![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 17 to 41 of 66. Go back in thread:
Posted by Maxime on February 22, 2004, at 13:49:41
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 9. Long and rambling, posted by Ilene on February 21, 2004, at 8:41:46
Irene, I just wanted to give you a hug (((( Irene))). Things are going to get better. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but they will. I think it's great that you are going out and trying to do things even when you feel like crap.
Hang in there. ((( Irene)))) - one more hug for the road.
Maxime
Posted by Ilene on February 22, 2004, at 19:44:28
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 9. Long and rambling, posted by gardenergirl on February 22, 2004, at 8:53:19
> Thanks for posting the summary of all the dietary restrictions. Did you gather all that from the archives? Some seemed familiar. If so, that's a lot of work, but very valuable for MAOI newbies. For me, I am enjoying red wine again (no more than 2 glasses as I am a light weight). I never found a white wine that was a blissful as my favorite reds. Also, my first piece of pizza on Nardil was heaven. Thank god for provolone. I am addicted to pizza, and its so convenient when I get home from school late.
> Only difficulty I have in dealing with the diet is when I go out to eat. Then there are so many questions to ask and you have to rely on the honesty and knowlege of the person answering. If I don't have a good feeling, I go for a simple sandwich or hamburger. The fewer the ingredients, the better.
>
I'm glad you got some worth from the diet info. Most of it came from the book I mentioned. The rest came from PubMed and a couple of internet articles. Some of this stuff has also been posted on Babble, which is why it's familiar.You should be able to eat a salad in a restaurant . Just pick out the cheese. Indian food should be okay, too, even the cheese, because it's fresh. I *love* Indian food. I love Chinese and Japanese food, too, but that's going to be off-limits for a while.
I can't say I've gotten used to American cheese but I've been eating a lot of it. It's bland and gooey, which sometimes I need when my stomach is upset. Most of the frozen things that I use when I don't want to cook are stir-fries that contain soy sauce, but the packets are small, so maybe I'll try a mini-serving.
Posted by Ilene on February 22, 2004, at 19:46:47
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 9. Long and rambling, posted by Maxime on February 22, 2004, at 13:49:41
> Irene, I just wanted to give you a hug (((( Irene))). Things are going to get better. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but they will. I think it's great that you are going out and trying to do things even when you feel like crap.
>
> Hang in there. ((( Irene)))) - one more hug for the road.
>
> MaximeThat was so sweet. I started crying.
Posted by Ilene on February 22, 2004, at 20:14:17
In reply to Marplan Diary, posted by Ilene on February 19, 2004, at 8:52:49
Yesterday was my first day at 30 mg: 10 in the morning, 20 at night.
I got very anxious yesterday. The Klonopin didn't help much. One of my goals is to leave the house each day. I took a short walk to drop off my son's soccer sign-up sheet. I didn't enjoy it.
I took my 2 Marplan and went to bed a little early. I didn't sleep very well and dreamed more than usual. So much for suppression of REM sleep. I got all worried about it, of course.
Today I took 20 mg. Marplan in the morning because I didn't like what happened last night. I didn't take any K in the morning, took my son to Sunday School and did my usual shopping. Had a nice little chat about the Mel Gibson "Passion" movie with my favorite Sunday School dad. Anxiety struck anyway. I took my K when I got home.
Called friend with whom I had a shopping date. She was asleep because she had partied until the wee hours. I told her BF that was okay, I thought we could defer our date for a weekday because the subway is being single-tracked and there are long delays on the weekend. She just got laid off, so I think she'll have some free time.
IMed my husband. He was nice today. It felt good to chat with him; helped me calm down. Tried to restring a necklace but lost some of the beads when I was all but done. That just made the anxiety worse, even though I wasn't pissed at myself for dropping the beads. Strange.
Took some more K. at dinner time, discovered one of the cats had taken a dump on my bed. I've been having litter-box problems with her. She's too scared of the other cat to go downstairs. Lucky she didn't pee.
I feel better now. I'm not as tired as usual, maybe because I haven't taken my Risperdal yet.
I don't get much done around the house when I'm anxious. I can't even read too much, because I compare myself with everyone I read about, or the things are too sad. I made the mistake of reading a magazine story about a poet who stabbed herself and her 2-yr-old son to death. Once I read the blurb it didn't matter whether I read it or not. Life seems so sad to me all the the time. People get old and sick and die. Suffering is just so overpowering. It didn't used to be this way.
Posted by oskarsmom on February 22, 2004, at 20:52:59
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 10, posted by Ilene on February 22, 2004, at 20:14:17
Hi Ilene,
Thanks so much for posting your experiences. I just don't have the energy. Endless depression, but suprisingly anxiety has been a bit better. I'm up to 30 mgs now for the past few days. Will talk with the doc on Tuesday. I assume we'll increase the dose at that time. Side effects seem to have subsided for now. Wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. Keep on posting.
oskarsmom
Posted by cubbybear on February 23, 2004, at 3:23:36
In reply to Re: MAOI food and drug interactions » Ilene » cubbybear, posted by Ilene on February 22, 2004, at 7:34:43
>
> Cubbybear, I thought you were female and lived in Thailand!
>
> I grew up in L.A. but I live on the East Coast now. I'm moving to S.F. this summer. Is that close enough for you?
>
> Ms. MarplanI was joking, and e-mail makes it sound serious! Actually, you're half right. I do live in Thailand but am a member of the male species. I have to go back to the U.S. every year to pick up a year's supply of Parnate and visit my family.
Posted by Ilene on February 23, 2004, at 21:14:26
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 10, posted by Ilene on February 22, 2004, at 20:14:17
Third day at 30 mg. Today was better. I'm not going to get my hopes up because I remember feeling all "cured" last Wednesday, but things were manageable today and I hope it continues.
I put off taking my morning Klonopin until about 11 AM because I wanted to go to a yoga class at noon. I don't really like this teacher. She can be snappish. She was nice, though, and I could've done w/out the Klonopin.
Puttered around looking for some papers I had misplaced. Managed to do some filing as a result. Took my son to get his hair cut. Both of us got haircuts. Now it's time for hot chocolate and beddiebye.
I.
Posted by Ilene on February 24, 2004, at 21:07:10
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 11, posted by Ilene on February 23, 2004, at 21:14:26
Fourth day at 30 mg. Ugh. Not such a good day. Depressed and anxious. Everything was a chore.
Finally succumbed and put a litter box in the powder room, where it can stink everything up. Maybe now I can take the oilcloth off the couch. Interior decoration is not a priority here.
Went to yoga again. Almost didn't take my Klonopin, but did right before I left. It was a good idea. Took more in the afternoon.
Got a couple of letters out to the schools to which my son is applying and got a few groceries. Watched Nova with my son. Wondering at what age a child will not be excessively traumatized by a parent's suicide. Guilt is my reason for living.
Posted by cubbybear on February 25, 2004, at 3:23:59
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 12, posted by Ilene on February 24, 2004, at 21:07:10
> Wondering at what age a child will not be excessively traumatized by a parent's suicide.
None. An adult will be traumatized by the suicide of anyone whom he/she knows, no matter what the relationship Multply the trauma a thousandfold if a child of any age has to deal with it, and a millionfold if it involved a parent. If your suicidal ideation is frequent or touches upon a plan, you MUST talk to your dr.!
Posted by Ilene on February 25, 2004, at 8:09:34
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 12 » Ilene, posted by cubbybear on February 25, 2004, at 3:23:59
> > Wondering at what age a child will not be excessively traumatized by a parent's suicide.
>
> None. An adult will be traumatized by the suicide of anyone whom he/she knows, no matter what the relationship Multply the trauma a thousandfold if a child of any age has to deal with it, and a millionfold if it involved a parent. If your suicidal ideation is frequent or touches upon a plan, you MUST talk to your dr.!
>
>
My suicidal ideation is fairly constant. I tell my pdoc when she asks. She wants to be sure I'm going to be "safe" but she hasn't been able to cure the awful pain of depression. I assume I would be hospitalized if I didn't answer her questions to her satisfaction. I've never been in a psych ward and I don't want to be.
Posted by Ilene on February 25, 2004, at 8:52:40
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 10 » Ilene, posted by oskarsmom on February 22, 2004, at 20:52:59
> Hi Ilene,
>
> Thanks so much for posting your experiences. I just don't have the energy. Endless depression, but suprisingly anxiety has been a bit better. I'm up to 30 mgs now for the past few days. Will talk with the doc on Tuesday. I assume we'll increase the dose at that time. Side effects seem to have subsided for now. Wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. Keep on posting.
>
> oskarsmomWhat's going on with you? Still on 30 mg. or going up? How are you feeling?
I.
Posted by Ilene on February 25, 2004, at 18:37:50
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 12, posted by Ilene on February 24, 2004, at 21:07:10
Today was dismal. Saw my pdoc/therapist. I go up to 40 mg. Marplan today and stay there for a week. So far I've had no side effects.
I was so weepy and miserable she went through her "was I going to be safe" routine and even offered to see me a second time this week. I'm not sure what that would do. Usually I get a lift from our sessions but there's nothing she can do for me. I asked her what I can do that I'm not doing. She suggested thought-stopping. She said it might help if I did it over time. ECT came up again.
I didn't take any Klonopin this morning but I did in the afternoon. It didn't do too much.
It's after 7:30. I can watch TV soon and maybe read a little, then go to bed and hope tomorrow will be better.
Posted by cubbybear on February 25, 2004, at 23:56:24
In reply to My suicidal ideation » cubbybear, posted by Ilene on February 25, 2004, at 8:09:34
> >
> >
> My suicidal ideation is fairly constant. I tell my pdoc when she asks. She wants to be sure I'm going to be "safe" but she hasn't been able to cure the awful pain of depression. I assume I would be hospitalized if I didn't answer her questions to her satisfaction. I've never been in a psych ward and I don't want to be.First thing is that you shouldn't think that any doctor can "cure" your depression. They just help you with insights, analysis, coping, suggesting, meds, etc. I've read that chronic depression is not and can not be permanent cured, as you would can cure a cold or finger infection. Depression is an illness, but the best we can do is ascertain the appropriate meds for each person, so the illness will go into remission, hopefully for the long term.
From what I read in your posts, you are very much functional--badly depressed but still functional--so you should remain at home where you have important diversions, such as taking care of your son. Besides, my pdoc has emphasized that being surrounded by sick people in a hospital is depressing in itself and can actually delay the road to recovery.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 26, 2004, at 6:37:37
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 13, posted by Ilene on February 25, 2004, at 18:37:50
((((Ilene))))
Hang in there, sweetie. I'm glad your pdoc cares. I bet the safety questions get to be old, but again, at least she takes you seriously.
Glad you have no SE's and hope the 40mg does some good.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Ilene on February 26, 2004, at 9:29:05
In reply to Re: My suicidal ideation » Ilene, posted by cubbybear on February 25, 2004, at 23:56:24
> First thing is that you shouldn't think that any doctor can "cure" your depression. They just help you with insights, analysis, coping, suggesting, meds, etc. I've read that chronic depression is not and can not be permanent cured, as you would can cure a cold or finger infection. Depression is an illness, but the best we can do is ascertain the appropriate meds for each person, so the illness will go into remission, hopefully for the long term.
> From what I read in your posts, you are very much functional--badly depressed but still functional--so you should remain at home where you have important diversions, such as taking care of your son. Besides, my pdoc has emphasized that being surrounded by sick people in a hospital is depressing in itself and can actually delay the road to recovery.
>You're right, depression can't be cured. That frightens me very much. I can't do much for myself until I get the leg up from meds, and they haven't been working. I'm too sick to work and I have no social life. If I felt better I would volunteer or take a class in order to meet people. My pdoc and I think I need 3 or 4 weeks of improved mood in order to commit to something like that.
I go to yoga once or twice a week--there's a studio about 2 blocks from here. I try to get out of the house, even just to go to the post office, every day.
Considering the amount of time I have on my hands, I'm less functional than you think. I don't do too much with my son because much of the time I can't maintain a conversation. I manage to get food on the table most nights and do the laundry before we run out of socks or underwear. Sometimes that's all.
My pdoc/therapist called this morning. She's very concerned about me. She might want to contact my husband. She wants to see me tomorrow. I'm grateful for her concern, but I'm still suffering.
Posted by Ilene on February 26, 2004, at 19:01:36
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 13, posted by Ilene on February 25, 2004, at 18:37:50
Third day at 40 mg. Still no effects nor side effects. Nada. Zilch. Naught. I am still very depressed, but right now I feel a little better than I did this morning or yesterday.
I thought I had screwed myself by waiting until the last minute to get more Marplan, because I figure the local drugstore doesn't have much call for it, so they would be out. My pdoc called because she wanted to see how I was doing, and called the pharmacy and got me to make an appt to see her tomorrow. The pharm. gave me a few pills to tide me over while they reorder. Disaster averted, out another $130 tomorrow.
The big news for today is that I saw my new chronic fatigue syndrome doc. I posted about it because he said some interesting things about ADs:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040223/msgs/317995.htmlI just googled him and found out that he is Laura Hillenbrand's physician ("Seabiscuit").
He certainly has a lot of interesting things to say. For one thing, he thinks depression and anxiety are both symptoms of cfs. (Not exclusively, obviously.) He explains many of my physical oddities as related to each other. My bad feet and bad veins are due to a mild hyperflexibility in my joints and connective tissue, which is linked to my dysautonomia, which is linked to my cfs. The chronic stiffness in my neck and shoulders is a muscular reaction to having loose ligaments. I need to be careful with yoga poses. This is strange, because I never thought of myself as being loose-jointed.
I'm still a little disturbed over his comment about "antidepressants not working". I know that's not what he meant, but that's what I heard. I just can't get over that rush of despair.
Coming home on the subway I read that the med I'm on for cfs can cause depression. . . What to do?
My son didn't take his key, so he wasn't home when I got back. Not surprising, since I spent nearly 2 hours with this doc. (Amazing!) I couldn't get my key in the front door, either, which was pretty suspicious. My son guiltily confessed to pushing a twig into the lock. Frustrating, because I can't use the deadbolt--but there's another lock on the door keyed the same--and I feel sorry for the poor guy because he can't remember anything. BTW, the new doc thinks ADD, which my son has, is a dysautonomia, too.
I talked w/ the mom down the street where my son took refuge. We plan to do something this weekend. She's not as big a flake as my son's other friend's mom, the one I was supposed to do something with on Sunday. Maybe this will actually happen. She's a nice person, even if we don't have many interests in common.
I'm too tired to cook the zucchini to go with our leftover chicken.
I hope my husband calls me. Maybe I'll call my daughter.
Posted by cubbybear on February 26, 2004, at 23:34:06
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 14, posted by Ilene on February 26, 2004, at 19:01:36
dear Ilene,
Having religiously kept a detailed journal of my life for the past 10 years or so (I now have about 45 finished volumes), I really enjoy reading yours. Some of it makes for entertaining reading, although I know you probably wouldn't believe it. You sound quite coherent; you write well, and most important, you are DOING things to keep yourself busy and occupied.
Remember that you're only up to Day 14 of the Marplan and it could take another week or two to fully kick in. That has always been my experience with Parnate.
cubbybear
Posted by cubbybear on February 26, 2004, at 23:55:37
In reply to Re: My suicidal ideation » Ilene » cubbybear, posted by Ilene on February 26, 2004, at 9:29:05
>>
> You're right, depression can't be cured. That frightens me very much.No, this isn't something to get frightened or upset about. There are countless physical as well as mental infirmities which can never be cured. Diabetes can't be cured; one must always take insulin to maintain the proper level of blood sugar. My mother has a thyroid problem in which the gland is chronically hypoactive so she has to take thyroid extract. Try to think in terms of our being human beings in which nobody and nothing is perfect; so sometimes, we have to provide a boost or supplementary chemicals to stay on an even keel.
I can't do much for myself until I get the leg up from meds, and they haven't been working. I'm too sick to work and I have no social life. If I felt better I would volunteer or take a class in order to meet people.
Hopefully, your Marplan will kick in before long and after it does, you'll be amazed at all the activies you'll just naturally want to do. When I was severely depressed, I got to a point in which all I could do was sit on my bed and stare into space, practically catatonic. Within a month or two after starting the Parnate, I was actually back at work and running around doing everything I normally like to do.
>
> I go to yoga once or twice a week--there's a studio about 2 blocks from here. I try to get out of the house, even just to go to the post office, every day.That's wonderful!--more than even I could do back in Jan. and Feb. 2002 when I was badly depressed.
>
> Considering the amount of time I have on my hands, I'm less functional than you think. I don't do too much with my son because much of the time I can't maintain a conversation.On the other hand, I think you're better than you're giving yourself credit for. Some people who are badly depressed can't even START a conversation with people.
I manage to get food on the table most nights and do the laundry before we run out of socks or underwear. Sometimes that's all.
Again, try to give yourself credit for doing these things. Having your son home is a great blessing, since your commitment to his welfare is a much-needed diversion. (I lve alone and being alone and depressed can be deadly.) Be extra thankful you have him now, no matter what he does or challenges he poses
>
> My pdoc/therapist called this morning. She's very concerned about me. She might want to contact my husband. She wants to see me tomorrow. I'm grateful for her concern, but I'm still suffering.Be VERY glad that you've got a concerned doctor. My pdoc here in Thailand--who I was compelled to dump-- seemed like a great guy at the beginning but eventually proved to be incapable of helping me through the emergencies. He was anything but concerned and didn't want me pestering him outside of our scheduled appointments. He'd underplay my depression and blame my personality traits instead. Having an understanding, caring and competent dr. is something you really have to be thankful for.
I hope that all I'm saying is helpful and not hurtful or discouraging.
>
Posted by oskarsmom on February 27, 2004, at 15:30:30
In reply to Oskarsmom, how are you?, posted by Ilene on February 25, 2004, at 8:52:40
Hi Ilene,
I'm still really depressed. Got one of those weird "bumps" last night. Get revved and my mood shoots up. It's very disconcerting as I always wake up feeling like crap again. I'm feeling especially hopeless this morning.
I'm on 35 mgs now, will start 40 on Sunday.
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I think about you every day. Sorry my messages are short and late but I'm having a tough time.
((((Ilene)))))
oskarsmom
Posted by Ilene on February 27, 2004, at 20:49:57
In reply to Re: Oskarsmom, how are you?, posted by oskarsmom on February 27, 2004, at 15:30:30
> Hi Ilene,
>
> I'm still really depressed. Got one of those weird "bumps" last night. Get revved and my mood shoots up. It's very disconcerting as I always wake up feeling like crap again. I'm feeling especially hopeless this morning.
>
I hate it when I have a relatively good day, then wake up and everything's gone to hell. Sometimes just getting up and doing something--anything--helps.Are you taking a mood stabilizer?
> I'm on 35 mgs now, will start 40 on Sunday.
>
> I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I think about you every day. Sorry my messages are short and late but I'm having a tough time.
>
Today has been better, but I'm trying not to read too much into it. I hope things start going better for you. I've been thinking about you, too. I hope you find energy to post.((((oskarsmom))))
Posted by Ilene on February 27, 2004, at 21:48:13
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 14, posted by Ilene on February 26, 2004, at 19:01:36
Correction: today is the 3rd day at 40 mg. . . better check fingers again . . . yes, that's right.
Things went a little better today. My period started last night. Maybe I have pms, I just never noticed it.
Saw the pdoc first thing. Got there late. I wonder if she ever worries about me when I am late. It's only been the last two appts. I just space out and lose track of time.
She said she'd talk to the new internist and seemed pretty intrigued by his ideas. This woman is one of the most open-minded physicians on the planet.
She also said the pharmacist called her because he was worried I was taking Marplan with my previous drugs, which are contraindicated. This must have been the man who asked me the same thing when I was at the drugstore yesterday. I thought it was very nice of him. Surprising that the local CVS managed to hire someone who does more than shuffle around. They all speak in a monotone, too. I bet the CVS is actually staffed by Stepford employees. If I ever see that pharmacist again he'll be expressionless, shuffling, and mumbling.
Managed to do a few things around the house. Called a pdoc that the internist and my current pdoc both think would be a good referral for a psychopharm consult, but he wants to talk w/ the referring physician or therapist first, so left a message for my pdoc to call him. Walked up to the drugstore and the bakery. It was a bit much for my flat feet.
My date for tomorrow rescheduled for Tuesday. Fine with me. Never heard from my friend I was supposed to go shopping with on Sunday. I hate that, but she's been depressed too, so I'm trying not to get all resentful.
My pdoc called me back to say she left a message w/ the psychopharm doc and talked to the internist. She thought he had interesting explanations for my condition. He thinks the reason why most ADs don't work w/ CFS pts is because we don't make enough neurotransmitters to begin with, so there just isn't enough to play with even if re-uptake is blocked. (Current thinking is that SSRIs actually work by restructuring parts of the brain, not by blocking re-uptake of serotonin, though.)
She said something about eating licorice. I'm going to have to look into that.
Yawn. Must contemplate electrolyte/water balance.
Posted by oskarsmom on February 28, 2004, at 13:24:44
In reply to Re: Oskarsmom, how are you? » oskarsmom, posted by Ilene on February 27, 2004, at 20:49:57
Hi Ilene,
Well, I seem to be getting these "lifts" more often. Had one yesterday. Felt almost normal again. I was talking with a friend yesterday night, everything was fine. Now I wake up today feeling like #&%@ again. Totally freaked out. Feeling totally overwhelmed about my life. Everything was great last night! I hate this so much. I get a little taste of it and poof it's gone. My doctor blames it on the bipolar. As for mood stabilizers, I'm on lots of lithium, some lamictal, lots of neurontin, and a little Trileptal. Also Risperdal, if that counts. I also take lorazepam and thyroid hormones.
Are you bipolar? How are you dealing with the diet? When I'm home it's OK but eating out always makes me nervous. And I'm also a diabetic which complicates things a bit. I eat on a strict schedule so I need to have the right foods available when I need them. Not a problem so far.
Still thinking of you. Hoping so much that Marplan will help us.
oskarsmom
Posted by Ilene on February 28, 2004, at 20:16:31
In reply to oscarsmom here » Ilene, posted by oskarsmom on February 28, 2004, at 13:24:44
> Hi Ilene,
>
> Well, I seem to be getting these "lifts" more often. Had one yesterday. Felt almost normal again. I was talking with a friend yesterday night, everything was fine. Now I wake up today feeling like #&%@ again. Totally freaked out. Feeling totally overwhelmed about my life. Everything was great last night! I hate this so much. I get a little taste of it and poof it's gone. My doctor blames it on the bipolar. As for mood stabilizers, I'm on lots of lithium, some lamictal, lots of neurontin, and a little Trileptal. Also Risperdal, if that counts. I also take lorazepam and thyroid hormones.
>I hope the lifts come more often and last longer.
I don't know if Risperdal acts as a mood stabilizer, but it "counts". I found that out when I stopped taking it. Neurontin is supposed to have no mood stabilizing effect, but it sure helps me sleep, and some people find it helps anxiety.
> Are you bipolar? How are you dealing with the diet? When I'm home it's OK but eating out always makes me nervous. And I'm also a diabetic which complicates things a bit. I eat on a strict schedule so I need to have the right foods available when I need them. Not a problem so far.
>I don't know if I'm bipolar. Neither does my pdoc. I've never had any obvious manic or hypomanic episodes, but my personal and family history points to a bipolar spectrum disorder. I tried Lamictal and it didn't do anything, but ADs haven't been doing anything, either. We might try augmenting the Marplan with lithium.
So far I haven't had any dietary problems. American cheese melts nicely in the microwave, but it's not the same as a piece of real cheddar with an apple or pear. I'm waiting for the Bragg Liquid Amino people to send me a free sample. Someone who had a problem with soy sauce posted with their URL. It's supposed to be a substitute for soy sauce.
I don't eat out very often, so it hasn't been a problem yet. Most of the restaurants around here aren't very appealing.
I'm glad you posted. I hope you can get up to 40 mg. soon. That seems to be the magic number. Hang in there.
I.
Posted by Ilene on February 28, 2004, at 20:25:40
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 15, posted by Ilene on February 27, 2004, at 21:48:13
Fourth day at 40 mg.
This was a fairly good day. I didn't go anywhere, but I got the kitchen reasonably clean. I did some other things, too--I know I did, because my feet hurt--but I can't remember what they were,
My magazine subscriptions have run out. I can't concentrate very well on books, but I'm beginning to miss having magazines around. I think I'll subscribe to some.
Posted by Ilene on February 29, 2004, at 19:18:33
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 16, posted by Ilene on February 28, 2004, at 20:25:40
Fifth day at 40 mg.
Today was not so good. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm probably not going to see any results for another ten days. I didn't take any Klonopin today. Not quite as anxious. Maybe that's a good sign. On the other hand, suicide is creeping back into my thoughts. If you felt like me, you wouldn't want to live either.
I overslept and got my son to Sunday School almost half an hour late. I haven't noticed any supression of REM sleep (i.e. dreaming). I dream more than I did on desipramine, which was ineffective.
I ran my usual Sunday errands, plus bought some bird seed to fill the now-depleted feeders. The little buggers are expensive to feed! I spent more on bird food than I do on cat food. But then I have only 2 cats.
I think I might be having a mild CFS flare-up. I had a headache & sore throat yesterday, and a headache or muscle aches today. I'm pretty tired, too, but not my usual I-can't-concentrate-at-all and can't-get-out-of-bed condition when the CFS acts up.
Got the credit card out and subscribed to all my old magazines, plus Scientific American. (I admit it, I'm a nerd.) It'll take about two months before they arrive.
I forgot to subscribe to a new mag I found called "Seed", which is supposed to be about science and culture. Sounds interesting, and the cheap 'zine site had it for only $5.00.
Here's a reason why it's often hard for me to read. The local paper runs a short Sunday feature called "Life is Short/Autobiography as Haiku" This is one of today's:
"My hair is blown dry, my makeup done. One last look into the hall mirror. I adjust the collar of the new red jacket, feel good about myself, open the door and walk into . . . invisibility. This state of non-being is no longer recent. As in times past, I continue to look at passersby, nod and smile. The strangers do not respond. They look through me. It took a while to understand that I have attained a new status. And, though it is not my fault, I did not cause it. I became a woman of a certain age."
One of my issues is feeling like I've gotten older without having lived a regular life. I feel less and less attractive.
I'm very frustrated because I don't have the energy to keep after my son. For a while he was doing better at keeping his room picked up. Significant backsliding.
Forgot to pick up my Risperdal at the pharmacy. Lucky I still have some.
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