Posted by ricardo on January 31, 2003, at 6:49:59
Hey guys! I need your help!
Sorry if I've been posting too many messages here, these days... I don't know whether there's a limit or if I've been getting on your nerves for being so present here. This group has meant a tremendous source of support for me theses days and I'm just sorry that I can't supply you with so many techinical details on the different drugs, since I don't understand much about how they work.
Well, I'd like to tell you about things that I've been feeling and whether you understand them as depression-related issues. There they go:
1. Life's dull and uninteresting. Right now, there's little for me to look forward to.
2. I do envision sollutions to make my life better, but they're very radical moves, such as leaving my job, my partner, my parents, transfer into another city, try a different kind of job... That is, to erase everything that I have now and start it all over again. The thing is, I think depression will be in my way so I'd never get to do all those things, even if I did try!
3. I never thought about killing myself, but I feel in danger all the time. Fear of death is one thing that has followed me all my life. I'm terribly afraid of potentially-killing diseases, such as AIDS or cancer, I'm afraid of ageing (I'm 38), I'm afraid of the possitility of my parents or my partner dying before me... Most of all, I'm afraid of being alone, or dying alone.
4. This is similar to item number 2. I have specific problems in my life (right now, an abusive partner), but I don't think I'm strong enough to change the situation. I'm afraid of losing him, even though he's by far not the best person for me and I know that. But he's economically dependant on me (even though he's very hard-working), and he's alone in this huge city (Sao Paulo, Brazil), so I think I would be a sinner if I ever left him alone to his own destiny. Also, facing life alone, without him, seems to be beyond my possitilities right now.
Facts: I've been in psychotherapy for 3 years. My therapist describes herself as Gestalt-existentialist (I know that Americans tend to be more familiar with behavioral therapy), and I feel tremendous relief everytime I go there. I've been trying drug therapy for 3 months now: Paxil for one month (good anti-depressant effects, but terrible sexual side-effects) and wellbutrin (excellent sexual performances, but terrible depression relapse and high irritability).Now, I'm about to see a new p-doc and I believe he will suggest a new drug. Thinking specifically about the issues above, especially this feeling that life's the way it is and there's nothing to do about it, what should I expect from a drug that really works for me? I'm fully aware that drugs won't change my partner's behavior, or won't change my boss or my job!
Whatever you can say, will be most welcome!
Thanks a lot!
Ricardo
poster:ricardo
thread:138513
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030130/msgs/138513.html