Posted by CEK on June 6, 2006, at 12:10:54
In reply to Re: Thanks, Snapper, you're an encourager :) » heaven help me, posted by snapper on June 5, 2006, at 3:58:12
Heaven help me, I did not mean to let you think that your post offended me. It didn't. I just really didn't know what to say. I have been very close to God in my life in the past, and as I have gotten sicker, I have pulled away and have started questioning everything in my life including Him. My moods are still all over the place, and at times I can feel Him and know this sickness is all for a reason and try to look toward Him. Then there are times when I'm so deep in my depression that all is forgotten. Things have gotten as bad as they can be with my sickness. Our money problems because of it have hit an all time low and it's all because of me. When not wallering in all of my personal hell, I try to tell myself that He's bringing it all down on me and making life harder (like with the money situation)to make me get closer to Him again. To make me stop being so stubborn and ask Him for His help. I know I have to or it's all not going to stop, but I just can't bother Him with it. All the times that I asked for His help, they were never as bad as this time is, but there's something blocking me from contacting Him. Even when I started pulling away from Him, I still would thank Him everyday for my children and their health and all that He has given me. I don't do it anymore. I feel like I need to leave them, everyone, and go somewhere else. I feel like my sickness is causing them pain. I don't want to be around anyone, not even them anymore. That hurts me because until I got this bad, they were the love of my life. Suicide seems the only answer at times,if it wouldn't leave them anymore broke than we already are. All of the meds are not working so I feel there are only two options, suicide or God. When it's so hard to choose the second, I don't know. I use to be told that the devil brought us down so low because he was affraid of our potential to do God's duty He has called for us. Your posts only remind me of what I need to do even more. I have to lay it in his hands, but all of this hell is so strong. Any true heart felt mention of Him like in your posts make me hurt inside and make me cry which only make me feel like it's a sign that I need to turn to Him. He is the only medicine I think that will ever work, and that is probably what made you overcome your own sickness. You are one of the only people that post here that try to make us see that and you will be rewarded for that. I appreciate your posts. They are what I need to try to help me dig down deep and try harder to turn to Him. I'm sorry if I made you think otherwise. Thank you, Heaven help me. Love, CEK
poster:CEK
thread:652610
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060604/msgs/653625.html