Posted by Dave001 on February 16, 2005, at 15:57:32
In reply to Whine, might be a trigger about sex but not likely, posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 19:48:55
> So this is Valentine's Day. Hmm. People everywhere, couples, are getting together. Some will have a hot, romantic bath together by candlelight. Afterwards, they'll go into the warmly glowing bedroom, where music will be softly playing, the massage oil laid out, the lights dim. Rose-coloured, in fact. Yes. Maybe a candle strategically placed for dramatic effect. Hmm. Some couples will have group dinners, drinks, music and talk. My personal fav'.
> Some couples will go out for dinner. Someone will ask someone else to marry them. Many proposals of different types will be accepted.
> And me? I have to get in my car and drive five miles to get to an incredibly boring class in a filthy disgusting classroom with 17 other women who'd rather be somewhere else.
> Life.
> It gets ya even before the end.Well, this *is* the place to "whine," so to speak. Although even online I more often tend to assume the role of one whom is always ready to offer tokens of sentiment and dispense gems of wisdom to others, than I am to actually express any feelings of grief or remorse of my own, there are occasions (such as now) that I break that rule. BTW, the former action, of which I describe characteristic of myself, can often be the result of one's fear of exposing their own vulnerabilities and perceived weaknesses.
Anyway, I want to emphasize with your feeling of loneliness, especially as one whom has always had great difficulty and unease when it comes to meeting new people. I also had become so used to that enduring pain and feeling of emptiness; I was so convinced that I would never find happiness without a love in my life. Then one day, when the cosmos was in some bizarre configuration or whatever, and luck was actually in my favor, my dream was answered. It was instant love, the "perfect" match. This isn't meant to sound like a cheesy, sentimental bullsh*t tale to inspire reassurance. I think we are all tired of those, and unfortunately, not every story has a happy ending, either. A few years ago (which feels literally like *days*), she was killed in a tragic accident, the details of which I will omit because I don't have the energy to elaborate at moment (I was not there at the time of her death). We were engaged. I was twenty-five years old when she died (which actually happened *on* my 25th birthday, of all times; needless to say, no longer a day of celebration) and it seems as though everyone acts as though I should have long since "moved on" by now (I was barely twenty when we met). Although it has now been a little over three years, it seems like just yesterday. In fact, things are even worse now than two years ago. Denial is a powerful survival tool.
Excuse the rant, but I have to agree: Valentine's Day ain't the brightest day of the year for many. I feel that now, the only sort of relationship ever possible would be of the "recreational" type -- a cautious euphemism. Contrary to the experiences of depression I most often read from others, neither the severity of my depression nor the medications I've thrown at it have caused any perceptible decrease of *that* urge. How *very* frustrating. ;-) Even my cognition is so shot to hell that it is taking me forever to write short and simple posts or e-mails, but my libido remains completely unabated. Did I mention how frustrating that is? I know this isn't an appropriate place to elaborate on such details, so I won't, but I couldn't help but to notice the word "sex" in the subject line. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it.
poster:Dave001
thread:457888
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050215/msgs/458882.html