![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 61 to 85 of 91. Go back in thread:
Posted by Jost on August 22, 2006, at 16:43:16
In reply to Re: Goals for Saturday [update] and Sunday » Jost, posted by llrrrpp on August 21, 2006, at 17:08:47
Thanks for your kind words, ll.
The situation is not going well. I'm really very angry about it, or will be, I'm afraid, if/when I think about it.
I'll have to post about it later, because I'm at this Vermont spot where I'm supposed to be about to do something nice.
I've been really curmudgeonly all day. Probably because I got the most frustrating email from her last night.
Also from someone else I've been trying to set things up with. Grrrwaaah.
Later tonight, I'll try to get my thoughts about it together.
I greatly appreciate your wafting a sea breeze my way. That must have been that great scent around here. Although Vermont is very green (I must say), every so often, there's this funny fresh salty-soury-clean-clear misty smell. Wondered what it was.
bah. It does make me feel bad about myself (I mean the emails/lack of living up to promises. I probably am doing something that makes it easier, too.)
Jost
Posted by llrrrpp on August 22, 2006, at 17:45:39
In reply to Re: Goals for Saturday [update] and Sunday » llrrrpp, posted by Jost on August 22, 2006, at 16:43:16
Well, enjoy lovely green Vermont. I'm in N. England myself right now. I hope to do some woodsy camping this weekend. any recommendations?
Don't open emails from her anymore. just enjoy the deep air there. breathe.
and know that your friends on p-babble care about Jost and don't think bad things of you at all.
you sound like you're suffering from vitamin Schoko deficiency. (((((((Jost))))))))
-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on August 22, 2006, at 18:00:45
In reply to Re: Goals for Saturday [update] and Sunday » llrrrpp, posted by Jost on August 22, 2006, at 16:43:16
Folks, I have turned into a lumpy pile of fuzzy cat-mind. I can only think as far as my next nap.
Cause? I left my provigil at home. Friend mailed it to me, expected arrival date is Wednesday. Pray for me.
Effect: Can't think straight. Yawning so deep it makes my knees buckle. I slept 9 hours last night, and then have napped for another 5 hours today. No memory. No work getting done. I can hardly read without passing out.
Goals:
1)to finish reading a book about eating frogs. It's about breaking the cycle of procrastination. I think I am not really up to doing the exercises, but I can at least read it, until the little white tablets arrive. "Eat frog"2)to not ruin my trip to visit husband: i.e. napping when he is at work or driving, not when we're having quality time, or when we need to be working together, (I lay on the floor in fetal position while he made dinner and cleaned up afterwards. I suck)
3)to keep my wits about me and not allow myself to succomb to stressful situations by crying, isolating, and depressing myself. to avoid the thought patterns of self-hate that come up so naturally when I am not getting ANY work done, and not helping out around the house at all.
4)to eat ice cream and play with my cat. I have taken a nap with her this afternoon. It was so sweet (((my cat)))
5)oh. i forgot already. yes!! I remembered- NOT to post on admin until the month of September begins. it's getting heated over there, and that kind of stress is just what I DONT need. deputies, you're doing a great job keeping up. Where's Dr. Bob? You guys have been putting in over-time in an all out assault on the admin board. I'm impressed by all babblers who can visit and spread cheer, rather than animosity.
6)wear clothes that don't look as sleepy as I feel.
-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on August 25, 2006, at 8:17:11
In reply to Goals for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, posted by llrrrpp on August 22, 2006, at 18:00:45
Here are the written goals:
Get iced coffee
find a campground
check the weather this weekend
fix kernel panic in iMac
code 1 DVD
look @ data from analyst
clean the desk
enroll in dental plan
chat with crouton
babble-break
check emailpack camping stuff and overnight bag, incl bikes and helmets
prepare directions
pack DVD machine and headphones and DVDsHere's my progress
fix kernel panic- attempted to reboot using powermac and iMac linked in firewire mode- to enable me to see whether a file has gotten misplaced, and correct permissions, etc. NO such luck. Next, ran Apple Hardware test. No problems detected. Darwin Kernel 8.7.0 ...panic: We are hanging here.Hello, ME TOO. I'm about to start crying again. dammit. I don't know how transferring my music library and the printer drivers to the iMac could have caused a kernel panic. GRRR!!! I wish the iMac had OSX 10.4 Tiger. It's on OSX 10.3 Panther. Hold on! I had a dream about a black panther 2 nights ago. It was sleek, and very domesticated. It was exactly like a sweet housecat, only larger and baritone.
Cleaned the desk. Now it's organized. I still cannot think, however. F*ck.
Checked my e-mail. yep. No more nasties from the coworkers trying to ostracize the one chick for being different. The one chick called me last week, and was VERY upset. I soothed her somewhat uncollected, disorganized emotions. Tried to get her to see things from an American Perspective. She's E. Asian. Poor thing doesn't even know that people are setting her up. Taking advantage of her manners and naivete.
Babble-break. Currently in progress.
Mental health goals- See the abyss? it's in front of me. I'm headed for it. I fee kind of out of control of my own feelings. Reacting too strongly to silly things like TV and books. Triggered too easily. Angered too easily. Have the tightness in my chest that signals anxiety. GOAL. Take a left turn (sinestre) and find an oasis of date palms just west of the abyss. Eat real meals, not just impulsive snacks. Get some nutrients. Relax my furrowed brow. Smile at the lady when I go get my iced coffee (presently). Do some real work, not this pseudo-work that is causing an otherwise healthy computer to go into kernel panic. WHY? I have no idea why the damn thing is in kernel panic. I didn't do anything wrong. Just followed the freakin' directions.
still reading? still convinced I have a lovely temperament? I wish I could temper my temperament. Like chocolate. Heat it up, then bring it down to a cozy 85 degrees and hold it there in uncrystallized idyll indefinitely.
I know why the kernel panic is wigging me out. It's because *I* have to fix it before I leave this place in 4 days. Husband is useless, and I have completely botched what was to be a "repair" haha.
Signing off to go get the world's best iced coffee. Can't tell you where. It would disclose my location. Lemme just say that nearby there is a road where Dunkin Donuts is right next to Tim Horton's is right next to Starbucks. And it's at NONE of those places. Rather, it's in a cute indie cafe with a hewed stone counter. If they're out of iced coffee, I might just apply said counter to my temple. oh yes.
T? pdoc? you guys listening? Got some suggestions for me so that have a kernel panic: We are hanging here.
Posted by Jost on August 25, 2006, at 12:16:11
In reply to Re: Goals for Friday: Kernel Panic » llrrrpp, posted by llrrrpp on August 25, 2006, at 8:17:11
Good Ll,you do h ave lovely temperament. sorry about kernel panic. just try not to catch that from computer. (I never have heard of kernel panic, but it sounds bad.)
Okay, so let' s see, you're in NE, near ocean, with place that has Tim Horton's, a Starbucks, and a Dunkin Donuts, at a corner of some sort. And an indie coffee house. That narrows it down quite a bit.
Ech. SigO just got back from whatever SigO was doing and therefore it is now Time to Do Whatever "We" were going to do. Seems we were not going to write on babble. We were going to go on hike that We really want to go on. (SigO does not have the word I in vocabulary. Likes We.) And it is time to "get the day going"-- apparently day is not going, if I am on babble.
SigO seems determined. Does not like continued babbling.
Will have to continue search for Ll later.
And continue pondering Ll's travails after hike has commenced and SigO is enraptured with wonders of woods, hence does not need further communion with me.
You'll set that computer straight soon, Ll. Did you have your Vitamin S today? Or that new Vitamin VanillaIcing? Or Eis?
SigO has started reading New York Times. This is a Test. I now have the chance to redeem self--or prove completely obstinate and unmanageable, If I get up now and start to get day underway before new intervention on his part necessary.
Better get up. Consequences could be unfortunate if I don't.
See you later.
Jost
Posted by llrrrpp on August 25, 2006, at 13:07:09
In reply to Re: Goals for Friday: Kernel Panic » llrrrpp, posted by Jost on August 25, 2006, at 12:16:11
> Good Ll,you do h ave lovely temperament. sorry about kernel panic. just try not to catch that from computer. (I never have heard of kernel panic, but it sounds bad.)
It's where the computer doesn't recognize that it has an operating system.
> Okay, so let' s see, you're in NE, near ocean, with place that has Tim Horton's, a Starbucks, and a Dunkin Donuts, at a corner of some sort. And an indie coffee house. That narrows it down quite a bit.
haha! or maybe I was just lying...
> Ech. SigO just got back from whatever SigO was doing and therefore it is now Time to Do Whatever "We" were going to do. Seems we were not going to write on babble. We were going to go on hike that We really want to go on. (SigO does not have the word I in vocabulary. Likes We.) And it is time to "get the day going"-- apparently day is not going, if I am on babble.
haha. My husband likes to say- Hey, when are you gonna be done talking to your psycho friends? I'm hungry/bored/in a hurry/
> SigO seems determined. Does not like continued babbling.
what IS it with those people!?!
> Will have to continue search for Ll later.
>
> And continue pondering Ll's travails after hike has commenced and SigO is enraptured with wonders of woods, hence does not need further communion with me.Wow, I'm happy that I enjoy some space in your neocortex. Don't ponder too hard. Don't wanna suffer a kernel panic!
> You'll set that computer straight soon, Ll. Did you have your Vitamin S today? Or that new Vitamin VanillaIcing? Or Eis?
I had an almond latte. The best iced coffee in the world cafe wasn't opened. bummer, huh? I spent some serious money at the Vitamin S. Store yesterday. I'm gonna go take a small dose right now.
> SigO has started reading New York Times. This is a Test. I now have the chance to redeem self--or prove completely obstinate and unmanageable, If I get up now and start to get day underway before new intervention on his part necessary.Ha! my husband's test is even worse. He sits in the rocking chair, about 5 feet away from the computer, and just rocks and stares out the window. New intervention alternates between some kind of provoking question, exhasperated sighs, and the piece de resistence- tickling me.
> Better get up. Consequences could be unfortunate if I don't.I got rid of husband by sending him to work today. nice, huh?
-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on August 25, 2006, at 13:08:28
In reply to Re: Goals for Friday: Kernel Panic » llrrrpp, posted by Jost on August 25, 2006, at 12:16:11
I was gonna b-mail you and disclose my secret location, but you're hiking, apparently, and don't want to be disturbed.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 26, 2006, at 17:20:36
In reply to Re: Goals for Friday: Kernel Panic » Jost, posted by llrrrpp on August 25, 2006, at 13:08:28
Goals for Saturday
Oh my GOD- could it be? a hint of? a little facial wrinkle that is the start of a smile.
Take it easy, me, because you need some alone time right now, and you're surrounded by a larger-than-life personality. Don't let the stress get to that point again. You know what I mean, at least in hindsight.
And remember the love that the cat gives you. She slept right next to you this afternoon, as you dozed off. She made your tummy warm, and absorbed your negativity, dispersing it with her purrs.
Try to enjoy a movie without being triggered. Remember to ask T how to avoid this. Something about maintaing a realistic 'distance' from events around me. This is a delicate balance, between being triggered (i.e. psychologically immersed in a traumatic scene) and tending towards dissociation, which probably landed me in the depressed abyss to start with. denial and dissociation.
My To Do List has already been satisfied, including:
sleeping
napping
eating seafood (fried clams, oh yeah!)
laundry
fixing the computer- it's better than new. I'm GOOD!
quality time with the cat
drinking the world's best iced coffee.Jost, I have taken 3 units of Vitamin S in solid form, and 150 ml of liquid Vitamin S.
I think I need to eat more protein, though. Does Lindt make protein bars? lol
-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 0:25:10
In reply to Goals for Saturday » llrrrpp, posted by llrrrpp on August 26, 2006, at 17:20:36
Posted by finelinebob on August 27, 2006, at 1:24:47
In reply to CALLING ALL POSTERS!! TELL US YOUR GOALS 2day! (nm), posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 0:25:10
Wake up early, even tho its 2:20am and I have to cycle through my favorite Babble boards at least one more time.
Check to see if my company's web-based CMS is up so I can create the email that is supposed to go out today at 6pm.
Get to Meeting on time, even tho the L train isn't running due to construction.
Meet my dear friends and their two precocious boys in the middle of Grand Central Station, and take them on a tour of Lower Manhattan.
Play with Leyna, play some guitar, Babble, then sleep.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 11:44:59
In reply to Re: CALLING ALL POSTERS!! TELL US YOUR GOALS 2day!, posted by finelinebob on August 27, 2006, at 1:24:47
Goals for Sunday
1. delete repeated songs in my iTunes music library, find a few GB, and import some new songs.
2. eat some fruit
3. take my vitamins
4. polish my toenails
5. go to bed at 11:30 pm so that I can wake up at 7:30 on Monday am and get my day started with coffee and some psychobabble before work commences at 9:00 am.
6. go shopping, get something nice for myself that I will use, and that is on sale. (I never shop for myself when I'm not with my husband. I only buy groceries and pharmaceuticals, lol)
7. get my mojo back
not necessarily in that order...******************
My soundtrack today:Don Juan by R. Strauss: Berlin Phil, ideally or Wiener Phil
Sonata # 1 for Violin by C. Ives
Sym # 7 by Beethoven. Cleveland/Szell
Impromptus by F. Chopin. Barto
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 11:47:15
In reply to Re: CALLING ALL POSTERS!! TELL US YOUR GOALS 2day!, posted by finelinebob on August 27, 2006, at 1:24:47
What is CMS?
It sounds like a nice busy sunday. Have fun with doggy and friends. don't work too hard!
say hi to the ceiling at Grand Central for me?
You forgot to mention taking a nice relaxing hot shower before bedtime? surely an oversight?
-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 11:57:19
In reply to Re: Goals for Friday: Kernel Panic » llrrrpp, posted by Jost on August 25, 2006, at 12:16:11
Jost,
your difficult non-commital coworker is avoiding duties. I bet she does this to everyone. I know I do!! I had professors breathing down my neck for a couple of years, until they gave up on my collaboration completely. Now, when I mention my progress on various long-lost projects, they seem so grateful and sweet. I guess I just like feeling needed and appreciated, rather than like a research assistant grunt. I'm NOT saying that this is how your collaborator is feeling, I'm just saying that this is one possible outcome of procrastination. I have one paper that is almost ready for publication (um, like for the last 18 months?) and another project that has been percolating for so long, neglected by me, that the data analysis technology has actually surpasses what we originally planned, and designed the study for. I don't think we've been scooped yet, but god knows what's in the pipeline. I have usually gotten around my procrastination issues by picking collaborators who are much more organized and publication-oriented than I.Jost, is this project necessary to finish immediately? Do you have a deadline? If no, can you just give your collaborator some space until she misses the project again, or are you convinced that she will drift away entirely? Would a week of giving her "space" jeopardize the entire project? My guess is that she likes the project, but is feeling guilty about her upcoming coursework, and to minimize her guilt, she'll just avoid opening your emails, or crafting an apporpriate response.
Well. hang in there. it's Sunday. go buy yourself a bagel. mmm!
-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 12:01:20
In reply to Re: Monday goals (perhaps a suicide trigger*) » llrrrpp, posted by curtm on August 21, 2006, at 17:30:32
> That is wonderful that your hubby passed the test! (salutes) I am proud to have him as a fellow citizen! Please tell him I said that.
>
> A crouton is not a crouton without a lollipop! You can tell him that too, but he might think I'm a little crazy.
>Thank you curtm,
I told him, and he was pleased to have your well-wishes. He wishes he could salute back, but he's not sure of your rank and doesn't want to make a faux-pas. He's most excited to be able to travel with a US passport. It will make life a lot easier for us both.He already thinks you're a little crazy, but that's okay. He thinks I'm a little crazy too, and we get along pretty well.
-llolliporrrppppp
Posted by Jost on August 27, 2006, at 12:56:30
In reply to Re: Goals for Friday: Kernel Panic » Jost, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 11:57:19
Ll, I'll have to scowl at you, then, a lot, for your very sweetly forgiving Profs. Grrrrrrrr.
If only you were right, though.Unf. this is a bit more drastic. I should mention that my coworker is not US citizen. Is studying in US. Is going back to old country at the end of Sept.
Is supposedly coming back in mid Nov. (or not, depending.... on various things....)
I'd explain, except I'd start babbling again. not psychobabbling, just babbling.
Co-w A doesn't seem to have much guilt going. Co-worker C has some-- but I dont' like imposing on it. Am getting a little more unscrupulous, though. She worked with me four times in last week and a half. She';s going to Brazil for two weeks, starting tomorrow. Must have needed money--ie she was the one who really wanted to work, for a change-- I haven't yet become less scrupulous, just contemplating doing that. Lucky me. Made a lot of progress.Right before I woke up this am., I had a short dream that Co-worker B, also in process of semi-scr*wing me, had come an hour earlier than I thought, and that I was sleeping. I was awakened (in dream) by her voice on my answering machine, angrily telling me off, because I hadn't let in her, and she'd been waiting for over half an hour in the hall. ---I felt lousy, since I'd probably screwed things up permanently with her. but it wasn't really my fault... (I"m not sure why, but it seemed as if she wasn't supposed to come that early)
It's different from grad school-- wish I were Prof. and they were students. Think I'd get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Also they'd be hanging around for years and years, right down the hall-- captive co-workers, right where I could find them and glare at them from my position of righteous professorship.
then go to faculty meeting, very ostentiously, and as if I were about to give them a bad report. (I'm really mean, underneath any facade of niceness that I manage to mount, if I do.)
Jost.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 22:01:31
In reply to Goals for Sunday, plus optional soundtrack, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 11:44:59
> Goals for Sunday
>
> 1. delete repeated songs in my iTunes music library, find a few GB, and import some new songs.
nope
> 2. eat some fruit
yep, made a big fruit salad with apples, pears, pluots and plums> 3. take my vitamins
nope. guess I better take them with my meds.
> 4. polish my toenails
nope. guess I better wear socks.
> 5. go to bed at 11:30 pm so that I can wake up at 7:30 on Monday am and get my day started with coffee and some psychobabble before work commences at 9:00 am.this one is still attainable. I need to commence pre-sleep countdown in 5 minutes.
> 6. go shopping, get something nice for myself that I will use, and that is on sale. (I never shop for myself when I'm not with my husband. I only buy groceries and pharmaceuticals, lol)
yep. I got new shoes. post on social. They are quite cute, and very walkable.
> 7. get my mojo backCrap. just had a big argument with husband. I very much doubt that this was beneficial towards attaining goal 7.
> Don Juan by R. Strauss: Berlin Phil, ideally or Wiener Phil
>
check
> Sonata # 1 for Violin by C. Ives
nope
> Sym # 7 by Beethoven. Cleveland/Szell
check- all 4 mvmts.
> Impromptus by F. Chopin. Barto
nope.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 22:11:12
In reply to Re: Goals for Friday: Kernel Panic » llrrrpp, posted by Jost on August 27, 2006, at 12:56:30
> Ll, I'll have to scowl at you, then, a lot, for your very sweetly forgiving Profs. Grrrrrrrr.
OOOOohhhhhh! I'm getting scared. Jost. that grr doesn't go well with your shirt.
> If only you were right, though.
>
> Unf. this is a bit more drastic. I should mention that my coworker is not US citizen. Is studying in US. Is going back to old country at the end of Sept.That's bad news. I'm so sorry.
> I'd explain, except I'd start babbling again. not psychobabbling, just babbling.
>Lucky me. Made a lot of progress.good- hold onto that feeling. progress is progress.
> Right before I woke up this am., I had a short dream that Co-worker B, also in process of semi-scr*wing me, had come an hour earlier than I thought, and that I was sleeping. I was awakened (in dream) by her voice on my answering machine, angrily telling me off, because I hadn't let in her, and she'd been waiting for over half an hour in the hall. ---I felt lousy, since I'd probably screwed things up permanently with her. but it wasn't really my fault... (I"m not sure why, but it seemed as if she wasn't supposed to come that early)
Geez Jost- they are invading your sleep now? Make them go away. Seriously. yuck. You've got a T? Can you talk about this and get some feedback on how to either deal with difficult people more productively OR how best to take your dose of Fukitol. Seriously, work is great, and progress is invigorating, but Life should be LIVED! work is only one thing we do. We do not live in order to maximize our working selves. We should work in order to maximize our living selves. Isn't that some splendid nonsense? I maximized myself a lot today, on that topic. Have decided to pursue a more sensible diet when I get a chance.
> It's different from grad school-- wish I were Prof. and they were students. Think I'd get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Also they'd be hanging around for years and years, right down the hall-- captive co-workers, right where I could find them and glare at them from my position of righteous professorship.[...]then go to faculty meeting, very ostentiously, and as if I were about to give them a bad report. (I'm really mean, underneath any facade of niceness that I manage to mount, if I do.)
Jost. I do not respect professors that try to rule through fear. I avoid them. I RESPECT people who make me want to be better. I RESPECT people who listen to me, and know me well enough to tell me how my strengths can help me overcome my weaknesses. I RESPECT people who show kindness and forgiveness in the face of hardship, without losing a sense of what is important to them.
Seriously, this gruff thing doesn't match your shirt. you want to be pompous? fine. maybe I'll work hard for you. In the meanwhile, I'd work on getting out of a position where you had any kind of power over me.
-ll
.
Posted by Jost on August 27, 2006, at 23:49:33
In reply to Re: Goals for Sunday, update, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 22:01:31
> >
> Crap. just had a big argument with husband. I very much doubt that this was beneficial towards attaining goal 7.
>
>
> >Oh-oh. Been there, done that. --
Last day of vacaiety attack was not so great.
Probably tomorrow, your mojo will start to return. Sorry about the fight.
It's amazing how quickly things turn around, both for good and ill.
Maybe listen to a Brahms symphony?
Jost
Posted by finelinebob on August 28, 2006, at 0:20:04
In reply to Re: CALLING ALL POSTERS!! TELL US YOUR GOALS 2day!, posted by finelinebob on August 27, 2006, at 1:24:47
> Wake up early, even tho its 2:20am and I have to cycle through my favorite Babble boards at least one more time.
Did that too much, way too much.
> Check to see if my company's web-based CMS is up so I can create the email that is supposed to go out today at 6pm.Yep. 5am, the Content Management System was up and I got the email out. Managed to stay awake until 7:30am.
> Get to Meeting on time, even tho the L train isn't running due to construction.Yeah, right, lol. I had five different alarms set, and one finally woke me at 11:45.
> Meet my dear friends and their two precocious boys in the middle of Grand Central Station, and take them on a tour of Lower Manhattan.Tho it brings up horrid visions of Peter Cetera leading Chicago, it was another rainy day in New York City. Didn't see much outdoors, but we hopped around so much that they now know how to take advantage of the subways and buses like pros. Had a very nice walk through the Village, then down Canal to Chinatown and Little Italy. Canal was tough, tho, because if you knew where to look you could see the hole in the sky -- plus the construction cranes were visible and the poor Deutsche Bank building. Too much lingering grief there, but my friends didn't need to know about that. Later on wound up at Lombardi's for some pizza and then Veniero's for some Italian desserts ... I got way too many cannoli to take home with me.
(Lombardi's is the "1st" pizzeria in the US ... 1905. Only one left in NYC with a coal-fired pizza oven. If you like thin crust, this is the best you can get. Veniero's is 11 years older -- 1894 -- and is the most awesome Italian bakery around.)
> Play with Leyna, play some guitar, Babble, then sleep.Got back too late for guitar. Leyna wouldn't NOT have me play with her. Nope, no shower before bed. I need it more in the morning. Sleep? Yeah, guess I should. Gotta work tomorrow.
Posted by Jost on August 28, 2006, at 0:20:48
In reply to Jost's nightmares » Jost, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 22:11:12
Oh, Ll. Dont take me so seriously.
I wasn't really grrrrr-ing. And what's wrong with my shirt? So it's got a big coffee stain on the middle of the front, just below a button. I can't help it if coffee dribbles.
The day that I rule by fear will be the millenium (the next one). Or the apocalypse.
I''ll make a note, though:
"LL does not take kindly to unkindly Profs., or jokes thereupon. Also, Ll is very sensitive on this subject, since being in graduate school can put a damper on one's sense of humor re: unkindly Profs. Do not joke or otherwise take subject lightly. "
So noted.
As for what I would do in the hallway, if I saw my erstwhile co-worker-- from whom, by the way, I have not heard-- the likelihood of my acting in any way threateningly, or frighteningly, is about zero.
And remember, I'm not a Prof. --- Although: Coulda,woulda,shoulda.
But also, understand that my work is my life-- not because it's "work," but because it's when I feel alive. I really don't want to get into it, esp. when you're a bit out of sorts w/me, but we all live differently and for different reasons.
Incidentally, I respect people that I respect--for reasons having little (or nothing) to do with whether they command fear, love, liking, comradery, or opposition. I may feel more comfortable with some than others-- absolutely-- but respect isn't comfort or even benefit.
Probably after a while, I could resent or avoid people who scare me too much, but I would still respect them if they had other qualities that I respected or admired, which they might.
My T is away for another two weeks, and offline, or off the grid. Plus we don't do well on the phone. We;ve talked a lot at times about my complicated feelings about the people I work with, and myself in relation to them. And I'm sure we'll talk more.Sorry you are unhappy with certain professors--or me--though. Grad school can be a b*tch. So can I, undoubtedly.
Sleep tight tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Jost
Posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 7:08:13
In reply to Re: Jost's nightmares » llrrrpp, posted by Jost on August 28, 2006, at 0:20:48
1.write a to-do list that merits 5 good hours of work on a cruddy Monday.
2. Get started on aforementioned list by 8:30 am, shortly after babble-check and coffee run.
3. Try to convince Jost that I'm not grumpy at him. I think Jost's great. Sorry about the miscommunication. If you really want to be angry, you need to switch coffee-stained shirt for a really itchy one that's max 9.99 at wal-mart, about 2 sizes too small and wear a really tight belt. That's enough to make even the tamest Jost really grumpy. And if you want to turn grumpy into threatening or frightening, just add 200mg caffeine :o) I'm kinda touchy about difficult profs, being surrounded by them, and dependent on them like never before in my life. Fortunately my advisor is kind, if somewhat neglectful. While I try to avoid the office intrigue, the fight for being alpha-grad student is kind of grating over time, and I've been at this for some time now...
4. Help husband prepare for bbq party tonight
4.1. Reacquire mojo, preferably via cuddling than verbal sparring.
5. Use q-tip to get the water out of my ears.
6. Smile at the first 3 people I see today.
7. Find something beautiful in the midst of... what feels like the prelude to Autumn
8. Brahms 2nd Sym. via process of elimination. 1 is too recent and raw, having just performed it, I'll only be humming the 1st violin part, rather than absorbing the Gestalt. 3 is too melancholy and intimate. 4 is too bold and manly.
******************And a Haiku alluding to my stimulant regime...
More daffodils at
seven-thirty this morning,
smell the coffee now?
Posted by curtm on August 28, 2006, at 8:18:41
In reply to Goals for Monday » Jost, posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 7:08:13
1. Finish typing 90 pages of steel material required for purchase orders.
2. Babble breaks as necessary to maintain sanity.
3. Clean son's room from play tornado that destroyed it this weekend.
4. Babble breaks as necessary to maintain sanity.
5. Get spare keys made for the house and garage if I can remember.
6. Babble breaks as necessary to maintain sanity.
Have a productive day everyone.
Curt
Posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 20:47:37
In reply to Goals for Monday » Jost, posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 7:08:13
> 1.write a to-do list that merits 5 good hours of work on a cruddy Monday.
Yep! I actually ran out of to-do list. Had to create a blog to deal with excess productivity.
> 2. Get started on aforementioned list by 8:30 am, shortly after babble-check and coffee run.
hmm. I kind of babbled and blogged until 10:15. took a 2 hour lunch break, and quit at 4. That's pretty good for me though.
> 3. Try to convince Jost that I'm not grumpy at him. I think Jost's great. Sorry about the miscommunication. If you really want to be angry, you need to switch coffee-stained shirt for a really itchy one that's max 9.99 at wal-mart, about 2 sizes too small and wear a really tight belt. That's enough to make even the tamest Jost really grumpy. And if you want to turn grumpy into threatening or frightening, just add 200mg caffeine :o) I'm kinda touchy about difficult profs, being surrounded by them, and dependent on them like never before in my life. Fortunately my advisor is kind, if somewhat neglectful. While I try to avoid the office intrigue, the fight for being alpha-grad student is kind of grating over time, and I've been at this for some time now...
Jost's gotta give me an update on this particular goal.
> 4. Help husband prepare for bbq party tonightcancelled. Ate very very delicious plump sushi instead. fantastic. Salmon, Yellowtail, Tuna, Salmon Roe, Striped Bass, Fluke (my mascot), (no clams, no king crab... alas) Also some lovely maki rolls. mmm. my favorite source of omega 3 fatty acids.
> 4.1. Reacquire mojo, preferably via cuddling than verbal sparring.
reacquired.
> 5. Use q-tip to get the water out of my ears.
yep
> 6. Smile at the first 3 people I see today.
um, do online interactions count? I only spoke with 3 people IRL today, but I smiled at all of them.
> 7. Find something beautiful in the midst of... what feels like the prelude to AutumnBridges in the misty drizzle. A real life black and white scene.
> 8. Brahms 2nd Sym. via process of elimination. 1 is too recent and raw, having just performed it, I'll only be humming the 1st violin part, rather than absorbing the Gestalt. 3 is too melancholy and intimate. 4 is too bold and manly.
Nope. Arvo Part instead. Wasn't in a symphonic mood. more of a Kammermusik mood.
> ******************
>
> And a Haiku alluding to my stimulant regime...
>
> More daffodils at
> seven-thirty this morning,
> smell the coffee now?The coffee made your
Stomach feel so weird that you
Turned down a refill
Posted by Jost on August 28, 2006, at 23:00:40
In reply to Re: Goals for Monday: update, posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 20:47:37
Well, if I had goals, I didn't accomplish them, unless they were sitting around feeling kind of sick. Maybe it's a minor virus, or end of summer slump. Or no sleep.
Had a nightmare last night. One of the few since beginning Emsam, ie early May. Can't remember it, but it was much more fantastical than my bad dream of the othernight. Probably had to do with my "co-worker"-- since that's the main thing on my mind. Although things here are also on my mind. Maybe merged together.
L (not LL, just L, my co-worker) and I had originally scheduled today, and I had emailed her twice last week, cancelling today and rest of month, if she didn't have times I could do. Both emails asked her to get in touch right away. Didn't hear anything. She's gotten back to me promptly before. So two emails and a week was out of character.
Then, she came today and rang the bell, and called from somewhere, I assume to say she was in the neighborhood. Since I wasn't dressed--and felt sick, and completely out of sorts, and afraid to be pressured by her, since I always cave--I didn't answer the door. After a few minutes of extreme guilt, I turned the phone off. Guess that's really bad.
She sent me a rather indignant email, saying I should have called her if I was changing at the last minute. Thing was, it wasn't the last minute, and we've scheduled everything by email for several months, and never used the phone.
I can't work with her, because rapport is too important in being able to work. That's where I'm really weak. I want, or need, the person to want to be there, to be committed to working-- even if it's not their work. It's hard to explain.
She also said that she was trying to work out times that would work for me. Bottom line, I don't believe her.
If that were at all true, she would have emailed a week ago, saying she what she said today-- that she was trying to work on the schedule-- Even as it was, she only offered me two times, both this week, one of which I can't do because I've already scheduled something else a long time ago.
I should have gone to the door. I should have been able to say, L, we can't work together anymore-- you defaulted on your commitment from early on, which reduced our time a lot, and now it's become clear that you aren't being straight with me. So this is it. I'm sorry. Thanks for your effort so far.
Period. End of story.
Unf. that's not something I can do. Emsam or no Emsam.
Life might be a zero-sum game, and if so, I'm playing for the other side.
I'm going to bed. I'm going to take a bunchof xanax, Ambien, neurontin, carisoprodol, and anything else I can think of that might help me get to sleep.
Tomorrow someone whom I agreed to try working with (I try it for a day or two or more) is very likely going to call either at 9 am or right before noon, or 45 minutes before she's supposed to be here (best guesses), saying that a) she unexpectedly got a great job that precludes our working, b) her grandmother died (sorry, but I've gotten that so much, for some reason), c) her rehearsal went much longer than she expected, and she can't make it-- and never call back or d) something else to that effect.
I'm pretty sure, because she seemed not to realize until after accepting, some very important aspects of the job, that she also seemed not too happy about.
My goal for tomorrow is not to get too obsessed with that whole thing.
I'm not at all grumpy with you, Ll. I appreciated your words today.
I almost order a lot of stuff online today, including some boots, on clearance--inspired by Ll. Then someone saw what I was ordering, and said, Do you Really Really Want those boots that much????? Person thinks I have way too many boots--a point made rather frequently. I happen to love boots, esp 10" work boots, esp vintage-- although these weren't-- Person thinks boots are a waste of money. I said--um Not Really. Then person, feeling somewhat guilty, said--well you should buy them, if you want them. Then I decided not to buy them, because if I didn't like them (and you can't tell, since they aren't vintage), I'd never hear the end of it.. But I got UV sunglasses-with light blue lenses. Just cause. Maybe I should have gotten the orange, or pink lenses?
Jost
Posted by llrrrpp on August 29, 2006, at 5:24:05
In reply to Re: Goals for Monday: update (long), posted by Jost on August 28, 2006, at 23:00:40
hi jost,
so sorry you're feeling crappy. I've been up since 4:30. Attempted to meditate my way back into sleep waves, but no such luck.llbean is good therapy. Take it easy on yourself. You've been doing really well, and it's okay to have a bad day here and there. Funny how feeling sick seems to happen at the moment when we are most psychologically vulnerable huh? Like when my tooth broke, and I was, as they say in German-- voellig am Ende-- totally at the end. No coping mechanisms whatsoever.
Your goal to sleep is a good one. I hope that cocktail of sleepidrugs is not too hard on your system.
(((((((((((Jost)))))))))))))
Screw the coworkers. It's your turn, after all.
-ll *not beaned*
p.s. my sunglasses have blue tinted lenses. They make me feel cool and hip. Definitely boost any confidence by 30%. I hope yours have the same effect.
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