Posted by deniseuk190466 on January 5, 2007, at 11:32:21
In reply to more..., posted by med_empowered on January 4, 2007, at 2:33:31
Med-Empowered,
Thanks for your response and interest and I do appreciate your comments.
I know that I am fortunate in that I can work, function and to some degree "fake it", for two years I struggled with a demanding job at IBM, having awful anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts whilst trying to facilitate conference calls and manage projects. Sometimes doing this did overide the anxiety and suicidal thoughts but I'd get home feeling weak and completely lifeless and just lie on the bed. Weekends would bring me right down and I'd try going on little holidays for weekend breaks but I'd just feel worse and my boyfriend at the time would get pissed off with me because I couldn't even bear to sit in a restaurant and eat a meal for a lengthy period without wanting to rush off and go for a long walk.
I do know that there is a cycle and sometimes my thoughts can get way out of hand but I also feel/hope that there is something biological going on that can be conrolled.
This Professor believes (implicitly it seems) that you are in total control of your thoughts and your thoughts control your feelings. But can't it be the other way around too. Afterall if you feel crap, sick,tired, weak, anxious most of the time isn't that going to affect your thoughts? If you spend the day longing for bed and trying to keep yourself out of it then isn't that going to make you feel bad about yourself? Also, this business about negative thoughts, well what's the difference between a negative thought and a realistic one.
I know sometimes there are things that do divert my attention from myself and do help. During Willow View I found that sometimes attending the group therapies helped because I was having to focus on what the Nurse was saying and what other people were saying and because I was able to contribute. But this was in the same way as work helped, having conference calls helped. By the same token though I dreaded Christmas, could barely bring myself to buy Christmas presents (unlike me) and was just getting through the days. When one of the nurses asked me if I was ready for christmas, I felt like the two of us were on different planets.
I have also spent last year doing voluntary work at Cancer Research Shop, whilst on Seroxat, keeping busy seemed to help. But after coming off Seroxat and then being off it for a while and then switching to Mirtazapine, even being there, being busy didn't help.
I don't know what I am expected to do in order to lead a forefilling life. There is always this suggestion when you are depressed that there is something you should be doing that you are just not doing in order to feel like life is worth living. Pre 2001, I was fairly content, I had a good job which I enjoyed, admittedly my relationship with my boyfriend was getting a bit boring but nothing really bad was going on. I didn't have to suddenly turn myself into Florence Nightingale in order to feel ok about myself and my life and I'm not sure why I should need to now.
A well meaning neighbour suggested to me that I should get a job or do some kind of work with Cancer Patients (people who are worse off than I) but the thing is, when I'm at my worse, I hate to say this, I sort of envy people who have a life threatening condition. When I hear how so and so died, I feel envious. Is that distorted or what? A friend of a friend hung herself recently and rather than thinking "God how awful" I kept thinking maybe she did the right thing, she's at peace now and I kept thinking I wish I had the courage to do it myself. Sometimes I get into a real state because I really just want to kill myself and end it but then when I start to make plans I no I can't do it and then I get even more worked up so I end up wishing I could just be in an accident and then all this would be over and done with.
I have no reason to be unhappy. I have no reason to feel sick, anxious, empty and lifeless.
I have to say one thing, I am taking Nardil right now and at the moment I don't feel anxious, infact the Nardil has taken that away but the above holds true of how I feel without medication.
I was depression free on medication for years in the 1990s and then came off it because I felt I should try and do it alone. I then came off it and was ok for three years and it felt good during that time to feel in control of my moods and my life without medication. Infact now and again I'd have bad dreams that I was back on it again. I also thought that that time med free and depression free that the reason I wasn't depressed was because I was somehow living my life better, I had the good permanent job, had a boyfriend, was reliable and hardworking etc ect. That somehow I was responsible for not being depressed, that I was in control. But all of that came to an end in 2001.
I'm the sort of person who hates having to take an aspirin even when I'm in really bad pain, infact I rarely take pain killers but I expect if my pain was daily and unremitting then I would succumb to taking pain killers. If the depression I have suffered just came on in bouts like two or three days a week and then went away, then I would get through those days knowing that the other days would be better but when it's day in day out I just can't do it.
I know you say you are medication free but when you took it did it work for you? How do you cope with your depression being medication free? and do you have any tips on how I could somehow lead a forefilling, life, one that provides me with some satisfaction without being on medication? Do you exist on a day to day basis, without planning for holidays etc or looking forward to anything, without being able to enjoy music or a film and is that sufficient for you?
I do get confused though about what's wrong with me and I do blame everything on my depression, for instance, I went for a temporary job the other day. I didn't get it because I hadn't bothered to look at the job description. I hadn't bothered because I wasn't interested and it was just an admin job covering somebody who was off sick. I ususually do make myself thoroughly research the company and the job but in this case I didn't. I got to the interview and I felt pretty much not bothered about the job, although I tried my best at the interview. But I hate the fact sometimes that deep down inside I just don't really care enough sometimes to be even bothered about rejection. I get passed caring and then I hate myself for not caring anymore.
Denise
poster:deniseuk190466
thread:718916
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070101/msgs/719582.html