Posted by deniseuk190466 on January 3, 2007, at 13:08:29
To coin a Radiohead song.
I just sometimes wonder where the me I knew and felt comfortable with went.
At the age of 17 I started feeling as though I was sickening for something, after repeated visits to the doctor for blood tests and xrays he finally told me that there was nothing wrong with me and just to go away and get on with it. Which is what I did.
Then at 24 I started to feel worse, waking up at 4am in the morning everyday, inspite of working, swimming every other night I felt worse and worse. Finally in the doctors office I broke down in tears and he prescribed antidepressants.
At that point I'd never heard of antidepressants, didn't know they existing and didn't want to take any drugs for mental illness because as far as I was concerned I was physically ill not mentally ill.
Then after waking up at 4am in the morning again and feeling terrible and succumbed to taking a small amount of prothiaden.
After taking it, all of the tightness in my muscles seemed to go away and in 24 hours I felt like I'd metamorphised from a catapillar into a butterfly. I was relieved that the physical symptoms had gone away but never anticipated that mood would lift too.
10 years down the line I came off all antidepressants and felt ok, still felt like myself and carried on that way for three years, depression was something I'd forgotten about and something associated with my younger years. In any event if it ever came back I'd just go back on a small amount of seroxat again and after three weeks everything would be ok. My ignorance and naivety was bliss.But that was not what happened, the symptoms came back and although I carried on, telling myself I just needed a holiday. The holiday turned out to be a holiday in hell because that was where my head was at.
So back on the Seroxat I went, only this time, they made the anxiety worse instead of better and so for two years I cycled on and off different drugs to no avail, only knowing that I had to keep trying medication because I had nothing to lose. I did spent 3 months not taking anything and that too was hell so I never blamed the meds for making me feel bad.
Then after two years the Seroxat seemed to start working, although never as much so and to some degree I felt like a different person to the person who existed in 2000. I always felt haunted really.
Two years (2005) the seroxat seemed to stop working and no augmenting agent seemed to work.
I'm now trying Nardil (I had some left over from before) and although there is no anxiety, I feel wierd I have to say. This is bearable but I feel sort of morbid and morose.
I sometimes wish I had of died five years ago because at least I would have died ignorant of the fact that I was capable of feeling so horrible, so empty, so trapped, so scared and for no apparent reason. It's like I've been given glimpses of a hell I didn't know existed.
I'm not expecting a response to this just wanted to ramble.
I've also gone from being a fairly sensible pragmatic, cautious person to a desperate sounding and feeling person who will try practically any medication in an attempt to find relief.I just want somebody to transport me back in time and wipe out the last five years and let me carry on in my ignorance.
Sorry just wanted to ramble, not expecting a response.
Denise
poster:deniseuk190466
thread:718916
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070101/msgs/718916.html