Posted by Simcha on August 23, 2001, at 8:27:31
OK, this might be a long rant....
I've been on this new combo of Celexa 40mg and WellbutrinSR 150mg for a few weeks now. I've had a sinus infection for which I'm taking 500mg of amoxicillin 3x/day. So many chemicals floating around in my body.
Today is the first day since last Friday that I'm starting to feel better. Yesterday afternoon I was feeling blue, sad and not very hopeful. I've read somewhere that antibiotics can bring on depression. Also when I'm sick I'm not a happy camper, naturally.
My boyfriend has a hyper interest in sex. At the moment, being sick and on a new mix of meds, I'm not in the mood. He tried to stimulate me last night and it felt good but I lost interest...... OK so I'm sick and I'm not exactly up for that sort of activity now..... I just wish that he would leave me alone sometimes.
This is kicking up old tapes. I'm feeling like I can't say no to him. I'm feeling trapped. (I'm a sexual abuse survivor.) I'm feeling like I don't want to be sexual but since I'm in a relationship I have no choice.
Of course to complicate matters I'm a sexual compulsive. I want to have good sex... It's been so long. The best sex I've had is outside of this relationship... Part of it is he is a really bad lover for me. We just don't mesh well between the sheets. I love him but the sex is just lousy... ;-(
My inner voice says, "Do nothing. Stay the course. Stay on the meds. Get used to them. Concentrate on getting through this sinus infection. All will be well. You will know more when you get through this crap."
I have to admit that the medication has helped my depression. This morning I actually have some happiness at feeling better. I also have almost no compulsion to have lots of sex with lots of people.
Looking at things objectively I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better to be single and to not have to worry about the sex right now. Also there is a healthy side of me that would like to experiment with being single and dating lightly. I would like to be able to have casual sexual encounters in a healthy way. I'm not sure that a heavy relationship is the right thing for me right now in this stage of my recovery.
Well, all I can do is coast for now. I see my hypnotherapist today. We will discuss these issues. Perhaps she could help me discern what it is that I am learning from all of this. What does it mean to be me today as a recovering sexual compulsive and recovering depressed person? What are my boundaries? What is it that I need right now to help myself heal? These questions are difficult. I think that the medication has calmed things down enough so that I can start looking at these things objectively.
Any comments or suggestions are welcome. Please be supportive. I'm in a vulnerable place right now. ;-)
Thanks for Listening,
Simcha.
poster:Simcha
thread:76101
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010822/msgs/76101.html