Posted by zarathustra on September 21, 2009, at 14:47:26
I am a hypocrite. Because when I think about it, people have reached out to me in the past but I have been so afraid of rejection I pushed them away. Perhaps I am looking for something that doesent exist, ultimately I guess acceptance comes from within. Maybe I am too self-concious and introspective, to most people acceptance is something that happens when you apply for a loan and your credit is good. WHO THE HELL AM I TO EVEN MAKE THESE STATEMENTS? I seem to put myself above others, as if I am the only person who has ever felt rejection, pain, loss or despair. As though I am the only one who feels unloveable. This is crazy, like I am living in a paradox of my thoughts. Ignorance is bliss. Screw Dexedrine, give me some cyanide. I am not depressed by the way, I am being realistic. A few docs have tried to tell me depression is a "chemical imbalance", I have explained to them that they are absolutely right then pointed out that ALL EMOTIONS ARE CAUSED BY CHEMICAL IMBALANCES! INCLUDING LOVE AND HAPINESS.
I think I am allowing myself to nurture these thoughts or anger or whatever it is a little too much. I leave you now to go satiate a few billion neurons in my head which are begging for a nicotine fix.
One question for anyone who has endured me this far: I live in Toronto, a large cold busy city (as most cities are), is it possible that I might find the acceptance I want in a smaller more laid back town? Is my perceived rejection simply a matter of sort of looking for love in all the wrong places? Christ, the only time people make eye contact with you in Toronto is when they are asking you for some spare change.
poster:zarathustra
thread:917954
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090921/msgs/917954.html