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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 271 to 295 of 458. Go back in thread:
Posted by poop'd-out on November 20, 2003, at 3:05:57
In reply to Re: Not doing too well :-( Longer than I meant! » poop'd-out, posted by katia on November 18, 2003, at 17:36:20
OH my God!! I just wrote you a long response and then my computer decided it had performed an illegal operation, and lost it all!! I will try again.
> Hi Beth!
> ** how long did it take you to get there? I had glimpses of that in my five weeks of sobriety (like I knew that I didn't have the option of "using"), but something just clicked and my mind opened again to the fact that I COULD DRINK and ease this pain.
>
I would say about 2-3 years, but it took about 9 months for the compulsion to leave me entirely. It was awful. Like you said, it just wasn't an option anymore. Using was just as bad so this way I had a slight chance that things might get better, and eventually they did!!
> **Boy, how familiar is that one? The sad thing is for me, I drank and hid away and didn't even realize that I was hiding from life. The excuse, in retrospect, was, "I just need some down time, I"m going thru' something, a lot of dark stuff is coming up in me (as tho'I was "healing and processing" something) when in reality, it was DEPRESSION!!! Duh! It didn't occur to me to get help or acknowledge, or rather didn't dawn on me that i was suffering from depression/bipolar. I just thought it was circumstantial and I"ll be better soon or that this was just the way life was. It's so good to be aware of that masking and hiding away. it shifts everything. I just wish my brother would wake up to it. At least someone in my family (me) has woken up.
I always knew that I had depression, I have had it since childhood. I actually was self-medicating to control my depression, and for a while it worked. I finally felt like a normal functioning human being, probably for the first time in my life. This was more the pain-killers than the alcohol, although there was plenty of that too. The sad thing is I wasn't using to get high, just to feel normal, it was my little secret, I told no one about the pills. The alcohol they saw!!Then the very thing that I thought had saved my life was slowly killing me. I knew it too. I just thought that if I kept trying and trying that eventually I would recover that feeling that had saved me initially. I am very stubborn, and kept trying to get it back for at least ten years. During this time I suffered from extreme rage, anxiety, paranoia, withdrawals every time I couldn't find more pills. Not fun.
>
> > I did try one briefly, they had a patch out, I think it was desyrel?
>
It is not desyrel, can't remember what that is. The drug is called deprenyl(selegiline) it is used to treat alzheimers patients. There is alot of information on PB if you type in a search.
> **Did it work?I took it quite some time ago. I guess not since I no longer take it. I would definitely do a search and see how others have done on it, we all have very different chemistries.
>What meds are you on now?
Tegretol, Neurontin, Zoloft has been my mainstay cocktail for a few years now. I guess that I have been fearful to change it. It keeps me from completely losing it but am still down quite a bit.
Have just started Lamictal 75mg for about a month now, I am still waiting for the miracle...?>How old are you?
36, but still very much a child.
>What is your dx?
My doc and I have landed on BPII for the time being with my ups more the irritability, rage thing, and mostly depressed. Bummer I want the good mania =)
Mostly because I react so horribly to AD's when taken alone.>How did you stop using substances????
Short answer: I had to.
I wasn't living anymore, all I thought about was where my next pill was coming from, and that was my life. That is what I lived for, if you can call that living.
I think it is good that you are aware of what you are doing, that is a step in the right direction.
But, in the end, only you can decide what's right for you.I have shared some of my experiences, and like they say, take what you need and leave the rest.
You take care Sweetie!
Beth
P.S. I will be happy to discuss this topic any time with you, any questions you have and will look for you on the other board so we don't get in trouble, Kay?
Posted by fluffy on November 20, 2003, at 13:26:02
In reply to Re: The steady pillar of Barb? » fluffy, posted by katia on November 19, 2003, at 17:54:18
Hi Katia--
Nordic Naturals...I'll have to write that down. I think I remember Barb-cat taking the cod liver oil stuff, and I read that it doesn't really have the punch of Omega threes that other supplements have. I'd rather not take something that says "cod liver oil" anyway...blechh!!
I smoke about half a pack a day...two morning cigs, two afternoon ones, and probably 4 evening ones. I have a love-hate relationship with them. Mostly I hate when I have to go to the store to buy them. What a waste. I successfully quit for 6 months recently..not ONE cigarette for 6 months. I was so good, but when the shit hit the fan, I reached for my old pal.
I guess the trileptal and Lamictal are working. I've only had some temporary swings into mild depression since I've been on it. But even the mild bits really suck. Like today, I've been fighting off crying, and last night I cried myself to sleep. You know--feeling lonely, like no one will care about me, or does care about me. I guess I should watch it, b/c this is how the severe depressions set in on me. Subtle, creeping in with crying spells and little appetite. (last night, I could barely fix dinner.) I just wanted to lay around and listen to Joy Division and feel sorry for myself.
I have a hard time understanding when to introduce a new drug, or just tough out a couple of bad days/weeks. Which is more uncomfortable?
Anyway--I hope you are hanging in there. Good to hear from you. Rock on processed meat eaters!
Katy
Posted by katia on November 20, 2003, at 19:20:42
In reply to Re: The steady pillar of Barb?, posted by fluffy on November 20, 2003, at 13:26:02
Hi Katy,
I did my share of smoking and drinking last night...it's this pms in combo with still feeling depressed. I hate it and am sick of it. No inspiration at all - it sucks. And I should be writing now.> I have a hard time understanding when to introduce a new drug, or just tough out a couple of bad days/weeks. Which is more uncomfortable?
*I'd have to say, stick with awhile longer. Sometimes it takes time to set in.
Hope things look better for you.
-katia
Posted by katia on November 23, 2003, at 16:30:19
In reply to Re: The steady pillar of Barb?, posted by fluffy on November 19, 2003, at 15:45:44
Hi Katy,
I was "perusing" the letters over at bipolar world and think I came across one of yours. I didn't realize it until after I'd thought about copying that letter and giving you the link in regards to fish oil.
http://www.mddaboston.org/lect060999.html
BUT, then I realized it was your letter over there!
how funny.
I'm going to give fish oil a try. Come to think of it, when I first started on that diet from the metabolic nutritionist, i read the quantity of fish oil I have to take wrong and was taking 9gs. a day instead of 3. I remember (now in enlightening retrospect) that I felt so much better during that brief time.
I'm going to try and find Barb's recommendation post of fish oil and buy some.
take care,
katia
Posted by fluffy on November 24, 2003, at 8:19:20
In reply to bipolar world » fluffy, posted by katia on November 23, 2003, at 16:30:19
Hi Katia--
Indeed, I did write a letter to Dr. Phelps. I was so glad he replied. Sometimes I wish he was MY doctor. I guess his information seems so practical and he doesn't seem too arrogant to entertain that other un-tested methods can work on BP disorder. In fact, my therapist gave me one of those sunrizer alarm clocks to try out. I don't know if it helps yet. Time will tell. His site (psycheducation.org) is one that i visit over and over for new and old information.
So I'm not sure what's been up with my moods lately. over the past few days, I've had trouble getting out of bed, and falling asleep WAAY too early. BUT I've also had chills and weakness, and I've had a stabbing pain in my side (transient). So it may be kidney probs...I've had a stone before, and it felt like this before I had the excruciating, doubled over pain. I may go to an internal medicine doctor just to get it checked out, at the risk of looking like a hypochondriac. (do you do that? I sometimes think I have illnesses when I'm depressed or anxious, but then it turns out to be nothing. Embarassing.)
So did you take 3g of fish oil and felt better? Or 9g? I didn't quite catch that. How is everything going with you? Besides the past few days, I've been ok. Just a bit down.
take care!
Katy
Posted by ginger C on November 24, 2003, at 10:32:15
In reply to Re: bipolar world, posted by fluffy on November 24, 2003, at 8:19:20
I have been looking at your posts and I am interested in knowing what Bipolar World is. Is it another site and how do I get there?
Posted by katia on November 24, 2003, at 14:53:13
In reply to Re: bipolar world, posted by ginger C on November 24, 2003, at 10:32:15
it's a website with lots of info in regards to bipolar. There is a docotor and a psychologist who answer questions on line.
www.bipolarworld.net
Posted by katia on November 24, 2003, at 15:10:57
In reply to Re: bipolar world, posted by fluffy on November 24, 2003, at 8:19:20
**Hi Katy,
I'd be interested to know if your clock works. When do you normally get up and go to bed? It wouldn't work for me because I get up between 11-12! I'd like to change it, but it's hard working nights.
> So I'm not sure what's been up with my moods lately. over the past few days, I've had trouble getting out of bed, and falling asleep WAAY too early. BUT I've also had chills and weakness, and I've had a stabbing pain in my side (transient). So it may be kidney probs...I've had a stone before, and it felt like this before I had the excruciating, doubled over pain. I may go to an internal medicine doctor just to get it checked out, at the risk of looking like a hypochondriac. (do you do that? I sometimes think I have illnesses when I'm depressed or anxious, but then it turns out to be nothing. Embarassing.)
**Heck yes. Before I realized I was depressed, it was worse. I was sure I had every illness out there. My Dad jokes and says I'm the only person who's survived cancer over a 100 times. As many times that I've called them (my parents) worried about an ailment (my Mom's a nurse). It's a common thing for depressed people to be hypochondriacs. For me, I KNEW something was wrong, I just didn't know WHAT.In regards to Trileptal, does it process through the kidneys? I know Lamictal does. Also, did you know that (I think this is the case with Trileptal - it is with Tegretol) that Lamictal levels drop by half when you introduce Trileptal? With Depakote it was the opposite.
just a thought if your mood worsened since taking it. You may need to up the Lam.
> So did you take 3g of fish oil and felt better? Or 9g? I didn't quite catch that. How is everything going with you? Besides the past few days, I've been ok. Just a bit down.**As of yesterday, I began taking 9g of fish oil. I'd been taking 3g, but not a real effect.
I found Barbara's post re: where to buy the cheapest and best. it's Carlson's "The very best fish oil".Again, my mood has lifted since upping the Lam. to 125mg. I'm just waiting for the predictable inevitable crash that happens five six days later! I hope it finally sticks somewhere! I'm reluctant to try Lithium or Tri. at this point. I don't want to overmedicate if the Lam. will work alone. I'm taking 900mg of neurontin and 6mg of Seroquel for sleep! I have trouble falling asleep so I need all these meds; but then I sleep for 10 hours!
I've been binge drinking like crazy. I've had about three or four big nights since "falling off the wagon", not to mention the other nights of just one glass. I've told myself "go crazy until after Thanksgiving". "then go to AA or LifeRing or something! and get your diet together and blah blah blah" all those things I should be doing. I crashed so hard a little over a week ago when I fell off the wagon; it was inevitable!
take good care,
katia
Posted by katia on November 24, 2003, at 17:52:21
In reply to Re: bipolar world, posted by fluffy on November 24, 2003, at 8:19:20
One quick question katy,
Did you get an email sent to you saying that your question was answered? I've asked like three and haven't seen them and wonder if they email to let me know an answer is waiting. Do you know?
thanks.
katia
Posted by fluffy on November 25, 2003, at 13:56:29
In reply to Re: bipolar world » fluffy, posted by katia on November 24, 2003, at 17:52:21
Hey Katia--
Hmmm. I have wondered about upping the Lamictal a notch. Apparently, Trileptal doesn't break things down like Tegretol in the liver. But it's hard to say since it's being used off label, and there aren't many clinical trials to back up what it does to other drugs. I'll ask the doc next time. It's definitely possible that Lamictal or Trileptal are contrubuting to kidney stones. As for a clear track record, it seems that Topomax is the most guilty culprit to cause them.
I did get word back via e-mail about my question being answered on bipolar world. It took about a month and a half, though. Maybe he is looking for particular questions--ones that haven't been answered lately. Hard to tell. It's a good website, although the graphics are CHEEEESY! They should get one of their creative bipolar people to redesign the damned thing.
The alarm clock is good. It kind of warns you kindly that it's time to get up before it beeps. As far as your schedule goes, I don't know. There's plenty of sun out by the time you wake up. But if it's cloudy (isn't San Fran pretty gray most of the time?) it wouldn't hurt to try. The sunrizer is about $100. I pay that much in prescriptions in a couple of months anyway.
So I don't really care if I'm being alarmist about a kidney stone. At any rate, I felt like poop for a couple of days, whether it was anxious depression or just a virus or a kidney stone knocking at my urethra's door. I'll find out soon. I don't think I'm making up the stabbing pain though. But I have been known to have "phantom" pains. Good to know the hypochondriasis is not just me!
Take care--glad you are having some stability, even if it is transient right now.
hugs,
Katy
Posted by katia on November 25, 2003, at 16:54:35
In reply to Re: bipolar world, posted by fluffy on November 25, 2003, at 13:56:29
Hi Katy,
The thing about that clock is that it acts like a sun rising before the actual sun does rise right? Since the sun is already up (and I have to cover my face to keep sleeping), I don't see how it'd be useful for me. I would love to be on a 10-6 schedule. Maybe one of these days.
warmly,
katia
Posted by blancale on December 3, 2003, at 17:20:44
In reply to Lamictal side effects, posted by seamus o'noolan on June 30, 2003, at 17:37:40
this thread has been very interesting.
first, one question: when you folks say "i'm on 150 mg" or whatever dose, how many times a day is that? it would be helpful if people included that info.
i'm on lamictal for epileptic seizures - not for bipolar or unipolar or anxiety - 200mg once a day when i go to bed (because my full body seizures are only in my sleep). i came upon this thread becuase i've been having some unusual body functions and wanted to know if anyone else did .
i note the reports of itching ... i didn't have itching, but for about 2 weeks i felt like little tiny bugs were crawling all over my body and i was contantly checking my clothes and my bed for any sign of fleas or insects and found nothing. it eventually went away.
now, i have random muscle spasms in weird places - in my abdomen, in my calves that last a long time. i also have been slowly gaining weight - although most of you report no weight gain, i'm wondering if anyone out there has.
i may also have anxiety/panic disorder contributing to my seizures- that has yet to be formally diagnosed - and have looked into arsenic as a homeopathic remedy (recommended by many herbalist sources i've read). anyone ever tried it?
any info on these things would be much appreciated.
for those of you who are bipolar - i'm reading a really good book about it right now called "Detour: My Experience with Bipolar in 4D" (or somethign like that) by Lizzie Simon. Narrative non-ficition and a very good book.
thanks much. be well.
Posted by katia on December 3, 2003, at 17:36:46
In reply to Re: Lamictal side effects + arsenic for anxiety, posted by blancale on December 3, 2003, at 17:20:44
> first, one question: when you folks say "i'm on 150 mg" or whatever dose, how many times a day is that? it would be helpful if people included that info.
**Hi,
I'm on 150mg now. and I take it after lunch because it sometimes gives me a burst of energy.> i note the reports of itching ... i didn't have itching, but for about 2 weeks i felt like little tiny bugs were crawling all over my body and i was contantly checking my clothes and my bed for any sign of fleas or insects and found nothing. it eventually went away.
**I haven't experienced this on Lam. but I have experienced it when not on anything!
> now, i have random muscle spasms in weird places - in my abdomen, in my calves that last a
**Nope on that one either.
> i may also have anxiety/panic disorder contributing to my seizures- that has yet to be formally diagnosed - and have looked into arsenic as a homeopathic remedy (recommended by many herbalist sources i've read). anyone ever tried it?
**ARSENIC!!!????
I haven't heard of this one.> for those of you who are bipolar - i'm reading a really good book about it right now called "Detour: My Experience with Bipolar in 4D" (or somethign like that) by Lizzie Simon. Narrative non-ficition and a very good book.
Thanks for the recommendation.
katia
Posted by blancale on December 3, 2003, at 19:00:59
In reply to Re: Lamictal side effects + arsenic for anxiety » blancale, posted by katia on December 3, 2003, at 17:36:46
thanks. here's the info on arsenic:
"Another main focus for Arsenicum Album usage is in treating fear and anxiety that may be accompanied with chills, restlessness, fatigue and an increase in pulse rate. "
Posted by fluffy on December 4, 2003, at 11:23:48
In reply to Re: Lamictal side effects + arsenic for anxiety, posted by blancale on December 3, 2003, at 19:00:59
Hi Blancale--
Hmm. I'm not sure about this arsenic stuff, as it seems to be rather middle ages...Maybe i'm just being overly squeemish. I'm pale enough as it is. The only thing i know about it is that Victorian women took it to look as pale as ghosts, basically poisoning themselves. It would explain the fainting as well as the tightly drawn corsets. Why not try good old fashioned cognitive therapy. It's been shown as effective as the SSRI's to quell something that's not largely chemical. If it is chemical, then I've heard that Neurontin does a bang up job for anxiety. My aunt swears by it. It's better than the benzo alternative. But Klonopin is also very effective, and is classified as an anti-siezure drug as well.
I also had the itching bugs crawling thing when starting another anti-epileptic...trileptal. When I first started Lamictal, I had a lot of tingling, and some twitching which went away, too. I think it's more common with Topomax, but you know, anything dealing with nerve endings can cause this stuff. As long as it's transient, it probably is no cause for alarm. You body is adjusting to your central nervous system adjusting.
I'd like to field another question, if I may...a bit off the subject. I think my sodium levels are dropping on Trileptal. It can be a side effect, serious if left untreated. I've been nauseous, weak, tired, and I have numbness in my face that comes and goes. This is probably working my kidneys pretty hard, and it would explain the kidney pain as well. I went to get a blood check yesterday. I hope this is easily solved, (maybe a pretzel a day?) as the 600mg of Trileptal (added to the 200mg of Lamictal) seems to have quelled my rapid cycling. But this nausea , weakness thing is just awful.
Blancale--I'm rapid cycling bipolar II, and I take 100mg of Lamictal at night, and 100mg in the day. I've been taking it for 8 months now, so I think it's ok (my doctor says) to just take all 200mg in the morning. I'm just used to the twice a day dosing, so I continue to do it. I think if you have enough in your system, the half life is long enough that it doesn't matter...once or twice a day. Whichever is convenient for you. I've also heard that epileptics can take higher doses of Lamictal depending on effectiveness. The clinical studies for BP depression show that there is little more effectiveness beyond 200mg.
Katia--What's going on with you, my friend? Long time, no post!
Posted by katia on December 4, 2003, at 15:55:45
In reply to Re: Lamictal side effects + arsenic for anxiety, posted by fluffy on December 4, 2003, at 11:23:48
Hi Fluffsters!
Long time no hear! I've been here, but no one has posted anything really. Which has been a nice break - I've gotten a lot of other writing done! But great to hear from you.
I'm getting ready to up my levels to 175mg (once a day of Lam.). I'm taking 10g of fish oil a day and it seems to help some with the depression? It may have been the increase in Lam.? I'm down today and yesterday as it's been a week at 150mg now already - and it fades so quickly for me. Not to mention I've been drinking like a fish - well not quite bad as a fish, but I've had some nights of enough to give me a whooping hangover the next day. I'm having a hard time making another committment to stop. Maybe I shall go to one of those meetings...just feeling defeated, deflated, cynical, unmotivated - yes depression but it's also about self-esteem = depression! I pushed my pdoc appt. back to the 19th to see how I fare on fish oil and Lam. at 200mg (the therapeutic level). And the goal is to not drink anything. It's such a vicious cycle because I get depressed when I eliminate that and do it to get better then feel worse, but a different worse, more a numbing foggy headed just trying to get over the hangover feeling rather than the brute force of awareness. But I guess that says something, I"m not better if I'm depressed while in sobriety. The symptoms of depression are stark telling on their own. no masking.BTW, I've heard people taking more than 200mg and it doing something for them and only beyond that. If i'm not better by the 19th, I'll probably start Lithium. I'm so reluctant to do so b/c of the hypothyroid thing and weight gain. i've already gained almost twenty lbs. this year - my absolute limit.
Again, anyone out there know if hypothyroid starts when taking Lithium does it end when stopping Li?
Glad to hear you're well - apart from your kidney problems.
I wonder what happened to Barbara??!!
take care,
Katia
Posted by katia on December 4, 2003, at 16:08:53
In reply to Re: Lamictal side effects + arsenic for anxiety, posted by blancale on December 3, 2003, at 19:00:59
Hi Blancale,
I'm not that versed in homeopathic remedies and I know there are some "strange" sounding ones, like arsenic - which can probably work and is safe if administered properly; there's probably just misconceptions around it. You might want to try and post at the Alternative Board and see who responds.
good luck.
Katia> thanks. here's the info on arsenic:
>
> "Another main focus for Arsenicum Album usage is in treating fear and anxiety that may be accompanied with chills, restlessness, fatigue and an increase in pulse rate. "
>
> http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/alt/arsenicum_album_faq.htm
Posted by fluffy on December 4, 2003, at 16:31:47
In reply to Lithium and hypothyroid question (at end of poat) » fluffy, posted by katia on December 4, 2003, at 15:55:45
Hey Katia--
Well even if you're not feeling tip-top, sounds like you are coming to terms with some stuff. It's tough to realize everything at once, like a big, undefined weight laying on top of you, and with a clinical name attached to it (Bipolar). It's been helping me a lot to go to a therapist who is well versed in the bipolar business. She really helps me work through relationship stuff, and shame of the diagnosis...and just coping with depression. Like she helps me to have a plan when I don't want to eat. Her suggestion: just keep some soup laying around, and don't feel overwhelmed. Just pop it on the stove, eat what you can, and don't beat yourself up for not having an appetite. (just common sense stuff that I'm not thinking about when I'm depressed).
So I got some discouraging news this afternoon. Turns out my sodium levels are low! The bad part about it is that they will continue to drop as long as I'm on Trileptal, and it can end up being very dangerous. It can end up with seizures, vomiting, coma, even DEATH!!! So unfortunately, I'm tapering off this week and getting my levels checked again. AGAIN, I'm part of the 3% of people with adverse side effects that don't seem to effect the majority of folks taking gold standard drugs. PPPPOOOOOOOPPPP!!! Back to the drawing board. aaarrghhgh. The good news is that at least I know that I don't have a mysterious illness with no cure.
As for the Lithium. I wouldn't be too scared. It can of course cause thyroid problems, but they can be remedied with supplements, as much of a pain as that is. Lots of people have ZERO problems. So just cross that bridge when you come to it. I would continue to take trileptal, even with the sodium problem, if there was some kind of supplement to fix it. But alas, the only way is to get rid of it. So at least, most Li problems are easy to fix. The thirst is annoying, but tolerable if you have a stable mood. And the weight gain...it's probably not nearly as bad as zyprexa or depakote in the chubs department. (those are my next options...new jeans, here I come!)
The alchohol thing is tough to deal with. I've had my share of dipping into it, but not really to remedy depression. Usually I drink if I'm hypomanic....PAAARRRTYYY! Then I feel mellowed out for a day or two, and then start again with another binge. It sure doesn't hurt to get some support if you feel it is becoming bigger than you, and damaging your mood stability. I'm struggling with my cigarette addiction right now. It's so, so hard to quit. I'm trying this week, though.
So glad to hear from you. Keep in touch, okay? I'll let you know what happens with this sodium BS.
hugs,
katy
Posted by katia on December 4, 2003, at 17:15:15
In reply to Re: Lithium and hypothyroid question (at end of po, posted by fluffy on December 4, 2003, at 16:31:47
Hi Katy,
I also have a weekly therapist - over a year now. it definitely is needed!!!
>
> So I got some discouraging news this afternoon. Turns out my sodium levels are low! The bad part about it is that they will continue to drop as long as I'm on Trileptal, and it can end up being very dangerous. It can end up with seizures, vomiting, coma, even DEATH!!!**Sorry to hear about that! You know, you'd probably do well on Depakote. I actually didn't gain any weight on it. It just caused extreme fatigue late in the afternoon. Probably something that wouldn't have lasted over time. If you do well on Trileptal, I've heard that you'd do well on Depakote.
> As for the Lithium. I wouldn't be too scared. It can of course cause thyroid problems, but they can be remedied with supplements, as much of a pain as that is. Lots of people have ZERO problems. So just cross that bridge when you come to it. I would continue to take trileptal, even with the sodium problem, if there was some kind of supplement to fix it. But alas, the only way is to get rid of it. So at least, most Li problems are easy to fix.
** yes, I know. but I don't want to take yet MORE pills. and I don't want to mess around with my thyroid. I don't want to permanently damage it for a temporary trial and error.
> The alchohol thing is tough to deal with. I've had my share of dipping into it, but not really to remedy depression. Usually I drink if I'm hypomanic....PAAARRRTYYY! Then I feel mellowed out for a day or two, and then start again with another binge.
**I'm both. When depressed - drink. When hypo - DRINK!!!
I'm sorry to hear you have to come off of Tril. But I think you'd do well on Depakote. From what I remember of you, you need to gain weight anyway. And I didn't gain weight on it.
good luck to you.
hugs back -
katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on December 5, 2003, at 16:05:37
In reply to Re: Lithium and hypothyroid question (at end of po » fluffy, posted by katia on December 4, 2003, at 17:15:15
Hello Girlfriends,
Sorry I haven't been around lately. We got DSL and our Outlook email got screwed. But really, the real reason is that I've been down so very low that this might be the clincher. I don't mean anything might happen to me, but this is about as desparate as I've been without being depressed about it. It sounds weird but true. Oh, fooey, I am depressed about it. Very, very, very, but it's not the hopeless kind. It's the 'for a good reason' kind.My rather irresponsible but kind husband went to a freind's wedding in Calif and I pursuaded him to to please go and leave me alone. My Mom's death anniversary is tomorrow, but mainly I'm being flooded with PTSD like memories and 'being there' experiences of severe abuse by my father. It's so absolutely horrific and wailing and shuddering and I'm here alone eating canned soup that I'm tossing in the trash afterwards and I give a flying f*ck about sorting them out into environmentally proper piles. But you know? It's OK. It feels real, like this is not bio-chemically induced (although I'm sure that the intensity is a result of something not working). I'm mourning and reliving and remembering awful awful experiences that I could only view at a distance before. I'm writing in my journal alot and sleeping when I can. I'm letting this pain well up and inviting in disowned parts of myself that I was ashamed of and hated. Please keep me in your prayers, dear friends. This is hard stuff but like I said, I'm not morbidly depressed and I know I'll survive it. It's been long due and I finally feel I'm strong enough to take how very difficult it's turned out to be. I'm exhausted from it. So if you don't hear from me it's because it's all I can do to stumble over to the computer and get my fingers working. Bless you all. I hope to get back to the Girl's Club real soon. Love, Barbara
Posted by katia on December 6, 2003, at 0:20:58
In reply to Hi from Barbara » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on December 5, 2003, at 16:05:37
Dearest Barb,
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. And I'm glad you reached out to us. I was really wondering what happened to you. you know the Indians (from India) say that grief brings you right up front and closer to "God"; whatever that is for you. Sometimes it is a very hard, but a healing thing to be present for - cleansing. I hope this is how it turns out for you and you come out of it refreshed and new in a way. The holidays AND this time of the year are so hard as it is for me, that I can't imagine a double whammy with the first year anniversary of your mother's death. Hope your hubby comes back soon to comfort you. Hope you have some friends near by as well. At least you have your little teegers - all nine of them?I was also wondering how you're doing with the no drinking. For me it lasted five weeks, then I fell. I've half assed re-committed myself, even went to a Life Ring meeting tonight; but I don't feel the committment like before especially come x-mas.
I'm thinking about you Barbara -
Many blessings to you.
Katia
Posted by fluffy on December 6, 2003, at 12:07:21
In reply to Re: Hi from Barbara » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on December 6, 2003, at 0:20:58
Hi miss Barb-cat.....
I also wondered where you were. but alas, we all need a babble break. whether we are in grief, or just off living our lives happily, not thinking about drug combos and such.
i hope that when people don't turn up again on the babble boards, it's because they have found what they needed, moved on to just living their lives. but I know that it is sometimes that they only have enough energy to take care of themselves. (which is ultimately the most important thing). supporting others requires strength...gather your strength slowly again. i can really identify with the dragging your body to the computer, and only being able to eat soup. sometimes it takes more energy to put into words the unpleasantness you are feeling, than to just FEEL it. rest assured that you are not alone. sometimes i forget that when i'm hurting, even if i know it.
although you are having a tough time, I know you'll pull through, and this is what you can do right now. I'm not quite as elegant in my wording as katia, but i also care about you very much...your presence has healed me in many ways. I offer you a big, big hug. please know you are in my thoughts. I'm so sorry you are hurting. please take care, and reach out if you need us (and have enough energy).
lovins,
katy
Posted by katia on December 6, 2003, at 15:36:23
In reply to Re: Hi from Barbara, posted by fluffy on December 6, 2003, at 12:07:21
**Hi Katy,
"not quite as elegant". That's not true! You write very well and expressively! and thank you for the compliment.I upped the Lam. to 175mg yesterday and what do you know - I felt a slight rise in my mood! It too shall pass and I"ll up it to 200mg and hope that it stays there! If not, add Lithium. I guess that's indicative of the fact that it does work, it just poops out and it's indicative of the fact that if it works, then I'm probably bipolar. (I know the other factors point to BP too). I'm still just trying to believe it. Belief happens on all sorts of levels. One thing I've noticed since either being on Lamictal or with the season change (I think I'm a SAD victim); that I haven't been elevated at all in the past month or so - just grades of depression.
It's just interesting to actually monitor my behavior and moods for the first time in years. From the looks of thing so far, I rapid cycle or just go from elevated to mixed for the summer and spring. ANYWAY! I won't bore you more!I'm here, so reach out if you need to.
hugs-
katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on December 11, 2003, at 14:09:25
In reply to Re: Hi from Barbara, posted by fluffy on December 6, 2003, at 12:07:21
Hi All,
A catchup of sorts. Still coasting here on the rim of chaos but getting used to it. Forget who said it, but it goes something like 'the wisdom of peace is simply learning to tolerate uncertainty' and ain't it the truth. If only we could be certain that another intense stress is really some kind of breakthrough or even a breakdown and not just the same old recycled shit in a new package. But we must trust that there will be an answer, right? Ah, grasshoppah, such wise words of calm and loving spirit. Now this is how I REALLY feel:With all the crummy suffering cropping up everywhere in my life, just learned 2 days ago that our beloved oldest (not that old, just 13) cat has chronic renal failure and it's just a matter of time. I don't know how long, of course, and it may be years, but it will mean giving him very frequent IV's and watching him slowly decline as his little kidneys inevitably fail. There has to be a point where a decision must be made to pull the plug, but oh, I'll miss my little fuzzy buddy. I was just thinking the other day as we were head butting and purring together 'this little guy loves and trusts me more than any being on this planet' and then the thought 'oh no, now I've done it. As soon as I let myself love too much or get too happy the fan turns on and the brown stuff flies'. So, yeah, I know that's what life is all about and 'tis better to have loved and lost and all that stinkin' pukey crap but I'm just tired of the pain. Physical, emotional. I'm sure I'm even bumming you all out but if you can't come here to kvetch then where the hell can you? But here's a little gem. We were at some friends (now ex-friends) the other night and I was into some major pain. It was to the day the one year anniversary of my Mom's death, I've been going through the flooding PTSD processing and although haven't gone into the disturbing details with anyone, I'm not at my best or perkiest these days. I made the sorry ass mistake of over-indulging (yes Katia, I've fallen a few times. Sometimes feeling awful is just too much and there's a little bottle of elixer guaranteed to help just around the corner. I KNOW you can relate!) and starting letting on how miserable I was feeling and talking about death and loss and STUFF YOU THINK YOU CAN TALK TO FRIENDS ABOUT, DAMMIT!! Long story short, I was accused of bringing evil, demonic, dark and negative energy into their house and had done so on many occasions in the past. Now, I can get as dark and despondent as the best of them and my mixed states depressions can be mighty scary, but sheesh, this was nothing! This was simple pain and needing compassion asking some deep questions, and yes, babbling on stupidly in my inebriated state, but hey, folks, this was plain mean and I don't get this life. You don't do this to someone who'se hurting and mourning. Yes, I believe they have issues with death and questions of afterlife and yada yada but I'm seriously questioning wanting to ever give my heart, trust, need to anything ever again.
Are we learning anything here from all this pain? Are we wearning ourselves down cause we don't know how to stop immersing ourselves in the pain? I thought these were my friends and only now I learn they've got this Gandalf/Balrog fantasy complex and guess who got to be the Balrog. Oh, if only I knew how to do that little trick like combust into flames at that moment! Or snuck some split pea soup into my mouth and spewed it all over the room! Ah! Now THAT would have been worth it!
I'll be OK, I am OK. I'm just really pissed that someone who is a very good person, that would be myself, who really wants more than anything to just do my best and get a tad bit of enjoyment and happiness on the way keeps getting kicked in the gut. So you can see why I'm not on here more. Maybe I should be so I don't dump all this on you at once. Maybe that's the whole problem. Maybe I should get out more so I don't get life dumped on me all at once every time I step out the door. So, that's me, how about you? Oh, I upped Lam to 200mg during this time, am tolerating the insane itchies, would rather swallow a bucket of tobacco chaw juice than an ounce of booze, am in therapy, and am about to call my pdoc to take away this dread but he can't of course. It's good practice to learn to tolerate the discomfort. Hah, my negative 'evil and demonic' mind sneers, 'preparing for what? The neurotoxic warfare about to arrive?' But that's horsecrap. All of us here at least know that's already happened. LovE, Barbara
Posted by Dr. Bob on December 11, 2003, at 18:24:22
In reply to Re: Hi from Barbara, posted by BarbaraCat on December 11, 2003, at 14:09:25
> A catchup of sorts...
I'd like to redirect follow-ups not about medication to, well, let's say Psycho-Babble Substance Use. Here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031208/msgs/288885.html
Thanks,
Bob
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