Posted by wendy b. on June 18, 2003, at 7:48:21
In reply to Wendy, also...., posted by kara lynne on June 18, 2003, at 0:27:22
> Wouldn't you know, the part about the cooking really got to me.
Yeah, that was a ridiculous ruse if I ever heard one... But so, I don't know, particularly male and sexist. Remember, if you turn the situation around, i.e., if YOU were leaving and YOU said to HIM: jeeze, I think you suck and I think you're hateful, and the reason is because you never once cooked a meal for me, and I have had to change my sense of sexual selfhood because of it... (blah blah)... Now that just wouldn't ever happen, would it? Just never in a million years would a female say that to a male...
>First of all he made it sound like he cooked five course meals for us all the time, and he's rarely home.
What, he says HE cooked a lot? How can he do that if he's not home til 2 to 6 am??
>When we first moved in together I said I wanted us to cook and eat healthier, and walk more and support each other in that (I was interested in starting to cook more).
That was a good impulse, it's nice to share those things with your sig. other...
> But right off the bat he was coming home most nights between 2 and 6am, and we were so remote from each other I lost the desire.That's just unacceptable behavior. I'm sure he justified it by saying it was work-related, but how could he even think he could carry on a relationship with you (with anybody) with those kinds of hours? It's just going to make it impossible. I think you should turn it around and mention this to him when you talk... That this is a MAJOR reason the relationship failed, not YOUR supposed failings.
> In the last few months we had dinner together a couple of nights a week, usually taking in from a couple of decent places. The other night he said that by him having to bring home food or prepare it, that he was assuming a feminine role.
As we say in the business: "bull___"
> Therefore he naturally couldn't switch over to a masculine role and feel like making love to me.How the he_ does this follow? This is totally ridiculous after-the-fact justification for his behavior, i.e., inattentive and un-loving. Either you feel like making love and your libbido is healthy and in sync with your mate, or it's not. Sounds like he knows he has sexual problems, but he'd somehow like to blame you for them. Sweet.
>He launched into a tirade about how I've never cooked one meal for him (not true) and I started crazily thinking that my not cooking was the reason for the relationship's demise.
Uh oh, he got you to buy into it for a second, but wait:
>I said, "Gee, I know a beautiful woman who doesn't cook at all, and has lots of sex and is getting married, why do you think that is?"This was a great response, so you didn't actually buy into it after all...
>He answered, "Maybe it's because she's beautiful."
Low blow, totally unfair, he should have been told to go to his corner and not come out until he was ready to have a fair discussion. Like some 4-year-old in nursery school. What a total pig. Sorry, but this is just horribly cruel. (Hmmm, I can see it now: Dr Bob giving me a PBC because I'm not being supportive of your boyfriend and calling him names... I'm only partly joking, heh heh... )
> So below the belt doesn't even begin to describe it. I guess this is his way of denying the reality that he is an overweight, diabetic, virtually impotent man with an almost non-existent libido.
Hey, tell it like it is. He is justifying his own problems by saying YOU had something to do with them. How about HIM taking responsibility for his own physical and emotional bankruptcy?
>He has never made sex or communication around it a priority in the relationship. I really tried, but he could always use how difficult the subject was for him as an excuse not to do anything about it.
So he needed to go get some help about it. I mean, it's not just Kara Lynne who needs meds and therapy (I assume, maybe wrongly, you've done both... At least, as a denizen of psychobabble, you have an interest in both...) Calling you the problem is just like I said: substitute pronouns...
>It was plenty difficult for me too, but his denial controlled us.Welcome to the human race, though, Kara. I commend you for your kindness, though maybe now you see that was kind of passive, and he was able to slide along for a good long time before things just got really bad and he lashed out at you. But you're the type of person who, if you see somebody's having a problem with something, you don't want to rub his face in it, because you're in fact a NICE PERSON. (As opposed to the way he did actually rub your face in your own emotional issues/difficulties.)
> I just got a message from him. He said he was sorry for saying hurtful things to me,Good.
>but he just wasn't strong enough not to.
Bad. An excuse for his own rotten behavior.
> He said we needed to talk because there were some "things going on". I'm sure it's that he's moving into this gorgeous new house and he needs to tell me so I can find somewhere to go.This is fine... He can go live in a beautiful house, and have an empty life and wreck some other relationships further down the road, and carry on as before. You don't have to live in a "house, not a home," as diva Barbra Streisand once crooned... (I don't think I ever quoted her before... Arggghhh! What's happening to me?? But you know what I mean: without love there, it's just an empty shell of a living situation, and he certainly can't give you love, he's too messed up.)
> The final humiliation. He gets to move into this unbelievable house, because he can afford it. We had originally looked at it together when we were still thinking about living together. What I get to move into is a step up from completely depressing. It just seems like he gets rewarded, somehow.
Kara, he will reap what he sows, as we all do. I'd rather live in a hovel (and believe me, I have, to get away from rotten men), than accept this kind of bargain. You will get your reward, and you don't need him to make that happen for you.
>For him it's all about the image. He can have his people over and impress them all and get some hot babe to cook for for all his off beat, artsy, Hollywood business contacts.
That's fine, like I said. But that's HIS problem, and you have to just use the ON-OFF switch in your head and turn it to OFF when you start thinking in this kind of obsessive pattern...
> I will be obsessively watching mindless television and doing nothing with my life.
Again, switch it to OFF. This isn't helping you feel better, it's just sinking into despair. You don't want to fit in to his H-wood crowd, remember? How many nights did you stay home because you thought you didn't fit in, and that's fine, too. Maybe your friends (now and in the future) are a little more modest, are a little more meaningful, have some real things to talk about, etc. Everybody's different, and you didn't fit in there because you didn't WANT to. And that's ok, that's fine.
> That he did this to me less than two weeks before my exam blows my mind once more.I didn't mention this before, but I meant to... You are absolutely right, it's sabatoge. But also, these things all happen at once sometimes, and you sound healthy enough to make it through all of this, even though it WILL be hard. Your posting here and getting confirmation for your feelings is a real sign of strength, even though it may not feel like it. Trust me, it's a very good sign of your basic emotional health...
>Now he's trying to be civil, but I still don't know how to react.
Yes, you do... See the next line:
>Mostly I don't want to go into desperation when he tells me he's going, which I know he is counting on.
So DON'T give him this trump card. Just keep your reaction business-like and low-key. It's all just about leaving the situation with dignity and self-respect, and tell him that. Don't get enmeshed in conversations about HIS problems and his justification for being a toad to you. Just stay clear of that...
>He likes to leave his women whimpering in his wake.
Have you seen this before in his past relationships? Or has he told you? Interesting. Don't be like everyone else, though. Tell him you're focusing on your exams and finding a decent place to live. That's all. Everything else will have to wait, including heart-to-heart talks. You can't expend energy on this right now, even though I'm sure you feel sorry for him in a way... It's kind of pathetic how he is behaving.
> Whew. Didn't foresee the rant. Thanks for letting me carry on.
So please, don't focus on this house he's probably going to live in. A relationship isn't built on a nice place to live (although it helps), it's built on love, common interests, and mutual respect. That's what you need, Kara, and that's what you deserve, and that's what you will get, once you decide you're worth that (and we know you are).
Thanks for letting ME rant, too. (Ahhhh, I feel better). I know his type, and it's best just to run far far away from him.
love ya,
Wendy
poster:wendy b.
thread:234326
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030617/msgs/234736.html