals and to withstand stress. Don't get the Korean or Panax - too strong for right now.
If I were you, I'd also get some benzos to help during this time. I recently got oxazepam, or Serax, which is in the Ativan family. It's very mild and doesn't impair anything but helps to smooth things out. I can't say anything about raising the Paxil since my own experiences with it weren't good, but you definitely might need something to blunt this trauma.
My husband just said something (BTW, I've been sharing with him your story cause he had a beloved pit-bull. He sends you his care and concern). He said it sounds like the fear energy during this intense trauma might have entered your energy field. It might be good to command that energy to leave, tell it to go to the Light, and envision that sticky glommy stuff being washed out of your aura by a shower of sparkling pure Light and that dense stuff going back to it's benign universal source. Do this many times. If that fails, here's where a good Shaman comes in handy.
I'll let you know of Shashee's condition as soon as I know. This is just so weird. - Barbara
Posted by katia on July 31, 2004, at 18:18:57
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on July 31, 2004, at 15:09:55
> What you're going through really sounds like PTSD. It seems like something very violent and wrenching happened that night and all those emotions got locked in. What you're describing about the physical sensations sounds very much like an overdose of adrenaline surge. Your poor adrenals are probably spasming. I've had some EMDR eye movement therapy. It helped when I was going through some vivid flashbacks of my childhood. You can do it to yourself when you're in overwhelm. It breaks the neural loop somehow. This is how I do it:
>
> - You do this for about a minute, fully experiencing what's up, then stop and gauge where you're at. You might rate how you're > It's helped me alot and seems to break the loop that the limbic center is trying to gouge in the brain circuits. Sometimes those triggers just disolve. It's really important to nip PTSD in the bud if you can.
>**Hi Barbara,
I did do some of that EMDR once years ago with a therpaist. Is it alternating hands and eyes though or moving together? i.e. left hands and right eyes? I can't remember.
I am in pain and everyone I see driving one of those big noisey trucks - big beafy guys I cringe thinking those are the ones that are fighting pit bulls. I know it's prejudice and awful but I can't help but feel the whole world is cruel and my baby would be here with me now if he had never landed in that awful situation of being forced to fight or die. Cathy told me that she couldn't believe that he wasn't dead from all he went through; he was very strong. And I can't help but think, it took me to kill him. I made the decision to put him down. I know Cathy says that it was a selfless, courageous and compassionate act, but I don't understand why I had to now. I miss his little happy dance before meals or walks. He'd dance and jump in circles - I couldn't believe he never got so dizzy to fall down. I just really miss him so much. My heart feels broken. And I don't know if this is natural grief or if I'm plummenting. I cry every day.> As for me, oh gad, I was up at 4am on my way to the emergency animal hospital this morning. Our little girl kitty, Shashee, was in severe respiritory distress. Her xrays show that she might have a heart condition and the prognosis is 6-12 months. She's in an oxygen chamber til tomorrow.
**Oh Barb, I'm so sorry. She probably is following Merlin. Maybe that can give you some comfort that he'll be waiting for her.
>
> On the way home, I felt very still, almost accepting of this new thing which will surely bring fresh trauma and new grief into our lives.**It doesn't sound like denial or shock to me. It sounds like a deep spiritual place you've arrived at. I've been there before during grief over an abortion and lose of boyfriend at the same time. I was alternating between heaven and hell with this underlying peace and connection with spirit.
> Back to you. One other thing - go to a health food store and get a homeopathic remedy for grief: Ignatia 30C strength, and take 5 pellets every 2 hours. It really helps to break the energetic pattern of grief that can get locked in. If you can get a stronger dose, like 200C, that would be good, but most stores don't carry higher doses. While you're there, get some Siberian ginseng, which helps the adrenals and to withstand stress. Don't get the Korean or Panax - too strong for right now.
**I will try some. I got that rescue remedy - Cathy also recommened that.
>
> If I were you, I'd also get some benzos to help during this time. I recently got oxazepam, or Serax, which is in the Ativan family. It's very mild and doesn't impair anything but helps to smooth things out. I can't say anything about raising the Paxil since my own experiences with it weren't good, but you definitely might need something to blunt this trauma.**I'm not so unable to sleep as I am feeling like I'm plummneting; which is why I want to possibly up the dose of Paxil. It's worked fine for me so far.
> My husband just said something (BTW, I've been sharing with him your story cause he had a beloved pit-bull. He sends you his care and concern). He said it sounds like the fear energy during this intense trauma might have entered your energy field. It might be good to command that energy to leave, tell it to go to the Light, and envision that sticky glommy stuff being washed out of your aura by a shower of sparkling pure Light and that dense stuff going back to it's benign universal source. Do this many times. If that fails, here's where a good Shaman comes in handy.
**Yes, I need help here. And I think I can do some powerful work with CAthy. She's coming over next week to speak with Rock and me.
> I'll let you know of Shashee's condition as soon as I know. This is just so weird. - Barbara
**Please do. I'm glad you're in a powerful and wise/peaceful space underneath it all.
take good care,
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 2, 2004, at 14:02:46
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on July 31, 2004, at 18:18:57
Hi Katia,
Well, good news at least about Shashee. She seems to have asthma instead of the fatal heart condition. But the weird thing is that since we moved here into this small logging town, out of the city, we're on a very dusty unpaved road that spews up dust and whatnot every time a car or f**cking logging truck goes by. We were not away of this when we moved in, thinking this was the end of the road kind of street.Four of our cats, including myself, have come down with asthma and other respiratory ailments, and it's no wonder. It's just that much more of an incentive to move away from this dull drudge place where we had hoped to find a like minded community. All we've seen in these three years are thwarted attempts by others, hampered by fears of 'those new fangled city folk's ways' (yes, that was said at a town meeting). I've never bonded here, and possible attempts at friendship were ended disastrously - like last Winter,the mean-spirited fear-based response to showing pictures of my Mom on the one-year anniversary of her death. That hurt so badly, but it was just one more validation that this isn't the place. The other heartbreak is taking a well loved familiar trail, rounding a bend and finding it's been clear-cut overnight. It feels like encroaching Mordor and it's time to get off the pot. I feel like I have a purpose to clear things out. I will either move into this energy or sink into it and falter and probably not care if I live or die.
So now, I will focus my blasted bedraggled grieving energies into things like cleaning out the archeological layers in the garage - doing 'busy stuff' to focus on rebuilding a new life somewhere. Creating auspicious feng shui in order to move the trapped energy in my living space and in my mental space. I don't know what else to do. I feel like anything can happen and I need to prepare and get strong. I am looking at this like Warrior Training - although I wish I had a mentor.
I don't presume to believe that anywhere else is perfect. You can spend a lifetime wandering around trying to find that perfect place and it doesn't exist. We live in an anxious world, but it helps to have a community of people who we can share life with, who give a damn. We can't do this life alone and here I have been lonely and isolated, especially in my illness - can't just pick up and distract when the body is screaming. My cats have provided such companionship and selfless love, and by God, it will be for them that I get my butt in gear and heal this life of mine, and find a way to move beyond the fear of pain. They are worth it. Someday I may find that I too am worth it.
The next place we consider, we will be very wary if all we see are fundamentalist churches, no bookstores, no yoga classes, and plenty and plenty of bars. These are good indications to move on. We were originally in a hurry to move because I needed quiet. One lives and learns.
As far as the EMDR, you tap the same side - tap right thigh, look to the right. As emotions, memories, swirl, you can pick up the tempo until something 'gives' and releases.
Another technique that helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed (besides taking to bed, which I am going to be doing all day today) is to 'see' a loving light entering my third eye area and embracing the wounded parts of my brain - all of it - like loving hands holding my brain and imparting healing that looks like a glowing blue light. Sometimes it feels like the crown center opens, like a tingling feeling, and adds to this blue glowing light that is so soothing. I imagine that it is clearing out gunk and repatterning my neural circuits. I believe this healing is at the utmost level. We can take pills, potions, whatever, and they do help at a certain levels. But calling upon our loving helpers to heal us at our deepest wounded natures is where it has to happen. I don't think most folks are aware of this need or the possibility of this kind of healing. Pills can only do so much.
I'm glad you have Cathy. It sounds like she knows you and what you're going through. Definitely PTSD, I regognize the signs. Your body is in a chemical shock and perpetuates the loop of the trauma memories. It is adrenaline and CRF. Those loops must be broken by deep rest to the adrenals, but the ultimate healing is releasing into the pain and grief and the not knowing, and moving into the expanded state it offers. It is a powerful doorway, but a damn painful one and you need your body's strength to support you, as well as the support of loving friends on both sides.
Who knows what's going on, Katia. Rock may very well be a very special companion from lifetimes and lifetimes, and this is just one more pas de deux in your dance of lifetimes. The fact that you had to put him down is devastating. I feel the same way about Merlin, although every breath was agony - he had absolutely no lung tissue left! And yet he wanted to continue. His death agony was shattering. I wonder - gee, maybe if it hadn't of been for this shitty road, his lungs would have had a chance. But that's just mind noise and of no help to anyone. He had FIV. His organs, one by one, were succumbing to anything and everything. There was nothing I could do except to send him on as lovingly and courageously as I knew how - because IT WAS TIME. Rock's tortured existence taught him much, I am certain, and now it's time for him to heal, incorporate, and perhaps act as a cosmic cop against those unconscious numnutz who do these things to innocent critters. Someone has to do it, and I get the feeling he might enjoy this new job of his. Who knows?
Yes, we miss them. There's nothing anyone can say to make that pain feel better. Whatever happens in the next reality, in this reality, it hurts and there is an empiness and the physical longing to hold a warm cuddly body. I can't begin to tell you how this has activated all kinds of stuff from my Mom's death as well. Mainly the unanswerable questions of life and death and continuation. My life feels consumed by this right now. Every book I read, movies I'm drawn to. I have no time for sitting in the bars in town trying to convince clueless drunks that they need to think about voting, get a clue, go see Farenheit 9/11 if they're undecided. But even that fire in my belly feels 'oh well'. Life will go on, will flounder, falter, we all may be wiped out and that may be the best thing. I simply don't know and that's all I know. And I have to put this anguished trembling energy into something constructive and that, for want of anything better, is to MOVE. I am wiped out. I need to go unconsious for awhile, take a benzo and take refuge in Nepenthe. Later, Barbara
Posted by katia on August 2, 2004, at 14:41:52
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 2, 2004, at 14:02:46
> Hi Katia,
> Well, good news at least about Shashee.GREAT NEWS! Maybe little Shashee was feeling a little ignored and wanted some attention! Sly little critter - smart little critter.
Moving sounds good. Where are you thinking? I know I won't stay here forever - too crowded and fast. BUT wherever peaceful spot I go next (in about three years), it will have to be one like you described - watch out for those churches and bars seek out an aware community.
Thank you for the kind words about Rock. I just spoke with Cathy on the phone minutes before I got this posting of yours. She is coming over Thursday to do some work with Rock and me. She is so blown away by our pure love together and Rock as such a special being. She's writing his story for a publication about animals and telepathy. He is an ambassador. He was soooo sooo special. IS.
I got an email from the breeders of him (who showed him in those pictures of Rock you saw five years ago). They are so upset over his mistreatment and abuse. He said that Rock was the BEST dog with temperment and personality; his hackles never even raised around other dogs. I contacted them in search of Rock's baby pictures.F*** those damn people who abuse these precious living beings.
Cathy does work over the phone. She just needs a description of the animal/pet and she came start commmunicating. She is a healer. Maybe it's something you want to do? She's helped me so much. I don't know what I would've done without her during this time. I needed to understand more and she helped with that.
Hope you get some sleep and rest.
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 13:07:26
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 2, 2004, at 14:41:52
Hi Katia,
What is Cathy's info again? I could look in old posts but if you have it handy... I want to let you know that you and Rock are now on a 24-hour 30 day prayer circle. Never hurts to have good words and intentions from others.I slept all day yesterday and feel like a new person. Very rested, after all the trauma of the past few weeks. Thank the good spirits for benzos. I wouldn't have been able to just let down and sleep without them. It takes alot to knock me out, even when I'm exhausted.
We're thinking moving to the Ashland, OR area. Are you familiar with Ashland? Alot of cultural events, spiritual communities, good eatin' joints, gorgeous scenery, jobs, and not crowded at all. The Shakespeare Festival is a big Summer event. It's getting fairly expensive so we can't drag our heels too long.
In the past, any major move was prompted by some sort of catastrophe, some major reason or other. Moving is such a royal pain. It's easy to put up with situations not in one's best interest, so as not to go through the hassle. We'd probably still be in Marin if our landlord's daughter didn't need a place to live in a big hurry and we had to move out in a big hurry. The economy and housing prices were so high in the Bay Area that we just upped and moved to Oregon on blind faith and never looked back. Portland started getting crowded and expensive - the reason we wanted to leave the Bay Area. We moved to this little redneck community, with some idyllic notions of quilting bees and country dances. More like country flailing and country puking at the local bars, the only community venues in town (besides the very conservative churches). Been a good cave experience, but it's time to move out of the cave. Especially since this cave breeds asthma.
Thanks for your sweet words on Shashee. She's been sticking close by but she has a big bite mark on her head, like some animal chomped on her. I hate this worrying about them. I'd love to have a huge fenced in compound. I don't know how people with kids do it. I would be a total wreck every time they were out of my site. But sometimes I wonder if I'd have the same total love for human kids than for my furry ones.
Hope you're healing a little better each day. You and Rock are in my thoughts and prayers. If you get those puppy pictures, please post them. - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 3, 2004, at 14:46:15
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 13:07:26
Hi Barbara,
Is it your prayer circle? Thank you for that. We could use it. I'm having a rough time, but today is better than before. I still feel queasy though. I'm getting ready to go on a walk for the first time since that night. Rock and I went to a different field to throw the tennis ball; one we'd never been to before because I sensed danger in the air and wanted to be hidden. He lost his ball that night in the woods. I want to find it today.Her name is Cathy Malkin. her website is www.animalmuse.com
Best wishes for energy and inspiration for your move. Once you're there, you'll be glad. Just put it in gear and then collapse once you're there.
take good care,
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 15:18:06
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 3, 2004, at 14:46:15
The prayer circle is two: Silent Unity, and The Living Enrichment Center in Wilsonville, OR, a wonderful New Thought church that I miss very much that used to be near where we lived.
The move won't happen for at least 1 year. The target is next October. I want to do it right, keep a steady beat on clearing out and getting ready. There is so much junk to clean out from years of bright idea projects that never came to fruition. I've carried this stuff with me for too many moves thinking I'd get to it in 'the new place'. If I lived 900 years I wouldn't have time to finish these projects, but they seemed a good idea at the time. Thankfully we have a humongo sized garage - and I must say that the stuff is very neatly on the many shelves - otherwise I'd be too embarrassed to have anyone over to my house. I recall a great term C.H.A.O.S, or Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. As long as no one peeks in the garage, my home looks like someone relatively normal lives here.
Good luck on your walk. Revisiting favorite places is so hard without your buddy. Walks are so much more fun with a pup. Feels safer too. I've been praying for his soul, Katia. It never hurts, although I'm sure he was able to find the Light with no problem. I like to think that Rock and Merlin have met up with each other and are frisking about. What fun they must be having! I like that thought. Cats and dogs probably get along just fine in the Great Beyond.
Have you had any dreams about him? I had one very minor one where Merlin was walking into another room. I had many dreams like this of my Mom at first. I'd see her walking into another room and I'd call out to her but she kept on walking. A few months later she came to me with some powerful 'real' dreams. I'm sure it takes them a little while to come down from the absolute blissful high they're on at first. New things to do, places to go, old friends to catch up with.
Just got a call that Merlin's ashes are ready to be picked up. I'm not sure why we hold on to these things since they are long gone, but he's got a special place all set up for him. I sure don't understand death, but I guess we're not supposed to. We're supposed to do the best we can without any guarantees. A long strange trip, this life.
> Is it your prayer circle? Thank you for that. We could use it. I'm having a rough time, but today is better than before. I still feel queasy though. I'm getting ready to go on a walk for the first time since that night. Rock and I went to a different field to throw the tennis ball; one we'd never been to before because I sensed danger in the air and wanted to be hidden. He lost his ball that night in the woods. I want to find it today.
>
> Her name is Cathy Malkin. her website is www.animalmuse.com
>
> Best wishes for energy and inspiration for your move. Once you're there, you'll be glad. Just put it in gear and then collapse once you're there.
> take good care,
> Katia
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