Posted by Maxime on December 13, 2010, at 22:36:18
In reply to Maxime - how are you, posted by emmanuel98 on December 4, 2010, at 22:34:53
> We haven't heard from you in a while. Are you surviving? Feeling better? Worse? Let us know how you are.
I am feeling craptastic. I took an large OD 2 weeks ago? and I ended up on the medical ward for a week. I have done permanent damage to some my organs. Even though I was on the medical ward, my psychiatrist came to see me every day. His support meant a lot to me.
I wasn't doing well at even before the whole Phillipa fiasco, but it put me over the edge. When I was blocked, it didn't bother me that I couldn't post to the boards. But what did cause havoc, is that I had no way of contacting the people who support me on this board. Friends who knew that I was on the edge were suddenly cut off from me. I don't have too many real life friends to talk to (I have friends, but I am scared to talk to them about my "problems" for fear that they will leave me - many have before) so being able to babble mail is a great support system. Plus I can also Babble Mail those who I know are hurting and need support.
I did call the Crisis Hotline a few times but that didn't help which made me feel even more desperate. So the obvious thing to do (in my depressed and hopeless eyes) was to OD with lots and lots of pills and alcohol.
My psychiatrist wants me to stay away from PB after he read various threads etc. We agreed that if I do want to post, that I can but that he will be reading PB every couple of days to make sure that I am safe from certain members and topics. It feels weird knowing that he is reading, but it will give us more to talk about when I see him. ;)
My depression is very bad. I force myself out of bed in the morning and I have my shower. In the shower I sob and sob and sob. Then I get on with my day. I go to work. I go to my car at lunch and sit in it and sob and sob. Wipe my eyes, and go back into work. Leave work, before putting the car into drive I have another crying session. Then the last one I have is when I first get into bed. No one has a clue of how bad I am doing with the exception of my pdoc. I'm still on the Parnate but clearly it is not working very well but there is nothing left for me try. So I stay on the Parnate.
Sorry this post is so long. If you have read this far, I thank you.
Bipolar Type 2, ED-NOS, Self-hatred
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Being happy doesn´t mean the pain is gone. you just bury it deeper.
poster:Maxime
thread:972527
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20101203/msgs/973496.html