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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 34. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maxime on April 12, 2005, at 15:58:02
There is something about giving up and losing all hope that actually feels good. I no longer feel that need to find the "cure" because I know it's not out there. I'm no longer stressed over doctors because I know no one will listen to me. So there is really nothing I can do and I can let those balloons go. I love that expression. I'm letting those balloons go! I can picture it in my mind and it's very soothing. I have no responsibilities anymore when it comes to meds. I don't have to be med compliant because nothing works. I can just stay on what I need - synthroid, clonazopam and dexedrine. I have started to wean off the Trileptal already. It makes everything less complicated. I can just be until I am no more. I fought for many years. I had hospitalisations. Been degraded by doctors and nurses. I have been brought back to life (damn them!). I have volunteered as mental health advocate (ironically enough). I've tried so many meds and now it's over. And it feels really good. It's a high in itself.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my entire mind, body and soul.
It's weird feeling. I have never felt this way before. I like it.
Maxime
Posted by tendency on April 12, 2005, at 16:51:12
In reply to No more meds and I feel good!, posted by Maxime on April 12, 2005, at 15:58:02
> There is something about giving up and losing all hope that actually feels good. I no longer feel that need to find the "cure" because I know it's not out there. I'm no longer stressed over doctors because I know no one will listen to me. So there is really nothing I can do and I can let those balloons go. I love that expression. I'm letting those balloons go! I can picture it in my mind and it's very soothing. I have no responsibilities anymore when it comes to meds. I don't have to be med compliant because nothing works. I can just stay on what I need - synthroid, clonazopam and dexedrine. I have started to wean off the Trileptal already. It makes everything less complicated. I can just be until I am no more. I fought for many years. I had hospitalisations. Been degraded by doctors and nurses. I have been brought back to life (damn them!). I have volunteered as mental health advocate (ironically enough). I've tried so many meds and now it's over. And it feels really good. It's a high in itself.
>
> I feel like a weight has been lifted off my entire mind, body and soul.
>
> It's weird feeling. I have never felt this way before. I like it.
>
> Maxime
it sounds like you have found the peace that comes with total acceptance. im glad for you that it arrived!!
Posted by zeugma on April 12, 2005, at 17:18:15
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Maxime, posted by tendency on April 12, 2005, at 16:51:12
that's great Maxime that you're feeling better!
Even no treatment is a treatment of sorts. I hope you continue to feel well.
Best,
z
Posted by banga on April 12, 2005, at 18:06:05
In reply to No more meds and I feel good!, posted by Maxime on April 12, 2005, at 15:58:02
> and I can let those balloons go. I love that expression. I'm letting those balloons go! I can picture it in my mind and it's very soothing.
> Maxime..Just please don't float away with the balloons....stay with us.
B.
Posted by zeugma on April 12, 2005, at 18:21:30
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Maxime, posted by banga on April 12, 2005, at 18:06:05
> > and I can let those balloons go. I love that expression. I'm letting those balloons go! I can picture it in my mind and it's very soothing.
> > Maxime
>
> ..Just please don't float away with the balloons....stay with us.i second that.
-z
>
>
> B.
>
>
>
>
Posted by Phillipa on April 12, 2005, at 18:57:48
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good!, posted by zeugma on April 12, 2005, at 18:21:30
I know what you mean. Just one or two meds is such a relief to me. Especially when one questions if the others were doing anything anyway. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Maxime on April 12, 2005, at 22:06:13
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good!, posted by zeugma on April 12, 2005, at 17:18:15
Hi
My pdoc finally called me today. I had called him last week after I started to lactate on the Desipramine. He told me we've exhausted all meds. I told him that I called the psychopharmacologist last week that he made the referral to and that no one had called me back. He didn't offer to call him or anything.
He said to call him in the middle of May and let him know how I am doing. It's great! He has nothing more to offer me ... I can let those balloons go as well! I won't be psych patient anymore!
Maxime
Posted by Shy_Girl on April 12, 2005, at 23:32:41
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good!, posted by Maxime on April 12, 2005, at 22:06:13
He has nothing more to offer me ... I can let those balloons go as well! I won't be psych patient anymore!
>
> MaximeHi Maxime,
I wonder how those docs you deal with can sleep at night, just giving up like that. As long as you inhale, there is some hope left. No doctor or anyone else can tell you there is nothing left. Before catching the bus, try out anything...even if it seems stupid...like wierd alternative treatments...anything, what the heck, you have nothing to lose. As long as you are not in complete agony, you should continue to search for happiness. Your search will not be in vain, many here have read about your struggles and will learn from them. I support whatever decision you make. I know you are a very intelligent and caring person who has suffered way too much. No one can tell you how you should live, but I do hope you will stay with us...because we are selfish and care about you being around.
Shy_Girl
Posted by Maxime on April 13, 2005, at 0:16:44
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good!, posted by Shy_Girl on April 12, 2005, at 23:32:41
((( Shy-Girl ))) You are very sweet. But I really am happy! Some people don't recover from depression or ever respond to meds. I'm just one of those people. I mean I don't even care what might be coming out in 5 or 10 years from now because my body doesn't respond "normally" to meds.
I've spent a lot of money on alternative meds including Empower. I've have responded to two meds - Prozac and Parnate and they both pooped out on me. But it was nice to feel the veil of fog lift even if only for a little while. And I also made other people happy because they saw expression in my face and I was fun and funny and I made people laugh! I'm a people pleaser so that made me even happier. But then the depression came back worse than ever and people became sad or upset. Many friends left me. They said "Maxi, you are taking all these pills you should be well". Others like my mom told me not to take pills. But I told her that I needed them just like a diabetic needs insulin.
So now she is happy because I am not taking as many pills.So now I am free from all that. Not the depression of course or the eating disorder ... but the struggle of trying to please everyone. The stuggle of trying meds that make me sick or psychotic or lactate or break out into hives. I don't have that burden anymore. It's gone now. I don't have to see doctors who don't listen to me. I just have to check in with them, so they feel like they are doing their duty by at least seeing me. They can be free of guilt. I'm no longer a burden.
Peace,
Maxime
Posted by Phillipa on April 13, 2005, at 0:26:02
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Shy_Girl, posted by Maxime on April 13, 2005, at 0:16:44
I liked what you said about having to "check in wih them". That says to me that you have not given up and as we all know there is always hope. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on April 13, 2005, at 0:32:10
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Shy_Girl, posted by Maxime on April 13, 2005, at 0:16:44
Hey Maxime, I just had a thought. How about coming down here and you can do Melaleuca with me? We'll have fun! Fondly,Phillipa
Posted by Shy_Girl on April 13, 2005, at 1:01:30
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Shy_Girl, posted by Maxime on April 13, 2005, at 0:16:44
> ((( Shy-Girl ))) You are very sweet. But I really am happy! Some people don't recover from depression or ever respond to meds. I'm just one of those people.
I'm really glad you're happy. It really doesn't matter why, just enjoy it I say. :-)
> And I also made other people happy because they saw expression in my face and I was fun and funny and I made people laugh! I'm a people pleaser so that made me even happier.
(Smile) I think beneath it all, I'm a people pleaser too. I've just learned to avoid people because I've learned my unease makes others uncomfortable. It's great to have happy people around when one is happy.
>But then the depression came back worse than ever and people became sad or upset. Many friends left me. They said "Maxi, you are taking all these pills you should be well".
All those "shoulds," it must be hard for people to understand how such a seemingly unlikely thing as treatment resistant depression can occur. Anything is possible with biology, nothing is for sure....don't know why, this made me think of HeLa cell lines, a type of immortalized cervical carcinoma cell, taken from a woman name Henrietta Lacks...who died in 1951, but forever lives in some way...serving science, to this day.
>So now I am free from all that. Not the depression of course or the eating disorder ... but the struggle of trying to please everyone. The stuggle of trying meds that make me sick or psychotic or lactate or break out into hives. I don't have that burden anymore. It's gone now. I don't have to see doctors who don't listen to me. I just have to check in with them, so they feel like they are doing their duty by at least seeing me. They can be free of guilt. I'm no longer a burden.
Just do whatever feels right. I'm glad you are at peace. Who knows, maybe your body will adjust for the better without all the psych meds.
All the best
Shy_Girl
Posted by Maxime on April 13, 2005, at 1:08:43
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Maxime, posted by Phillipa on April 13, 2005, at 0:26:02
> I liked what you said about having to "check in wih them". That says to me that you have not given up and as we all know there is always hope. Fondly, Phillipa
No, it means I need prescription refills for the two meds I will stay on for now -Synthroid and Clonazopam and a third as needed - Dexedrine.
No hope Phillipa. All hope is gone but it's okay because it went up with all the other balloons ... which by now have burst.
Maxime
Posted by MidnightBlue on April 13, 2005, at 15:38:57
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Phillipa, posted by Maxime on April 13, 2005, at 1:08:43
Maxime,
Maybe it is just me (and I've been sick the last couple of days so maybe I'm not reading this right), but I don't feel good about this thread. I'm worried both about you and for you.
I wish I knew the right thing to say or how to help. I remember one pdoc I had--whenever I talked quietly and in a monotone--and was SEVERELY depressed--instead of complaining about what was going on in my life--he said oh you are better! The guy didn't have a clue!
Don't stop fighting Maxime. Could you possibly move? New city, new life, new doctors?
Just trying--(hugs)
MidnightBlue
Posted by ed_uk on April 13, 2005, at 15:56:29
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Maxime, posted by MidnightBlue on April 13, 2005, at 15:38:57
Dear Midnight,
Have you decided what you're going to take instead of Bextra? I thought you might consider meloxicam or etodolac. Larry suggested tumeric- which I don't know anything about!
Dear Maxime,
I was also worried when I read this thread. You sound so certain that there is no hope. I strongly believe that there is hope. RE the medication, perhaps your pdoc would be willing to import something.
Love Ed xxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by MidnightBlue on April 13, 2005, at 16:20:09
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » MidnightBlue, posted by ed_uk on April 13, 2005, at 15:56:29
I have a REAL honest to goodness doctor's appointment with my Internist in two weeks. First time in 18 months--I now have INSURANCE! I "suddenly" had to stop taking Bextra and everything else two days ago when I got a bad intestinal bug. I think it was the salad. I'm better, but barely! LOL Not sure if I will go back on it or try to wait it out. Thanks for asking. I will ask about those RXs you talked about.
Posted by Maxime on April 13, 2005, at 19:37:23
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Maxime, posted by MidnightBlue on April 13, 2005, at 15:38:57
Hi MB- I hope you are feeling better now.
I have no money to move. I have not job. I am living with my elderly mom right now. I have NOTHING. In fact I am in debt. I can't dig myself out of this hole and no one is going to do it for me (and why should they?). I'm 36 and I have nothing. I have a Masters degree and a lot of work experience but that doesn't count for anything.
The truth is about 20 percent of people with bipolar illness kill themselves by the time they are 40. The same for people with eating disorders. I'm not saying I am going to kill myself next week or anything. Besides, I have a fear of ending up in a worse situation than I am now. I was brought back to life after a suicide attempt in 2003 and I can sincerely say I wish I hadn't. There has not been one day since March 13th 2003 that I thought "I am glad they brought me back to life". And I do NOT believe that things happen for a reason.
I am trapped. So rather than fighting the restraints I am accepting them. But eventually I will give up completly.
You are a caring person MB. I wish I could meet you in real life. :-)
Maxi
> Maxime,
>
> Maybe it is just me (and I've been sick the last couple of days so maybe I'm not reading this right), but I don't feel good about this thread. I'm worried both about you and for you.
>
> I wish I knew the right thing to say or how to help. I remember one pdoc I had--whenever I talked quietly and in a monotone--and was SEVERELY depressed--instead of complaining about what was going on in my life--he said oh you are better! The guy didn't have a clue!
>
> Don't stop fighting Maxime. Could you possibly move? New city, new life, new doctors?
>
> Just trying--(hugs)
> MidnightBlue
Posted by Maxime on April 13, 2005, at 20:40:50
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » MidnightBlue, posted by ed_uk on April 13, 2005, at 15:56:29
Hi Ed. My doctor didn't offer to call the psychopharmacologist and get on his case. I mean he faxed the referal and then told me to call and make the appointment. Well I never get a live person. I just get an answering machine.
No med is ever going to help. And if it does it will just poop out anyway. And I am pooped out from all of this. And I just wish I would die in my sleep. Hee-hee ... then I would be a Maxi with wings! (sorry feminine hygiene humour). Probably
only funny to me because I am a nut case.xxxxx
Maxi> Dear Midnight,
>
> Have you decided what you're going to take instead of Bextra? I thought you might consider meloxicam or etodolac. Larry suggested tumeric- which I don't know anything about!
>
> Dear Maxime,
>
> I was also worried when I read this thread. You sound so certain that there is no hope. I strongly believe that there is hope. RE the medication, perhaps your pdoc would be willing to import something.
>
> Love Ed xxxxxxxxxxx
>
>
Posted by MidnightBlue on April 13, 2005, at 20:50:45
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » MidnightBlue, posted by Maxime on April 13, 2005, at 19:37:23
Ah Maxime,
I DO understand. But first I must point out one thing, you seem to be forgetting-- 80% of the people who are bipolar DO live past their 40th birthday! And if everyone on this board has their way you are going to be one of them! You can't be in the "top percent" on everything! We simply won't let you!
I was very close to having to go live with MY mom and honestly, that would have been a nightmare. We literally had no where to go. Fortunately, a church helped us with housing for a few months. For the first time in several years things are starting to look up. I'm still holding my breath. We are a LONG way from being "okay."
I don't have a master's degree--just a bachelor's. And my work experience is spotty. I tried to raise two kids and they were both huge challenges. I also have some physical disabilities that aren't noticeable. People just think I'm lazy.
Things DO happen for a reason. We may not like or understand that reason, but there is a reason. Maybe your mom needs you more right now than you need her? I can tell from your posts you miss your Dad. My prayers are with you. There IS an answer, it just might not come as quickly as you or I would like it.
Hugs
MidnightBlue
Posted by Maximus on April 13, 2005, at 21:47:31
In reply to No more meds and I feel good!, posted by Maxime on April 12, 2005, at 15:58:02
Maxi, my dear virtual friend,
I'm almost speechless... I have been there you know... And i feel your pain, your emptiness, your anger and your profound despair.
Je ne peux pas croire que tu désires abandonner. Sans te connaître personnellement, je sais que tu es une perle. Tu es très intelligente doublé d'un sens de l'humour exceptionnel.
You need good care, love and a personal medication adapted to you.
For those needs, it exists one solution and it's called: hospitalization. I know you're clever enough to find your way in. One simple trick, bypass your pdoc and go directly to ER. Tell them whatever they need to hear...
Sinon attention à tes fesses ;-) Car je vais t'amener dans la vieille capitale et te faire soigner par mon psychiâtre. Nous avons des ressources ici ;-)
Be well!
Eric
Posted by Maxime on April 13, 2005, at 22:09:27
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Maxime, posted by Maximus on April 13, 2005, at 21:47:31
Vous êtes un ange! Une perle? Non. :-(
You wouldn't really drag me by my *ss, would you? Although if you did, I would at least lose the fat on it!
Bisous!
Maxime> Maxi, my dear virtual friend,
>
> I'm almost speechless... I have been there you know... And i feel your pain, your emptiness, your anger and your profound despair.
>
> Je ne peux pas croire que tu désires abandonner. Sans te connaître personnellement, je sais que tu es une perle. Tu es très intelligente doublé d'un sens de l'humour exceptionnel.
>
> You need good care, love and a personal medication adapted to you.
>
> For those needs, it exists one solution and it's called: hospitalization. I know you're clever enough to find your way in. One simple trick, bypass your pdoc and go directly to ER. Tell them whatever they need to hear...
>
> Sinon attention à tes fesses ;-) Car je vais t'amener dans la vieille capitale et te faire soigner par mon psychiâtre. Nous avons des ressources ici ;-)
>
> Be well!
>
> Eric
Posted by Maxime on April 14, 2005, at 12:03:16
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Maxime, posted by MidnightBlue on April 13, 2005, at 20:50:45
> You can't be in the "top percent" on everything! >We simply won't let you!
I found the above to be funny!
I miss my dad more than anything. I still cry everynight and it has been five years since he died. Actually it will be the 5th anniversary in June. But he really died in 1996 when he had massive stroke after heart surgery. He had to be place in a permanent care facility becase the damage was so bad that he was paralysed on one side of his body, couldn't talk, although he understood everything. He was a prisoner in his own body.
Maxime
Posted by MidnightBlue on April 14, 2005, at 15:22:16
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » MidnightBlue, posted by Maxime on April 14, 2005, at 12:03:16
Maxime,
I'm GLAD you found that funny. It was meant to be, but I'm serious, too. Dad's are special. I still have mine, but he has Alzheimer's. I don't think that is spelled right and I even tried to use spell check! Augh my brain! How are you doing on less meds? Still "leaking"?
Take care!
Hugs,
MightnightBlue
Posted by banga on April 14, 2005, at 17:08:32
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » MidnightBlue, posted by Maxime on April 14, 2005, at 12:03:16
> > I miss my dad more than anything. I still cry everynight and it has been five years since he died. Actually it will be the 5th anniversary in June. But he really died in 1996 when he had massive stroke after heart surgery. He had to be place in a permanent care facility becase the damage was so bad that he was paralysed on one side of his body, couldn't talk, although he understood everything. He was a prisoner in his own body.
>
> Maxime
>Hi Maxime,
My depressions and life started to go out of control when I was caring for my mother who was slowly consumed by ovarian cancer. It hits you in a way that is hard to even explain...for me, I think one could say that I am still in shock and denial that she is gone. And this was 11 years ago.....I dont see myself making much of a move towards "healthy acceptance" (whatever that means) anytime in this lifetime...
Posted by Maxime on April 14, 2005, at 20:42:29
In reply to Re: No more meds and I feel good! » Maxime, posted by MidnightBlue on April 14, 2005, at 15:22:16
No, I'm not lactating anymore. But still a little sore.
I can't really talk about how I am feeling right now.
Maxi
> Maxime,
>
> I'm GLAD you found that funny. It was meant to be, but I'm serious, too. Dad's are special. I still have mine, but he has Alzheimer's. I don't think that is spelled right and I even tried to use spell check! Augh my brain! How are you doing on less meds? Still "leaking"?
>
> Take care!
>
> Hugs,
> MightnightBlue
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