Posted by jay on February 6, 2005, at 15:13:28
(Warning..long-ish)
Geeezz...typical me! First, I come onto PB and complain I wasn't getting any responses to my online personal date ad. Now, I got a few, and am dating one gal exclusively, and am already running into problems.
See, we both have depression and anxiety, although her's is mostly untreated. She has gained a fair bit of weight from a.d.'s in the past, and the weight hasn't come off, but she swore never to take an a.d. again. (Of course, I think it was kinda dumb of her doctor to use amitriptilyne as the *first line* med.) So, she hates her body, thinks she is "hideous" looking (which she isn't...she looks younger than her age..perfect skin..beautiful blue eyes and long blonde hair..) and no matter how many times I tell her differently, she doesn't believe me.
The times that really, really scare me, though, are when she talks about how better life would be if she "didn't wake up", and that her son would be happier, and that I would be better off with a "younger...quote..better looking..unquote" woman. She says that all's she need's to do is to "find the courage."
We kissed for the first time last week, and that was the first time in years, after years of the horror and deadly pain of depression swept me away from life, that I kissed a woman.(Not that I kissed anything else!!..Ha!) And I felt like...*yes*...it was ALL there....she smelt so beautiful...felt so beautiful in my arms. The feeling, the one that is deadened by both depression and SSRI's, rushed through my body, like a wave of hormones where dropped into my system, but it was also so much more...the warmth...the tenderness...oh it felt so, so, so good to be *alive*, and I wanted to capture that moment and hold it forever. The Romantic in me had dived into the sea of love, lost years ago to this horrible mental illness.
We do still have some fun times and conversations too. We joke around a bit, and I try to keep things "lite". And as I said before, there is no way I am just going to *dart* away from this gal....no f*cking way. So she hates herself...hates her body...hates her job...hates life...can anyone offer something I could try? One thing I have been thinking about is that her doctor just recently Rx'ed her Wellbutrin, and she already takes clonazepam (which I think the clonazepam on it's own may be playing havoc with her depression). She refuses to take the Wellbutrin because of fear of, you guessed it, weight gain. But, from some of the research, I understand Wellbutrin may possibly help with weight loss, and I am trying to think of an angle to approach her about this with. (Atleast, it is weight neutral.) I was thinking of saying that "I know so and so who took Wellbutrin and lost a bit of weight". (I know there are studies on Medline that conclude this.)
So....anyone else have ideas? Please and thank you...and thanks for taking the time to read this!
Sincerely,
Jay
poster:jay
thread:453999
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050205/msgs/453999.html