Posted by jay on February 7, 2005, at 18:15:00
In reply to Re: Please...I beg for help with girlfriend problem.. » jay, posted by jlynne on February 7, 2005, at 10:26:36
> Jay, I am assuming that you have read my response to your post on the relationship board addressing the situation with your girlfriend. This is very serious territory, and will take unconditional love and commitment from both of you. Unconditional means "without conditions", i.e. no expectations about how the other reacts to your love.
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> Offering commitment and no judgments are what is necessary to create the safe environment I mentioned in my post. If you can learn to validate your girlfriend's emotions you can help her to diffuse their power. Validating is just acknowledging, nothing more.
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> A very important thing, in my own opinion, is to not join each other in the emotional pits; don't feed them. In other words, be there, but don't get pulled in. It seems to be the grounding of the one offering the support that enables the dialogue to remain healthy.
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> I'm sorry if I seem to be going on too long with this; it's just that I feel very strongly that what Ron and I have found can work for others, too. We are reading the book "Keeping the Love You Find" by Harville Hendrix, and he addresses these very issues quite dramatically. I highly recommend it to anyone contemplating a new relationship. There is also a book "Emotional Intelligence" that addresses the emotional highjacking that is so dangerous to us who are dealing with depression.
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> Good luck, Jay. This will not be easy.
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> . . . jlynneI am sorry...this post is all over the place. It jumps from one thing to another. I read "Emotional Intelligence" and ya, it does warn of 'emotional hijacking', which I am going to have to go back and re-read. I will also check out your other book you mentioned. The problem with unconditional love is that some people take it as an excuse to be manipulative, and exploit emotions.
I agree about not being part of someones negative emotional situation, and we use that concept in behavioural counselling known as detatchment. Exact same thing, so you are really right on the money. See...one of her other problems (something I have had experience with) is she cannot make choices in a rational way, and just do them. She hates her job, but is taking a night school course towards be a "purchaser", being paid for by her current job, and in the next breath she wants to cross the Canada US border and take a day class program that takes a year to complete to become a teacher. (She already has her undergrad degree in Economics.) Thing is, school in the U.S. will cost her about 24,000 bucks a year, and she would have to commute close to 100 miles a day. She has a brand new car to pay for, as well as support her child, but thinks this teaching thing will bring her "paradise"..like she thinks she will be making 70,000 bucks a year, and be able to get a full-time position right away. There are a number of teachers in my family, and I know the above just isn't true...but because one person (a friend of a friend..) said so, and she just had to take "a few extra courses" to make 70,000 a year...that it is all true and will apply to her.
So, I will read up...and be back with further comments and such. Thanks very much for those resources.
Sorry for going on....just an example. I really admire you and your husband's dedication and hard work. I wish you both the best..
Sincerely,
Jay
poster:jay
thread:453999
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050205/msgs/454577.html